Extremely long post but help is desperately needed.

[Toa_lin]

still, even change in genders, and change in people, I still stand by what I said, since I never let my oppiinons be biased over sex, sexual-preference, or familiarity.

Quite simply, there are obviously hurts, and they aren't getting solved on there own, and since apparently we are unable to help, you should seek advice elswhere, and the idea of the counselor is just that. By coming here, what you were asking for was simply an outside person to walk in and point out the pros and cons of each of your oppinons, and then say who we felt was in the right. we did that, and it has been misconstrued in every which way possible, there is now just too much hurt here on the thread to be of any help to you two. ((Like the mis-understanding about the children, for e.g. we [as in the outsiders of the relationship] never said either of you were bad parents, but you took it that way))

By taking up a counselor, your starting fresh, and there will be no mis-understandings. But either way, to do so, neither of you can go in being defensive, demanding, controlling, accusing, or set in your beleifs like dried concrete. You have to go in with open minds, both ready to hear your not perfectly right in how you feel. But neither are wrong either, this isn't a black-and-white situation. They're not going to say "You're right, you're wrong" There are bends twists and turns through-out it. And somehow, you two are both going to have to be willing to compromise somewhat, or no ammount of talking will solve this problem.

My deepest hopes, and best of wishes to you both.

 

[FurryFury]

Okay first off since we're outting this, this is my real handle here on Lit - those that wanted to place me on permanent ignore, please feel free to do so but do it to the right handle!



Okay lets clear this misperception up right now. HM and I discussed this off and on for almost a week prior to my posting here. I was encouraged to post here to get a different perspective than the one I stated I have. We've been chasing this issue around and talking / arguing at times till we're both blue in the face. Recently it's turned hurt full, meaning the talks, and we both agree that we're not geting any where at this moment. Which is why I went ahead and posted, even though I though I would get an over whelming BDSM D/s view point.

What I believe she took offense to and I take offense is the assumption that just because we have this disagreement / heartache in our bedroom, that she is there for some how a bad parent in any way. The whole D/s BDSM would never take place in our home, nor around our children. She and I are both loving caring parents who both believe that our children come first in all matters. In regards to the rest of our relationship we are pretty much compatible - regular day to day stuff couples have... Our troubles are with this one issue.

I came here to find advice on how to find middle ground, so that we could stop beating each other up with our own view points. I laid out my histroy in an attempt to explain what I am feeling and why - Yes I changed genders around in an attempt to protect our "dirty laundery", but this was not an attempt to manipulate the board or the people here.

Thanks to those that offered advise on how we could meet in the middle and the suggestion of therapy, this is something we are discussing now.

Queen of Pentacles

You do realize that you did get, "an overwhelming BDSM D/s viewpoint", don't you?

It just wasn't what you, and perhaps HM, assumed it would be.

Fury

 

[shy slave]

What a thread.

I am glad I did not read the OP first post until now.

I applaud Rebecca and Cutie for being so ouright and upfront.

They said everything I would have said (but they did it with balls).

Hottie Mama, I hope this works out in whatever way is best for you, but frankly I would be wary of someone who came here to try and manipulate people you know.

It may be she never expected you to speak up, but it seems to me she planned to use this thread to get her own way.

Game playing at its worst.

 

[Ice2000]

This is a soap opera..

I'm not judging either Bunny.. but I think a couple of basic rules that all of us should consider could have avoided the situation.

1. total honesty with our partners
2. sex and love don't always come in the same package.
3. the right to move on if things don't work.

beating the crap out of each other in public isn't helping ... counseling perhaps might. Doubt either of them needed a public forum to come up with that one.

Again, luck to you both..

 

[Etoile]

Oh wow. I know QP from the GLBT board and HM from the BDSM board. What a tangled web we weave.

I'm going to jump in and say that polyamory may in fact be a viable option. It is possible for someone to not have all of their needs filled in one place. It does not mean that the other person fills all of their needs instead. I am an example of this. I get love, intimacy, and caring support from my mostly-vanilla wife. I get spankings, breathless sex, and mindfucks from my very kinky Daddy. Neither of them could replace the other.

Just because HM is looking for kink outside the relationship does not mean that she is unhappy with QP. Different needs can be filled from different people. I understand that sexual contact is an issue here; it is not for my poly relationship but it is still something that can be worked out and agreed upon. Boundaries can be set for everyone's comfort.

A therapist - for QP, for HM, and/or for QP and HM together - would be a wonderful idea. The Kink Aware Professionals list is a wonderful resource; I found my therapist there and she is just amazing. It's essential to get someone who is sensitive to queer, kink, and poly issues. Otherwise you are probably going to be told that what you are trying for, or the life you are living, is "all wrong" - and that's no help at all.

I'm so sorry you're both going through this and I hope you can both find help.

 

[incubus'_sub]

In essence I agree with you Etoile & have done poly myself a few times.

In this case, however, what is clear is that the OP is not happy to do it & that, for me, makes all the difference. Poly only works, in any fashion sexually or otherwise, if all partners wish to be involved in making it work. This OP does not want to return to a similar situation which hurt her previously.

I doubt that any professional will be able to change the needs & the wants of these partners. Hopefully they will part friends & remain good parents to their children.

 

[Little_Kitten]

Given that you don't know Him in the least, i think this is an assumption based on a stereotype and not reality.

How do you expect us to be able to see it from your point of view if you wont tell us? The OP made it sound like it was completely disaster, and as if her "husband" was a completely careless and egoistic man who just wanted his kink fulfilled.
Apparently the situation is another so i take back what I said, and I'll just keep in the back ground. But I hope all goes well for you two tho. Be thoughtful of each other's feelings.