Collar Girls - feedback / suggestions

[AgentDoiron]

I'm looking for feedback and suggestions on my 'Collar Girls' series.

The most recent entry is:
Collar Girls - Rosie's Bar
https://literotica.com/s/collar-girls-rosies-bar
Category: Science Fiction / Fantasy
My name: Agent Doiron

The collar girls stories started with 'Jessica's Choices'. The intent was to write a story where mind control and pokegirl style capture could be consensual. From there, I ended up writing two more stories, 'Jessica's Decision' and 'Jessica's Ending'.

Now, I have a whole bunch of ideas for stories that could exist in the same world. The intent of Rosie's Bar is to show the different directions the concept can go.

I am interested in feedback on what I've written. I'm also interested in suggestions on story direction. I'll write what inspires me, and politely ignore suggestions that don't interest me.

Thank you in advance.

 

[LucyAnneThorn]

I like the characters and multiple conflicts that emerged in Rosie's Bar, and none of them necessarily is a different direction, just all facets of an intriguing world. Definitely a good base to spin a whole novel from, and I'd love to see all the threads you threw out weave together into a bigger something. They way I see it, you could set Cassie (she's already in the middle of things and has a mentor at hand) on a hero's journey, with a large and it seems mostly female supporting cast that each have their own difficulties. The ideas you mention at the end of the story, like train-the-trainer, elemental evolution etc. can all very well be chapters or subplots in a novel's arc. You already hinted at the antagonist(s), you've got a bunch of mysteries going, now you only need to align the individual arcs, like White Adder's secret and the priestess, Tabby's escape and finding her role under Cassie's tutelage, November Liberty's ascension and sacrifice(?), Rosie making shady deals with carnal involvement to avoid the faithful, and how everything needs to tie together to culminate in the big reveal and final standoff.

 

[AgentDoiron]

I like the characters and multiple conflicts that emerged in Rosie's Bar, and none of them necessarily is a different direction, just all facets of an intriguing world. Definitely a good base to spin a whole novel from, and I'd love to see all the threads you threw out weave together into a bigger something. They way I see it, you could set Cassie (she's already in the middle of things and has a mentor at hand) on a hero's journey, with a large and it seems mostly female supporting cast that each have their own difficulties. The ideas you mention at the end of the story, like train-the-trainer, elemental evolution etc. can all very well be chapters or subplots in a novel's arc. You already hinted at the antagonist(s), you've got a bunch of mysteries going, now you only need to align the individual arcs, like White Adder's secret and the priestess, Tabby's escape and finding her role under Cassie's tutelage, November Liberty's ascension and sacrifice(?), Rosie making shady deals with carnal involvement to avoid the faithful, and how everything needs to tie together to culminate in the big reveal and final standoff.

I'm glad you liked the concept.

I think my intent is to write a few more short stories, flesh out the world, before committing to a novel length project. My question is which aspects of the world are most interesting / need more fleshing out.

Thank you

 

[anjoga24]

I'm looking for feedback and suggestions on my 'Collar Girls' series.

The most recent entry is:
Collar Girls - Rosie's Bar
https://literotica.com/s/collar-girls-rosies-bar
Category: Science Fiction / Fantasy
My name: Agent Doiron

The collar girls stories started with 'Jessica's Choices'. The intent was to write a story where mind control and pokegirl style capture could be consensual. From there, I ended up writing two more stories, 'Jessica's Decision' and 'Jessica's Ending'.

Now, I have a whole bunch of ideas for stories that could exist in the same world. The intent of Rosie's Bar is to show the different directions the concept can go.

I am interested in feedback on what I've written. I'm also interested in suggestions on story direction. I'll write what inspires me, and politely ignore suggestions that don't interest me.

Thank you in advance.

Hi! I really like the setting of this world. I like the idea of a story more classic poke girl. We could follow a trainer starting his journey so we can learn the basics of this World. How do to get the permissions to be a trainer, how do you build a team from scratch, how do you catch your first collar girl, how is the daily life of a trainer, the usual dangers that they face, etc. It could be a short story, maybe slice of life like. Nothing too plot heavy, something small so we can see how is the usual Tuesday of a normal trainer. But as I said, I like the setting so I would read whatever you write lol see ya!

 

[Nightwander]

I'm looking for feedback and suggestions on my 'Collar Girls' series.

You asked for feedback, so here is some!

- You've done a good job meshing slavery and consent, which isn't an easy thing to do. This vision of collar slavery is thoroughly sexual but doesn't entirely eliminate the free agency of the slaves. Interesting!

- The world-building is creative and new. I like that.

- The setting is slightly odd in terms of its time period. We're clearly in the future since life extension is common, everybody's carrying collars with direct brain interfaces that can digitize living creatures, and there are interstellar colonies; yet the trainers are living what seems to be a primitive life, wandering around in the wilderness, digging up herbs to sell at farmer's markets, and getting wounded or killed by wild animals. It feels like you're trying to split the difference between fantasy and sci-fi. That can be done successfully (e.g. Star Wars) but it can also be tricky as your story universe expands.

- Speaking of technology, why do the wristbands have buttons? Clearly these folks have speech recognition technology, since Jessica's collar responds when she verbally demands her release in part 1. It's doubly confusing because all the trainers speak the commands aloud while pressing the button anyway. Presumably that's because you, as the author, felt that spoken dialog flowed better in the story than merely narrating via text which button the trainer had pushed. But in that case, what's the point of having the buttons in the story at all, and constantly describing the trainer pushing them while speaking? Why not just make the wristbands recognize the trainer's spoken commands?

- Love the way you show how Jessica's thinking is impacted whenever she's wearing the collar. You've done a good job of letting the reader see how the collar influences her thinking and making it feel sexy.

- Jessica's first dancing scene in part 2 isn't sensual or enticing enough. The description gives us some of the physical motions, but it spends more time on the martial arts element than the sexy dance element, and finally just tells us (rather than showing us) that the form looks sexy. This is unfortunate because Jessica's ability as a dancer turns out to be important as the story develops. Recommendations to improve the scene: (1) Eliminate the martial arts aspect completely. People with martial arts training know that katas aren't sexy; and since Jessica does not fight in this story, the fact that she knows a martial art isn't relevant. (2) Don't spend so much time narrating the physical motions of the dance -- that doesn't translate well into the reader's mind. Instead describe the dance more sensually and emotionally. (3) Spice up the dancing! Jessica has to look so amazing on the stage that the reader understands how she can become a professional dancer later on.

- Your spelling, punctuation, and grammar are pretty good -- definitely above average -- but there are some issues with consistency. For example: in English, possessives for words ending in 's' can be formed either with an apostrophe or with an apostrophe plus another 's' (e.g. Chris' car or Chris's car) but a work should be internally consistent about it. This story switches back and forth, however. Even in the opening paragraphs, "Iris's rear hoof" slips but then the lynx "landed on Iris' back." Similarly, the story doesn't capitalize the names of specific types of animals like razor lynx or spearhead impala, which is fine... but then why is 'impala' capitalized in the phrase "...the collar around the Impala's neck", and 'lynx' capitalized in the phrase "the Lynx dug in with her hind paws"? It would be better to be consistent.

- Some missing hyphens, like "razor sharp claws" (should be "razor-sharp claws") and "silver haired feline" (silver-haired feline").

- When "Iris's rear hoof slapped on a rock", was that word supposed to be slipped rather than slapped?

- Rosie's bar should be choosing wines based on a collar girl's palate (sense of taste), not her pallet (a wooden platform for loading goods with a forklift).

- Why is the stage in Rosie's bar at one end of the room in part 2, but in one corner of the room in part 3? (Building a stage in a corner seems kind of weird, by the way. Stages are usually positioned for maximum visibility, and a corner is the opposite of that.)

Anyway, good story. Hope this feedback is constructive and useful to you!

 

[darwin1859]

@AgentDoiron, based on the title and tags, I was looking forward to reading Rosie's Bar. But it turns out that this isn't my cup of tea. At all. So, let's call this an outsider's perspective.

I've read steamy sci-fi, but your style reminds me more of classic D&D juvenilia, which made the sexual elements jarring. In an erotic story, I usually look for the erotic elements to be the driving force (or well-integrated), but here it felt like you'd have the same story if you removed all the explicit parts (e.g., trainer girl and hurt guy just cuddled at the end). We heard that mousy girl enjoyed swallowing, that hurt-guy had an erection, trainer girl strips naked, then they fuck, and dancing girl had enflamed "womanhood," but only mousy girl's description seemed erotic. Even worse, that incongruity between a YA-fantasy tone and "wholesome" explicit acts felt very weird. Tags like 'captured,' 'domination,' 'exhibitionism,' 'collar,' 'bdsm,' and 'submission' seemed like a bait-and-switch. I didn't observe anyone being dominated. There were no power dynamics. There was nudity but not exhibitionism. You're using 'collar' and 'captured' in very specific, atypical ways.

You did a good job of world building, which fits well in the sci-fi category and would work fine in a longer work (although it felt baroque in such a short piece), but I didn't understand who Rosie was and why she was a "nexus" for all these plotlines. And why did Rosie need to meet Ash and Misty at the backdoor? And the uncertainty about Rosie and all the plotlines firing in such a short space both affected my acceptance of the story. Finally, I thought the beginning dialog between mousy girl and confident blonde was well-done, convincing, and the best part of the story. I would have started with their conversation and stayed on mousy girl's story, later filling in the details on the bar floorplan and decor.

In my opinion, you write very well and you succeeded in the difficult mission of making a consensual, female-friendly (yet femsub), slavery world based on pokemon. You created strong female characters. Your stories are consistently rated well (Rosie's Bar is 4.55 right now) so clearly there's an audience for this.

I didn't rate the story, but it would have been a 2 or 3; you have good parts, and other parts that are well-written but that I had to force myself to read. Because you don't want people like me wandering in and giving you mediocre ratings, I'd tweak the tags. You also could have scared me away if you had "poke" somewhere in the title or description or tags ("monster girl" did not convey that to me).

 

[AgentDoiron]

You asked for feedback, so here is some!

- You've done a good job meshing slavery and consent, which isn't an easy thing to do. This vision of collar slavery is thoroughly sexual but doesn't entirely eliminate the free agency of the slaves. Interesting!

- The world-building is creative and new. I like that.

- The setting is slightly odd in terms of its time period. We're clearly in the future since life extension is common, everybody's carrying collars with direct brain interfaces that can digitize living creatures, and there are interstellar colonies; yet the trainers are living what seems to be a primitive life, wandering around in the wilderness, digging up herbs to sell at farmer's markets, and getting wounded or killed by wild animals. It feels like you're trying to split the difference between fantasy and sci-fi. That can be done successfully (e.g. Star Wars) but it can also be tricky as your story universe expands.

- Speaking of technology, why do the wristbands have buttons? Clearly these folks have speech recognition technology, since Jessica's collar responds when she verbally demands her release in part 1. It's doubly confusing because all the trainers speak the commands aloud while pressing the button anyway. Presumably that's because you, as the author, felt that spoken dialog flowed better in the story than merely narrating via text which button the trainer had pushed. But in that case, what's the point of having the buttons in the story at all, and constantly describing the trainer pushing them while speaking? Why not just make the wristbands recognize the trainer's spoken commands?

- Love the way you show how Jessica's thinking is impacted whenever she's wearing the collar. You've done a good job of letting the reader see how the collar influences her thinking and making it feel sexy.

- Jessica's first dancing scene in part 2 isn't sensual or enticing enough. The description gives us some of the physical motions, but it spends more time on the martial arts element than the sexy dance element, and finally just tells us (rather than showing us) that the form looks sexy. This is unfortunate because Jessica's ability as a dancer turns out to be important as the story develops. Recommendations to improve the scene: (1) Eliminate the martial arts aspect completely. People with martial arts training know that katas aren't sexy; and since Jessica does not fight in this story, the fact that she knows a martial art isn't relevant. (2) Don't spend so much time narrating the physical motions of the dance -- that doesn't translate well into the reader's mind. Instead describe the dance more sensually and emotionally. (3) Spice up the dancing! Jessica has to look so amazing on the stage that the reader understands how she can become a professional dancer later on.

- Your spelling, punctuation, and grammar are pretty good -- definitely above average -- but there are some issues with consistency. For example: in English, possessives for words ending in 's' can be formed either with an apostrophe or with an apostrophe plus another 's' (e.g. Chris' car or Chris's car) but a work should be internally consistent about it. This story switches back and forth, however. Even in the opening paragraphs, "Iris's rear hoof" slips but then the lynx "landed on Iris' back." Similarly, the story doesn't capitalize the names of specific types of animals like razor lynx or spearhead impala, which is fine... but then why is 'impala' capitalized in the phrase "...the collar around the Impala's neck", and 'lynx' capitalized in the phrase "the Lynx dug in with her hind paws"? It would be better to be consistent.

- Some missing hyphens, like "razor sharp claws" (should be "razor-sharp claws") and "silver haired feline" (silver-haired feline").

- When "Iris's rear hoof slapped on a rock", was that word supposed to be slipped rather than slapped?

- Rosie's bar should be choosing wines based on a collar girl's palate (sense of taste), not her pallet (a wooden platform for loading goods with a forklift).

- Why is the stage in Rosie's bar at one end of the room in part 2, but in one corner of the room in part 3? (Building a stage in a corner seems kind of weird, by the way. Stages are usually positioned for maximum visibility, and a corner is the opposite of that.)

Anyway, good story. Hope this feedback is constructive and useful to you!

Thank you for your feedback and kind words. I'm embarrassed to say that you've caught a few typos/editing errors. I read my work over and over in the editing stage, but mistakes still manage to sneak through (palate/pallet, slipped/slapped, hyphens, apostrophes, and capitalization). I'll check to see if Literotica allows editing after publication.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I'll check to see if Literotica allows editing after publication.

You have to submit the edited content as if it were a new story, same title plus the word EDIT.

Edits are low priority for the site, they can take 2 - 3 weeks. Unless you're errors are diabolical, it's not usually worth the bother. The moral of the tale is to submit the best possible copy, the first time.

 

[NorthBayDom]

@darwin1859 has called out something significant, I think; though perhaps they're ignorant of the background.

This is clearly a re-glossed version of the "Pokemon" universe. The "trainers" who wander the countryside are very clearly dressed/equipped as per "Pokemon" (as is the habit of "wandering the countryside, foraging/etc"); and the whole capture/storage, deploying with "<Name> I choose you" is 100% Pokemon styling.

So the "YA" elements are I think very intentional (and, to be clear: plenty of YA novels in mainstream publishing do indeed get steamy, even "spicy"! That is "young ADULT" after all -- the age of peak horniness!)

Overall, I like these. The stories are fun, sometimes humorous.