CAUGHT RED-HANDED

[Grntmb]

Girls Night out


Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?

Then the woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his
butt, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.

 

[Weird Harold]

OUCH!!! My sides hurt!

Girls Night out

<Swipe> (Stolen and passed on to my daughters.

 

[Mistress]

Laughs!

 

[BrainyBeauty]

Mistress- you from Kentucky?

Here's a new joke for you:

IF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER WAS GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA...

10. His promise to Californians: "The electricty will be baaaaaack!"

9. He could wrestle Jesse Ventura -- winner gets the loser’s state!

8. Formal state dinners held at Planet Hollywood.

7. Democratic celebrities would mysteriously start disappearing.

6. There would be a new Survivor 3, based on "The Running Man."

5. He and George W. Bush could help each other get edjumacated in speaking English.

4. His office: Muscle Beach

3. Ronald Reagan would be granted Total Recall.

2. Citizens would do hard time for flabby triceps.

1. He would have to give up his current job and start acting for a living!

 

[Mistress]

Cracks up laughing!

Yeppers, a good ol' Kentucky wild cat here...Purrs

 

[doctor_insanus]

Cracks up laughing!

Yeppers, a good ol' Kentucky wild cat here...Purrs

And a Mountaineer, from your Wild and Wonderful neighbors to the northeast, here! Strokes the kitty

Good kitty!

 

[Busty]

Just want to thank Mistress for starting this thread - I really needed a few good laughs and I sure got them.

 

[Mistress]

Smiles brightly!

Your welcome ehhe..theres a ton of others floating around too.


Purrs and rubs up against Doc.

 

[doctor_insanus]

Scratches under kitty's chin and watches her little tail twitch

Such a pretty kitty!

 

[Mistress]

Presses up against your hand wanting to be rubbed more

 

[doctor_insanus]

Running his hands across kitty's soft fur

Kitty would like a kitty treat, perhaps?

 

[Mistress]

Smiles

 

[doctor_insanus]

 

[Kiss-met]

"What's for lunch?"

President George Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney go to a restaurant for lunch. When the waitress comes over to take their orders, Cheney says,"I'd like to have the house salad please..i've got to watch what I eat now, especially after what happened to me." Cheney says with a smile..the waitress then turns to the President and asks him what he would like for lunch. Bush leans over with a wry look and says,"I'd like a quickie please." Completely offended, the woman goes off on an obscenity laced tirade..sceaming about how she thought moral indecency left with the Clinton administration. Dick Cheney then turns to Bush and says,"Georgie...its pronounced Quiche!!!!"

 

[doctor_insanus]

Bwa ha ha!

 

[doctor_insanus]

Three construction workers are taking their lunch break. The first one opens his lunchpail and smiles.

"Tuna salad! Boy, do I love tuna salad!" He begins eating. The second worker opens his pail and smiles.

"Ham and cheese! God, I love ham and cheese!" He, too, begins eating. The third man opens his lunch and frowns.

"Bologna! Jesus Christ, I fuckin' hate bologna!" He stands up. "If I have to eat one more fuckin' bologna sandwich, I'm just gonna jump off the goddamn building and end it all!"

The next day, the three men break for lunch. The first man opens his and smiles.

"Pastrami! Mmmmm, I just love pastrami!" He begins eating. The next man opens his and smiles.

"Egg salad! Delicious!" He tears into it. The third man opens his lunch and frowns again.

"Fuck! Bologna! Every day, it's goddamn bologna! That's IT! I can't take it anymore!" With that, he throws himself off the building and falls to his death.

The first man looks down at him. "Poor guy. That's too bad."

The second man just shakes his head. "Don't feel sorry for that asshole. He packs his own lunch!"

 

[bulld]

Jesus is this funny???

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of

a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.

"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes

the TV. Again, the parrot cries out.

"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little

worried.

"What's your name, birdie?"

"Moses."

"What dummy named you Moses?"

"The same dummy who called his rottweiler Jesus."

 

[Mistress]

LOL, I've heard that one before..I swear I laughed so hard.

 

[bulld]

30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN" - Rated R

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

 

[Mistress]

Laughs! thats needs to be in the sex thread hehe

 

[bulld]

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"

The wife chooses to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?".

[Edited by bulld on 03-25-2001 at 04:46 PM]

 

[Mistress]

LOL!

 

[Canadian Tongue]

Anyone heard of Rodeo sex?

It is when you wait til you're in the middle then tell her that her sister is better in the sack. Then see how long you can hang on.


Saddle up!

Yee haw!

 

[Mistress]

Cracks up laughing and snuggles CT!

 

[bulld]

Logical . . .

Two nuns went out of their convent to sell a bit of religion. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty eight and a half minutes?

SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follows us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down . . .