Balancing Fantasy with Reality

[NicolaRedheadWifeUK]

I’m hoping some of you might have wisdom to share on a quiet struggle I’ve been carrying.

I’m in a beautiful, loving marriage with a man I deeply adore. He’s my best friend, my safe place, and we have so much joy, respect, and connection together. I wouldn’t trade our marriage for anything.

At the same time, I’ve been exploring and feeling a real desire and fantasy around ethical non-monogamy — the idea of opening our relationship with honesty, consent, and clear boundaries in a way that could feel expansive and fulfilling for me.

The hard part is that my husband doesn’t share this desire. He’s committed to us and has been open in our conversations, but non-monogamy isn’t something he wants or aligns with. So I find myself trying to balance these strong personal longings with the deep love and life we’ve built.

For those of you who’ve been in a similar spot: How do you hold a desire for ethical non-monogamy when your partner isn’t on the same page? Have you found healthy ways to process the fantasy without building resentment and that helped you find peace?

I’m not looking to pressure or change him — I love him exactly as he is. I just want to feel more integrated and at peace with this part of myself. Kind, non-judgmental advice only please.

 

[Zolitair]

I have come across many people like you in here.
There are 2 ways actually if your partner doesn't share you non-monogamy desire. Either cheat behind his back like many of us do, or divorce and live your life like you want.
I am on the same situation like you with my wife and after a long time I have cheated on her in many occasions. It's something I am not proud, but she doesnt share my high sex drive or non-monogamy opinion. So what she doesn't know, doesnt hurt her.
I know, many people would say that I am an ass..... lke you, I adore her and would give my life for her, but at the same time I have more needs than she can satisfy.

 

[LONDONJACK61]

Im in a similar situation to Zolitair, and have taken his course of action too. There is of course a 3rd option: that you do nothing about it , but resort to.your own world of fantasy . Literotica is useful.for that...

 

[NicolaRedheadWifeUK]

Literotica is the only l outlet for my frustration but it does help.

Interacting with others and being able to be open and honest about my feelings in an anonymous and safe environment is definitely helpful.

I understand cheating and divorce are solutions. The former I’ve tried and found the guilt just too overwhelming and the latter is definitely not what I want.

 

[Cumalive]

I find Literotica and other chat sites like it can be both a release and frustration too. I'm in a very long term, happy marriage but our sexual needs and desires do not align. I can't imagine not being together but also feel life is too short not to explore ones own needs so I have had the occasional liaison with others. My conscience isn't clear but what she doesn't know wont hurt her. Crass maybe but that's how I feel.

 

[Zolitair]

Literotica is the only l outlet for my frustration but it does help.

Interacting with others and being able to be open and honest about my feelings in an anonymous and safe environment is definitely helpful.

I understand cheating and divorce are solutions. The former I’ve tried and found the guilt just too overwhelming and the latter is definitely not what I want.

Literotica sure helped me, but i still need the real thing.... dont get me wrong, chatting and some online sexting with some wonderfull ladies here helps a lot, but I need the real thing too.... as I said, what she doesnt know, can't hurt her..... and I am super careful with the ladies I get together, as they are also married.... most of them!!!

 

[razor33a]

A bit similar but not a driving factor for me. That said, is there an outlet you can use if you want to avoid divorce or cheating? Watch porn that aligns with your desires but include him so he can help/play a part in it through dirty talk? If a new penis is a want maybe try sleeves or have him use dildoes on you? Read aloud books or listen to audio books of your interest but he can work on you, maybe blindfolded, so you can be more immersed but still being with him? You know him but he may be more than willing to participate as long as its just you two. For me neither of the obvious actions are good or wanted so yes, I refrain from some things (which is not fun) but I can get some satisfaction for my urges and not blow up mine or others life. She is not into my interests, nothing extreme, but a slow "this turns me on, think about it, im not planning on doing something" has broken rhe ice vs "either do this or I look elsewhere". My opinion and im a person that will suffer this as its less important than the fallout. It was sexless totally but that's a different issue and we've talked and are working on it, it was heading to a breakup.

 

[Shaglus_Ziegler]

I’m hoping some of you might have wisdom to share on a quiet struggle I’ve been carrying.

I’m in a beautiful, loving marriage with a man I deeply adore. He’s my best friend, my safe place, and we have so much joy, respect, and connection together. I wouldn’t trade our marriage for anything.

At the same time, I’ve been exploring and feeling a real desire and fantasy around ethical non-monogamy — the idea of opening our relationship with honesty, consent, and clear boundaries in a way that could feel expansive and fulfilling for me.

The hard part is that my husband doesn’t share this desire. He’s committed to us and has been open in our conversations, but non-monogamy isn’t something he wants or aligns with. So I find myself trying to balance these strong personal longings with the deep love and life we’ve built.

For those of you who’ve been in a similar spot: How do you hold a desire for ethical non-monogamy when your partner isn’t on the same page? Have you found healthy ways to process the fantasy without building resentment and that helped you find peace?

I’m not looking to pressure or change him — I love him exactly as he is. I just want to feel more integrated and at peace with this part of myself. Kind, non-judgmental advice only please.

Tough. Good Luck.

 

[Mickyb9669]

I’m hoping some of you might have wisdom to share on a quiet struggle I’ve been carrying.

I’m in a beautiful, loving marriage with a man I deeply adore. He’s my best friend, my safe place, and we have so much joy, respect, and connection together. I wouldn’t trade our marriage for anything.

At the same time, I’ve been exploring and feeling a real desire and fantasy around ethical non-monogamy — the idea of opening our relationship with honesty, consent, and clear boundaries in a way that could feel expansive and fulfilling for me.

The hard part is that my husband doesn’t share this desire. He’s committed to us and has been open in our conversations, but non-monogamy isn’t something he wants or aligns with. So I find myself trying to balance these strong personal longings with the deep love and life we’ve built.

For those of you who’ve been in a similar spot: How do you hold a desire for ethical non-monogamy when your partner isn’t on the same page? Have you found healthy ways to process the fantasy without building resentment and that helped you find peace?

I’m not looking to pressure or change him — I love him exactly as he is. I just want to feel more integrated and at peace with this part of myself. Kind, non-judgmental advice only please.

I’m hoping some of you might have wisdom to share on a quiet struggle I’ve been carrying.

I’m in a beautiful, loving marriage with a man I deeply adore. He’s my best friend, my safe place, and we have so much joy, respect, and connection together. I wouldn’t trade our marriage for anything.

At the same time, I’ve been exploring and feeling a real desire and fantasy around ethical non-monogamy — the idea of opening our relationship with honesty, consent, and clear boundaries in a way that could feel expansive and fulfilling for me.

The hard part is that my husband doesn’t share this desire. He’s committed to us and has been open in our conversations, but non-monogamy isn’t something he wants or aligns with. So I find myself trying to balance these strong personal longings with the deep love and life we’ve built.

For those of you who’ve been in a similar spot: How do you hold a desire for ethical non-monogamy when your partner isn’t on the same page? Have you found healthy ways to process the fantasy without building resentment and that helped you find peace?

I’m not looking to pressure or change him — I love him exactly as he is. I just want to feel more integrated and at peace with this part of myself. Kind, non-judgmental advice only please.

Wow I understand your predicament

 

[Cdp1979]

This is a really powerful and honest thread.

I’m in a very similar situation too. Divorce and cheating aren’t an option, but I’m left empty and intimately lonely in many senses. Lit has been an absolute thrill of an outlet which has been intoxicating at points. I did meet up for a drink with one person from lit who was great and got on really well with, but I knew in my heart that I’d regret taking things further for a few minutes (ok hours…) of “fun” so declined the opportunity. I say all this because I genuinely feel that ache deep inside and it’s tough. There is no winning answer, just a “best worst option” - for some as said above it’s the “what they don’t know can’t hurt them” others it is going separate ways as life is too short. I think for me right now - having agreed clear boundaries on lit seems to be working as well as possible (the mind is a wonderfully powerful thing)

It would be awesome if my wife just said “hey it’s all good - go and enjoy yourself sexually” but that just ain’t happening….

I wish you all the best - and thanks for sharing

 

[Mickyb9669]

This is a really powerful and honest thread.

I’m in a very similar situation too. Divorce and cheating aren’t an option, but I’m left empty and intimately lonely in many senses. Lit has been an absolute thrill of an outlet which has been intoxicating at points. I did meet up for a drink with one person from lit who was great and got on really well with, but I knew in my heart that I’d regret taking things further for a few minutes (ok hours…) of “fun” so declined the opportunity. I say all this because I genuinely feel that ache deep inside and it’s tough. There is no winning answer, just a “best worst option” - for some as said above it’s the “what they don’t know can’t hurt them” others it is going separate ways as life is too short. I think for me right now - having agreed clear boundaries on lit seems to be working as well as possible (the mind is a wonderfully powerful thing)

It would be awesome if my wife just said “hey it’s all good - go and enjoy yourself sexually” but that just ain’t happening….

I wish you all the best - and thanks for sharing

I sympathise buddy

 

[cadman7777]

Literotica is the only l outlet for my frustration but it does help.

Interacting with others and being able to be open and honest about my feelings in an anonymous and safe environment is definitely helpful.

I understand cheating and divorce are solutions. The former I’ve tried and found the guilt just too overwhelming and the latter is definitely not what I want.

I hope it works out for you

 

[Guardianweekender]

I find Literotica and other chat sites like it can be both a release and frustration too. I'm in a very long term, happy marriage but our sexual needs and desires do not align. I can't imagine not being together but also feel life is too short not to explore ones own needs so I have had the occasional liaison with others. My conscience isn't clear but what she doesn't know wont hurt her. Crass maybe but that's how I feel.

I have the same situation. My wife is a very timid flower, and will always have to be unaware of my desires to have more vigorous and less gentle loving - it just isn’t her thing. All I can do is find alternative ways to release the pressure valve.

 

[Dave1010101]

Literotica is the only l outlet for my frustration but it does help.

Interacting with others and being able to be open and honest about my feelings in an anonymous and safe environment is definitely helpful.

I understand cheating and divorce are solutions. The former I’ve tried and found the guilt just too overwhelming and the latter is definitely not what I want.

I am in a similar situation, where Literotica is my only outlet (and people I chat to on other platforms that I met here). So far I have managed to keep it to online cheating only (I still feel guilty about emotional cheating) - my RL is totally faithful, my online is a crazy fuckfest. Not feeling great about it as the temptation to cheat in RL is a tear when you get attached emotionally. Mostly for me, my online relationships are 1,000s of miles away.

 

[Guardianweekender]

I am in a similar situation, where Literotica is my only outlet (and people I chat to on other platforms that I met here). So far I have managed to keep it to online cheating only (I still feel guilty about emotional cheating) - my RL is totally faithful, my online is a crazy fuckfest. Not feeling great about it as the temptation to cheat in RL is a tear when you get attached emotionally. Mostly for me, my online relationships are 1,000s of miles away.

A lot of this resonates with me Dave. Perhaps the details might be different, but having to keep RL separate from what you need / want - I completely get this and share the reality.

 

[Mickyb9669]

I hope it works out for you

Im sure it can be sorted out

 

[MiloMcLeod]

I think it’s a situation that requires the wisdom of Solomon to resolve, and that’s not something I profess to have. But I think the safe space for exploration and fantasy Lit provides can’t be underestimated. Maybe the trick is being able to half-satisfy what one craves in the cyber activities and at the same time, find some kind of balance/ acceptance with your partner’s position so as not to fuel any resentment. That’s kind of the area I’ve made home for myself but it wasn’t easy. And it may not be a permanent fix. But all the very best to you on your journey x

 

[tonyp]

I’m hoping some of you might have wisdom to share on a quiet struggle I’ve been carrying.

I’m in a beautiful, loving marriage with a man I deeply adore. He’s my best friend, my safe place, and we have so much joy, respect, and connection together. I wouldn’t trade our marriage for anything.

At the same time, I’ve been exploring and feeling a real desire and fantasy around ethical non-monogamy — the idea of opening our relationship with honesty, consent, and clear boundaries in a way that could feel expansive and fulfilling for me.

The hard part is that my husband doesn’t share this desire. He’s committed to us and has been open in our conversations, but non-monogamy isn’t something he wants or aligns with. So I find myself trying to balance these strong personal longings with the deep love and life we’ve built.

For those of you who’ve been in a similar spot: How do you hold a desire for ethical non-monogamy when your partner isn’t on the same page? Have you found healthy ways to process the fantasy without building resentment and that helped you find peace?

I’m not looking to pressure or change him — I love him exactly as he is. I just want to feel more integrated and at peace with this part of myself. Kind, non-judgmental advice only please.

Fantasy is fun, some shared some not. Find some common ground to share - You might be surprised, maybe if you find the right starters, they may open other doors.

 

[Older_Pervert]

I’m hoping some of you might have wisdom to share on a quiet struggle I’ve been carrying.

I’m in a beautiful, loving marriage with a man I deeply adore. He’s my best friend, my safe place, and we have so much joy, respect, and connection together. I wouldn’t trade our marriage for anything.

At the same time, I’ve been exploring and feeling a real desire and fantasy around ethical non-monogamy — the idea of opening our relationship with honesty, consent, and clear boundaries in a way that could feel expansive and fulfilling for me.

The hard part is that my husband doesn’t share this desire. He’s committed to us and has been open in our conversations, but non-monogamy isn’t something he wants or aligns with. So I find myself trying to balance these strong personal longings with the deep love and life we’ve built.

For those of you who’ve been in a similar spot: How do you hold a desire for ethical non-monogamy when your partner isn’t on the same page? Have you found healthy ways to process the fantasy without building resentment and that helped you find peace?

I’m not looking to pressure or change him — I love him exactly as he is. I just want to feel more integrated and at peace with this part of myself. Kind, non-judgmental advice only please.

In my experience, sadly, there is no painless way of resolving this dichotomy……two divorces are my personal experience, but I’m very happy now

 

[Mickyb9669]

Fantasy is fun, some shared some not. Find some common ground to share - You might be surprised, maybe if you find the right starters, they may open other doors.

100% agree

 

[spawnofdavey]

It's definitely not easy when a fantasy or kink that's deeply felt isn't shared by your partner. I guess I'm in a similar position, after 20 years of being married it feels like asking my wife about a particular fantasy that hasn't been expressed in such a long time would be a potential deal breaker. So, it's something I only talk about online, on forums such as Literotica or with people I've connected with here.

It's likely to be only a fantasy and never a reality with my wife. Some days it's easier to deal with than others.

 

[Guardianweekender]

It's definitely not easy when a fantasy or kink that's deeply felt isn't shared by your partner. I guess I'm in a similar position, after 20 years of being married it feels like asking my wife about a particular fantasy that hasn't been expressed in such a long time would be a potential deal breaker. So, it's something I only talk about online, on forums such as Literotica or with people I've connected with here.

It's likely to be only a fantasy and never a reality with my wife. Some days it's easier to deal with than others.

Absolutely my experience too!

 

[hugh_jarce69]

I’m hoping some of you might have wisdom to share on a quiet struggle I’ve been carrying.

I’m in a beautiful, loving marriage with a man I deeply adore. He’s my best friend, my safe place, and we have so much joy, respect, and connection together. I wouldn’t trade our marriage for anything.

At the same time, I’ve been exploring and feeling a real desire and fantasy around ethical non-monogamy — the idea of opening our relationship with honesty, consent, and clear boundaries in a way that could feel expansive and fulfilling for me.

The hard part is that my husband doesn’t share this desire. He’s committed to us and has been open in our conversations, but non-monogamy isn’t something he wants or aligns with. So I find myself trying to balance these strong personal longings with the deep love and life we’ve built.

For those of you who’ve been in a similar spot: How do you hold a desire for ethical non-monogamy when your partner isn’t on the same page? Have you found healthy ways to process the fantasy without building resentment and that helped you find peace?

I’m not looking to pressure or change him — I love him exactly as he is. I just want to feel more integrated and at peace with this part of myself. Kind, non-judgmental advice only please.

Completely identify with all of this.
Been married for over 25 years and for many of those years our sex life was wonderful. I could tell she was losing interest. The last couple of times we had sex I seemed to be the one doing all the work, and all the touching. She orgasmed and went to sleep. That was about seven years ago now.
I was gradually getting more & more down about it all until I found this place late summer last year. It’s changed my life and my outlook. I have somewhere to express my fantasies & not feel odd. Have got off with other anonymous people satisfying me as much as cumming on your own can.

I love my wife and don’t want to separate or divorce. But I’ve had no say in all of this.

A couple of months ago I had ‘the chat’. “Will we ever have sex again?” She was shocked & said she thought we’d just got out of the habit I explained how I still get urges (didn’t tell her how often), but couldn’t face hearing the answer if I asked if she ever did. I said there’s no intimacy anymore & she was surprised I thought that.

Since then it’s as if I never said anything. Touching is as absent as ever. Think we’ve hugged once since then & that was cos a friend of ours died.

So the next conversation I’m planning of discussing open marriages. Loads of people on here seem to have them. Initially I thought it was mainly in the US but there are some in UK who do. In my head I’ve pretty much decided I’m gonna cheat. I guess I’m just giving her the opportunity to consider I might, in case she might understand what I’m going through.

Until I found this place I believed it was me who was not attractive to her. But based on conversations there are others who share my fantasies & desires, so I can’t be that repulsive.

I’m of the opinion it’s not fair for one person in a relationship to dictate how the other has to live just cos that’s how they want to live. We don’t have kids so no one else will get hurt. I can’t really see her agreeing to me having sex with anyone else but I feel I need to risk putting the idea in her head. She’ll probably laugh at my belief someone else might want sex with me.

Sorry, hope I’m not hijacking your thread. Just wanted to explain how I feel your pain & frustration. Maybe you can find someone on here to have sex chat with, maybe even voice chat as that’s still relatively safe & lacking commitment

 

[LONDONJACK61]

I think your wife's reaction is not so uncommon. Somewhere, maybe subconsciously, she will realise what shes depriving you (both of you) of , but can't bring herself to face up.to it. Hence her sounding, or pretending g to sound surprised by your chat. I agree it.sounds weird if see previously was good. I am genuinely.interested how she responds to the suggestion you find someone else.

 

[Vladamier_Dracul]

It is difficult when you and the one you love and adore have different sexual drives and desires. I am much more adventurous and risqué than my wife but she is open to trying new things to a point, so things are progressing.
We have recently had some fantasies and discussions about swinging, swapping, hall passes and such and while I have allowed myself to have visions of my wife sucking another man’s dick or taking his cock in her pussy; and after having frank discussions on Lit with other guys who have done this, I have realized that some things need to stay in the fantasy category. She says she has no desire to be with anyone else, so fantasy is fantasy and reality is what it is.
Everyone is different, but I would advise that having is not always as pleasant as wanting, just be sure as things once done cannot be undone.