Bit confused, online friend...

[plaidscott]

I've known a (slightly older) woman for about a month now online. We flirt playfully most of the time and have a bit in common. I really enjoy talking to her (we chat almost daily), consider her a friend and, honestly, have a bit of a crush on her (she does not know this as far as I know, but she may have picked up on it).

Thing is, she continually compares me to someone that she intends on dating. In fact, it gets a bit weird at times, with all the coincidences. What I'm trying to figure out is if she's trying to tell me that she's interested in me or that she just happens to have him on her mind a lot. I also happen to fit quite a bit of what she's interested in (she revealed some of these details before we really knew each other).

Either way I won't be meddling with their relationship, but I'd like to get some opinions on this. Are these signs that she may want a bit more? Or am I just making things up in my mind?

 

[SweetErika]

Why would she tell you she wants to date someone else if she's truly interested in being with you? That seems odd to me.

Also, would an offline relationship be a realistic possibility, or is the distance too great?

If an offline relationship is a viable option, why not tell her you really value your friendship, but you'd also be interested in going on a date sometime if she'd like to, because it seems you have a lot in common?

 

[tonightsthenigh]

Thing is, she continually compares me to someone that she intends on dating. In fact, it gets a bit weird at times, with all the coincidences. What I'm trying to figure out is if she's trying to tell me that she's interested in me or that she just happens to have him on her mind a lot. I also happen to fit quite a bit of what she's interested in (she revealed some of these details before we really knew each other).

Either way I won't be meddling with their relationship, but I'd like to get some opinions on this. Are these signs that she may want a bit more? Or am I just making things up in my mind?

Of course it's hard for anybody to tell, but from what you say with the references to you, I think she is interested in you.

Probably a good time for you to play hard to get and aloof. Don't go and make yourself look like you are easy to get. Play it cool --- sounds like you have a hot one on your hands.

Have fun!

 

[ScottyS]

I second what Tonightsthenight said. I find that whenever you have a friendship with a potential romantic partner, especially if there is someone else involved, the best thing you can do is be somewhat aloof. It's something about the way women (especially young women) think about potential partners; if you appear to be a sure thing, absolutely available, she'll feel all too comfortable with letting the friendship go on as it is and pursuing the other person. But if she understands that the opportunity to be with you won't always be there, she'll likely be more careful before choosing the other person over you.

Sometimes, you have to send a subtle message that your presence in her life is just as tenuous as hers in yours.

 

[satindesire]

I've known a (slightly older) woman for about a month now online. We flirt playfully most of the time and have a bit in common. I really enjoy talking to her (we chat almost daily), consider her a friend and, honestly, have a bit of a crush on her (she does not know this as far as I know, but she may have picked up on it).

Thing is, she continually compares me to someone that she intends on dating. In fact, it gets a bit weird at times, with all the coincidences. What I'm trying to figure out is if she's trying to tell me that she's interested in me or that she just happens to have him on her mind a lot. I also happen to fit quite a bit of what she's interested in (she revealed some of these details before we really knew each other).

Either way I won't be meddling with their relationship, but I'd like to get some opinions on this. Are these signs that she may want a bit more? Or am I just making things up in my mind?

The best thing for you to do in this situation would be, instead of asking other people what they think might be the situation, you should ask HER what she's thinking.

That's the only way you'll know for sure.

Directness is ALWAYS the best option, in my opinion. No second guessing, no wondering, no agonizing, no over-analyzing necessary. Just a simple question with a simple answer, and problem solved.

 

[SweetErika]

The best thing for you to do in this situation would be, instead of asking other people what they think might be the situation, you should ask HER what she's thinking.

That's the only way you'll know for sure.

Directness is ALWAYS the best option, in my opinion. No second guessing, no wondering, no agonizing, no over-analyzing necessary. Just a simple question with a simple answer, and problem solved.

Well, yeah, but actually talking with her is WAY too easy and sensible.

Or at least too simple and smart compared to, say, coming up with an elaborate scheme for playing hard to get, sending coded messages, trying to make her want you and generally manipulating her and the situation.

 

[satindesire]

Well, yeah, but actually talking with her is WAY too easy and sensible.

Or at least too simple and smart compared to, say, coming up with an elaborate scheme for playing hard to get, sending coded messages, trying to make her want you and generally manipulating her and the situation.

God forbid we be sensible these days, eh?!

 

[infinity706]

Why would she tell you she wants to date someone else if she's truly interested in being with you? That seems odd to me.

Also, would an offline relationship be a realistic possibility, or is the distance too great?

If an offline relationship is a viable option, why not tell her you really value your friendship, but you'd also be interested in going on a date sometime if she'd like to, because it seems you have a lot in common?

Oh, I had a woman try the exact same thing on me once. I actually knew what she was up to, but I just felt like playing hard to get. Afterall, she was very big on the idea of women being equal to men, so I was going to wait and make her ask me out herself. It actually didn't work, though. She quit her job and moved to Florida with her sister. That's pretty irrelevant, but the point is, some women ask guys out that way.

 

[Firebrain]

Oh, I had a woman try the exact same thing on me once. I actually knew what she was up to, but I just felt like playing hard to get. Afterall, she was very big on the idea of women being equal to men, so I was going to wait and make her ask me out herself. It actually didn't work, though. She quit her job and moved to Florida with her sister. That's pretty irrelevant, but the point is, some women ask guys out that way.

Waaaahahaaaa. Sorry. Ahem.

I agree with Erika (again). I would wonder what her motives are if she's seeing somebody else. My honest answer would be that if you've just been talking online and she's trying to wheedle anything remotely self gratifying out of you, then that is all you're there for. Sorry.

 

[tonightsthenigh]

Well, yeah, but actually talking with her is WAY too easy and sensible.

Or at least too simple and smart compared to, say, coming up with an elaborate scheme for playing hard to get, sending coded messages, trying to make her want you and generally manipulating her and the situation.

I'm not saying an "elaborate scheme" but the OP doesn't want to get pigeon-holed into "best friend" status --- he clearly wants more than that.

A heavy yes or no question puts somebody on the spot where they might not make a honest answer. Once a man is put into the best friend, BFF or GBF category it's hard for him to get out and convince her that he's dating material.

With you Erika, a simple yes or no question might work, but from my experience it wouldn't work with a lot of women -- did you forget... sometimes the chase is half the fun ; )

 

[satindesire]

I'm not saying an "elaborate scheme" but the OP doesn't want to get pigeon-holed into "best friend" status --- he clearly wants more than that.

A heavy yes or no question puts somebody on the spot where they might not make a honest answer. Once a man is put into the best friend, BFF or GBF category it's hard for him to get out and convince her that he's dating material.

With you Erika, a simple yes or no question might work, but from my experience it wouldn't work with a lot of women -- did you forget... sometimes the chase is half the fun ; )

I've seen from personal experience that any person who can't answer "yes" or "no" when you ask them if they want to date you...isn't worth dating.

I've found that people who can't be honest with themselves and honest with other people tend to be rather self-interested and self-absorbed when it comes to relationships. I also like self-aware people. If that person doesn't know if they want to date me or not, why waste my time with them?

Not logical.

 

[HoHoBomb]

I've known a (slightly older) woman for about a month now online. We flirt playfully most of the time and have a bit in common. I really enjoy talking to her (we chat almost daily), consider her a friend and, honestly, have a bit of a crush on her (she does not know this as far as I know, but she may have picked up on it).

Thing is, she continually compares me to someone that she intends on dating. In fact, it gets a bit weird at times, with all the coincidences. What I'm trying to figure out is if she's trying to tell me that she's interested in me or that she just happens to have him on her mind a lot. I also happen to fit quite a bit of what she's interested in (she revealed some of these details before we really knew each other).

Either way I won't be meddling with their relationship, but I'd like to get some opinions on this. Are these signs that she may want a bit more? Or am I just making things up in my mind?

Wake the fuck up!

She knows you like her
she knows you want to fuck her
so she uses you when she needs attention

 

[Eilan]

Directness is ALWAYS the best option, in my opinion.

Yeah, really. Who has time for all that PUA bullshit?

Of course, it's always possible that the OP is seeing what he wants to see because of his feelings for the woman he's chatting with.