did i or not

[orgasmless]

after a while of him going down on me and stuff and nothing happenening and me nearly falling asleep on him for the 3 rd time this weekend he put his fingers inside but we used the vib as i cant get past this pee feeling, ok, so after a while i get this other thing happening, like a huge electric shock, hurts kinda, dont really like it, and then i go into legs together mode til i nearly break his fingers and wrist with the clamping shut. if he continues then it all starts again.

this happened 8 times this morning.

what do you reckon happened? have i had an orgasm or not?

 

[elib257]

Let me start off by saying I'm no expert!

This doesn't sound like my orgasms... but I'm sure everyone's orgasms feel different. Mine feel like waves of tension in the muscles (sometimes whole body sometimes just vagina and surround area). Its like a mexican wave if you know what I mean? But I do recognise the leg clamping bit lol...

Although I couldn't tell you why, it is enjoyable, but if somebody asked me if I wanted my muscles to tense in a mexican wave that I can't control, I'd say 'no thanks'. Which is maybe why I don't think what you've been experiencing is an orgasm.

So, that's just all I can tell you, someone else can probably tell you more. Definitely relax though, It will never happen if you're too worried about it...

 

[orgasmless]

are you saying that you feel it in allyour muscles around the body? im talking about all this in just me vagain and clit area and nothing anywhere else at all.

its more that hubby has tried to convince me that i have orgasmed when all the acts etc that ive read say that there will be contractions etc and none o which are happening to me and its deinately not pleasureable, in fact when it happens i say oh god no not again. that cry is more like when i was in labour than what ive been led to believe is having an orgasm

 

[helix27]

sounds like you need to relax let yourself fall over the edge and have your orgasm... like i said in your other thread not to long ago on this same board. you should do "updates" to one thread not start many on the exact same question.

 

[Serenn]

The about to pee feeling sounds similar to when my fiance strokes my g-spot. Also, when I was learning to squirt I practiced by in the shower letting myself almost start to pee as I came and it feels the same way even now. You may be getting close, but also the electric shock thing is something I've experienced through anal sex as well as using toys. My fiance guessed he was hitting the vagis nerve, which sends a huge shock through the abdomen and travels up the spine and goes right into the sinus! It gives a headache and a huge stomach cramp, it's really awful and I'm so glad it only happened once to me, it must be very unpleasant for you.

I reccomend setting a distinct mood (if you havent tried already) a lot of the pleasure comes from setting. I mean think about it, you go into a room and you're ready to get off, you're comfortable and aroused and calm, or you go into a room and are dreading that pain! Also a sex tip, something that gets me off pretty quick is direct three finger pressure on the clit, and a gentle massage. Mixed in with kissing and some breast caressing, he should gradually have his motion go quicker, and mix it up a bit. spreading his fingers and scissor-squeezing it, persistence is bliss. That's all I can think of, hope it helps a little.

 

[orgasmless]

The about to pee feeling sounds similar to when my fiance strokes my g-spot. Also, when I was learning to squirt I practiced by in the shower letting myself almost start to pee as I came and it feels the same way even now. You may be getting close, but also the electric shock thing is something I've experienced through anal sex as well as using toys. My fiance guessed he was hitting the vagis nerve, which sends a huge shock through the abdomen and travels up the spine and goes right into the sinus! It gives a headache and a huge stomach cramp, it's really awful and I'm so glad it only happened once to me, it must be very unpleasant for you.

I reccomend setting a distinct mood (if you havent tried already) a lot of the pleasure comes from setting. I mean think about it, you go into a room and you're ready to get off, you're comfortable and aroused and calm, or you go into a room and are dreading that pain! Also a sex tip, something that gets me off pretty quick is direct three finger pressure on the clit, and a gentle massage. Mixed in with kissing and some breast caressing, he should gradually have his motion go quicker, and mix it up a bit. spreading his fingers and scissor-squeezing it, persistence is bliss. That's all I can think of, hope it helps a little.

ok we have done the setting thing etc etc and to be honest with you i couldnt care less about if there are candles or not! you maybe a lucky girl in the fact that you b/f can do that three fingered thing for you, but without wanting to be a broken record, any action to my clit, i do not feel the slightest thing from, hence at the weekend when he tried going down on me 3 times over the 3 days i fell asleep on him twice and the 3rd time after an hr i told him to give it up and stop. doing my breasts has the same efect also. so im letff with just kissing that i can tell what hes doing.

ok you practise sessions in the bath was he doing this for you? theres no chance that i could do that by myself, and as for peeing in front of him i simply cant do it, i have tried alsorts, i.e. when in the bath with him so he wont notice that way but it just clamps tightly shut and nothing wil come out and thats with me really bursting for the loo

 

[SweetErika]

Out of curiosity, how much do you talk about the vestobuldynia and "other things wrong" with you with your husband? If you could step outside of your body and watch yourself, how would you describe your mood/attitude when you are sexual with him - do you seem upbeat and genuinely happy about exploring and being intimate, or more depressed, unenthusiastic, focused on your problems, in pain, angry, like a complainer, etc.?

I'm NOT trying to be unwelcoming or harsh, but given the amount you seem to be focused on your sexual problems and number of people who have mentioned it here, I have to wonder if your husband is getting the impression you're dwelling on the negative. If so, maybe he's frustrated or discouraged enough to try to convince you you're orgasming, or at least making progress, so you'll feel better and/or be easier to be close to. After all, it's very difficult to see our loved ones ill in any way, and we don't want to do things that hurt them.

I could be completely wrong, but it's honestly what I thought of after reading your post. I figured I'd share on the chance this is in the ballpark of what's going on because I'm guessing trying to get to the root of why you're focusing on orgasm so much will be a hell of a lot more helpful than getting what amount to the same answers yet again.

Seeking professional help, exploring and trying to find solutions is a great course of action, but it shouldn't lead to, or be a result of, focusing on orgasm so much that you're forcing yourself to suffer things that continue to hurt. Chances are, the more you (and/or your partner) push for it, the further away you're going to get. Instead, focus all of your efforts on having fun and finding things that DO feel good (whether they seem sexual or not - kiss, cuddle, give, compliment, laugh, touch everywhere but the genitals, enjoy mutual hobbies, etc.), rather than having problems, what stage you're at/your body's doing, or having an orgasm.

With the number of answers on arousal and orgasm you've received in your time here, not to mention any research you've done on your own, I'm 99.9% sure you'll know if/when it happens for you, so there's no sense in worrying about whether it has or not!

Best of luck in finding things that work well for you.

 

[orgasmless]

did i or didnt i?

Out of curiosity, how much do you talk about the vestobuldynia and "other things wrong" with you with your husband? If you could step outside of your body and watch yourself, how would you describe your mood/attitude when you are sexual with him - do you seem upbeat and genuinely happy about exploring and being intimate, or more depressed, unenthusiastic, focused on your problems, in pain, angry, like a complainer, etc.?


ok the vestobulodynia side of things is something that we dont forget about as such, however we dont focus on it either, i dont want to giveit more hold over my life than is neccessary, in much the same way that a disabled person doesnt focus on the lack of a fully functioning body, they work with it. when im sexual with him i feel very awkward and i really am at a total lose as to what to do, not with me, but with him, foreplay from me is none, he would get a kiss or two and then i get hold of his penis and do what he wants from there, i feel very guilty that i seem to not put the equal effort into things as he does for me, he says he fine with it but im not totaly convinced hes being honest and is saying that to protect my feelings. the pain issue that we had to deal with has kinda passed as far as the vestobulodynia as we have done some exploring and actually took photos so he can see the effects of whats happening down there he now avoids a particular area together with other things such as diet etc that seems to have made a difference. i wouldnt say that im depressed about things, thats perhaps a bit harsh or to strong a term, i would say that the lack of feeling or sensation is dissapointing to say the least i seriously want to be able to give him some hope or direction but despite our best efforts theres not a lot to say, other than ouch or that hurts or stop that please!! as for feeling upbeat etc well if there was a real feeling that shown its self however small then that would be a comfort, but as and when i have these fleeting tiny sensations and he moves on so quickly i cant direct him back to do it more or again as im dont actually know what he was doing to repeat it, its not helpful 10 seconds after to say do more of what you where doing when i cant tell him what he was doing!!

i guess there is a certain element of anger in me, due to 2 years ago and when i ound out that orgasms are for both sexes and not just men, and then add to the act that he knew where and what a clit was and what it was meant to do, but never went there, never even mentioned it to me, and then when i said after that doctors visit that i didnt even know what ones was etc. the look on his face of disbelief. and perhaps one of surprise aswell.



I'm NOT trying to be unwelcoming or harsh, but given the amount you seem to be focused on your sexual problems and number of people who have mentioned it here, I have to wonder if your husband is getting the impression you're dwelling on the negative. If so, maybe he's frustrated or discouraged enough to try to convince you you're orgasming, or at least making progress, so you'll feel better and/or be easier to be close to. After all, it's very difficult to see our loved ones ill in any way, and we don't want to do things that hurt them.

ok , yes i admit i ask an awul lot of questions, some seem so silly to the rest of you, some you take for granted, i cant take anything for granted, i dont dwell as such on the negative, i try to remain positive, i look for answers to improve things, but then get dissapointed with the lack of response, but i still perservere.



I could be completely wrong, but it's honestly what I thought of after reading your post. I figured I'd share on the chance this is in the ballpark of what's going on because I'm guessing trying to get to the root of why you're focusing on orgasm so much will be a hell of a lot more helpful than getting what amount to the same answers yet again.

although most o my questions involve an orgasm, that really isnt the be all and end all o what im looking for, i would be totally happy if for once i felt that id actually had sex/made love, and that i could turn around and say that i enjoyed it, did some things i didnt wantto repeat or what ever reason, and move on from that, i just cant, and to be a bit graphic here the only reason i know ive done it is when i get dressed the following morning and during that day i leak his deposit!!!

Seeking professional help, exploring and trying to find solutions is a great course of action, but it shouldn't lead to, or be a result of, focusing on orgasm so much that you're forcing yourself to suffer things that continue to hurt. Chances are, the more you (and/or your partner) push for it, the further away you're going to get. Instead, focus all of your efforts on having fun and finding things that DO feel good (whether they seem sexual or not - kiss, cuddle, give, compliment, laugh, touch everywhere but the genitals, enjoy mutual hobbies, etc.), rather than having problems, what stage you're at/your body's doing, or having an orgasm.

we have saught that kind o help, for 2 years now, we have seen the doctor, seen sex therapist, sen gyny, andnot one of them has been of any help at all.
we do just kiss and cuddle and laugh and have many hobbies together. but ater a while that relationship becomes more like brother and sister if left to do its own thing, we need to push it along at times to do anything of a married kind.

With the number of answers on arousal and orgasm you've received in your time here, not to mention any research you've done on your own, I'm 99.9% sure you'll know if/when it happens for you, so there's no sense in worrying about whether it has or not!

ok as of late my level of lub has increased to annoyance levels as i get far too wet on occassion and it makes things far worse and numb. but that is an improvement as such!!! however i dont have any knowledge of it happening, and then i reach and touch him and find him soaked so much i feel i peed on him


Best of luck in finding things that work well for you.

thanks and i hope that this help explain my feelings etc

 

[Serenn]

I feel for you, I really do. You can't feel anything on your clitoris? Man. Have you had surgery around your abdominal area before? And, as for the peeing thing, no, that's in the bathtub alone. It's a personal thing, you learn to,w hen you orgasm basically squirt out the liquid. Sounds gross but it's a goal. Have you tried any other kind of orgasm? Anal orgasm, breast orgasm?

 

[orgasmless]

ive had 3 c sections but it was like that before them, nope i cant feel a thingon my clit.

any other orgasm? anal is out , hes to big, breast ? they dont feel much either, only if he bites!!! ouch then

 

[SunshineLdy]

I used to live my sex life with a "Oh ohh uhh was that one?" life. I think I came once when I was younger and doing mushrooms!! But I was high so I'm not really sure.

I don't know what to tell you. I always thought I was peeing when I'd do it myself, but rarely would my partners bring me to one. Alone, the only thing that would work right was a wonderful shower head. Then with my partners a vibrator on my clit, or in me at the same time (small vibrator) as my partner would make me feel like I had. Sex always felt good, but not like the BIG O, ya know? Now that I'm older, and with my husband, I make a mess. Maybe he's that relaxed with toys (which are rarely in use anymore). Maybe it's age? I've seen on the pages here that squirting and orgasms increase as a woman matures?? Maybe it's my current lover/husband. I'm finally enjoying sex, and making up for lost time!! I so hope the same for you, I can definitely relate to not having orgasms, and knowing I'm missing out.

 

[Serenn]

you may have had some damage done to that area for that many surgeries, my mother had her tubes tied when she was twenty and for some reason she lost some sensetivity. and breast orgasms are really wierd actually, he just has to squeeze them, not to hard but fairly tight with his fingertips, and pulse his fingers really fast as if squeezing a stress ball. it tickles, if it works for you, you'll laugh. it's really cool.

 

[orgasmless]

it tickles does it???? its as dead a feeling as poking my belly button!!!

i dont think the surgery has had anything to do with it at all, i was this way rom the very first time i had sex, and had not had any work on my body for any reason before meeting him.

 

[SpencerAlanMacLeod]

Without being silly or rude...do you masturbate?
By yourself or with him watching?
In a nutshell; are you able to get yourself off?
Do you really want to have sex or is this something that you do to please him?

 

[Serenn]

I wasn't trying to impose, sorry. All I meant was, you can't be totally numb so the pulsing technique seemed like a good one.

 

[SunshineLdy]

On limited info I'm curious if you have any clitorial damage. And have you tried letting him finger you?? There are some techniques that are really pleasent, don't hurt, and may hit your "G" spot inside you. Good luck!!!

 

[orgasmless]

can u give us those techniques then please, as the way hes being doing it to me for years is probably wrong then, as when he does this it totally hurts me, in fact on nmy clit it feels like he rubbing glass into it.

we have been together now for 26 years and married for 24 of those, ive never had any operation done on my clit or genitals in general other than having the kids by c section, after a failed delivery, for which they tried forceps, ventouse, did an episiotomy, but as i have said i dont see the connection from that as ive always been the same well before they came along.

when we first started dating, he would rub himself, fully clothed, against me, this left me very sore to the extent that i couldnt move without pain i was so bruised etc, i would somehow manage to get him to stay of long enough for it to calm down and then the process was repeated, this happened at least 3 times a week i decided to go the whole way with him as that couldnt be as painful as what i was ending up in, which it wasnt actually for the first time, so i guess horse riding and generally being a bit of a tom boy had helped in the hymen dept, even then i had trouble getting wet enough, but i didnt realise the effect or difference that this would make, and we never bought alternatives to use, if i wasnt wet then he carried on just the same anyway.

 

[SunshineLdy]

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=70892&highlight=spot

That had a fairly technical explanation that you could follow. Has anything he does felt good?? Like he was near the right area?

Every woman is different. Sometimes it feels good when I'm fingered really deep, and other times just barely inside me. Even just having him hold himself just at me.

Have you been able to have a clitorial orgasm? By yourself or with him? If not with a vibrator, maybe a nice stream of water?

Your body really needs to be discovered by you, then you read the map for him. He needs direction, but you have to know where to go too.

I was never any good telling them what I needed, and it took me forever to ask for a toy too. Even though they could tell how much I enjoyed it...they'd never volunteer to use it with me. I'd have to request it, or give the directions they needed to get me to feel.

Lube on the clit, not just inside. If you can't get wet enough, his spit or lube works. The lubrication helps keep the soreness from the stimulation down.

Oh, and overstimulation does hurt/sting the clitoris (rule of thumb is to be gentle, and get rougher when she asks for it). It takes a couple of days to relax after rough play. If he's not getting it with his fingers, a toy helps alleviate some of chance of hurting the clit (old silver bullet worked great!).

Also, his cuticles could be cutting you up a bit, and nail marks inside hurts (there's always gloves at the dr's). I know it's a lot to think about, but when you get it...it's like a recipe. You remember what ingredients worked well.

Have you spoken to your doctor?? This is no small issue, or anything to be embarrassed about. Mentally and physically you deserve the release!

 

[orgasmless]

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=70892&highlight=spot

That had a fairly technical explanation that you could follow. Has anything he does felt good?? Like he was near the right area? nope not a thing, never felt anything that i would want or ask him to do ever again.

Every woman is different. Sometimes it feels good when I'm fingered really deep, and other times just barely inside me. Even just having him hold himself just at me.

Have you been able to have a clitorial orgasm? By yourself or with him? If not with a vibrator, maybe a nice stream of water? nope i have no sensation from my clit, whether that be by vib fingers tongue water, teddy whatever else you could think of to use!!! i have no changes to it, no tingling, no warmth, no throbiing nothing!!

Your body really needs to be discovered by you, then you read the map for him. He needs direction, but you have to know where to go too. ive looked believe me, ive done thisfor the last 2 year as i do understand the theory of what your saying, just theres nothing to even start to tell him about,

I was never any good telling them what I needed, and it took me forever to ask for a toy too. Even though they could tell how much I enjoyed it...they'd never volunteer to use it with me. I'd have to request it, or give the directions they needed to get me to feel.

Lube on the clit, not just inside. If you can't get wet enough, his spit or lube works. The lubrication helps keep the soreness from the stimulation down. i really hate lube of any sort, and spit, the thought of that just turns my tummy enough for me to puke.

Oh, and overstimulation does hurt/sting the clitoris (rule of thumb is to be gentle, and get rougher when she asks for it). It takes a couple of days to relax after rough play. If he's not getting it with his fingers, a toy helps alleviate some of chance of hurting the clit (old silver bullet worked great!).

Also, his cuticles could be cutting you up a bit, and nail marks inside hurts (there's always gloves at the dr's). I know it's a lot to think about, but when you get it...it's like a recipe. You remember what ingredients worked well. ive asked him repeatedly to try out the gloves he wont though, not that i think hes cutting me, but to see if that makes any difference, his excuse is that it seems clynical if it was done that way!!

Have you spoken to your doctor?? This is no small issue, or anything to be embarrassed about. Mentally and physically you deserve the release!

yeah of course i have, i have seen many here in the uk, and not one doctor has offered any help at all

 

[orgasmless]

that link you gave me, i have saved it on my favorites for a long time now, hes read it all, knows it all and doesnt do any of it!! he reckons thats what he does! and to be totally honest with you i wouldnt actually know cause i cant fel anything that he does do i cant tell the difference between finger tounge or toy when he touches me, last weekend proved that when i fell asleep while he was going down on me, i wasnt tired just plain bored after he was down there for over an hr each time he tried and then just went to sleep. anything above the belly button was totally forgotten about, and i dont even think he knew id gone to sleep for a long time before he stopped

 

[SunshineLdy]

Have you been able to release yourself (bring yourself to orgasm)??

I'd said earlier, when I first did it felt like I was peeing. Then I noticed it wasn't comming from my urethra...it was vaginal fluids, and it was powerful. I still tend to push him away when they hit hard (but I don't want him going anywhere!).

I'm so sorry for the both of you! I remember how it felt (or rather didn't) when I couldn't.

Does his getting off on you feel good? Maybe not in you since (or when) it's hurting. Have you had him use your butt cheeks (since you don't like anal), or breasts to stroke off in and play with to have him release? Just an idea to give your body a break once and awhile.

Is there anyway you can think of it as play time, your time, and just have him do what touching/tugging/rubbing/kissing that you do enjoy? Chances are you learn a lot exploring what you like, and they tend to like it too and have fun. Then he can always release where you tell him he can

Guys sometimes like giving over that power, and really really quiver when you tell them what they can and can't do...and what you want to be pleased with.

Maybe?

 

[orgasmless]

Have you been able to release yourself (bring yourself to orgasm)?? no i havent!!! i cant feel anything for even trying to.

I'd said earlier, when I first did it felt like I was peeing. Then I noticed it wasn't comming from my urethra...it was vaginal fluids, and it was powerful. I still tend to push him away when they hit hard (but I don't want him going anywhere!).

I'm so sorry for the both of you! I remember how it felt (or rather didn't) when I couldn't.

Does his getting off on you feel good? Maybe not in you since (or when) it's hurting. Have you had him use your butt cheeks (since you don't like anal), or breasts to stroke off in and play with to have him release? Just an idea to give your body a break once and awhile. i cant help feel jea;ous of him, being totally homest here, dont get me wrong im happpy for him in that he can but then after i turn over and cry myself to sleep after hes gone out like a candle straight after.

Is there anyway you can think of it as play time, your time, and just have him do what touching/tugging/rubbing/kissing that you do enjoy? Chances are you learn a lot exploring what you like, and they tend to like it too and have fun. Then he can always release where you tell him he can if i coud tell him what to do with me etc etc then yeah the idea sounds ok, but thats it, its just an idea and in reality the nothingness gets you down.

Guys sometimes like giving over that power, and really really quiver when you tell them what they can and can't do...and what you want to be pleased with.

Maybe?

i was realy upset with him last night, he got into bed and then he tried just to cuddle me, i threw him off, i couldnt have him anywhere near me, i didnt even want him inthe same house, i do hold him partly responsible for most of this, as he has kept things from me for years, just did things that felt good for him never once has he talked about sex in the first 22 years of marriage, and only now in the later 2 is it talked about if i get upset and hes backed into a corner, he does the things that he gets the most out of, and is totally self centered and always has been towards me when it came to sex.

 

[Mazuri]

I'm not sure how many times in other threads it's been said, but....you both need to go to marriage counseling together and separately before you ever even consider worrying about your sex lives! The resentment for your husband that just screams from your above post is NOT conducive to a good sexual relationship, nor is it good for your children to see the tension between the two of you (don't kid yourself that you hide it, kids aren't blind or stupid). Work out the issues in your relationship, see a specialist for your medical problems, and then work to improve your sex lives. Having good sex at this point may well be impossible with all the other things going on in your relationship and health and no amount of posting on a forum is going to improve either of them.

Good luck.

 

[orgasmless]

thing is tho everything else about us is just fine, its just that the sex is a totall mess and waste of time if he cant/wont put any effort into anything, that isnt obviously working/helping towards me, he dosent even realise this at times as hes so into what hes doing for his own reasons/enjoyment. im just a lump of meat thats happens to be there for him

 

[Cathleen]

It doesn't matter if "everything else about us is just fine," clearly the one issue that is not fine is firstly, part of the whole relationship and secondly, parts of a whole matter a lot. This issue is spilling over to everything you're thinking and doing -- both of you probably (but not knowing his thoughts/feelings/behaviors it's difficult to speculate).

You are angry and there is NOTHING wrong with anger or being angry. Anger is a very healthy emotion, it's just most of us will jump hoops, run in circles and avoid admitting our anger, not just avoiding it but admitting it too.

If you were to build a house would you omit windows, or certain rooms? No you want the full house - complete. If you don't have windows you'll run yourself ragged trying to keep the bad weather out but you'll never be successful. Life is like that, we can't walk around trying to be in denial -- it's impossible.

You know this is a problem, and from what I've read it's a big problem (as sex should be a healthy part of the whole) but you just wish it wasn't. Wishing is great but it's just wishing.

A goal without a plan is just a wish. Seek help, individually and together, it is invading every part of your relationship with him, your whole family and the relationship you have with yourself. Take care of yourself here, please. You are worth it.