Cybersex acceptance

[English Lady]

Ok i'm going to swing the other way.

cybersex is NOT cheating. not for me anyway. It is a sexual release,one step up from a wet dream or fantasy and is at the end of the day masturbation with a little mind manipulation.



Both my husband and I have cyber sex, since we began living together we have both had cyber sex partners.


We keep nothing form each other,we talk about our cyber lives (not in deep detail that would be icky!)

We are not cheating because there is no guilt involved, he is my top priority and vice versa. Both of us will happily drop cyber sex to do something together.

If you feel you are cheating,then you are and you should stop it.

If it feels Ok,and its no secret cyber to your hearts content say I!

 

[Bobmi357]

My wife and I have two totally differing opinions on this topic.

She believes that cybersex is not cheating. And I believe it isn't, but its terribly damaging to a committed relationship.

Lets face it, cybersex, be you male or female, has one purpose. To reach orgasm with the aid of someone else distantly located from you.

I do not cyber, nor does the wife. She doesn't because she thinks its silly. I don't because I think its a form of temptation that is one step short of really cheating.

In the early days of the net you were limited to text based cybering, so you might as well have been masturbating with your keyboard. Kinda boring if you ask me. Now days you have voice and video cybering, which makes the person on the other side far more real than some words on the screen. It also makes it easier IMO to form an emotional connection with that person. And that can really damage your real world relationship.

I'm kinda old fashioned, I need an emotional connection with a woman before I can "perform". I see today's cybering as a possible way of eroding the feelings one has for ones mate. As my wife says "Why should I cyber when I can have the real thing?". Cybering can be especially damaging to a relationship if there are already problems in that relationship.

I think the real answer to cybering here is what you and your SO think. Not some poll or what some religious group may say, but what you as a couple think about the issue.

James, if you have problems with the idea of monogomy, then perhaps you haven't found the right person yet. But your idea of claiming that nature doesn't want us monogomous is based on a stupid idea of saying we're little more than animals. You might like to compare yourself to an animal but until they can create Michangelo's David, Go to the Moon, cure diseases, do math, etc... I'll pass.

 

[Quint]

Monogamy has little to do with civilization and MUCH to do with control

Hmmm, interesting that you view it in a negative light then, O Domly One.

I started my relationship with T by cybersex infidelity. I always thought that it was cheating, although it didn't stop me and I justified it on various levels at the time. I think the main reason why I thought it was cheating was because I knew my boyfriend would have thought it was. I've rarely felt like a monogamous relationship would work for me, either, and so I've abided by my partner's rules in such situations. Well, not so much "abided by," since obviously I broke those rules before. Yeesh, no sense comes from this one tonight.

Brief, babble-free summary: my understanding of cyber as cheating or not is dependent upon what my partner believes.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Everything depends on the relationship, the understanding and/or agreement they have as far as cyber sex. As for me and mine I made it clear I don't appreciate it and should he prefer the computer over me then he can have it because I will not sit idle and wait for my turn.

This is a touchy topic and we all have our own opinions and have gone through different things in a relationship that makes us think and feel the way we do. If we choose to speak up and let our other halves know how it makes us feel and openly discuss things perhaps an agreement could be reached without compromise.

That's my opionion anyway. Aloha from Hawaii folks!

 

[SkyyAngel]

I agree with Shadow Dreamer.

Every couple is different. To some people having a threesome isn't cheating. Or having many partners independent of their spouse isn't cheating. To some....even looking at someone else is cheating. There are many and varied opinions on this stretching from one end of the spectrum to the other.

 

[tendril]

<snip>The idea of ownership, the "mine and mine alone" is sadly unhealthy, IMO
One of the WORST attitudes (love is OWNERSHIP) propgated to support monogamym leading to a lot of jealousy and unhappiness, as well as unrealitic expectations<snip> [/B

You are talking my language !

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Cyber sex, You say?

I believe that cybersex is a safe alternative to actually cheating. But, then again, i am a female who is happiest when involved in a poly-amorous relationship...with everything open and honest between all parties involved. That being said...if You do anything behind your partner's back...without discussing it or involving them in it in some way shape or form...that IS cheating! There is no other word for it. Someone who does not have those same drives as their S/O is going to be extremely hurt if they were to find out about it. (whether it occurs in r/l or on the net makes no difference in this instance)

So...i guess i walk a middle road...i encourage it in my partner(s) as i engage in the practice myself. However, if i were to ever be involved in an one on one relationship and my S/O did not approve, then i would not do it...it would be (and would feel) like cheating to ME. (though since i prefer my serious relationships to include couples...i doubt if that will ever come to pass) Just mu opinion...

PET

 

[Whatsin]

I think the danger of cybersex, or any other intimate interaction/communication between two people, is the danger of that person becoming more important to you than your SO. That is true of any activity not just cybersex. I have seen close platonic friendships destroy SO relationships.

The sexual aspect really depends on the relationship and the agreements between So's. In some relationships it is fine as long as it remains cyber only, others it is not.

I don't have a SO right now and I am not particularly looking for one, I see some guys in RL and I cyber. I am attached to my cybers on various levels, to me they are individual people and one does not replace another. I take it seriously, if I wanted mindless sex with a stranger, there are plenty nearby. I don't cyber with people I don't like on some level, but maybe I am unusual. I have never done chat room sex, it seems rather dull and uninteresting to me. What I want in cyber is pretty much the same as rl, something individual and unique, and hopefully an experience that will knock my socks off

I think were if I in a SO relationship I would not be bothered about my SO cyberring as long as I was getting enough sex, it was not disrupting our relationship, and I was free to cyber as well. I am not particularly monogamous, it is not something that comes automatically to me, there have been some relationships where I was by nature, where I couldn't think of anyone else but that is not usual for me.

I do take commitments very seriously though, the hard part is getting me to commit.

I think if you have an SO you need to be honest about your activities, what is okay and what is not, but that decision is between the two parties and there is no universal right or wrong.

It has been a long strange week for me in the cyber world, and who knows how I may look at this in the future but for now this is where I am and have been since I began cyberring.

There are dangers though of feeling too attracted to someone other than one's SO

 

[PtyLips]

...well my boyfriend was never afraid of it. I thought it was a safe way...and a fun way. It was kind of our agreement, that he was allowed to watch porn (which I so do NOT mind - opposite to be honest) and visit porn sites...and I was allowed to hang out here on the side and enjoy the company.

As fo me..I have to agree to an extend...cybersex could be considered cheating, if you are in a VERY steady relationship and you neglect your partner. But if you are not, and it maybe only turns you on more...hey, why not. You both profit from it than.

I think there is not straight saying..it's cheating or not. Just as so many things in arelationship, it's a grey area...and it needs to be discussed and agreed on.

Hugz
PtyLips

 

[Guest]

...well my boyfriend was never afraid of it. I thought it was a safe way...and a fun way. It was kind of our agreement, that he was allowed to watch porn (which I so do NOT mind - opposite to be honest) and visit porn sites...and I was allowed to hang out here on the side and enjoy the company.

As fo me..I have to agree to an extend...cybersex could be considered cheating, if you are in a VERY steady relationship and you neglect your partner. But if you are not, and it maybe only turns you on more...hey, why not. You both profit from it than.

I think there is not straight saying..it's cheating or not. Just as so many things in arelationship, it's a grey area...and it needs to be discussed and agreed on.

Hugz
PtyLips

I agree here. My wife and I recently begun swinging at a local swingers club, and there they stress over and over communications and rules with your partner. I think the same goes for cybersex. As long as there's rules, and boundaries and both of you follow them, then there shouldn't be a problem.

 

[Mstrskey]

I'll post my .02

at this time my husband and I are going through marital counseling. I feel it is necessary to preface any post on my relationship w/ that...

at any rate, among a host of other problems we are trying to work thru, one of the ones at the top of the list was/is that I accused him of infidelity. This accusation about floored him when I laid it out in therapy, especially since we have had a third sexual partner for some time now and have always been very accepting of the fact that we might on occassion fancy another person sexually. He asked me to explain what in the bloody hell I meant saying he was cheating on me. He was always home, always in bed with me, never out with friends etc etc, so how could he cheat? Well I began rattling off the lists of women he corresponds with on line. Corresponds is a sweet bit of phraseology btw! I rattled off the lists of chat rooms he spends hours upon end in on a daily basis. I began to tick off the times I have walked past the computer and caught glimpses of photos of these women playing with themselves for his benefit or acting out sexual instructions he had sent them. I brought up the pictures/videos I had found of him masturbating for these women in return. Finally I brought up the countless times I had fallen aslep on the sofa not three feet from him while he cybered into the wee hours of the morning with some anonymous woman.

To me this was cheating. Not only because it deprived me of time with him, but also because he took great pains to hide it from me. Even going so far as to create alternate SN I knew nothing about and accounts I was unaware of. There were file folders full of the stuff!! Now I know many men have their own private collections of porn, hell may women do as well, but to me this was above and beyond.

So like Sheath said for me it was depriving me of time with him just as if he were going off somewhere for a tryst. For me it was just as deceptive as him lying about another woman. That to me is cheating. In his mind however ashe had not in actuality engagaed in RL sex with any of these women he did not feel he had cheated, but merely engaged in a healthy outlet for his sexual fantasies. He was unaware of how deeply sucked up in it all he had become.
That is part of why I think it can be unhealthy to a relationship. It's all to easy for many not to realize how deeply vested in these cyber relationships they get. All to easy to chalk up the time spent to fantasy and to in the end neglect the real needs of flesh and blood relationships.

 

[tendril]

There are dangers though of feeling too attracted to someone other than one's SO

It all depends so much on your own circumstances and your SO.

My SO is perfectly confidant that he is the most important man in my life. He also realises he doesn't 'own' me, I am here with him, as I have been for years by my own free choice. He also thinks I'm a little odd and kinky...but then thats me, part of the package.

I can include various people in my life, on various levels. I enjoy the few online friends I have a lot, some I would seriously consider meeting in r/l. My SO and I have talked about this and it's no big deal, maybe it all depends on how confidant your SO feels in his or her relationship ?

 

[DuckLover]

POINTS OF AGREEMENT

I'm seeing a few themes emerging. Allow me to summarize:

1) The definition of "cheating" varies from couple to couple, based on their agreement of what sexually-related activities (from masturbation and porn to cybersex to actually fucking the neighbor) are permitted outside of their one-to-one relationship.

2) Any sexually-related activity not directly involving your primary partner needs to be discussed with, and agreed to by, that person prior to its occurance, though not necessarily on a per-event basis. [i.e. You are (not) allowed to cyber vs. Tonight, you are (not) allowed to cyber]

3) Any sexually-related activity occurring outside the bounds established by #1 and #2 constitutes cheating.

4) Any activity (sexual or not) which takes away an inordinate or detrimental amount of time and/or attention from your primary partner is wrong and should be curtailed. Whether the activity would be defined as cheating or not is irrelevent.

If I have misjudged the thread and any of you substantially disagree with any of these 4 points, please let me know. (I'm practicing my summation skills and would love the feedback!)

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Re: POINTS OF AGREEMENT

I'm seeing a few themes emerging. Allow me to summarize:

1) The definition of "cheating" varies from couple to couple, based on their agreement of what sexually-related activities (from masturbation and porn to cybersex to actually fucking the neighbor) are permitted outside of their one-to-one relationship.

2) Any sexually-related activity not directly involving your primary partner needs to be discussed with, and agreed to by, that person prior to its occurance, though not necessarily on a per-event basis. [i.e. You are (not) allowed to cyber vs. Tonight, you are (not) allowed to cyber]

3) Any sexually-related activity occurring outside the bounds established by #1 and #2 constitutes cheating.

4) Any activity (sexual or not) which takes away an inordinate or detrimental amount of time and/or attention from your primary partner is wrong and should be curtailed. Whether the activity would be defined as cheating or not is irrelevent.

If I have misjudged the thread and any of you substantially disagree with any of these 4 points, please let me know. (I'm practicing my summation skills and would love the feedback!)

I agree with you on this and it all depends upon the couple and what they agree upon. If one does not speak up and let their partner know how they feel or what they think then their is a problem. It took me awhile to say something about it and how I felt and thought but in the end I felt better because he knows and also understands where I come from.

One must not take it for granted it is acceptable for one to do things behind the other's back and hide things. I know I would not put up with it and I made it known also. It boils down to each individual and the couple to set things straight and to be open about it. We can't have our cake and eat it too and expect others to sit back and not have any feelings.

Aloha from Hawaii

 

[Matt Twattingle]

Perhaps ....

Tendril's relationship is the strongest one of all. It's now insulated from a form of cheating. What is more important, she has an outlet.

I believe that Tendril is acutally less likely to have a real life affair.

She does not need one.

Some others who have posted here are so idealistic in terms of their relationsips that they are destined for failure.

Do we have to be doomed to a life of Serial Monagamy?

 

[tendril]

Re: POINTS OF AGREEMENT

If I have misjudged the thread and any of you substantially disagree with any of these 4 points, please let me know. (I'm practicing my summation skills and would love the feedback!)

Your summation skills are well developed, ya did well

 

[English Lady]

I agree with those points ducklover!



It all comes down to communication and understanding between yourself and your partner.


You cannot say cybersex is always good or cybersex is always bad for a relationship. It's something very personal and people are all so very different.

 

[Madame Manga]

A slightly different perspective

My husband doesn't think cyber is the same as RL cheating, so he says he would have no problem with me doing it if I wanted to. But I don't do it, because I think that although it is not the same, it is perilously close.

Years ago, when I discovered chat rooms, I indulged in cyber a few times, so I'm not speaking from total Pollyanna ignorance. Yeah, it was exciting on one level, but also weird, gross and anonymous in a way that I didn't care for at all. I told him about those instances and he simply shrugged--no big deal. He's much grouchier when I spend a lot of time on my writing. ;-)

Those were casual one-off experimentations. Then I ran into someone more attractive, literate and persistent, talked to him a few times, and quickly realized that I should stop. There was no damage to my marriage, but if I were to develop an ongoing relationship with someone online and 'meet' him regularly for cyber--I would be having an affair in my own eyes. The same would apply to my husband, although he is the last person in the world to do something like that. I think it's much too easy to sucker yourself into devoting your time and energy to a relationship that has none of the drawbacks and down time of real life--all sizzle and no steak. I will not run the risk of ruining what I have.

MM

 

[DuckLover]

Re: Re: POINTS OF AGREEMENT

Your summation skills are well developed, ya did well

Thanks!