Adult jokes that aren't about sex

[lanceGibs]

*SEX AT THE OLD AGE HOME.*

Don Carlos is 90 years old and lives in an old age retirement nursing home.
Every night after dinner, he secludes himself at the far-end of the garden.
One night, Juanita, 80 years old, approaches him. They start chatting about life and old age, and after a while, he says to her,

"You know what I miss most of all ?"

*What ?" asks Juanita.

"SEX !!!" says Don Carlos.

Juanita laughed and exclaimed,

"You horny old man, but you couldn't get it up even if they pointed a gun at your head!"

"I know*, he said, "but I would love for a woman to hold it for me, if only for a while.'

"Well, I can help you with that," said Juanita; and she unzips his zipper, gently takes out his little member and holds it in her hand.

Don Carlos' face was one of sheer pleasure !

They agree to meet secretly in the garden every night, where they would sit and chat, and Juanita would hold his member during that time.

One night, however, Don Carlos did not appear at their garden hideout at the agreed time.

Alarmed, Juanita began looking all over for him to make sure he was okay.

She ended up finding him sitting on the edge of the swimming pool, next to Catalina, a 85 year old woman, who was holding his member.

Absolutely furious, Juanita screamed at him.

"YOU TRAITOR, BASTARD, SON OF A BITCH !!!
WHAT DOES THAT CATALINA HAVE THAT I DON'T HAVE ???"


Don Carlos, with all the pleasure on his face, replied,

"PARKINSONS !!!"

 

[jehoram]

How did the mathematician deal with his constipation?

He worked it out with a slide rule.

 

[Comshaw]

This is not really a joke, it's a real incident that happened to a friend who works in an auto parts store.

A lady came into the store one day and asked for a "710" plug for her car. My friend was puzzled as to what she wanted, so he asked her where it fit. She said it was on the engine and somehow came up missing. My friend thought it might be for an old Datsun B210, so he asked what kind of car it was. She responded it was a Chevrolet. Still trying to figure it out my friend gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her draw a picture of it. She drew a circle and in the middle wrote 710. As she did my buddy began to laugh because he knew exactly what see wanted. Write 710 and turn it upside down, and you'll see why.



Comshaw

 

[Comshaw]

Two old dapper Irish gentlemen were walking home from the pub.

"Sean, how long have we been friends?" Fagan asked his friend.

"It be nigh onto 50 years." Sean replied.

I am going to ask yee a wee favor." Fagan told his friend, "On the shelf above me bed I have a fine bottle of 12 year old Irish whiskey. If I happen to die before you, would you do me the favor of pouring it over me grave?"

"I that I will," Sean replied, then after a few a steps added, "But would you mind very much if I run it through me kidneys first?"

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ferguson O'Conner came hobbling into the pub with a cast on one leg.

Garrett McCarvy the bar tender asked, "Ferguson, what happened to yee?"

"Twas little Ian O'Donnell it was." Ferguson replied as he hauled himself up on to a stool.

"Why Ian is just a tiny little chap! And he never seems to be the sort to go around attacking others. How did he manage to break your leg?"

"He did it with a shovel he did." Ferguson replied as he took a sip of his bitters.

"Didn't you try to defend yourself?"

"I, that I did. But I only had one hand to use."

"One hand? What were you doing with the other?"

"It was full of Mrs. O'Donnell's left tit, and a fine thing it was too."



Comshaw

 

[Duleigh]

St. Peter was working a double at the pearly gates one weekend when a Beautiful naked blond woman walked up. “What brings you here?” asked St. Pete

“I was killed by my husband, he come home from work at lunch time and I was taking a nap and he shot me and here I am!”

St. Peter thought for a moment then said, “Come on in, have a seat in the waiting room… Next!” A young man also nude walked up and St. Pete asked “What brings you here?”

“Dude! I don’t know what happened, I was sunbathing, yeah in the nude, but I’m on my patio, no one can see me. Then I hear gun fire! In the apartment below me! Dude! So I leaned over to see what was going on and I fell! But I caught the railing of the apartment below me. So I said a prayer of thanks and was pulling myself up when this dude came and started smashing my hands with a flowerpot! I couldn’t hold on! I fell four stories and landed in some bushes. I was like totally busted up but I was alive and as I said a prayer of thanks I looked up and there’s this refrigerator coming down out of the sky and poof! Here I am.”

“Dude!” said St. Pete, “have a seat in the waiting room… Next!” A haggared looking man walked up. “What brings you here?”

“I married a harlot! I knew she was cheating on me, I went home and sure enough she didn’t go to work, she was laying naked in the bed, some guys clothes scattered around the room so I shot her! Then I saw some movement on the patio and there he was! Naked as a jaybird hanging on the railing by his fingertips, so I grabbed the gazanias and smashed his hands and he fell, and he hit the ground but he was alive! So I rolled the refrigerator out onto the patio and hoisted it over the railing… and I felt this horrible pain in my chest and then here I am!”

“I can’t make it any prettier than this: you’re going to hell. Have a seat in the waiting room. Next!” A guy completely naked except for his hat that said Al’s Plumbing walked up. “What brings you here,” St. Peter asks.

With his Brooklyn accent the fellow says, “Ok, picture dis… you’re crouching naked in a refrigerator…”

 

[Duleigh]

This is not really a joke, it's a real incident that happened to a friend who works in an auto parts store.

True story - My Ner do well uncle married a truly saintly Irish girl, and she was VERY Irish, and the first Irish person in our family since 1850. My Uncle was cheap, and he got her an old chevy with a bad battery and she was constantly bringing it to my dad's auto shop, and quite often because it would just barely start. Turned out to be a bad battery post, so dad ran a sheet metal screw in between the post and the battery clamp to tighten the connection, and the corrosion turned the head of that screw green. Soon everybody in the family knew about Aunt Carol's "Irish Nut" and any nephew or in-law that could sling a wrench was asked at some point to tighten up Aunt Carol's Irish Nut. She actually drove that heap to Rochester one day and sure enough it would barely start so she took it to an auto shop asking in her little Irish brogue to get her Irish Nut tightened. The guys actually thought somebody set them up on Candid Camera. She eventually had them call my dad back in Buffalo to find out what an Irish Nut is.

 

[Nightjoy1]

"My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow."

 

[Nightjoy1]

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

 

[UnexpectedLuggage]

My grandfather single handedly brought down over 30 German planes during WW2.

Worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

 

[Wifetheif]

Cartoon caption: A U.F.O. hovers next to the United Nations Building -- a ramp descends. The Secretary General of the U,N. and his wife are on their way up the ramp. Coming down are the alien and his mate. Despite completely different body types, the wives are wearing identical dresses!

 

[Wifetheif]

I asked a pilot why he chose that profession.
"To conquer my phobia."
"Fear of flying, fear of technology?" I asked.
"No, fear of dying alone."

 

[Nightjoy1]

After a heavy night of bar hopping a man finally stumbles into a Catholic church early in the morning. Although he is completely wasted he makes it to the confession box and sits down. The priest who saw this poor lost soul rushes to his end of the confession box, as he can only imagine the amount of sins this man committed just last night. He waits for the drunk to start talking, but all remains quiet.
As the drunkard doesn’t seem to notice his presence the priest coughs loudly from his side of the wall. But still the drunk sinner doesn’t start his confession. Given the state his intoxicated guest is in, the priest assumes he needs fermer measures and knocks the wooden wall between them three times.
Finally the drunk man replies: “No need for knocking mate. There’s no toilet paper in this one either.”