BDSM With Somebody You Don't Like

[seela]

Do it for Uncle Lex.

Well I for sure chuckled when I read this. Uncle Lex.

Although, maybe a creepy uncle? That suits the image better.

I tried to pinpoint it while writing the previous answer, but failed. But it is the same for everyone, yes - this is a change due to my age though. 20 years ago I would have been more hypocritical and made exemptions for good looks.

For one, if you finally manage to convince me that you are worthless by treating my opinion as worthless. If it's impossible for me to compliment anything without you disregarding my opinion and rather talk me down, then there is quite some leeway, but really, don't wear me down.

I would fuck Lara Trump, Vanessa Trump, Ivanka Trump and Tiffany Trump, as long as they don't oppose birth control while fucking me(1). If you believe Corona is a hoax I would sort you out, but not due to the idiocy itself, but for my own safety reasons.

(1) Disclaimer:
I didn't follow their activities closely, so maybe I would change my mind with more information.

That's interesting! So as long as you aren't disrespected by treating your opinions as worthless, it can be all good and game on.

 

[seela]

This is an interesting topic. I don't know that I've really gone down this path far. I've played with some people I don't know very well but through conversation and some play gained a level of trust. One guy I didn't really know at all but really gained a level of trust with him that I don't have with many others. I can't really sry that I despised any of them though. The one that I have the greatest trust with I think I would like from the things I do know. I have played with some people that o have some major differences with beliefs, especially political. I'm kind of used to having different beliefs and ideas from a lot of people around me though.

I think a lot of it depends on the type of play and why the person isn't liked. I still need to think on this.

Do you think the fact that you don't know them very well plays a role in what kinds of scenes you do? Would it be easier/more difficult to do some things if you knew your partners better?

 

[seela]

Just wanted to say it was great to read through this thread, seems like good conversational threads are few and far between. Nice to see past people, too.

As to the question, I'll have to flip it over in my head a bit.

I can say I used to think I had to have a deep, trusting connection with someone in order to submit or even play in a kinky way. I wanted my partner - whether romantic or play - to "get" me. Know me.

After a time, I realized I'd never get to experience fun kink stuff if I waited around for this amazing connection. So I sought out people who were good at the things I wanted to try (ie, single tail, knife play) and asked if they'd consider doing those things to me.

One woman was super physically unattractive to me and frankly, she was weird (to me) but I really really liked her style of play.

Same with this older gentleman who had the black socks/sandal thing going on but he could wield a wicked whip and I wanted to try that.

I'm not quite sure this is the same as your question.

My question is broad and I only offered my story as a jumping off point.

I think you bring up an important point here. Sometimes, to some people at least, it might be worth considering if simply getting to experience something is worth letting go of some ideals.

Very often bdsm is talked about as something that happens within a loving relationship. It's often represented as a paragon of sorts. And it might not always be achievable to all for various reasons. That's why I think it's worthwhile to bring up different points of view at times that might challenge people to consider their own opinions on the matter.

 

[Primalex]

Well I for sure chuckled when I read this. Uncle Lex.

Although, maybe a creepy uncle? That suits the image better.

That's interesting! So as long as you aren't disrespected by treating your opinions as worthless, it can be all good and game on.

Well, the topic was limited to not liking someone. There are plenty of potential very good other reasons to not play with someone, no matter whether you like the person or not.

 

[seela]

Well, the topic was limited to not liking someone. There are plenty of potential very good other reasons to not play with someone, no matter whether you like the person or not.

Well yes, of course. Sorry I wasn't very clear in my previous post and made it (you?) sound a little one dimensional. I shouldn't post while at work.

 

[Islander55]

This is a very interesting thread. My first reaction was no way I would have sex with someone I did not like. Then I remembered a few incidents in my past. One I remember quite well. He was a total jerk but boy did he get me off. Now that I am older and still interested in trying a few new things, I am thinking I should focus more on what I want and does it mesh with what he wants and not worry about how compatible we might be after.

 

[Conager]

I can't relate. I can work up an interest in someone sexually that I have less attachment than I would prefer, but I don't want to be around, much less be sexual with people I don't like.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Do you think the fact that you don't know them very well plays a role in what kinds of scenes you do? Would it be easier/more difficult to do some things if you knew your partners better?

I think it definitely can affect scenes. Some people struggle with giving pain, humiliation, etc to people they care deeply about. I have one friend that thinks that it's not really possible. I have other friends that think it is. One guy hasn't said as much but he's definitely less inclined to take charge the more we've known one another. I'm not sure if feelings have a part in this or what. We are conditioned to an extent as to what is proper in society do it could be hard to go against some of those early learned lessons.

At the same time, I think for some things it's better to know your partner well in some aspects. Edge play depending on what edges are being pushed comes to mind for that. With one partner, I don't know many things about him but I know enough to know that I can trust him completely. That level of trust was built through discussions primarily and very much supported with sessions.

I have another play partner that I don't trust quite to that level. I certainly know that he would never do anything intentionally to truly hurt me but I think while he's very experienced, he's evolving and learning more of what he likes and doesn't like. Also he's been deeply hurt so he pretty much keeps everyone at arms length or even further so I'm just cautious with him to an extent. I consider him a great friend but I definitely want to be careful to not hurt him. As far as not trusting him quite as much as the other guy, it's more because he isn't ready to be as open as the other guy.

When I say open, I don't mean sharing every aspect of your life. I'm referring more to knowing and sharing kink interests as well as boundaries and general values about life.

 

[JeremyZ]

I've done bdsm with a couple of people who I didn't especially "like". Although I didn't exactly dislike them, we just had nothing in common in terms of life interests, educational interests, or our futures. BUT . . . for some reason there was a sexual connection. One reason was trustability. Another reason just might have been the knowledge that I would never try to get emotionally or romantically involved with them, because they weren't my "type". This strangely made it easier to be candid with them, and they with me. Anolther element was that we both had rather intense and private mental lives. By that I mean there was frequent rumination, somewhat troubled early lives and perhaps some psychological suffering in our histories. That caused a reluctance to engage with people sometimes, and to reserve a part of ourselves which was not typically shown in relationships. And another reason we were able to get it on was, I think, having a strong sex drive in general. We had an unspoken connection between those reserved parts of ourselves which made it easy to reveal our sexual selves and engage in consensual bdsm.

I was also able to "control" them in the sense of steering their behaviors towards sex and accepting me, or other practical things and preferences in our 'relationship' that were important to me. This let me be "me" and stay "me." I didn't dominate (I was the submissive), but I guess I was able to "top from the bottom" as I've learned it's called. I think that gave them some reasurrance actually, and the ability to get pleasure from their partner's pleasure because their partner (me!) told them what he wanted them to do. If I couldn't control them directly on some issue, I'd try to do it indirectly or even a little manipulatively, although this was rare. We didn't share everything about ourselves. But communication lines were very very open on the bdsm wavelength---which I think is the only way to do it. And yes you CAN have a workable relationship with someone you don't "like" if all those elements are present. At least that's been my experience.

As for "respect", meh. Not especially, although I didn't show it. But we both respected the "rules" of keeping it private and cooperative. This made it work. I came to respect a couple of them but still not like them all that much. They were not people I'd usually introduce to my group of friends; we both intuitively kept our relationship with each other compartmentalized, again probably for privacy and security reasons.

But, I'd never do bdsm with someone who truly disgusted me physically or personality-wise or who I was afraid of. BDSM requires trust because it would be easy to be blackmailed or embarrassed by your partner in unwanted ways outside of bdsm. You also have to trust them (and they you) to not do unwanted things during bdsm.

 

[seela]

This is a very interesting thread. My first reaction was no way I would have sex with someone I did not like. Then I remembered a few incidents in my past. One I remember quite well. He was a total jerk but boy did he get me off. Now that I am older and still interested in trying a few new things, I am thinking I should focus more on what I want and does it mesh with what he wants and not worry about how compatible we might be after.

I think that's a very valid point. Sometimes it makes sense to gain an experience rather than be focused on if the person you're experiencing the thing with has a chance to be your "forever person".

I can't relate. I can work up an interest in someone sexually that I have less attachment than I would prefer, but I don't want to be around, much less be sexual with people I don't like.

Thank you for participating.

Do you think liking and trusting someone go hand in hand? Or are they separate to you?

I think it definitely can affect scenes. Some people struggle with giving pain, humiliation, etc to people they care deeply about. I have one friend that thinks that it's not really possible. I have other friends that think it is. One guy hasn't said as much but he's definitely less inclined to take charge the more we've known one another. I'm not sure if feelings have a part in this or what. We are conditioned to an extent as to what is proper in society do it could be hard to go against some of those early learned lessons.

At the same time, I think for some things it's better to know your partner well in some aspects. Edge play depending on what edges are being pushed comes to mind for that. With one partner, I don't know many things about him but I know enough to know that I can trust him completely. That level of trust was built through discussions primarily and very much supported with sessions.

I have another play partner that I don't trust quite to that level. I certainly know that he would never do anything intentionally to truly hurt me but I think while he's very experienced, he's evolving and learning more of what he likes and doesn't like. Also he's been deeply hurt so he pretty much keeps everyone at arms length or even further so I'm just cautious with him to an extent. I consider him a great friend but I definitely want to be careful to not hurt him. As far as not trusting him quite as much as the other guy, it's more because he isn't ready to be as open as the other guy.

When I say open, I don't mean sharing every aspect of your life. I'm referring more to knowing and sharing kink interests as well as boundaries and general values about life.

You bring up a thing I've always been intrigued and aroused by. The thought that someone can truly like you and love you and still make you do disgusting and painful things... It's just such a lovely contradiction to me.

With someone you don't like that contradiction isn't there, but it also feels a little more risky because of that. It feels like there's one small layer of safety net missing.

I have a certain sadistic streak, very contained and specific, but I think I'd have a very hard time letting loose on someone I really care about.

I've done bdsm with a couple of people who I didn't especially "like". Although I didn't exactly dislike them, we just had nothing in common in terms of life interests, educational interests, or our futures. BUT . . . for some reason there was a sexual connection. One reason was trustability. Another reason just might have been the knowledge that I would never try to get emotionally or romantically involved with them, because they weren't my "type". This strangely made it easier to be candid with them, and they with me. Anolther element was that we both had rather intense and private mental lives. By that I mean there was frequent rumination, somewhat troubled early lives and perhaps some psychological suffering in our histories. That caused a reluctance to engage with people sometimes, and to reserve a part of ourselves which was not typically shown in relationships. And another reason we were able to get it on was, I think, having a strong sex drive in general. We had an unspoken connection between those reserved parts of ourselves which made it easy to reveal our sexual selves and engage in consensual bdsm.

I was also able to "control" them in the sense of steering their behaviors towards sex and accepting me, or other practical things and preferences in our 'relationship' that were important to me. This let me be "me" and stay "me." I didn't dominate (I was the submissive), but I guess I was able to "top from the bottom" as I've learned it's called. I think that gave them some reasurrance actually, and the ability to get pleasure from their partner's pleasure because their partner (me!) told them what he wanted them to do. If I couldn't control them directly on some issue, I'd try to do it indirectly or even a little manipulatively, although this was rare. We didn't share everything about ourselves. But communication lines were very very open on the bdsm wavelength---which I think is the only way to do it. And yes you CAN have a workable relationship with someone you don't "like" if all those elements are present. At least that's been my experience.

As for "respect", meh. Not especially, although I didn't show it. But we both respected the "rules" of keeping it private and cooperative. This made it work. I came to respect a couple of them but still not like them all that much. They were not people I'd usually introduce to my group of friends; we both intuitively kept our relationship with each other compartmentalized, again probably for privacy and security reasons.

But, I'd never do bdsm with someone who truly disgusted me physically or personality-wise or who I was afraid of. BDSM requires trust because it would be easy to be blackmailed or embarrassed by your partner in unwanted ways outside of bdsm. You also have to trust them (and they you) to not do unwanted things during bdsm.

I absolutely agree on the bolded bit! Not caring about what the other person thinks of you makes it a lot easier to let go of some of my own hang ups and lower my guard. It's scary in a way how it works.

Welcome to Lit.

 

[ChuckWolf]

I have written and am writing a few stories involving characters who dislike/hate each other and one of them winds up in a position where they can dominate and/or sexually humiliate the other person and they do so.

I think it's a very sexy idea.

 

[DVS]

I don't enter into many discussion threads, unless they involve fetishes of mine, or toys of my preference, etc. But, I thought I'd add my thoughts on this thread. Why? I don't know. It could be your AV.

I could participate in a BDSM scene with someone I don't know, someone I don't like, but not someone I dislike. Well, let me alter that a little bit. Since I'm the dominant and she's the submissive, her thoughts about me would also play into this. And yes, if she had a nice body, that would sway my thoughts, too.

But, I'd hate to get into a BDSM scene with someone I really hated, because first, I don't think I'd enjoy it for the sex part, but I could end up taking my aggressions out on her body and that's not what BDSM is all about.

Sure, if she's into it, that's one thing. Especially, if she's expecting me to do that. I'm more into mental torment, with tasteful pain at the right time and eventually the emotions come out. Like with everybody, it's a stepping stone of levels to the final explosion in her, that I'm looking for.

So, if she's expecting me to be more forceful, because she knows I don't like her, I could do that. But, I'd have to be on my guard with how far I go, because hate is a strong emotion, too.

I have sadism in my genes, and this could play into an S/m situation quite nicely, when you think about it. With a S/m scene, it's all about giving and receiving pain. The most pure relationship with an S/m couple is to be strangers. I think getting to know someone can be beneficial, in some ways, but after a while, that feeling of normalcy sets in and it's like she learns to know what's coming up next, as well as I do.

I was in an S/m scene with a woman at her request. She contacted me and said she knew about me and wanted to do it. She was pretty open about it and said she knew she could trust me, and that was her main reason for contacting me.

It worked pretty well, but she just wanted that one scene. She'd said that up front. And I never saw her again. She actually wanted her ass to be black and blue. She requested that. Her body was pretty fleshy, so it wasn't difficult to do. But, even with the sadist in me sometimes wanting to come out, I was doing that for her benefit and not mine. I did enjoy myself, but I'm also glad it was just a one time thing.

Back to doing a scene with someone you don't like...you can sometimes feel more free with someone like that, because you are less worried about doing something your partner doesn't like. Something that might make them less comfortable with you, in the future. I don't think you'd have that feeling with someone you don't like. You wouldn't care as much what they are thinking. Body types and things about your body or their body that aren't "pretty" wouldn't be that much of a deal breaker, either.

Again, you aren't really that worried about the future. In fact, if they stick around, after seeing these things, or experiencing how you are with them, it's kind of refreshing. She's coming back for more? After how I treated her? Interesting. That can sometimes open up new doors in your mind...more avenues of experimentation. I like to think of myself as experienced and creative, but in a situation like that, who knows what my mind could come up with. It's scary and fascinating at the same time.

 

[Paul_Chance]

This has been an enjoyable read. Lots to ponder.

I'll give me my perspective.

Could I engage in a BDSM sexual scenario with someone I didn't like or respect?

Yes, I could and have.

I separate physical sex and emotional sex pretty effortlessly. Like and respect are psychological judgements where lust and desire are physical states. For better or worse I can pretty cleanly separate the two.

I usually fall back on a musical metaphor. I play guitar. I have a custom Ibanez that I absolutely love. For me, it's my transcendent guitar. When I play it, in my mind (psychological state) it makes me a better musician. I have Hohner 440, which is my knock around guitar. I do not love that guitar. The sound is good enough for casual play with friends, to take to a party, and so forth. But, to get anything great out of it takes hard work.

Physical lust is the same way. I love sex and BDSM when the connection is there - when it hits both the psychological state and the physical state together. But, I am quite capable of playing the physical instrument without the psychological state and that is how I look at sex and BDSM. The physical act in itself is quite pleasurable, even absent the psychological state.

Looking backwards I can even point to the sexual encounter with heavy BDSM that opened me up to it. Years ago I had an acquaintance, a friend of friend, whom I did not like or respect. She was mean. She was curt. You couldn't trust her. Her favorite pastime was drama and often cruel drama. She was also very hot, physically. She didn't like me or respect me, largely because I routinely called her on her bullshit.

But, after a series of events, we ended up fucking. That is all it was, the purity of fuck at a primal level. Over the course of the year and a half we were fucking each other we hit about every variation of imaginative hate-fucking you can think of, most wrapped in the BDSM envelope. There was a level of consensual violence in the relationship that was NOT psychologically healthy, but at the time and place in both our lives was extremely physically gratifying.

 

[seela]

I'm glad I bumped the theread! Thank you for joining the conversation, everybody!

I have written and am writing a few stories involving characters who dislike/hate each other and one of them winds up in a position where they can dominate and/or sexually humiliate the other person and they do so.

I think it's a very sexy idea.

I wonder if I could submit to somebody I hate or I feel truly hates me.

Not liking, not caring, despising a little is different from hate. That's what's going on in my situation. Hate to me feels a step too far in the risky territory.

I don't enter into many discussion threads, unless they involve fetishes of mine, or toys of my preference, etc. But, I thought I'd add my thoughts on this thread. Why? I don't know. It could be your AV.

I could participate in a BDSM scene with someone I don't know, someone I don't like, but not someone I dislike. Well, let me alter that a little bit. Since I'm the dominant and she's the submissive, her thoughts about me would also play into this. And yes, if she had a nice body, that would sway my thoughts, too.

But, I'd hate to get into a BDSM scene with someone I really hated, because first, I don't think I'd enjoy it for the sex part, but I could end up taking my aggressions out on her body and that's not what BDSM is all about.

Sure, if she's into it, that's one thing. Especially, if she's expecting me to do that. I'm more into mental torment, with tasteful pain at the right time and eventually the emotions come out. Like with everybody, it's a stepping stone of levels to the final explosion in her, that I'm looking for.

So, if she's expecting me to be more forceful, because she knows I don't like her, I could do that. But, I'd have to be on my guard with how far I go, because hate is a strong emotion, too.

I have sadism in my genes, and this could play into an S/m situation quite nicely, when you think about it. With a S/m scene, it's all about giving and receiving pain. The most pure relationship with an S/m couple is to be strangers. I think getting to know someone can be beneficial, in some ways, but after a while, that feeling of normalcy sets in and it's like she learns to know what's coming up next, as well as I do.

I was in an S/m scene with a woman at her request. She contacted me and said she knew about me and wanted to do it. She was pretty open about it and said she knew she could trust me, and that was her main reason for contacting me.

It worked pretty well, but she just wanted that one scene. She'd said that up front. And I never saw her again. She actually wanted her ass to be black and blue. She requested that. Her body was pretty fleshy, so it wasn't difficult to do. But, even with the sadist in me sometimes wanting to come out, I was doing that for her benefit and not mine. I did enjoy myself, but I'm also glad it was just a one time thing.

Back to doing a scene with someone you don't like...you can sometimes feel more free with someone like that, because you are less worried about doing something your partner doesn't like. Something that might make them less comfortable with you, in the future. I don't think you'd have that feeling with someone you don't like. You wouldn't care as much what they are thinking. Body types and things about your body or their body that aren't "pretty" wouldn't be that much of a deal breaker, either.

Again, you aren't really that worried about the future. In fact, if they stick around, after seeing these things, or experiencing how you are with them, it's kind of refreshing. She's coming back for more? After how I treated her? Interesting. That can sometimes open up new doors in your mind...more avenues of experimentation. I like to think of myself as experienced and creative, but in a situation like that, who knows what my mind could come up with. It's scary and fascinating at the same time.

Yeah, it's been mentioned before as well how not liking or having an emotional attachment to the person can allow you to experiment more freely. It's an interesting concept.

Yes. I can get turned on by people I don’t like.
I’m shallow.

Can I be in a relationship with them? BDSM, or otherwise?

Fuck no.

How about a one time / few times thing rather a relationship? Something akin to casual sex or one night stands?

With this dude I've had the most selfish submissive experiences in my life. It's a different kind of head trip for me.

This has been an enjoyable read. Lots to ponder.

I'll give me my perspective.

Could I engage in a BDSM sexual scenario with someone I didn't like or respect?

Yes, I could and have.

I separate physical sex and emotional sex pretty effortlessly. Like and respect are psychological judgements where lust and desire are physical states. For better or worse I can pretty cleanly separate the two.

I usually fall back on a musical metaphor. I play guitar. I have a custom Ibanez that I absolutely love. For me, it's my transcendent guitar. When I play it, in my mind (psychological state) it makes me a better musician. I have Hohner 440, which is my knock around guitar. I do not love that guitar. The sound is good enough for casual play with friends, to take to a party, and so forth. But, to get anything great out of it takes hard work.

Physical lust is the same way. I love sex and BDSM when the connection is there - when it hits both the psychological state and the physical state together. But, I am quite capable of playing the physical instrument without the psychological state and that is how I look at sex and BDSM. The physical act in itself is quite pleasurable, even absent the psychological state.

Looking backwards I can even point to the sexual encounter with heavy BDSM that opened me up to it. Years ago I had an acquaintance, a friend of friend, whom I did not like or respect. She was mean. She was curt. You couldn't trust her. Her favorite pastime was drama and often cruel drama. She was also very hot, physically. She didn't like me or respect me, largely because I routinely called her on her bullshit.

But, after a series of events, we ended up fucking. That is all it was, the purity of fuck at a primal level. Over the course of the year and a half we were fucking each other we hit about every variation of imaginative hate-fucking you can think of, most wrapped in the BDSM envelope. There was a level of consensual violence in the relationship that was NOT psychologically healthy, but at the time and place in both our lives was extremely physically gratifying.

The bolded bit hits home and sends quivers to unmentionable places for sure. Yep, that's a very apt description of how it felt to me at times.

 

[ultramarineblue]

It is a lovely contradiction of doing sadistic things to someone you care about. One friend thinks that it is impossible and another thinks it is possible. I definitely think it's easier when you don't deeply care about the person.

There are so many comments people have made that are good.

 

[ChuckWolf]

I wonder if I could submit to somebody I hate or I feel truly hates me.

Not liking, not caring, despising a little is different from hate. That's what's going on in my situation. Hate to me feels a step too far in the risky territory.

Yeah, the kind of examples I'm thinking (and writing) of are through an erotic story filter and not really getting into all the real-world risks of letting yourself be dominated by someone who hates you (but is also sexually attracted to you).

 

[Mei5ter]

It is a lovely contradiction of doing sadistic things to someone you care about. One friend thinks that it is impossible and another thinks it is possible. I definitely think it's easier when you don't deeply care about the person.

There are so many comments people have made that are good.

Dislike, hatred...these are also active emotions. If you fuck someone you hate, you're fucking someone for whom you have feelings. You care, I guess. It's not really my thing, but objectively I can see it.

I would only want to do sadistic things to someone if I cared about them. You don't get that from me otherwise.

 

[cookiecat]

I disagree with the premise it's easier to be sadistic to someone you don't care about or you dislike.

There's something thrilling to me when my partner has spent time figuring out how to get in my head, how to fuck with me. Mind fuck, body fuck, whatever.

The more we know each other, the more he can use my insecurities, desires, shame, lust in a sexual way to fulfill his desires makes me feel loved.

It has to be done in a relationship where I know I can let him in to my head, where I trust him to use me in a way that isn't going to leave me broken.

If I don't like someone, there's only so far I'll go. It can be a good fuck. It can satisfy me in the moment. But I can't go to that next level of submission, I won't fully open up the masochistic side that scares me.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Dislike, hatred...these are also active emotions. If you fuck someone you hate, you're fucking someone for whom you have feelings. You care, I guess. It's not really my thing, but objectively I can see it.

I would only want to do sadistic things to someone if I cared about them. You don't get that from me otherwise.

I understand. I think I feel more of an emotional connection with someone willing to do the more sadistic things I enjoy.

I disagree with the premise it's easier to be sadistic to someone you don't care about or you dislike.

There's something thrilling to me when my partner has spent time figuring out how to get in my head, how to fuck with me. Mind fuck, body fuck, whatever.

The more we know each other, the more he can use my insecurities, desires, shame, lust in a sexual way to fulfill his desires makes me feel loved.

It has to be done in a relationship where I know I can let him in to my head, where I trust him to use me in a way that isn't going to leave me broken.

If I don't like someone, there's only so far I'll go. It can be a good fuck. It can satisfy me in the moment. But I can't go to that next level of submission, I won't fully open up the masochistic side that scares me.

I think I'm a lot more like this in many ways. I feel that it's a way of showing how much you care about someone to give them what that need.

I can definitely do some stuff with people that I don't have that connection with but it just doesn't go as deep so far. It's more along the lines of experiencing something as part of a demonstration.

I can see how there can be a primal connection with a person disliked though.

I'm not sure that I've fully explored either side of that though. Most of my play partners have just been good friends with nothing beyond friendship there. I've learned a great deal though and in spite of them not being more than friendships I've developed great levels of trust with some of them.

 

[Mei5ter]

I disagree with the premise it's easier to be sadistic to someone you don't care about or you dislike.

There's something thrilling to me when my partner has spent time figuring out how to get in my head, how to fuck with me. Mind fuck, body fuck, whatever.

The more we know each other, the more he can use my insecurities, desires, shame, lust in a sexual way to fulfill his desires makes me feel loved.

It has to be done in a relationship where I know I can let him in to my head, where I trust him to use me in a way that isn't going to leave me broken.

If I don't like someone, there's only so far I'll go. It can be a good fuck. It can satisfy me in the moment. But I can't go to that next level of submission, I won't fully open up the masochistic side that scares me.

That's unnervingly close to how I feel, but seen from the opposite perspective.

All I'd add is that, speaking personally, sadism comes with an emotional cost. You know those dark places in your desires and fantasies where you're a little scared to go yourself? Well, it's an amazing experience to go there with you and transform that into sexual pleasure unlike any other. Nothing else comes close. But try to imagine being the person who does those things, which are so shameful, painful, degrading and humiliating that you don't want to admit them. Imagine what's in my head when I do them, and mean them.

Anyway. Just a thought.

 

[cookiecat]

That's unnervingly close to how I feel, but seen from the opposite perspective.

All I'd add is that, speaking personally, sadism comes with an emotional cost. You know those dark places in your desires and fantasies where you're a little scared to go yourself? Well, it's an amazing experience to go there with you and transform that into sexual pleasure unlike any other. Nothing else comes close. But try to imagine being the person who does those things, which are so shameful, painful, degrading and humiliating that you don't want to admit them. Imagine what's in my head when I do them, and mean them.

Anyway. Just a thought.

win - win

It's a good thought.

 

[LauraWilling]

I probably should read more of the replies before commenting and my experiences were really from submitting to someone I disliked. I have had a few experiences where I has handed over to a Dom I did not know by ome one I knew and trusted 100%.

At times I was humiliated, pushe a little farther than I had been in the past and a little scared at the same time. But each time it turned out to be some of the best most exciting BDSM type sessions I have ever had .It broke through some of my limits as well. I can't say mine were bad experiences at all.

 

[Lady2020]

I've been in only one bdsm relationship. At times it was difficult bc he wasn't willing to share much of his interests or his life. Overall, he was likable. Would I enter another relationship like this? Probably not. If he could have said what he was into in the beginning, especially total control, I would have told him to fuck off. And that is why he wasn't upfront from beginning.

 

[ultramarineblue]

That's unnervingly close to how I feel, but seen from the opposite perspective.

All I'd add is that, speaking personally, sadism comes with an emotional cost. You know those dark places in your desires and fantasies where you're a little scared to go yourself? Well, it's an amazing experience to go there with you and transform that into sexual pleasure unlike any other. Nothing else comes close. But try to imagine being the person who does those things, which are so shameful, painful, degrading and humiliating that you don't want to admit them. Imagine what's in my head when I do them, and mean them.

Anyway. Just a thought.

I can imagine that could be difficult.

 

[lanceGibs]

That's unnervingly close to how I feel, but seen from the opposite perspective.

All I'd add is that, speaking personally, sadism comes with an emotional cost. You know those dark places in your desires and fantasies where you're a little scared to go yourself? Well, it's an amazing experience to go there with you and transform that into sexual pleasure unlike any other. Nothing else comes close. But try to imagine being the person who does those things, which are so shameful, painful, degrading and humiliating that you don't want to admit them. Imagine what's in my head when I do them, and mean them.

Anyway. Just a thought.

....an extremely well articulated thought, nevertheless.