Confused about my Husband-Help pls!

[KinkyVinyl]

Bailadora, you were the first person to reply to this in the first instance and, you may hang me for saying this but, had you said what you just said in this post I think that it may have turned out slightly different.

Admittedly we were all given very little facts about this particular situation, but 'sexual assault' and 'get out of the house' were all a little on the assumption side of things rather than a softer approach as you've last posted. I personally feel that IcedHeart has read our responses and run for the hills.

I'm sure we all hope that therapy can be sought from their problems but men are a strange species and find it continually difficult to express their 'likings' - IcedHeart is the one who came on here to ask the question but I wonder how it would have been received if the husband had come on here and posted or questioned his side of things?

I'm not in any way being antagonistic ... I was just alarmed at such a black & white response, but even more so at IcedHeart disappearing so quickly after reading the responses.

 

[bailadora]

Bailadora, you were the first person to reply to this in the first instance and, you may hang me for saying this but, had you said what you just said in this post I think that it may have turned out slightly different.

Admittedly we were all given very little facts about this particular situation, but 'sexual assault' and 'get out of the house' were all a little on the assumption side of things rather than a softer approach as you've last posted. I personally feel that IcedHeart has read our responses and run for the hills.

I'm sure we all hope that therapy can be sought from their problems but men are a strange species and find it continually difficult to express their 'likings' - IcedHeart is the one who came on here to ask the question but I wonder how it would have been received if the husband had come on here and posted or questioned his side of things?

I'm not in any way being antagonistic ... I was just alarmed at such a black & white response, but even more so at IcedHeart disappearing so quickly after reading the responses.

You're certainly entitled to your opinion, KV and I'll not fault you for questioning my own, so no need to fear a noose.

While I do sincerely hope that Heart and her husband can work things out, I still stand by what I wrote in my first response. As written, it sure as hell sounds as if her husband is taking advantage of her when she is not in a coherent enough state of mind to say yea or nay. You may or may not agree, but that DOES fit the very definition of sexual assault, regardless of marital status.

I can only write from my own perspective and my own experiences. At different points, I've been on meds for anxiety, inclusive of prescription sleeping pills because I either could not fall asleep or could not remain asleep. And I can tell you that when they took effect, I wasn't in a proper frame of mind to make decisions about ANYTHING. From that perspective, I have to highly question the intention of someone who initiates and continues sex while their partner is in such a fogged state of mind. I, personally, would not feel safe staying under the same roof with someone who did that to me and further, someone who refused to talk to me when I brought up my discomfort/reservations about the whole situation.

I'm all for saving marriages when possible, but not at the expense of someone's physical safety and I honestly and truly perceived Heart to be in such danger.

In closing, I'll just say that Heart, if you are still reading - you don't owe anyone here any explanations. Those who've responded can only give you the best advice they can, based upon their perception of what you've written. Some of it may be spot on, but then again, some of it may be totally off in left field (and I include myself in that). Only you know what's truly going on and only you can decide which course of action is right for you. I don't think I'd be totally off base in saying that all who've responded to you in a sincere manner truly wish you the best.

ETA: KV, to your point of how the husband would have been perceived. That's difficult to say, but I think that there's a pretty good chance he would have said something along the lines of "I'm into {insert kink here}; how do I get/convince/make my wife want to participate." Goodness knows I've seen umpteen similar threads on HT during my time here at Lit. And the general consensus is usually the same : Talk to your SO. See what you can do to mitigate their fears/concerns/hesitations. But in the end, if he or she doesn't want to participate, then no means no. Live with it or leave the relationship. Proceeding/engaging without the other partner's fully informed and clearly expressed consent is not kosher. People who demonstrate such callous disregard for their partners usually receive heavy censure from the majority of the regulars who post here.

 

[RuReal]

You're certainly entitled to your opinion, KV and I'll not fault you for questioning my own, so no need to fear a noose.

While I do sincerely hope that Heart and her husband can work things out, I still stand by what I wrote in my first response. As written, it sure as hell sounds as if her husband is taking advantage of her when she is not in a coherent enough state of mind to say yea or nay. You may or may not agree, but that DOES fit the very definition of sexual assault, regardless of marital status.

I can only write from my own perspective and my own experiences. At different points, I've been on meds for anxiety, inclusive of prescription sleeping pills because I either could not fall asleep or could not remain asleep. And I can tell you that when they took effect, I wasn't in a proper frame of mind to make decisions about ANYTHING. From that perspective, I have to highly question the intention of someone who initiates and continues sex while their partner is in such a fogged state of mind. I, personally, would not feel safe staying under the same roof with someone who did that to me and further, someone who refused to talk to me when I brought up my discomfort/reservations about the whole situation.

I'm all for saving marriages when possible, but not at the expense of someone's physical safety and I honestly and truly perceived Heart to be in such danger.

In closing, I'll just say that Heart, if you are still reading - you don't owe anyone here any explanations. Those who've responded can only give you the best advice they can, based upon their perception of what you've written. Some of it may be spot on, but then again, some of it may be totally off in left field (and I include myself in that). Only you know what's truly going on and only you can decide which course of action is right for you. I don't think I'd be totally off base in saying that all who've responded to you in a sincere manner truly wish you the best.

ETA: KV, to your point of how the husband would have been perceived. That's difficult to say, but I think that there's a pretty good chance he would have said something along the lines of "I'm into {insert kink here}; how do I get/convince/make my wife want to participate." Goodness knows I've seen umpteen similar threads on HT during my time here at Lit. And the general consensus is usually the same : Talk to your SO. See what you can do to mitigate their fears/concerns/hesitations. But in the end, if he or she doesn't want to participate, then no means no. Live with it or leave the relationship. Proceeding/engaging without the other partner's fully informed and clearly expressed consent is not kosher. People who demonstrate such callous disregard for their partners usually receive heavy censure from the majority of the regulars who post here.

Like I said painted by your own negative experience and knowledge. I am sorry you have had to go through what sounds like a very bad situation, but you should not take your bad situation and limited knowledge and paint other peoples relationships. This would also be why I did not take my limited knowledge and personal experiences and give her advice instead I suggested professional help.

I do not know everything that is going on in her relationship, and I really don't have a proper sense of who the people are and the impact the activity is fully having on her. I cannot tell her to run for the hills I also cannot tell her to hang in there, but I can suggest she find someone that can help her decide for herself.

Just my two bits.

 

[silverwhisper]

KV quoth:
bailadora...had you said what you just said in this post I think that it may have turned out slightly different.

no, it really wouldn't have. what was redacted out of the original post made quite clear that the icedheart was being raped. repeatedly.

KV quoth:
i personally feel that icedheart has read our responses and run for the hills.

i agree that she has. i am forced to conclude that this is because most abused women, sadly, have to go a very long way before recognizing that they're being abused.

KV quoth:
i'm sure we all hope that therapy can be sought from their problems but men are a strange species and find it continually difficult to express their 'likings' - icedheart is the one who came on here to ask the question but i wonder how it would have been received if the husband had come on here and posted or questioned his side of things?

as a man, i can tell you exactly how it would have gone down, since those of us who've been her a while all know it quite well.

the man says that he likes sex with his wife when she's unconscious. every poster except for the leg humpers tell the OP that he's engaged in rape. and nobody plays the role of white knight trying to find the best possible interpretation of what's been said--which happens to be in direct conflict with the stated facts.

quite honestly, i don't understand what you're saying in this thread. someone unconscious cannot give consent--definitionally. and those were icedheart's words--nobody else's.

on how to, we don't just blow sunshine up people's asses: we tell people what we think, especially when someone specifically asks for input.

it just may not be the desired input.

so KV, how would you interpret a partner initiating sex with an unconscious partner repeatedly even when told that it hurts? the information provided did not include any context suggesting this was previously agreed-upon. i'm very curious about your interpretation.

ed

 

[KinkyVinyl]

Hi ed

My interpretation counts for nothing as this is a forum not a classroom.

My contribution to the discussion was merely to voice my opinion as to the initial way it was handled. I am not a 'speak first, engage brain' later kind of girl and Bailadora's initial response, I feel, was slightly insensitive whereas her second response was softer.

I completely agree that there sounds like there is something wrong in Hearts relationship and she did ask for opinions but who are we to denote that it's sexual assault or rape? A mere 'seek professional help' would have sufficed.

I also realise that as a 'newbie' I am going to be recognised as the girl who has just come on here and started picking holes at people but let me assure you that's not the case at all. Regardless of the amount of posts I have under my name, my opinion would remain the same.

Bailadora - where did you hide that noose?

 

[Noor]

Hi ed

My interpretation counts for nothing as this is a forum not a classroom.

My contribution to the discussion was merely to voice my opinion as to the initial way it was handled. I am not a 'speak first, engage brain' later kind of girl and Bailadora's initial response, I feel, was slightly insensitive whereas her second response was softer.

I completely agree that there sounds like there is something wrong in Hearts relationship and she did ask for opinions but who are we to denote that it's sexual assault or rape? A mere 'seek professional help' would have sufficed.

I also realise that as a 'newbie' I am going to be recognised as the girl who has just come on here and started picking holes at people but let me assure you that's not the case at all. Regardless of the amount of posts I have under my name, my opinion would remain the same.

Bailadora - where did you hide that noose?

Wow! Something wrong? Are you her husband in disguise or something?
We are telling it like we see it, she isn't consenting, she is being hurt-how is this not assault?

Coming on a porn board to ask questions of people who are obviously not silent about sex and then not expect an honest direct opinion is insane.
Given my experience on these boards and in life, people usually only post the tip of the iceberg in such manners, and even if this is just the beginning of abuse, its best to nip it in the bud.
Therapists- first find one who can deal with these things, its not easy, second if the poster can't stay around and rationally talk about the answers generated by her post when she is anonymous , then how will she do dealing with therapy where she is not?

Newbie or not, I have you down as naive possibly dangerously so. I hope you never are in a situation where that will be a problem for you.

 

[RuReal]

I find it funny how people tend to attack things they do not understand and see things how they choose to. It also seems that there is some personal issue between at least two of the posters on here. That all being said it is interesting how people are quick to pull out the fact that he is a sick person and is assaulting his wife.

I can tell you in all honesty that some things I have done with my wife hurts her. I can also tell you that if I wanted to I could take her while she is sleeping. We have a very good relationship in which we communicate. I tend to find that in a great many places people do not promote open sexual discussions even between married couples.

What she has done is come online and asked a question about how to approach a subject with her husband. Welcome to communication issues yet again. If she has communicated with him that was he has done in unacceptable and then he crossed the line then yes you are talking about assault.

It is funny how societies views has a hard time finding a happy medium. We seem to either tolerate really negative behavior and then we swap to the other side and and paint things in such a negative light that nothing is open for discussion. Black and white views on the world suck.

 

[Noor]

I find it funny how people tend to attack things they do not understand and see things how they choose to. It also seems that there is some personal issue between at least two of the posters on here. That all being said it is interesting how people are quick to pull out the fact that he is a sick person and is assaulting his wife.

I can tell you in all honesty that some things I have done with my wife hurts her. I can also tell you that if I wanted to I could take her while she is sleeping. We have a very good relationship in which we communicate. I tend to find that in a great many places people do not promote open sexual discussions even between married couples.

What she has done is come online and asked a question about how to approach a subject with her husband. Welcome to communication issues yet again. If she has communicated with him that was he has done in unacceptable and then he crossed the line then yes you are talking about assault.

It is funny how societies views has a hard time finding a happy medium. We seem to either tolerate really negative behavior and then we swap to the other side and and paint things in such a negative light that nothing is open for discussion. Black and white views on the world suck.

I think this was the part that brought out the red flags:

"sometimes it hurts-and even though I tell him it doesn't change anything."

 

[KinkyVinyl]

Noor ... I don't tend to go in for all this quote/unquote stuff whilst writing a reply but does this make me, in your opinion, thick, ignorant or lazy? I tend to think it would.

Not that this makes any difference to your opinion of me or my response but I am a 42 year old female with 2 grown daughters. I am married, happily so and have been for the last 16 years, I have worked in the sex industry for 20 years and run my own business, plus I have counselled victims of abuse and addictions for the last 13 years. I am in no way naive and certainly not dangerously so.

Your reaction to what I pointed out, i.e. 'being slightly more sensitive' is to jump down my throat and for what? I am entitled to my opinion as you are yours but that doesn't make the wrong person.

There are two sides to every story and we only received one side which I agreed from the very start was alarming to read but what alarmed me more was the dramatic responses when a little more care could have been taken.

None of us know what IcedHeart expected to read when she posted the question and whilst I don't believe in sugaring the pill, I do believe in a 'softer' approach when such sensitive subjects are brought up/asked.

Like I said, it wasn't my intention to come on here and pick holes, I say it how I see it but then you'd understand that?

 

[fire_breeze]

What bothered a lot of posters, I believe, is this paragraph:

The problem is that recently, I started taking sleeping pills because I have so much anxiety I cannot sleep, and I have nightmares, and on top of all of that I am several times a night to walk around/check kids/go to the bathroom/etc. Now that I have started taking theses pills he waits for me to fall asleep to have sex with me. I don't usually mind because I will wake up but sometimes it hurts-and even though I tell him it doesn't change anything.

The OP's husband waits for the OP to fall asleep, heavy on drugs, in order to have sex with her. This was not, as the post strongly indicates, something that has been established as okay. Actually, in her post, she implies that this is something new, that despite discussing with him otherwise, he continues to do this.
She has communicated to her husband that it hurts, that this behaviour is unacceptable:

We have talked about it but he never answers me. Maybe he isn't proud of it but, I need an answer as to "why". I have been doing all I can to understand this but I just can't because he won't explain anything to me.

He is not giving her an answer why he is doing this.

Additionally, her post also suggests that this is the only way they have been having sex recently:

I have also noticed that when I am the one to initiate sex or position he either starts losing his hard-on or (in the event I want to have sex) he won't even get hard.

and

This happened last night, everything was fine, he even carried me to the bedroom (which he never does!) and laid me down. When I slowly moved him into the position I wanted it was like he just lost it. I ended up in the shower crying quietly to myself wondering why I am not good enough.

It's the fact that the OP's husband waits for her to be knocked out and then proceeds to have sex AND that he continues to do so in spite of conversation otherwise indicates danger, sexual assault and just plain wrong. Nothing in the original post is mentioned that they have a previous understanding or that she enjoys this, in fact, everything is to the contrary. She is made to feel that she is not good enough, that she cannot satisfy him.

It's these parts that raised many red flags. If this was a agreed upon aspect of the relationship, that would be a different ball-game altogether. Instead, this indicates that they are NOT in power-dynamic relationship and that the OP is being used in a way that she does not like or wants to be.

Remember, she's knocked out. He waits for her to be so before proceeding to having sex with her.

 

[KinkyVinyl]

She mentions an ongoing anxiety problem, nightmares, fitful sleep ... she mentions hurt (there is no explanation as to whether this is mental hurt or physical hurt), does she feel hurt that he has sex with her when she is less anxious? ... she doesn't mention saying No. She actually says she 'sometimes doesn't mind' ... it's all a little unclear? Hence my surprise at a response so 'apparently' clear.

 

[bailadora]

Like I said painted by your own negative experience and knowledge. I am sorry you have had to go through what sounds like a very bad situation, but you should not take your bad situation and limited knowledge and paint other peoples relationships.

My experience with sleeping pills is not a singular to one person. By their very nature, sleeping pills are sedatives and it's well documented medical fact that sedatives can impair one's judgement. Further, impaired judgment/confusion is on the list of side affects of all the popularly prescribed sleeping pills.

I can tell you in all honesty that some things I have done with my wife hurts her. I can also tell you that if I wanted to I could take her while she is sleeping. We have a very good relationship in which we communicate.

And good for you! And I mean that with all sincerity. I may come across as a total rube, but I spent a few years in my local scene, so I'm fully aware there are other dynamics out there wherein people are able to conduct satisfying, healthy and happy relationships contrary to societal "norm." But I also know that one of the key tenets to making such a relationship work is consent (even in cases of consensual non consent). Nothing written by Heart suggests she gave fully informed, express consent for her husband to treat her the way he was treating her.

If I were the only one beating this drum, maybe I could see the criticism of what I wrote. But that others who's "voices" I know well, who I respect, and who totally wouldn't hesitate to call bullshit on me if I were out in la la land also saw what I did tells me that my reading comp skills haven't yet gone to hell in a hand basket.

I've explained the reasoning behind why I wrote what I did and I don't retract a single word. I think it's pretty clear that some don't agree with me and that's ok, too. I respect your right to your opinion, even if I think you're wrong.

And at that I'm going to bow out of this discussion 'cause I don't see the point in continuing to debate it. I'm not going to change my mind and I sincerely doubt anything else I could say is going to change yours.

So...see ya in another thread, peeps!

 

[silverwhisper]

KV quoth:
hi ed

my interpretation counts for nothing as this is a forum not a classroom.

don't be so modest. i've been participating in online discussions for over a decade now. suggesting that a discussions somehow deprives any person of their native insight or perception is to me a strange starting point, but if you choose to disallow yourself of that resource, please don't start suggesting that everyone else should similarly disadvantage themselves.

just as in any conversation, you bring to the table your experiences and insights. i'm completely failing to grasp why this should somehow not be relevant in an online discussion. is it just that it's online vs. face to face? as i said: i find that a strange starting point.

KV quoth:
my contribution to the discussion was merely to voice my opinion as to the initial way it was handled. i am not a 'speak first, engage brain' later kind of girl and bailadora's initial response, i feel, was slightly insensitive whereas her second response was softer.

i completely agree that there sounds like there is something wrong in hearts relationship and she did ask for opinions but who are we to denote that it's sexual assault or rape? a mere 'seek professional help' would have sufficed.

despite the nature of our particular exchange right now, i'm a fairly diplomatic fellow, KV. but i'm also not one to allow possible marital rape to go unnoted. i firmly believe that allowing that to go unnoted is in fact directly contributing to allowing a possible threat to that person.

you may have noticed that discussion forums tend to be full of opinionated people. i can own that, because forums, by their nature, tend to attract opinionated people.

now as to your statement re: who are we to to denote [x]--that's just plain goofy, KV. the facts of the situation were clearly stated. you might as well ask who are we to say the sky is blue or water is wet. the definition of rape includes sexual activity with a person who is not giving informed consent.

given what you say of your background, your stance in this discussion is quite surprising.

KV quoth:
i also realise that as a 'newbie' i am going to be recognised as the girl who has just come on here and started picking holes at people but let me assure you that's not the case at all. regardless of the amount of posts i have under my name, my opinion would remain the same.

that's quite all right. despite the fact that we are in disagreement, i generally consider myself to be fairly meritocratic. i don't categorize forum personalities as "generally agrees with me" or "generally disagrees with me" camps: that's pretty useless. i enjoy conversation: it's why i spend time here. and even if i did make such pointless categorizations, a handful of posts in a single thread are hardly a useful sampling whereby to make such a determination.

KV quoth:
none of us know what icedheart expected to read when she posted the question and whilst i don't believe in sugaring the pill, i do believe in a 'softer' approach when such sensitive subjects are brought up/asked.

if your contention is that in a counseling environment a different approach is more productive, that's just fine, although it does make me wish you'd led with that. as i said earlier, your insights & perceptions are certainly important and especially if you have relevant experience with the subject at hand.

KV quoth:
she mentions an ongoing anxiety problem, nightmares, fitful sleep ... she mentions hurt (there is no explanation as to whether this is mental hurt or physical hurt), does she feel hurt that he has sex with her when she is less anxious? ... she doesn't mention saying no. she actually says she 'sometimes doesn't mind' ... it's all a little unclear? hence my surprise at a response so 'apparently' clear.

i'm just curious here KV, but how many people that you've counseled have been sexually assaulted by their partners?

ed

 

[blulilacgrl]

despite the nature of our particular exchange right now, i'm a fairly diplomatic fellow, KV. but i'm also not one to allow possible marital rape to go unnoted. i firmly believe that allowing that to go unnoted is in fact directly contributing to allowing a possible threat to that person.

<snipped>

now as to your statement re: who are we to to denote [x]--that's just plain goofy, KV. the facts of the situation were clearly stated. you might as well ask who are we to say the sky is blue or water is wet. the definition of rape includes sexual activity with a person who is not giving informed consent.


<snipped>

ed

Silverwhisper~ The one issue I have with what you say is that I felt her words were vague. I am assuming you are discussing this sentence.


Now that I have started taking theses pills he waits for me to fall asleep to have sex with me. I don't usually mind because I will wake up but sometimes it hurts-and even though I tell him it doesn't change anything.


Okay it's the usually and the don't mind and the sometimes. that leave much of what she says open for interpretation.

Is she being raped? possibly

Or is she okay with him having sex with her while she is asleep except for those times when he hurts her? possibly

Why is she being hurt? Is it because he is rough? Or is it because she is not sufficiently lubricated?

The other thing while red flaggish is also somewhat open for interpretation. Why won't he talk about what is going on? Is it because he is an abusive controlling husband? possibly. Or could it be that he is embarrassed and he doesn't even know exactly why is does it nor why he cannot maintain an erection when she actively participates? again possibly

These are certainly different ways to interpret her post. And I will be honest, her sticking around to explain would have been helpful and I think beneficial to her.

But, and here is the thing that most worries me, if you are supposing that she is being sexually assaulted and raped by her husband. The "leave him" and the "get the hell out of there" statements are exactly what a lot of domestic violence programs will counsel one not to say as the abused person can take them as judgmental (yes I know that is never anybody's intent but often women who are abused have been conditioned to accept responsibility for more than they should ever have to).

Here are some ways to help a friend who is being abused:

• Set up a time to talk. Try to make sure you have privacy and won't be distracted or interrupted.
  
• Let your friend know you're concerned about her safety. Be honest. Tell her about times when you were worried about her. Help her see that what she's going through is not right. Let her know you want to help.
• Be supportive. Listen to your friend. Keep in mind that it may be very hard for her to talk about the abuse. Tell her that she is not alone, and that people want to help.
  
• Offer specific help. You might say you are willing to just listen, to help her with childcare, or to provide transportation, for example.
  
• Don't place shame, blame, or guilt on your friend. Don't say, "You just need to leave." Instead, say something like, "I get scared thinking about what might happen to you." Tell her you understand that her situation is very difficult.
  
• Help her make a safety plan. Safety planning includes picking a place to go and packing important items.
  
• Encourage your friend to talk to someone who can help. Offer to help her find a local domestic violence agency. Offer to go with her to the agency, the police, or court.
  
• If your friend decides to stay, continue to be supportive. Your friend may decide to stay in the relationship, or she may leave and then go back many times. It may be hard for you to understand, but people stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. Be supportive, no matter what your friend decides to do.
  
• Encourage your friend to do things outside of the relationship. It's important for her to see friends and family.
  
• If your friend decides to leave, continue to offer support. Even though the relationship was abusive, she may feel sad and lonely once it is over. She also may need help getting services from agencies or community groups.
  
• Keep in mind that you can't "rescue" your friend. She has to be the one to decide it's time to get help. Support her no matter what her decision.
  
• Let your friend know that you will always be there no matter what.

http://womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/get-help-for-violence/how-to-help-a-friend-who-is-being-abused.cfm



Now granted there are only so many things we can do from this virtual medium. But one of the things we can do is choose our words carefully. So I hope that this information helps someone to talk to a friend, coworker, family member or even a stranger online should the need ever arise.

 

[KinkyVinyl]

As much as I would like to go over everything that has been said with a fine tooth comb, I will also be bowing out of this particular thread. My point of view was made and Bailadora (whom it was made to), accepted my words and made no bones or pickings with what she read, she remains of her opinion and I of mine, so all good. IcedHeart's post IS/WAS unclear and my training as a counsellor recognised that. I have dealt with all manner of scenarios and it can take a lot longer than a couple of 'seemingly' factual statements to make a clear assessment.

Take care

 

[silverwhisper]

KV quoth:
as much as i would like to go over everything that has been said with a fine tooth comb, i will also be bowing out of this particular thread. my point of view was made and bailadora (whom it was made to), accepted my words and made no bones or pickings with what she read, she remains of her opinion and i of mine, so all good.

fair enough, KV.

KV quoth:
icedheart's post is/was unclear and my training as a counsellor recognised that. i have dealt with all manner of scenarios and it can take a lot longer than a couple of 'seemingly' factual statements to make a clear assessment.

take care

well, while you and i are obviously in disagreement, perhaps we'll have the opportunity down the road to discuss our differences of opinion. be well, KV. no rancor was ever intended.

blu quoth:
i am assuming you are discussing this sentence.

hi blu, yes, that's fair to say.

blu quoth:
why is she being hurt? is it because he is rough? or is it because she is not sufficiently lubricated?

while i'll admit the pedantic fucker in me wants to drill down into this more, it isn't very productive considering that icedheart has apparently regretted her post.

blu quoth:
the other thing while red flaggish is also somewhat open for interpretation. why won't he talk about what is going on? is it because he is an abusive controlling husband? possibly. or could it be that he is embarrassed and he doesn't even know exactly why is does it nor why he cannot maintain an erection when she actively participates? again possibly

these are certainly different ways to interpret her post. and i will be honest, her sticking around to explain would have been helpful and i think beneficial to her.

but, and here is the thing that most worries me, if you are supposing that she is being sexually assaulted and raped by her husband. the "leave him" and the "get the hell out of there" statements are exactly what a lot of domestic violence programs will counsel one not to say as the abused person can take them as judgmental (yes i know that is never anybody's intent but often women who are abused have been conditioned to accept responsibility for more than they should ever have to).

you know, that's fair and honestly, that isn't something i considered. so if i have erred, for whatever it may be worth i regret what i said--in that it may indeed have had the opposite effect of what i would have desired.

thank you, blu, i appreciate your having explained your thinking on this at length. and for what it's worth, i also apologize to you KV if you're still reading as i can understand how, coming at this from a very different perspective than me, may have become very concerned.

when you come right down to it, it angers me so when women are maltreated in relationships. my method of proceeding however, that's something i will consider more carefully going forward.

again: thank you, blu.

blu quoth:
now granted there are only so many things we can do from this virtual medium. but one of the things we can do is choose our words carefully. so i hope that this information helps someone to talk to a friend, coworker, family member or even a stranger online should the need ever arise.

well done, blu. :>

ed

 

[KinkyVinyl]

Yes, still reading, nature of the beast

I didn't leave this thread with a bad taste in my mouth at all, from anything said It's good discussing all aspects of opinions. I don't think any of us will agree nor disagree on this certain post because it was a grey area in the first place with vague explanations of the problem. Nice to have interesting arguments

 

[silverwhisper]

thanks KV, i look forward to your contributions in future discussions. i also appreciate your being gracious. :>

ed

 

[KinkyVinyl]

look forward to that too

 

[RuReal]

Good to see that a difference of opinion can end without people being brutal to each other. We disagree and I suspect that has happened because we do not have enough facts. Many of us have different views on the world. I hope the OP has kept reading, but I doubt it.