Feedback & Beta Reader Request

[Swango]

I'd like feedback for my first two "chapters" (4,000 and 2,000 words respectively) of "Angela Falls" already posted to Literotica. The story is intended to be about a teenage woman's journey of sexual self discovery despite religious repression. While I am a man, this story is inspired by my own experiences with the intersection of sexuality and a religious upbringing. Chapter 1 includes a scene where she witnesses her best friend and brother having sex; Chapter 2 is her discovery of masturbation. It is likely I will venture further into more incestuous content at some point in the future.

General feedback is appreciated. I also have specific questions for the first two chapters:

1. How was the dialogue? Did it seem as if each character had their own voice, or did it seem like I, the writer, was just talking through each character?

2. I make quite a few religious references. My goal was to emphasize the "tabooness" of sexuality for Angela and leverage that to create sexual tension. Did these references have any effect on the development of sexual tension (positive or negative)? Do you think I should change the amount of time I spend on this going forward?

3. Angela's actions are in constant conflict with her virtuous desires and morality. Was this portrayed in a believable way? Did this impact the sexual tension at all (positively or negatively)? Do you think I should change the amount of time I spend on this going forward?

4. There are some intentional attempts at foreshadowing, particularly in Chapter 1. Are they too heavy handed?

5. In Chapter 2, Angela believes she has been possessed by a demon or the devil. This is intended to represent Angela's own sexuality. Is that accomplished? Does it enhance the story?

For those interested in beta reading the next bit, it's currently 1,700 words. I feel a bit stuck, I'm concerned the writing is a bit dry, and am wondering if I should scrap it and start over. Confirmation of whether I'm taking the story in a not completely terrible direction would be appreciated. Also open to bouncing ideas around.

 

[AlexBailey]

Got links to your stories?

I won’t have a chance today but I’ll check them out later when I have the opportunity. I’ve got lots of background with overbearing religious experiences so I can probably relate.

-Alex

 

[Swango]

Appreciate it! The links are:
https://www.literotica.com/s/angela-falls
https://www.literotica.com/s/angela-falls-02

 

[TheRedChamber]

Congratulations on your first couple of submissions. Overall, I think there were successful with what they were setting out to do, and I'll be reading the next chapters as you produce them.

1. How was the dialogue? Did it seem as if each character had their own voice, or did it seem like I, the writer, was just talking through each character?

I think the voices are okay. If you hadn't asked I wouldn't even have thought about it. Each character has their own clear identity in the story and what they are saying usually matches/enforces that.

2. I make quite a few religious references. My goal was to emphasize the "tabooness" of sexuality for Angela and leverage that to create sexual tension. Did these references have any effect on the development of sexual tension (positive or negative)? Do you think I should change the amount of time I spend on this going forward?

As someone raised in an atheist family, sometimes the religiosity seemed a bit much and this carried over to the religious metaphors - on the other hand 'religion' is the special sauce in this story, so I wouldn't cut it down. Depending on exactly where this going, I suspect the religiosity level will drop somewhat as sex become normal, but never entirely go away.

3. Angela's actions are in constant conflict with her virtuous desires and morality. Was this portrayed in a believable way? Did this impact the sexual tension at all (positively or negatively)? Do you think I should change the amount of time I spend on this going forward?

Again, I think this is the point of the story, so 'no change' except as her character develops.

4. There are some intentional attempts at foreshadowing, particularly in Chapter 1. Are they too heavy handed?

It's fine. Given that you've got an entire Lit page of pious setup, the reader needs some sort of reassurance that naughtiness will be coming - a few ambiguous comments, tight T-shirts and leg brushes are good reminders that the reader hasn't accidentally stumbled onto a Sunday School Stories website..

5. In Chapter 2, Angela believes she has been possessed by a demon or the devil. This is intended to represent Angela's own sexuality. Is that accomplished? Does it enhance the story?

I didn't read chapter 2 as Angela having been possessed exactly - just a 'Satan was close'.

 

[AlexBailey]

Congratulations on getting your stories up!

Please take my feedback with a grain of salt. I’m no great writer but I have been studying to improve. I’m using this as an opportunity to make use of what I’ve been learning. I’m going to give you the kind of feedback I hope for.

1. How was the dialogue? Did it seem as if each character had their own voice, or did it seem like I, the writer, was just talking through each character?

The different character voices came across fairly well, though there were times when I had to take a moment to untangle who was speaking. Although I was able to figure it out, I feel that a few more speech tags and better defined context could help.

James’ voice could have been more defined. His dialogue while in the barn with Emily seemed detached and Emily’s experience didn’t really ring like it was the life-changing moment of losing her virginity.

2. I make quite a few religious references. My goal was to emphasize the "tabooness" of sexuality for Angela and leverage that to create sexual tension. Did these references have any effect on the development of sexual tension (positive or negative)? Do you think I should change the amount of time I spend on this going forward?

To me it was more religious emersion than references.

While there is a lot of advice out there to ‘show, don’t tell’ I felt that Angela’s internal conflict could have been better portrayed through internal thoughts, earlier and in a way that could provide more of a hook that would have made the story more erotically engaging from the beginning.

You could frame the spiritual tension earlier by having Angela wake from a sensuous dream. It could begin with a steamy moment justaposed with her dad waking her for church. Her dad’s comment about needing a different job would be more meaningful and the entire story could start out with a more engaging emotional and spiritual imbalance. Morning in church could be framed as her trying to get back on the chaste and pious path while she struggles with distractions of impure thoughts.

3. Angela's actions are in constant conflict with her virtuous desires and morality. Was this portrayed in a believable way? Did this impact the sexual tension at all (positively or negatively)? Do you think I should change the amount of time I spend on this going forward?

I think you should lean into Angela’s conflicted thoughts. The insight you give to her thinking in the first part are more like observations and pious judgements rather than internal conflict.

4. There are some intentional attempts at foreshadowing, particularly in Chapter 1. Are they too heavy handed?

I saw some of the foreshadowing but I felt like there could have been more palpable chemistry between James and Emily.

Mathew is framed to make a reappearance but I feel he could have had a bigger role, maybe even having him come into the barn as Emily and James are finishing and tucking their shirts in, all while Angela remains hidden. It would set up more common ground for conversation and connection between him and Angela later in the story.

5. In Chapter 2, Angela believes she has been possessed by a demon or the devil. This is intended to represent Angela's own sexuality. Is that accomplished? Does it enhance the story?

You did a good job with Angela’s internal conflict in part two.


As written, the first page doesn’t do much to grab me or make me relate or care about the characters. Part two does this better but only after we’ve been on the trip to church and Sunday School.



Also, there are lots of typos that take a moment to untangle, especially in part two. You should probably have a beta reader or at least a last spellcheck. I find I need to let a piece sit for a day before I can objectively edit my own work.

I like the premise and I can relate to having nagging thoughts and religious guilt conflicting with curiosity and desire. I’m interested to see where this story goes.

-Alex