Confused in Paradise

[shadow_dreamer]

I've been involved in a relationship for quite some time and sad to say sex is not a part of it. Only once or twice did we make out. He's stated he's given it (sex) up but openly says he masturbates.

My problem is I've told him how I feel, do whatever I can, and tell him how much I want him but nothing works. He claims he's afraid I may not be satisfied and I disagree. I know there's more to a relationship than sex but it's a part I feel that is shared only by 2 people who are commited to one another. I've tried to talk it out more with him but I just can't get him to open up and talk.

He visits various porn sites, I know he chats (although he says he doesn't do it that often). gets off on these things along with pics he's receiving from, is checking out other women and whatever else he's doing. He knows how I feel about all of this and says he's not playing around.

Am I wrong to feel hurt? To feel as if I'm nothing more than just someone to hang out with, spend the weekend with even though we've talked about future plans together? To have thoughts of leaving him?

I'm beginning to feel as if it's time to move on but yet I really love this guy and know it'll be difficult to find someone like him. He's been there for me and is always there for me when things get bad.

Anyone have any suggestions? Went through this?

 

[Noor]

My gut feeling is there is something he isn’t telling you, maybe he’s confused or doesn’t know. Is he a virgin?
I have had the experience where a guy tells me he has given up something only to find out later that it wasn’t true. I also dated a guy who told me he only had had sex with 3 women, later I found out that he had sex with many more but didn’t count them in his mind because he was not in a relationship with them. And then there is the former president of the USA who did not consider BJs and other non-intercourse sex to be sex, so…. Maybe you can convince him to have some "non sex" sex with you?

As you are obviously not satisfied, I would ask him what he suggests you do about this. Maybe he needs therapy. Maybe he just needs to get used to being touched, do you do any non-sexual touching? I can think of a variety of problems that might make a perfectly decent guy act this way- sexual and/or emotional abuse, premature ejaculation, rape, religious guilt etc… Until you know why it is hard to deal with and even if you do know why he may need therapy beyond a supportive SO.

It is not wrong to feel hurt, you are being rejected sexually by someone who you know cares for you and that hurts, regardless of the reason. I think it is insensitive of this guy not to realize this. Maybe you need a lover. What kind of future are you talking about? Marriage?
I f so I would not get any closer to that future until you resolve this completely, I know too many people who have found themselves in sexless marriages even though the signals were clearly given before.

 

[Etoile]

I don't think you're wrong at all to consider leaving him. If you have made your feelings so explictly known and he still continues to show no regard for them, something is wrong with the relationship. Warn him first - don't just say "you never have sex with me, so I'm leaving you," but do let him know that is a possibility. You will ultimately be happier with someone who is a friend and a lover - and there's no reason you shouldn't keep him as a friend (he sounds like he makes a great friend), but let him know that there's no future plan for togetherness if he continues to ignore you.

 

[dollface007]

I'm not usually this decisive when the situation it comes to people i don't know, but i'll say this anyway:
Dump this guy!
Physical contact between a man and a woman in a romantic relationship should not be this hard to come by. Either he's not listening to you, or he is and for whatever reason cannot meet your very basic needs. Accept that this guy wants to be your friend at best and move on to a guy who will appreciate how wonderful you are to hold and to kiss and to make love to. You deserve that much!

 

[SexyGiggles]

Perhaps it's just me, but it doesn't sound like he's telling the whole truth...I think he's hiding something...

He may be embarassed by something, uneducated about the ways of the sexual world, or just afraid to talk about what's going on. Talk to him, let him know your concerns, and let him know that he needs to be more open in order for this relationship to work...

Good luck!

 

[DuckLover]

In your attempts to discuss the issue with him, have you two ever discussed WHY he "gave up" sex? His reasons could be very informative, paricularly since it appears that he hasn't give up sexual interest. (As evidenced by the porn, sex chats, etc.)

You may want to peruse the thread on mismatched libidos. There was a pretty involved discussion there about what can and may be affecting your partner: https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?threadid=179870

Having been in a similar situation, I empathize with your plight. If you have the option, couples counseling can be very helpful. If it's not an option, you might try a couple exercises that are sometimes used there, such as: Each make a list of the 5 most important characteristics of a healthy romantic relationship; OR each make a list of the 5 things you most value about the other, or about your relationship.

Most of all, understand that there is NOTHING wrong or weird about you for wanting to have a physical, sexual side to a romantic relationship.

I wish you the best of luck!

 

[SexyChele]

Went through something a little bit similar to what you are experiencing. The guy wasn't into porn or chats or anything - at least that I was aware of!

His issues were complex, but they revolved around religion and the inability to fully commit. Religion in that he felt that sex before marriage was something to be avoided. When he did have sexual feelings, he became embarassed and guilty and felt he was letting God down or something. Truthfully, I never did understand it. He also had issues about commiting to another person. He'd had a bad experience (haven't we all?), and it had involved a great deal of who he was being taken from him. Now, without benefit of being able to commit to some one, he simply could not make the decision for marriage. Without marriage he felt he shouldn't be having sex or experiencing any sexual feelings whatsoever. He was frustrated, I was frustrated. We eventually parted, but have remained good friends.

I don't know what your guy's thing is, but it certainly could be that he is simply confused about what he really wants. He might have the same moral code my guy did - actual sex before marriage is a bad thing. However, he might consider "internet sex" as not being the real thing and doesn't have the guilt associated with flesh to flesh experience.

What would I do? I would try to have a serious hear to heart and let him know what it is that you need in the relationship. Be careful that you do not tell him he is deficient in some way. It could be there is no meeting of the minds here. Give him a chance to be honest with you, but also let him know that without some physical interaction you might not see the relationship continuing.

It's a tough position to be in and not one I envy. I wish you luck and hope all works out well for you!

 

[Bobmi357]

His issues were complex, but they revolved around religion and the inability to fully commit. Religion in that he felt that sex before marriage was something to be avoided. When he did have sexual feelings, he became embarassed and guilty and felt he was letting God down or something. Truthfully, I never did understand it. He also had issues about commiting to another person. He'd had a bad experience (haven't we all?), and it had involved a great deal of who he was being taken from him. Now, without benefit of being able to commit to some one, he simply could not make the decision for marriage. Without marriage he felt he shouldn't be having sex or experiencing any sexual feelings whatsoever. He was frustrated, I was frustrated. We eventually parted, but have remained good friends.

Religion has got to be one of the greatest mindfucks of all time. More people are twisted by religion than by anything else.

In the case of the original poster. Its time to lay it on the line. Tell the guy that if he can't put out, he should get out.

While I wouldn't use those words exactly, I would tell him he's hurting the relationship and the relationship cannot continue under these conditions. Be thankful you're not already married to the guy, at least this is one you can walk away from without courts and lawyers.

 

[ntp]

.....

 

[nattiness]

Sad to hear this...

Dear Shadow,

I don't know what to say except to agree with Etoile's advice. Something is strange with his behavior. I hope that it doesn't relate to something really drastic that happened in your BF's past life. I have never been in a situation like this but I would completely try to change if I found someone that I would spend my future with. I guess it all comes down to communication.

Hope you figure it out.

Sincerely,

Nat.

PS> And how's the weather in Hawaii?

 

[dollface007]

I see a lot of people saying the guy must be sneaking around, hiding something, etc, and maybe he is. People are also saying that she should leave him because he's being insensitive by not having sex with her. This raises a bit of a red flag with me --

Whatever the circumstances, and whether or not it's unfortunate, unfair, or mean to say, it *is* possible that he doesn't feel a sexual attraction toward her. Sure, it seems like a strange sort of relationship, but that's a possibility, wouldn't you say?

Claiming a male is insensitive for not having sex with someone to whom he's not attracted strikes me as being not so different from claiming a woman should "put out" for a man she's not attracted to anymore, etc.

It might be possible to force yourself to participate in sex against your true desires, but you can't force yourself to be physically attracted to someone if you're not. Just a thought, and I don't mean to imply anything about either partner's attractiveness in this situation, because I don't know them. Nor am I saying this to be mean to anyone. It truly is a sad situation either way and I hope it can be worked out.

This is sort of the angle i was thinking of, but i didn't know how to say it "nicely." Thanks for putting it out there. The bottom line is that the relationship is not balanced in the physical area, so something has to be done about it.

 

[SexyChele]

I see a lot of people saying the guy must be sneaking around, hiding something, etc, and maybe he is. People are also saying that she should leave him because he's being insensitive by not having sex with her. This raises a bit of a red flag with me --

Whatever the circumstances, and whether or not it's unfortunate, unfair, or mean to say, it *is* possible that he doesn't feel a sexual attraction toward her. Sure, it seems like a strange sort of relationship, but that's a possibility, wouldn't you say?

Claiming a male is insensitive for not having sex with someone to whom he's not attracted strikes me as being not so different from claiming a woman should "put out" for a man she's not attracted to anymore, etc.

It might be possible to force yourself to participate in sex against your true desires, but you can't force yourself to be physically attracted to someone if you're not. Just a thought, and I don't mean to imply anything about either partner's attractiveness in this situation, because I don't know them. Nor am I saying this to be mean to anyone. It truly is a sad situation either way and I hope it can be worked out.

This could, by all means be very true. However, she mentions two things that might give it away. She says the guy has told her he "gave up" sex. I would think a healthy, well-adjusted male could come up with a better excuse than that if he simply were not physically attracted to her.

Also, she makes mention of "future plans". Granted, I don't know what those future plans are, but if they are serious, I would be confused about a man making those kind of plans and has no physical attraction to me.

She says that she has talked to him. Now, wouldn't that provide the perfect opportunity for the "friends" talk? The "I really, really like you, I'll always be there for you, I want to continue to hang out and stuff, but you really are just a friend to me" kind of thing. At least he would be honest with her and allow her to make an informed decision as well as the opportunity to look for some one who is looking for a serious relationship. Unless he just likes keeping her around on a string, knowing she is physically attracted to him, but he isn't to her, but hell, he likes her (platonic) company. Sorry, but that just sounds like a class "A" asshole to me, if that is indeed his game. And if that is true, I wouldn't blame her if she kicked his ass to the curb and went on her way without a backward glance.

It's not that women feel all men must be physically attracted to them, no. But when a woman considers herself to be in a relationship with a man, and he appears to return those feelings, a natural expectation is that he will be physically attracted to her. Now, some men do have a certain moral code they live by, and that's fine. As long as they woman they are with understands that and can live with it.

Make sense?

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Thanks everyone for your advice. It's good to know I'm not the only one who's gone/going through this. We did have a heart to heart talk and he knows where I'm coming from and visa versa.

It wasn't easy but at least now he knows what a relationship means to me. True a relationship is not all sex but it is a part of it. He was a bit hesitant because of the possiblity I would not be satisifed but now he knows how satisfiying it is for the two of us.

Until next time...Aloha