Best way to encourage spouse to lose weight?

[Guest]

I need help. My wife and I have been married for 5 years now. We are both 28 yrs old. We dated in high school, then off and on till we got married. She was a cheerleader and still is very pretty.

To make long story short, since the marriage she has really put on a lot of weight. I mean like nearly 100lbs. I love her dearly, and aside from cosmetic reasons, I am worried about her health. There is some history of breast cancer in her family and we are soon to be starting a family. I know the extra weight is not healthy. I try to keep trim. (5'10"@170) I work out and have tried to get her to with no luck.

How can I tell her this, without hurting her feelings.

Thnks!

As a married woman with typical weight fluctuations, I would have to say that your wife KNOWS she is 100 pounds overweight. Women are generally aware of (and disconcerted about) their weight.

It is good you are concerned about her, but I wonder what else is happening in your lives right now? Is your wife happy in her job? Is she clinically depressed? Are you two having any kind of marital problems? Do you help around the house? There really could be a myriad of reasons for this, including whatever medication she may be on. She should be medically checked - cholesterol, thyroid, etc. to rule out possible problems there.

She does need your love and support - not criticism, not pointing out her weight (how do you know it is 100 pounds, by the way - did she tell you, or are you guessing?)

Does she still feel beautiful, and do you help with that? Hopefully she knows you see her that way.

I wish you luck with this, but my thoughts are really with your wife.

Another tip - men lose weight much faster than women because of differing amount of muscle - I don't think she'll wish to work out with you for awhile - just a thought.

 

[lovechild27]

She does have to be the one to make the final decision. But try suggesting little things. Go for a walk after dinner to talk. Order salad instead of french fries. Quit buying ice cream. Maybe buy matching bikes so you two can enjoy the weekends outside. Dont concentrate so much on loosing weight. Look at maybe changing your general life style. Even if you are in good shape, it wouldnt hurt! good luck to both of you...you do sound like a nice man.

 

[horny_giraffe]

k, dickweed, we said nothing against diet and excercise, we said something against your "assertive" comments, which were egocentric and insensitive.

What a spirited response!

I'm not always quite sure when is the best time to be honest and assertive, and when to keep my mouth shut. I recall in an earlier discussion (tips on breaking up, notification about menstruation, etc) that many were arguing for brutal honesty. You seem to be arguing now that this is the time for extreme subtlety, perhaps even a few little white lies (by ommission, at the very least.)

This is not necessarily inconsistent. They are different situations, after all. I certainly don't have anything against subtlety.

As a straight, white European-American male, I have become accustomed to the fact that I have no civil advocates. I must always rally the support of others--not by appeals to pity, but by appeals to self-interest. As such, I may have acquired a certain air of brutality and egocentrism. Put simply, I have to look out for myself because few will look after me if it does not serve them to do so.

Even worse, there are many people out there that believe that the world owes them something--that I owe them something. I have perhaps become hardened to the vagrant on the street who asks for change without hope of ever changing his situation, which will probably get worse.

I have found that it is a mistake to externalize one's problems and to look for solutions in the behavior of others. When I hear overweight people talk about "chemical imbalances" and overeating as a psychological disorder, it strikes me that these are often no more than excuses to give up and indulge themselves. There are some things we can control in life, and our eating behavior is one of them.

Fulfillment of one's goals is 90% drudgery--and this is a fact to which few people can reconcile themselves. Movie stars have extremely long, mostly boring days of work. Tom Hanks said in an interview regarding his movie "Castaway" that he starved himself for several weeks in order to lose the necessary weight. I'm sure that he was often quite uncomfortable during those weeks. I am often uncomfortable when I work out.

I can sympathize with those people of weak character. I have found that I have a weakness when it comes to academic study in that I will often distract myself in order to avoid the work. But for me to claim ADD, for example, would be ludicrous. I am responsible for my own behavior, and I don't wish to erode my own power by finding excuses.

I don't ask for forgiveness for looking out for myself. I refuse to martyr myself for another's benefit and I will not associate with those that cannot tolerate my self-interest. I will give to others for the sake of a relationship--even to the point that others may feel is excessive. But in order to negotiate my friendships and acquaintances, I must be able to communicate my desires. You may call that egocentric and insensitive. Perhaps it is egocentric. But how can one be sensitive to others when they are insensitive to their own feelings?

 

[Willing and Unsure]

I have found that it is a mistake to externalize one's problems and to look for solutions in the behavior of others. When I hear overweight people talk about "chemical imbalances" and overeating as a psychological disorder, it strikes me that these are often no more than excuses to give up and indulge themselves. There are some things we can control in life, and our eating behavior is one of them.

before you start talking with you foot in your mouth while your head is up your ass, think for a minute. it is possible that some people really do have phsyical and psychological problems that cause them to eat or become less active in their life. My father is a perfect example of this. he started gaining weight out of nowhere and didnt want to do anything except go to sleep when he got home from work everyday. why did he do this? his thyroid had become inactive. stuff like that happens. if someone is depressed (meaning manic depression), a lot of times they turn to food to comfort them because it leaves them a slightly contented fulfilled feeling after they are through stuffing themselves. and after eating enough to feel that full, you feel sleepy and instead of doing something active, sit down for a nap or to watch tv. these things are physical and psychological and something that a person needs help with.

and fyi, starving yourself is not healthy. I do not care what anyone else in the world may have told you, you're body requires at a minimum 2000 calories a day. some people have less, but they also tend to feel more tired and more withdrawn. the only true healthy way to lose weight is through eating right and exercising.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

As a straight, white European-American male, I have become accustomed to the fact that I have no civil advocates.


When I hear overweight people talk about "chemical imbalances" and overeating as a psychological disorder, it strikes me that these are often no more than excuses to give up and indulge themselves. There are some things we can control in life, and our eating behavior is one of them.

I am often uncomfortable when I work out.

I can sympathize with those people of weak character.

1) Cry me a fuckin river.
2) some people DO have chemical imbalances. And y'know what?! Their doctors are the ones that discover it! And what about people who starve themselves? It's not a physical thing, it's a psychological thing. YOu can't sit there and tell me that bullimic people only do it cus they want to lose weight. Why can't you? Cus I've BEEN bullimic. For years. And y'know what? It had nothing to do with weight. It was about stress, and about feeling gross and ugly, and about being neglected by family, and about dealing with near rape, etc. Dont' fucking tell me that I didn't eat cus I wanted to be thin. Bullimia became an addiction. Smoking is an addiction. Eating can be an addiction. Fuck off, mr. perfect. Some people can't control their smoking, or their nailbiting, other people can't control their eating habits.

3) And once again, poor you, mr. I'm-so-uncomfortable-when-I-work-out. Jesus, you're the martyr of the modern-day gym. I love working out. I get a lot of excercise. I box and kickbox. I do yoga and tai chi. I go for long walks, and I play some sports. And yet, oh dear GOD, I'm still overweight. But I'm healthy. And y'know what? I get uncomfy when I go to the gym, too... but until now, no one heard ME complain.

4) You can sympathize with us po' people of weak character? Oh you Mother Teresa of Lit. Thank you! Oh THANK YOU FOR YOUR KINDNESS! *PRAISE GOD, I"VE FOUND SOMEONE WHO CAN SYMPATHIZE!!!!!!!* (collapses in religious frenzy)

Fuck off.

 

[Michael42]

You Rock Vixenshe

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Re: You Rock Vixenshe

lol.. why thank you, Michael.

 

[Manhunter]

I myself would just go on evening walks together. It's healthy, romantic to do it together and the pounds will start coming off.

 

[lilpriss]

Vixen, you took the words right out of my mouth!

Except I would like to point out that starving oneself (anorexia) or bingeing and purging (bulimia) becomes a control issue, not necessarily a weight thing. Oh sure it starts out for weight loss... I've been on "diets" so restricted that I wonder why I dont' have heart problems now. For example, in high school, I'd have a glass of milk for breakfast, four peanut butter crackers and unsweetened tea for lunch and about an ounce of whatever the protein source was at dinner, with water. Quite bland, but it was my routine for a few months, and I leaned on it. I don't know exactly what happened... but I did start to eat normally again eventually. And I wasn't overweight at that time.

Anyway unregistered, you've been given plenty advice, I wish you well. A hundred pounds is a lot to lose, I know, I've been there.

 

[Weird Harold]

She is 5'6" roughly. I would say when we first got married she was around 130lbs or so. Very sexy. Long brown hair, 36B and unbelievable legs! She now is a ??DD ( I like that part) To guess the weight...220?? Not really sure. I hate the fact that I am afraid to mention it to her. The change really started after we were married and she got on the pill. I understand that is a bad side effect. She has been off it for nearly a year now.

I wish I had some suggestion to offer that I was certain would work -- unfortunately, my own experience dosn't indicate that I have any good ideas on this subject. My Ex-ife was 5'2" 125 lbs when we married, 190 or so when we divorced,and is currently around 230-250, despite constant dieting.

The only practical suggestion I can make is to suggest she get a physical -- possibly as a prelude to trying for a child. Let the doctor make the suggestions about losing the weight so you can be the supportive husband helping her to follow doctor's orders.

Failing "Doctor's Orders," you might conspire with her friends for them to provide the impetus to diet for you to support.

I know from experience, that anything about her weight coming from you is likely to be translated as "you don't love me any more," and place a severe strain on your marriage.

 

[Lust Engine]

Harold...

I think you hit on a HUGE idea here by having medical professionals backing you up. Any attempts to sway personal habits could be misconstrued as a personal attack. Having a doctor's unbiased opinion on the situation lessens the sting of making it personal. It can also be a rallying cry for the BOTH of you to work on.

Great idea, Harold (as usual!)

 

[Cheyenne]

I've been losing weight since April. I've thought about it, and I think I have a few ideas on what made me decide to lost it rather than gain more.

1) Someone loved me, WITH the extra weight, unconditionally. I finally believed that this year. It made the weight "okay."

2) I went on vacation and saw pictures of me on that trip. I barely recognized myself. My real image didn't fit at all with my mental image of me.

3) I went for a physical to a new doctor and saw the doctor write "obese" on my paperwork. She didn't lecture me at all. She just talked to me like she was giving me an assignment, which she was. Eat xx number of calories per day and start exercising. I think it made a difference to have her give me an exact number of calories she wanted me to eat- I didn't have to research and figure anything out on my own. Saying "no" didn't even really seem like an option- this woman expects me to be thinner when I go back for my physical next year!

It took a lot of years to put the extra weight on and it is taking awhile to get it off. I'm down several sizes and finally had someone comment this past week that they noticed I was thinner.

 

[horny_giraffe]

I've been losing weight since April. I've thought about it, and I think I have a few ideas on what made me decide to lost it rather than gain more.

1) Someone loved me, WITH the extra weight, unconditionally. I finally believed that this year. It made the weight "okay."

2) I went on vacation and saw pictures of me on that trip. I barely recognized myself. My real image didn't fit at all with my mental image of me.

3) I went for a physical to a new doctor and saw the doctor write "obese" on my paperwork. She didn't lecture me at all. She just talked to me like she was giving me an assignment, which she was. Eat xx number of calories per day and start exercising. I think it made a difference to have her give me an exact number of calories she wanted me to eat- I didn't have to research and figure anything out on my own. Saying "no" didn't even really seem like an option- this woman expects me to be thinner when I go back for my physical next year!

It took a lot of years to put the extra weight on and it is taking awhile to get it off. I'm down several sizes and finally had someone comment this past week that they noticed I was thinner.

Well, slap me upside the head and call me Susan. (or dickweed, or asswipe I prefer the anger to the self-pity.) Perhaps the best thing for mr. unregistered is to simply shut up and let the doctor do the talking, like WierdHarold says.

There's nothing like a testimony from one who has "been there" but can still see the trail back. Lead on, Cheyenne!

 

[GreenEyedGodess]

Watching my mother go through all the "fad diets" and continue to gain weight, has led me to believe that dieting is a bunch of bullshit. Stop waisting the time and the energy. Live life, and love life, no matter what size you are, because life is too short to beat yourself up, about something God screwed up.

 

[lovechild27]

I think Green eyed goddes has said it best. Maybe she is happy with herself!!!

 

[lilpriss]

Uhh. sorry to throw this out, but God doesn't screw up. Humans do.

Most of the post though I agree with.

Fad diets don't work... only a consistent lifestyle which includes sensible eating (not fast food three meals a day or sweets until a diabetic coma is acheived) and excersize will take off excess weight.

Life IS too short to dwell on shortcomings.

Something else to think of unreg, what are you going to think when your wife starts to get older and grey hairs and wrinkles start to appear. What will she think of you when you start to go bald and one day she wakes up and the stud she married now has a tool shed to protect his tool? Aesthetics go my friend. (For everyone, except Sean Connery it seems) Love her like you always have. But I digress.

 

[Cheyenne]

Watching my mother go through all the "fad diets" and continue to gain weight, has led me to believe that dieting is a bunch of bullshit. Stop waisting the time and the energy. Live life, and love life, no matter what size you are, because life is too short to beat yourself up, about something God screwed up.

Yup, I said the same thing. But I was short of breath walking up the stairs and seriously considering if I'd end up selling my two story home to get a ranch all on one floor when I get older. My blood pressure had gone up, too, although it wasn't considered "high" yet. God didn't screw up my weight, I did. And I'm fixing it. Staying away from fast food, eating yogurt for breakfast instead of cookies, more salads and fruits in my diet. I don't really eat less, I think. I just eat different things. I'm probably more surprised than anyone that I don't miss a lot of the stuff that I thought I would. Like fast food. And if I miss something, I eat it. Not necessarily a whole bag of something that is salty and greasy when I get that craving, for example. But a small snack bag, single serving. One trip to Taco Bell in a month or two instead of one or two trips every week. I think I've been to Mc Donalds 3 times since April. And I still eat chocolate every day. But a much smaller quantity than I'd eat before. I'm not following any "diet" other than trying to hold down the total number of calories I eat.

 

[Pervert]

Tell her from now on she will eat nothing but vegetables and whatever protien she can suck out of you.

 

[Bandit58]

Cheyenne

At the beginning of the year I weighed 72kg (about 160lbs) I am 5ft 8 tall and fine-boned and the weight really showed on my tummy and upper arms. When I married 24 years ago I was only 51kg (112lbs) - in between I gave up smoking and had two kids.

My marriage broke up six months ago. Even before that I had started to lose weight, because of stress I think. Now I am 67kg (148lbs) and have stabilised. I eat 3 meals a day plus snacks, but no biscuits or cakes (I prefer savoury tastes but will eat chocolate sometimes!). I was never a binge eater.....and I always eat something for breakfast, even if it's just a banana. I even eat dessert occasionally...... I am not a fan of exercise though but will have to do something to tone myself up......

I realise that I was not obese, but I didn't like the way I looked and I felt unattractive. I now have a flat tummy and my clothes fit better, I even had to buy new ones in sizes I haven't worn for years. Eating smaller portions and not depriving yourself of anything seemed to work for me