Dear X,

[Miles Long]

Dear Pants,

Don't come walking back in here expecting things to be like they were before. You're not welcome in this house anymore, and don't even think about asking why. You know what you did.

Sincerely,

Pants Free And Never Happier

 

[Miles Long]

Dear grocery store,

Please train your employees not to pack raw meat with other foods so I don't have to.

Thanks,
Sam and Ella

 

[Eilan]

Dear X,

Things took an interesting turn last night. I think I like it.

Me

 

[Saucyminx]

Dear Jezebel,

I know you are old and tired. I just need you to last one more year, then if you just can't anymore, I will understand. You have been a really fabulous car.

I am a bit put out that you left me sit, especially when it is this freakin cold. I'm a little more put out that you couldn't just make it the last 1/2 mile to the garage, and now will have to be towed tomorrow morning. I'm slightly more put out that you had to die in the middle of the lane, when I was by myself, in a permit parking only zone. That was kind of beyond the pale. No more high octane gas for you missy. I can only imagine how I must have looked pushing you in my high heeled boots. I will check youtube later.

Well at least they can fix that passenger side rear shock that gave up this morning while you are there. I have to say, a pot of coffee, an otherwise empty stomach and all that bouncing around, I was ready to hurl.

Get well soon, and cheaply please.
Me

Dear older brother,

Thank you for coming to get me. I love you.

She who you swear you found on the railroad tracks,
Me

 

[bailadora]

Dear Saucy,

I think you need beach therapy. And margaritas. Lots and lots of margaritas.

Love,

Me

 

[Miles Long]

Dear X,

I think you're being followed. I don't know Y.

 

[Gypsy_Kitten]

To X (nothing 'dear' about you)

Maybe I should give you the benefit of the doubt because you're a whippersnapper, but I'm not going to. I'm going to hold you to a higher standard.

Quit being a thoughtless bastard and grow the hell up. Stop treating people as though they exist to be your entertainment. That's how you treated me and look where it got you. It's assholes like you who make me want to leave this place and never look back.

And no, I'm still not mad, but I'm hurt. You think it's a small thing, but a lot of small things add up over time. And I get shitloads of them on a fairly regular basis, as do probably most of the women here.

Stop being so egocentric. You don't live in a bubble, your actions have consequences.

It's iggy for you.

 

[OTCurve]

Dear X,

The weirder it gets, the less surprised I am. You overplayed your hand.

 

[glynndah]

Dear X,

Please.

Sincerely,
the good little witch.

 

[Saucyminx]

Dear Jezebel,

You were the first car I ever bought on my own, and I guess that is why I drove you into the ground instead of trading you in for something new. You represent my freedom from a bad situation, and my independence, and that makes it really hard to let you go.

254000 miles is more than respectable for a car. We had a good 8 years together.

I really wish they could fix you, though. I don't want a new car but I guess you deserve the rest.

Much too attached to her car,
Me

 

[smallgirl]

Dear X,
Deep down, I hate you. I hate you for the things you did and the things you said when you didn't think. I hate that I ever met you. Not only do I regret gong thru what you put me thru, I regret meeting you. I wish you could see how you devastated me. I hope to fuck you have learned a valuable lesson and grow the fuck up. Your 3 kids deserve better parents.

Sincerely,
Me...the best thing you could have ever had.

 

[ebunny15]

To the Universe
Really?
Can't you find another punchline to all of your jokes? My bruises are starting to show.
I deserve better than what I'm getting on all fronts. Shove off and leave me alone.
Me

 

[Hypoxia]

Dear Time:

Slow down a little, please. I'm in no rush. Thanks

--H

 

[imemkay]

Dear Guy in line ahead of me at bottle redemption:

Eight 30-gal bags full of beer bottles? Seek help.

You're the push I needed to go over to the other redemption place where I have to pay for bags to return my bottles.

Impatient Recycler

 

[unregistered]

 

[glynndah]

Dear X,

Thank you for being there when I needed you. Your attention was very greatly appreciated. I care more than I can ever say.

Sincerely,

the good little witch.

 

[JawnKarTurr]

Dear X,

I hate when I think about you and smile about the good times we've had. It makes me forget all the times you took me for granted and how I didn't seize the situation when I should have. I'd rather be indifferent about you, and wonder how you could just banish me from your life. I guess for some love is easier to push aside. I've gotten that way lately or least I tell it like it is. You hurt me and I can't be bothered. I think I've spent enough time alone though and that's why I pine for the "good old days." I'm going to meet someone and soon all you'll be in my life is a bench mark to my past. I wish you the best like I do everyone on this planet.

 

[Red_Kiss]

Dear table of bros next to me,

My tablet has informed me that if I play Simon and Garfunkel any louder my ears will bleed and I'll be deaf so please kindly shut the fuck up. Nobody wants to hear about your fast food date with 'Becky' and how she is just a 'good friend'.

Also, you guys are getting up to pee more often than I did when I was pregnant. Wtf?

Please take your discourse to Buffalo Wild Wings.

 

[badjanus]

Dear Beautiful

You are one-in-a-million

 

[glynndah]

Dear X,

I still look for you.

Every day.

Sincerely,

the ever-nostalgic good little witch.

 

[Not Normal]

Dear X,

I'll laugh when it blows up.

 

[AlexaF]

Dear X

Talking dirty thread means a two way street. A one way pursuit is not talking dirty with someone, it is stalking

 

[OTCurve]

Dear Universe,

It's a minor procedure, so let's keep everything nice and boring.

Whaddya say?

 

[Saucyminx]

Dear Dr. Kiss my ass,

First of all, when I offered you your new contract, with a rather substantial raise in fees, (almost 3 times what I got last year anyway), you told me it was insulting and to 'kiss your ass.' Very very professional for a physican of your supposed standing. I sweetly told you to send me the papers to terminate your current contract, and still snickering a little bit, told you to have a nice day.

Now this morning, do I receive your termination? Why no. I receive a short email stating that after thinking about it, you have graciously decided to accept my offer.

Oh I'm sorry. You have now qualified for the "I'm an enormous douche bag" rate. I'm pretty sure I can get you lower, and the initial proposal was a limited time offer that expired the moment you told me to 'kiss your ass.' Add into the bargain that the network will not even blink if you are no longer part of it, and I believe you might get the hint to not let the door hit you in that kissable ass on your way out.

Life lesson time sweetie pie.

Hugs (no kisses)
Negotiator me

PS: Please make sure to be insufferable yet again. I thrive on that sort of thing.

 

[Saucyminx]

Dear Tootse,

Remember what I told you. Be careful. Have fun. Come home safe, sound, and with broader horizons then when you left. Love you dearly.

Mom

PS. Do what you know is right and smart, not what your friends suggest. Some of them are none too bright.

PSS. Your brother has demanded grilled cheese sandwiches all weekend in return for spring cleaning assistance. We will NOT be going in your room. *shudder*