Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkk!!!!!!

[rae121452]

call the fbi!!! alert the RCMP!!!! my baby has been kidnapped!!!

miss candi and i stayed up until dawn drinking southern comfort and dancing to abba records. i just now went out to feed the little tyke a chicken and i found the cage door open, the nipper gone and this note in its place:

babymama-

kabuki and i are engaged to be married and so we have eloped back to canada. i am taking my baby with us so that it may be raised in a good old aryan nuclear family-1 daddy (sort of), 1 mommy (sort of) and be imbued with all of the wholesome nazi values i was raised with. don't try to find us...we are going to start our own satanic nazi ritual sexual abuse cult in an abandoned carwash that i know of. it is all for the best.

p. s.-kabuki wants to know if the kid is a boy or a girl, neither of us can tell.

oh, the horror of having my child ripped from my bosoms! miss candi is still passed out on the living room floor with her wig in a pool of puke, as soon as she comes round i'll ask her what to do. do they do amber alerts for devilbabys?

what about the tv show? what about the endorsements? i wonder if candi will be up to going to the outlet mall this afternoon, now that i don't need a babysitter?

 

[HisArpy]

*pops open another beer, props up feet, yells at kid to get up and change the TV channel*

 

[ryan8558]

*pops open another beer, props up feet, yells at kid to get up and change the TV channel*

get a remote!!

 

[HisArpy]

get a remote!!

Fuck dat. Now go get me another beer.

 

[rae121452]

i wonder if transporting a satanic baby across the border could be considered an act of terrorism? i'll call nsa and ask.

 

[CandiCame]

That note means nothing! His geography was always terrible! They could be anywhere!

Also... part of me thinks they're still in the woods. Let me put some calls out. I know a guy.

 

[Shelly2inme]

Typo?

Regarding the subject line: Isn't Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkk! spelt with seven "K"s?

 

[CandiCame]

Regarding the subject line: Isn't Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkk! spelt with seven "K"s?

I mean, if you're in Europe

 

[rae121452]

That note means nothing! His geography was always terrible! They could be anywhere!

Also... part of me thinks they're still in the woods. Let me put some calls out. I know a guy.

girlfriend, ever since i read this i've been picturing that band of freaks out wandering around in the woods in circles. matilda: 'i've heard moss grows on the north side of trees, let's go this way."

and of course the offspring is probably howling like a banshee and chewing through the restraints because it's hungry. i mean, they could always let kabuki off her leash and let her go hunt down small animals but she'd probably lose her tired ass in the forest, too. they're both too dumb to know that baby needs fresh blood mixed in with its goat milk formula and i'm sure they didn't think to bring a goat along. assholes.

and speaking of assholes, will you kindly tell your 80 year old midget priest boyfriend to stop knocking on my door? i've told the senile bitch i don't know how many times, he thinks you went back to the Philippines because he lied about his age and 'abilities". how the hell did you ever get yourself on a filipina mail order bride website in the first place.

and, miss thing, i truly don't want to hurt your feelings but you can lose the nurse's oxfords now. i know you think that they're doc marten/punky funky/ fashion forward but honestly they're uglier than shit. and they make you walk like frankenstein. get a nice strappy pair of sandals and you'll look 100% better.

and DON'T you dare call search and rescue to hunt for the babes in the woods.

 

[Biggs_Darklighter]

Probably one of those kids the Canadians are looking for. Little monster.

 

[rae121452]

miss candi is pissed at me and went flouncing off to home. i was only trying to be helpful! when she passed out with her wig in that pool of puke, i thought i'd clean it for her so i ran it through the washer and dryer. how was i to know it was some cheap ass eva gabor shit that she bought at the thrift store for $2? besides, i think she looks kind of cute with a red 'fro.

 

[CandiCame]

miss candi is pissed at me and went flouncing off to home. i was only trying to be helpful! when she passed out with her wig in that pool of puke, i thought i'd clean it for her so i ran it through the washer and dryer. how was i to know it was some cheap ass eva gabor shit that she bought at the thrift store for $2? besides, i think she looks kind of cute with a red 'fro.

Ok first of all, that's not why I'm pissed, it's because you keep shittalking my platforms-

And secondly...

I have no idea where I went. I woke up in the woods out back by the dumpster where the crawlers keep showing up and I have no idea how I got there, but the wound on my arm has been ripped back open and everything smelled like rosewater essential oil- which is not how the dumpster normally smells- and I keep having this chant going through my head about a dark planet lit by no sun.

Who the hell is Ishtar?

 

[CandiCame]

girlfriend, ever since i read this i've been picturing that band of freaks out wandering around in the woods in circles. matilda: 'i've heard moss grows on the north side of trees, let's go this way."

and of course the offspring is probably howling like a banshee and chewing through the restraints because it's hungry. i mean, they could always let kabuki off her leash and let her go hunt down small animals but she'd probably lose her tired ass in the forest, too. they're both too dumb to know that baby needs fresh blood mixed in with its goat milk formula and i'm sure they didn't think to bring a goat along. assholes.

and speaking of assholes, will you kindly tell your 80 year old midget priest boyfriend to stop knocking on my door? i've told the senile bitch i don't know how many times, he thinks you went back to the Philippines because he lied about his age and 'abilities". how the hell did you ever get yourself on a filipina mail order bride website in the first place.

and, miss thing, i truly don't want to hurt your feelings but you can lose the nurse's oxfords now. i know you think that they're doc marten/punky funky/ fashion forward but honestly they're uglier than shit. and they make you walk like frankenstein. get a nice strappy pair of sandals and you'll look 100% better.

and DON'T you dare call search and rescue to hunt for the babes in the woods.

Oh also, like don't even talk to him. I'm so sick of Matt's friends, like that dude is starting to creep me out because he keeps leaving me weird presents that I don't even want like dead rabbits.

 

[rae121452]

Ok first of all, that's not why I'm pissed, it's because you keep shittalking my platforms-

And secondly...

I have no idea where I went. I woke up in the woods out back by the dumpster where the crawlers keep showing up and I have no idea how I got there, but the wound on my arm has been ripped back open and everything smelled like rosewater essential oil- which is not how the dumpster normally smells- and I keep having this chant going through my head about a dark planet lit by no sun.

Who the hell is Ishtar?

bitch, was that you giving a party in my dumpster last night? i looked out around midnight when i heard the drumming and chanting but when i saw all of those naked men with symbols painted on them in blood, i thought it had something to do with football. and after what they were doing with that blow up doll they were passing around.......wait, girl! was that you? i bet you've got some interesting aches and pains this morning!
if i'd known, i would have come out and sprayed them with weed killer or something and saved you. i wouldn't have minded getting acquainted with that big stud in the goat head or whatever is was, anyway. you rarely see a guy hung like.........miss thing! did you take all of that? you're more talented than i thought!
and the way you were bouncing up and down....oh, no! bitch, you're not trying to go behind my back and get knocked up with a devil baby of your own so you can get your own reality show? i'll pull the razor out of my wig and cut you every way but loose!
btw, your midget suitor stopped by again this morning. i told him that you were deported for being illegal, then i showed him that youtube of miss kabuki doing her eye makeup with magic markers and some selfies of miss matilda in lingerie. he got VERY excited, so i pointed him in the direction of the woods and said, "fetch". hopefully that's the last of him.
i just love living in scenic Appalachia i mean, a show like i watched last night at the dumpster, in ny or chicago thay'd make you pay to see something like that!.

 

[rae121452]

Oh also, like don't even talk to him. I'm so sick of Matt's friends, like that dude is starting to creep me out because he keeps leaving me weird presents that I don't even want like dead rabbits.

oh, and girl, i meant to tell you!

i watched this old japanese movie called 'the manster' on the early show. it was all about this guy who gets bitten on the wrist by this radioactive rat type monster creature. pretty soon, he starts getting funny twinges, then that whole side of his body starts growing yak hair. next thing you know, he's got an eyeball popping out of his shoulder and then it grows into an ugly, hairy, antisocial head. he runs around with two heads for awhile scaring people but eventually he winds up splitting right down the middle! he's left with his normal body but the ugly hairy ape creature goes off on a rampage killing people and shit.

it happened once, it could happen again. you need to spend sometime with your arm dunked in a holy water font or get a root woman to work on it or something. you go around with eyeballs growing out of your shoulder and you'll never look right in a tube top again!

 

[butters]

oh, and girl, i meant to tell you!

i watched this old japanese movie called 'the manster' on the early show. it was all about this guy who gets bitten on the wrist by this radioactive rat type monster creature. pretty soon, he starts getting funny twinges, then that whole side of his body starts growing yak hair. next thing you know, he's got an eyeball popping out of his shoulder and then it grows into an ugly, hairy, antisocial head. he runs around with two heads for awhile scaring people but eventually he winds up splitting right down the middle! he's left with his normal body but the ugly hairy ape creature goes off on a rampage killing people and shit.

it happened once, it could happen again. you need to spend sometime with your arm dunked in a holy water font or get a root woman to work on it or something. you go around with eyeballs growing out of your shoulder and you'll never look right in a tube top again!

ain't that the truth?

 

[CandiCame]

bitch, was that you giving a party in my dumpster last night? i looked out around midnight when i heard the drumming and chanting but when i saw all of those naked men with symbols painted on them in blood, i thought it had something to do with football. and after what they were doing with that blow up doll they were passing around.......wait, girl! was that you? i bet you've got some interesting aches and pains this morning!
if i'd known, i would have come out and sprayed them with weed killer or something and saved you. i wouldn't have minded getting acquainted with that big stud in the goat head or whatever is was, anyway. you rarely see a guy hung like.........miss thing! did you take all of that? you're more talented than i thought!
and the way you were bouncing up and down....oh, no! bitch, you're not trying to go behind my back and get knocked up with a devil baby of your own so you can get your own reality show? i'll pull the razor out of my wig and cut you every way but loose!
btw, your midget suitor stopped by again this morning. i told him that you were deported for being illegal, then i showed him that youtube of miss kabuki doing her eye makeup with magic markers and some selfies of miss matilda in lingerie. he got VERY excited, so i pointed him in the direction of the woods and said, "fetch". hopefully that's the last of him.
i just love living in scenic Appalachia i mean, a show like i watched last night at the dumpster, in ny or chicago thay'd make you pay to see something like that!.

OK so that explains why I keep bleeding and can't walk straight. I was wondering why I was so goddamn sore.

Jesus Christ I can't do this shit anymore. I'm getting too old for this. Is it weird that it's not my ass that hurts? It's my fucking back.

Also, seriously, what the fuck did you do with my shoes? Those are 90s platforms from the 90s. I can't replace them.

Also were we like... looking for a kid or something.

I'm so tired. I'm just gonna lay down on the floor for a second. And thirsty. We got anymore Wild Turkey?