A writing discussion; whitespace is free...

[ShelbyDawn57]

Working on my latest, and probably May release if I can get the last bit written and edited in the next week or so, and I found myself editing and re-editing a block of text because it just felt compressed, constrictive and not conveying the spirit of the scene. My MC is sitting on her balcony on a Sunday morning just being, relaxing, letting life come to her.

This is the original:

Sunday morning found me on my balcony sipping hot tea, my legs pulled up close with my nightgown pulled down to my ankles while I watched a blue jay chase two squirrels around the trees. Setting my tea down, I picked up my phone and started doomscrolling. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular, stupid memes, semi-political stuff with politicians on both sides proving how stupid they were, cat videos, just the internet being the internet. I almost texted Rick twice, but stopped myself. I’d call him tomorrow after I got settled at work. Maybe the algorithm just knew, because just a few minutes in, there she was, my bike. Damn, she was gorgeous. I clicked the link. “Still available??? Can you send me details?” and hit send.

---

It doesn't feel relaxing. It feels forced, hurried, rushed, not like a Sunday morning on a balcony at all. It needs space, so, among the edits, I gave it space, literal space. I think it reads a lot better and feels more like that Sunday morning:


Sunday morning found me on my balcony sipping hot tea, my legs pulled up close to my tummy, my nightgown stretched down over them to my ankles, as I watched a blue jay chase two squirrels through the trees.

Chuckling at the squirrels’ frustration and the blue jay’s determination, I breathed in the morning air and let it settle. This was nice.

I’d rented this apartment in part for this balcony, but I couldn’t remember the last time I’d come out here to just sit and enjoy what it offered.

Setting my tea down, I picked up my phone and started doomscrolling…

… memes, politics, cats; the internet being the internet…

I almost texted Rick twice.

Then I saw her, my bike.

Damn, she was gorgeous; it was the link I’d shared with the group on Saturday.

I’d saved it without thinking.

My finger moved on its own.

I clicked the link.

“Still available??? Can you send me details?”

===

This is just a small snippet , but I think it illustrates something we can all use to make our stories not only easier to read, but read like you want them to feel. As the title of this post says whitespace is free. I think adding the spacing also led me to be more intentional with each specific sentence as if they were each a scene on their own. In theroy, that shoule make them each better which would make the entire snippet, and by extension, the entire story better..

So, what do you think? Am I right, or just my usual delusional???
Let's discuss, maybe even show examples of times you've done something similar or done something different to impact the flow of your story.

 

[TheLobster]

Was the blown-out version supposed to be more relaxing? Because to me, it absolutely isn’t. I shorten my paragraphs when I want to increase the pacing, or highlight a moment of revelation or an important transition.

This saying, the original version definitely has the opposite problem: the paragraph is too long. And ironically, that too makes it frantically fast-paced, as you’re very much compelled to read it quickly before you lose your mental caret within it.

To slow down, I’m keeping my paragraphs regular and short-ish, 50-80 words and roughly the same length throughout. My version of a relaxing Sunday would therefore be this:

Sunday morning found me on my balcony sipping hot tea, my legs pulled up close to my tummy, my nightgown stretched down over them to my ankles, as I watched a blue jay chase two squirrels through the trees.

Chuckling at the squirrels’ frustration and the blue jay’s determination, I breathed in the morning air and let it settle. This was nice. I’d rented this apartment in part for this balcony, but I couldn’t remember the last time I’d come out here to just sit and enjoy what it offered.

Setting my tea down, I picked up my phone and started doomscrolling. Memes, politics, cats; the internet being the internet… I almost texted Rick twice.

Then I saw her, my bike.

Damn, she was gorgeous; it was the link I’d shared with the group on Saturday. I’d saved it without thinking. My finger moved on its own.

I clicked the link.

“Still available??? Can you send me details?”

 

[ElectricBlue]

So, what do you think? Am I right, or just my usual delusional???
Let's discuss, maybe even show examples of times you've done something similar or done something different to impact the flow of your story.

If that was my paragraph, I'd split it in two - the introspective bit, then a break for the action bit, almost texting Rick twice.

The sentence by sentence breaks are excessive, I reckon. That's disruptive for me, breaks the flow. The action isn't that dramatic.

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

Was the blown-out version supposed to be more relaxing? Because to me, it absolutely isn’t. I shorten my paragraphs when I want to increase the pacing, or highlight a moment of revelation or an important transition.

This saying, the original version definitely has the opposite problem: the paragraph is too long. And ironically, that too makes it frantically fast-paced, as you’re very much compelled to read it quickly before you lose your mental caret within it.

To slow down, I’m keeping my paragraphs regular and short-ish, 50-80 words and roughly the same length throughout. My version of a relaxing Sunday would therefore be this:

Very much so and close to my final version. I gave the extremes to allow for just this type of discussion. Spacing does impact pacing. @ElectricBlue made a similar observation that the extreme exploded text actually had the same problem as the overly compressed. My point is still that you can use spacing, and should, to help set the tone of your story. How it's used, and examples like you offered are exactly what I'd love to see come out of this, as well as other tricks and techniques you and others may employ.

 

[anthrodisiac]

Oh, reader psychology, you scamp!

Nice to see other people realize how important sentence and paragraph structure are to pacing, tone, emotion, comprehension, vibe, and a whole host of other implicit cues.

 

[SimonDoom]

I agree about the importance of white space for the pleasure and pacing of reading, and I would definitely break up the paragraph you first wrote, but not as much as you have. Generally speaking, short sentences serving as separate paragraphs in rapid succession pick up the pace rather than slow it down. I'd compress some of the action sentences into a single paragraph.

 

[anthrodisiac]

Very much so and close to my final version. I gave the extremes to allow for just this type of discussion. Spacing does impact pacing. @ElectricBlue made a similar observation that the extreme exploded text actually had the same problem as the overly compressed. My point is still that you can use spacing, and should, to help set the tone of your story. How it's used, and examples like you offered are exactly what I'd love to see come out of this, as well as other tricks and techniques you and others may employ.

I have a 2700-word WIP that's a breakdown of implicit effects of word choice and structures on reader impact/psychology on something that @NuclearFairy sent me (she gave her permission to use it as an example). Poor Nuc got a rewrite from me of the first six paragraphs and a massive breakdown of all the word and structural choices that went into the rewrite. She's a trooper for putting up with that I really dug into the nitty gritty of things like this. Rhythm, structure, word choice, arrangement, you name it.

 

[caleb35]

Agree with the comments above but also want to throw this out there for consideration -- rewrite your paragraph to meander more. It should be relaxed, like your protagonist, but as it's written now it's too focused. Let it drift, let it go off-topic, spend a few sentences just providing details on what can be seen from the balcony, the feel of the nightgown, the taste of the tea (is it too hot? cooling off too fast?) What are the cats doing in the videos? (leave out any political images/vids, that ain't relaxing). Go through all that, lazily, before focusing back on what's important to the story.

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

I have a 2700-word WIP that's a breakdown of implicit effects of word choice and structures on reader impact/psychology on something that @NuclearFairy sent me (she gave her permission to use it as an example). Poor Nuc got a rewrite from me of the first six paragraphs and a massive breakdown of all the word and structural choices that went into the rewrite. She's a trooper for putting up with that I really dug into the nitty gritty of things like this. Rhythm, structure, word choice, arrangement, you name it.

Thanks for teh feedback, but I have to ask... No comment on my hunky Goat man image???

 

[anthrodisiac]

Thanks for teh feedback, but I have to ask... No comment on my hunky Goat man image???

I missed that. I don't think I've ever seen so epic a goat man

 

[KittyOfSteele]

You know...
poetry...



taught me a bit about the importance of silence...















...long before I drafted my first haiku.



It adds to the tension too.

 

[anthrodisiac]

You know...
poetry...



taught me a bit about the importance of silence...















...long before I drafted my first haiku.



It adds to the tension too.

Neat.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

I don't like the whitespace version. It's just a bunch of one-line paragraphs when the whole thing belonged in one or two. It also looks amateurish, like the penchant for unskilled writers to blurt something out and hit a carriage return, repeat, repeat, repeat, with no understanding of paragraph structure. The first sample all in one wasn't very long to begin with and didn't need breaking up.

I get it. It's the internet and we don't need to save paper anymore so we can use whitespace, but basically the paragraph spacing has replaced the indent and that's all that we have to do. There is a ton of whitespace abuse going on these days. It's a bad habit of modern writing. Let's nip it in the bud.

 

[anthrodisiac]

I don't like the whitespace version. It's just a bunch of one-line paragraphs when the whole thing belonged in one or two. It also looks amateurish, like the penchant for unskilled writers to blurt something out and hit a carriage return, repeat, repeat, repeat, with no understanding of paragraph structure. The first sample all in one wasn't very long to begin with and didn't need breaking up.

I get it. It's the internet and we don't need to save paper anymore so we can use whitespace, but basically the paragraph spacing has replaced the indent and that's all that we have to do. There is a ton of whitespace abuse going on these days. It's a bad habit of modern writing. Let's nip it in the bud.

Agreed. If someone is going to be doing short paragraphs in that style, it should be for intentional effect, not "ease of reading" or "but everyone does it this way." I actually find it harder to read because it forces constant mental context resets that come with having paragraph breaks in that style.

 

[Bamagan]

Whitespace is free, and worth every penny.

Less sarcastically, I don't care much for stories where most of the paragraphs are also single sentences, although I know I'm in a bit of a minority these days, and a shrinking one at that. It feels too staccato, too digital. Like maybe the narrator has ADHD and can't pay attention to anything for as long as I'd like it to. I find it somewhat fatiguing and unsatisfying.

But I'm sure there are people who look at my stuff and think something along the lines of, "There are seven sentences in that paragraph! There's no way I'll still be thinking about the first one by the time I get to the seventh!"

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

I don't like the whitespace version. It's just a bunch of one-line paragraphs when the whole thing belonged in one or two. It also looks amateurish, like the penchant for unskilled writers to blurt something out and hit a carriage return, repeat, repeat, repeat, with no understanding of paragraph structure. The first sample all in one wasn't very long to begin with and didn't need breaking up.

I get it. It's the internet and we don't need to save paper anymore so we can use whitespace, but basically the paragraph spacing has replaced the indent and that's all that we have to do. There is a ton of whitespace abuse going on these days. It's a bad habit of modern writing. Let's nip it in the bud.

As usual, you ignore the actual question and completely miss the point of the original post. You're correct, the original example isn't that long in the first place and the second example is extreme to a detriment, but the exercise is to notice what it does to the pacing of the story and the general reading experience. As @TheLobster found, there is a sweet spot in the middle that is neither too compressed nor to expanded to work and express the lazy Sunday morning feeling I was going for.

So, do you write all your stories in one single massive block of text, or do you break them up into paragraphs for whatever reason. Does the size of your paragraphs impact the feel of the story, or the readability? Do you even consider how the flow of the text on the page impacts the feeling of the story and the pace? I personally can't read massive blocks of text. It's an immediate no-go when I open a story.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

As usual, you ignore the actual question and completely miss the point of the original post.

What did I say that made you think that I missed the point? You asked for opinions and discussion on the samples and the topic in general. I offered. What did I miss? And what do you mean by 'as usual'?

So, do you write all your stories in one single massive block of text, or do you break them up into paragraphs for whatever reason. Does the size of your paragraphs impact the feel of the story, or the readability? Do you even consider how the flow of the text on the page impacts the feeling of the story and the pace? I personally can't read massive blocks of text. It's an immediate no-go when I open a story.

My paragraph lengths vary greatly. Yes, paragraph size/length has an impact on flow and readability but not near so much as sentence length. You don't like massive blocks of text. Example 1 in your original post was nowhere near massive. I recall reading the Great Gatsby, and although I didn't care for the story overall, there was a beautiful scene somewhere in the middle where Gatsby reminisces about first meeting and falling for Daisy Fay that is full of lush imagery and emotion. It is a single paragraph that is one or two whole pages long. It's probably the best part of the entire book. As far as I'm concerned a paragraph should be as long as it needs to be, or as short as it needs to be. How long do you feel is too long?

Do I consider flow of text? MASSIVELY! I am constantly reading back and editing specifically for flow. More writers should do this.

 

[StillStunned]

This is just a small snippet , but I think it illustrates something we can all use to make our stories not only easier to read, but read like you want them to feel. As the title of this post says whitespace is free. I think adding the spacing also led me to be more intentional with each specific sentence as if they were each a scene on their own. In theroy, that shoule make them each better which would make the entire snippet, and by extension, the entire story better..

So, what do you think? Am I right, or just my usual delusional???
Let's discuss, maybe even show examples of times you've done something similar or done something different to impact the flow of your story.

I think paragraphs have evolved with the rise of on-screen reading and the shortening of attention spans. There's probably little that makes readers nope out faster than seeing a wall of text. Similarly, though, there's still a difference in function between paragraphs and sentences.

I try to break up paragraphs into units. Sentences that belong together: one character's speech, actions or thoughts, or the description of one element. Here's the opening of a sword & sorcery story I started doodling yesterday:

Sunset fell in the Imperial City of Mezhan, standing on the Hard Coast at the edge of the White Desert. The sounding of the great gong in the Westgate Tower heralded the end of the day’s business, when workers laid down their tools, shopkeepers ushered the last customers’ out into the street, and the massive gates in the city’s walls were closed and barred.

As the red disc had disappeared below the desert dunes, glowstones shed their light in the richer quarters and torches sputtered into life elsewhere. Their flames flickered from sconces and brackets in the Thieves’ Market, a collection of alleys and squares where the business of the night lived.

Shopfronts opened, musicians struck up in inns and taverns, streethawkers and harlots shouted their wares. Swaggering mercenaries brushes shoulders with shady scholars and love-sick poets. The air, cooler than under the desert’s hot sun but still warm, grew heady with the scents of spices, perfumes and strange smokes. Wine and stronger drink flowed by the jug down thirsty throats, and the hubbub rose and fell steadily like the tide that beat against the city’s eastern walls.

(I'm not entirely happy with the first sentence. Initially I had "Sunset in Mezhan was heralded by the sounding of the great gong in the Westgate Tower." But I needed to add some detail about what Mezhan was, and then the sentence became too clumsy. But anyway...)

Three paragraphs. The first describes where we are, and when: a desert city at sundown. Next, the transition from day to night. Third, the scene where the story begins.

I think that using paragraphs as units also helps to keep the narrative structured. In my example, there's a lot of information, and it would be easy to jumble it all together and let the reader sort it out. This way, they're given three pictures to form in their mind.

As the action begins:

“Avilia!”

The loud bellow carried across the night’s noise. Heads turned, eyes peered through the torchlit gloom to see whose voice it was and who they were calling to. Foreheads frowned and lips smiled at the thought of perhaps seeing some bloodshed.

“Avilia, you scrawny bitch!” the voice called again. “Get here and explain to your old Captain why you deserted her!”

By now most watchers had identified the players in this bit of entertainment. The speaker was a fiery-headed woman of short stature but broad shoulders. Blunt features were set in a wide grin, but the green eyes had a hard look.

Her plated hauberk left her arms bare to reveal hard muscles, and muscles also filled out her leather breeches. She had a small shield and a long curved sword strapped to her back, and her hand held a spiked helmet that she pointed in the direction of the other player.

I could combine the last two paragraphs, but I like the break between the description of the woman's physique and what she's wearing. I could also mix up the first four paragraphs, for example by having one paragraph with the redhead's dialogue, and one paragraph to describe the crowd's interest.

But these shorter paragraphs get the action going after the longer paragraphs to set the scene. I'm rewarding my readers by giving them short, snappy units to race through and meet the characters.

Avilia's paragraph is longer,:

The woman addressed as Avilia was just as clearly a warrior, even though she wore no armour. Her leather jerkin and breeches were sturdy and showed off her tall, athletic form. Grey eyes looked out expressionlessly beneath short spikey hair as she waited for the other woman to draw near. Her hands were placed carefully on her hips, neither too close to the hilts of the long daggers she wore there, nor straying too far from them.

But this reinforces that she's waiting, on the alert, without rushing into anything. It contrasts with the redhead's louder presence.

I think that the modern trend of shorter paragraphs is an excellent development. While accommodating our readers' attention span, our writing also benefits if we think about how we present the information. But we can also shape how our readers consume the information and how it impacts them.

 

[AG31]

Sunday morning found me on my balcony sipping hot tea, my legs pulled up close to my tummy, my nightgown stretched down over them to my ankles, as I watched a blue jay chase two squirrels through the trees.

Yes, I think white space can benefit a passage. It does here, except that it's overdone in places. For instance, I'd combine the 1st para with the 2nd. And look for others like that. What you have here becomes jerky instead of relaxing.

And since you posted this, I can't resist observing that "my nighttown stretched down over them to my ankles" breaks the rhythm for me. I like the image fine, but there are too many words here.

Just sayin', in case you're angling for perfection.

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

Yes, I think white space can benefit a passage. It does here, except that it's overdone in places. For instance, I'd combine the 1st para with the 2nd. And look for others like that. What you have here becomes jerky instead of relaxing.

And since you posted this, I can't resist observing that "my nighttown stretched down over them to my ankles" breaks the rhythm for me. I like the image fine, but there are too many words here.

Just sayin', in case you're angling for perfection.

Always striving, forever falling just short...

 

[liliput1]

I have a piece I’m writing that’s sort of an inflection point in a slow burn, which revolves around an emergency.

The structure of the rough draft was bugging me because full paragraphs were appearing at regular intervals and I keep wanting to split them up.

But most of them are the sort of long, internal monologues one has when trying to twist out of a rapidly deteriorating situation. I need to do this but then I can’t do that yet because of the other thing so I’ll do another thing and and and… now nobody is going to die, but look at this mess and how much can I clean up before the adrenaline goes and I’m a mess myself?

I think if anything when I get in the head space to revise it I will ask myself if I should make them longer, more claustrophobic. Because that’s exactly what’s happening; one person trying to wriggle out of a tight spot to help a “friend”.

You don’t want that in a dinner date, but it’s fine when Witney Houston is blaring in the background.

 

[liliput1]

Was the blown-out version supposed to be more relaxing? Because to me, it absolutely isn’t. I shorten my paragraphs when I want to increase the pacing, or highlight a moment of revelation or an important transition.

I’m finding that the

Dialog

Internal dialog

Dialog

Dialog

tempo works particularly well with internal conflict. It’s something I’ve stolen from my favorite authors here, particularly in the slow burn style, because it feels real.

Who hasn’t had a conversation where they didn’t know what they wanted or even what their options are and the other person says something that changes the math (or fails to, when you were hoping they would). You’re trying to avoid silence, and it’s just fucking awkward because if you just react you might say something you can’t take back and which you will instantly realize you didn’t even mean.

So there’s half a pregnant pause between everything you say and it’s torture, but you can’t keep not having this conversation because that’s ten times worse.

There’s a theory that I have since subscribed to, that the grunge rock era was a punk rock era under another name. Nothing was more punk than Kurt Cobain singing Lake of Fire by the Meat Puppets during their MTV Unplugged set. In interviews the band said Kurt picked the song specifically because it was outside his vocal range. He couldn’t hit the high notes so he had to squawk them out. It was fucking awkward, but also fucking brilliant.

Things should feel awkward when they are meant to be awkward. They should feel like a cup of cocoas when everything is going great and you’re ticking things off your bucket list left and right.

 

[Britva415]

I've read the whole thread so far, and I feel like much more focus is being given to the whitespace and linebreaks than to the words between them.

I don't know. I guess it could be a stepping stone: "If I wanted this passage to be less dense/ more relaxed/ less claustrophobic/ more introspective" or whatever the desired effect and intention was, "then what words would I use to fit that white space map I'm imagining for that effect?"

But whitespace follows from words. The words are where the effect comes from. The words are how the story is told.

Just seems kind of cart-before-horse.

 

[Britva415]

Whitespace is free but you get what you pay for

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

I've read the whole thread so far, and I feel like much more focus is being given to the whitespace and linebreaks than to the words between them.

I don't know. I guess it could be a stepping stone: "If I wanted this passage to be less dense/ more relaxed/ less claustrophobic/ more introspective" or whatever the desired effect and intention was, "then what words would I use to fit that white space map I'm imagining for that effect?"

But whitespace follows from words. The words are where the effect comes from. The words are how the story is told.

Just seems kind of cart-before-horse.

Sure, the words come first, but how you choose to arrange them on the page matters. That's the discussion. If you look at my two snippets, they read differently, the offer a different pacing, a different feel.
Do you agree, or disagree, and why?