Fairyland v.3

[Elizafairy]

Fairyland won't you take me to,
beyond the stink of these bruised avenues.

Away from the brown and the green and the clear
bottles broken
that make stained glass windows in the street.
My beggar brother in boxes sleeps.
And Gabriel's trumpet is a traffic-stopping shriek --

No...
Fairyland won't you take me to
to sleepy, coastal Oregon, catered green.
and in the dragon's claw-clouds we embrace.
and in fairy dreams we the centuries sleep.

 

[Tathagata]

I think you could combine some of this with some of the second version and have a really nice poem.

I didnt make many changes ..you did use the word green twice so i substitued lush vegetation

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fairyland won't you take me to,
beyond the stink of these bruised avenues.

Away from the brown,the green and the clear
bottles broken
that make stained glass windows in the street.
My beggar brother in boxes sleeps.
And Gabriel's trumpet is a traffic-stopping shriek --

No...

Fairyland won't you take me to,
beyond the browned-out sunburnt suburban sleep;
Fairlyand won't you take me to,
away from the diesel-soaked streets -

- of yesterday's empire.

Polemics pours the oil
ashy libations
upon the bloody concrete;
hate gathers discolored
in puddles and eddies.

Fairlyland won't you take me to,
past folded flags and quiet grief.

Fairyland won't you take me
to sleepy, coastal Oregon, catered lush vegetation
in the dragon's claw-clouds we embrace,
in fairy dreams we the centuries sleep.

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

Elizafairy,

Further to Tathagata's suggestions, I should like to suggest changing the line:
"And Gabriel's trumpet is a traffic-stopping shriek — "

You are mixing Fairies with Angels here — two different classification of mythical being.



In Shakespeare, Oberon entered with a fanfare of flutes.

You might consider changing the line to:
"And Oberon's fanfare is a traffic-stopping shreik —"


Or, exchange "fanfare" with "flutes," or, not to change the scansion, "hautbois."



Also, in the second line, I believe I would prefer "stench" to "stink."



Just a couple of suggestions

 

[twelveoone]

Fairyland won't you take me to,
beyond the stink of these bruised avenues.

Away from the brown and the green and the clear
bottles broken
that make stained glass windows in the street.
My beggar brother in boxes sleeps.
And Gabriel's trumpet is a traffic-stopping shriek --

No...
Fairyland won't you take me to
to sleepy, coastal Oregon, catered green.
and in the dragon's claw-clouds we embrace.
and in fairy dreams we the centuries sleep.

I like the way you write. Tath has a good idea, I would take it one step further, take them all, combine them, then weed for consistency.