Feedback on my first fdom/msub story!

[Coquetteprincess]

Hi!

Here’s my newest story. I’d love to get some feedback on it.

https://www.literotica.com/s/ms-jones-interrogates-joey

I’ve never written msub before and it’s usually not my thing but I was in the mood for it so yeah!

Let me know what you think.

 

[AlexBailey]

️️️️️
A fun short piece. It seems like it was written to be intentionally short, which on one hand makes it quick and accessible but on the other hand leaves me wanting more about the characters and on going situation. “Leave ‘em wanting more”?

It works as erotic fiction in the religious setting with Joey’s internal conflict and difficulty in reconciling what’s happening and how he gets caught up in the passion, but there are a couple of minor details which need more explanation to maintain verisimilitude:

* While it works for erotica, the church lady - Ms Jones’ pencil skirt doesn’t quite set right for someone in charge of religious missionaries - not in my religious background anyway.

* Joey, as a seemingly insecure young church missionary would be a tighty-whitey guy.

The depth of Joey’s character could easily carry momentum into a longer piece.

 

[Coquetteprincess]

️️️️️
A fun short piece. It seems like it was written to be intentionally short, which on one hand makes it quick and accessible but on the other hand leaves me wanting more about the characters and on going situation. “Leave ‘em wanting more”?

It works as erotic fiction in the religious setting with Joey’s internal conflict and difficulty in reconciling what’s happening, but there are a couple of minor details which need more explanation to maintain verisimilitude:

* While it works for erotica, Ms Jones, the church lady’s pencil skirt doesn’t quite set right for someone in charge of religious missionaries - not in my religious background anyway.

* Joey, as a seemingly insecure young church missionary would be a tighty-whitey guy.

The depth of Joey’s character could easily carry momentum into a longer piece.

Thank you so much for your review!!!!

Damn it!! I wish I had him wear tighty-whiteys haha that would have been cute xD I got caught up trying to make sure his underwear matched his socks lol. Youre right about the pencil skirt, too. I’ll take this into consideration for the next chapter.

Btw, I already have the next few chapters planned out! I tend to be more comfy with shorter pieces because I don’t always have the time to write that much. But hopefully my readers will be happy with the additional upcoming chapters!

Thanks again. I appreciate the feedback!

 

[AlexBailey]

I completely get what you’re saying about story length. It’s so much less commitment to write short pieces, yet Joey’s internal conflict begs for more exploration and a long character arch of new experiences and reflections while squirming under Ms Jones’ manipulation.

Have fun with this!

Curiously; is there a cathartic element to your writing erotica in a religious setting? I ask because I found it very useful for myself psychologically to exorcise some old demons from an abusive past.

 

[Coquetteprincess]

I completely get what you’re saying about story length. It’s so much less commitment to write short pieces, yet Joey’s internal conflict begs for more exploration and a long character arch of new experiences and reflections while squirming under Ms Jones’ manipulation.

Have fun with this!

Curiously; is there a cathartic element to your writing erotica in a religious setting? I ask because I found it very useful for myself psychologically to exorcise some old demons from an abusive past.

Yeah, you’re totally right! Thanks

And yes haha you caught me. I was raised in a very religious setting so this is a bit therapeutic in a way xD

 

[Celticlight]

Hi!

Here’s my newest story. I’d love to get some feedback on it.

https://www.literotica.com/s/ms-jones-interrogates-joey

I’ve never written msub before and it’s usually not my thing but I was in the mood for it so yeah!

Let me know what you think.

I really love this And I'm surprised you've never written in that style before! There's an authenticity to it; his vulnerability and just how simultaneously shamefully and shamelessly aroused he is, let alone the calm authority that she has.

It's so evocative, and manages to convey the whole story (and a nice final moment of allure/intrigue) in all the right detail but while still being very short and engaging - and without feeling rushed in the slightest.

So yes, I hope there'll be further chapters! And having grown up in a religious school, I can appreciate the conflict/torment/guilt being toyed with so effortlessly

 

[ChuckWolf]

Great job on a very sexy story!

 

[Coquetteprincess]

I really love this And I'm surprised you've never written in that style before! There's an authenticity to it; his vulnerability and just how simultaneously shamefully and shamelessly aroused he is, let alone the calm authority that she has.

It's so evocative, and manages to convey the whole story (and a nice final moment of allure/intrigue) in all the right detail but while still being very short and engaging - and without feeling rushed in the slightest.

So yes, I hope there'll be further chapters! And having grown up in a religious school, I can appreciate the conflict/torment/guilt being toyed with so effortlessly

Thank you SO much for your feedback!! Im so pleased that it came across exactly as I hoped it would

I’m already working on chapter two. Hopefully it’ll have the same effect on u!

 

[Coquetteprincess]

Great job on a very sexy story!

Thank you very much!

 

[Hodes101]

I liked it. Short, sweet, and a fantasy I'd love to enjoy.

 

[BiteMyLip]

Loved it. Definitely took me back to my own past as an inexperienced youth having immoral thoughts of women. A habit I don’t appear to have grown out of.

 

[Presider]

Hi!

Here’s my newest story. I’d love to get some feedback on it.

https://www.literotica.com/s/ms-jones-interrogates-joey

I’ve never written msub before and it’s usually not my thing but I was in the mood for it so yeah!

Let me know what you think.

I never would’ve guessed this was written by someone who doesn’t usually write msub. The general area of of femdom is my favourite, and this was really impressive. Most stories struggle to build this level of sexual tension over two or three pages but this felt effortless. You also managed to establish a great deal of exposition with very little space and time taken up doing so.

Five stars from a femdom fan.

 

[Presider]

️️️️️
A fun short piece. It seems like it was written to be intentionally short, which on one hand makes it quick and accessible but on the other hand leaves me wanting more about the characters and on going situation. “Leave ‘em wanting more”?

It works as erotic fiction in the religious setting with Joey’s internal conflict and difficulty in reconciling what’s happening and how he gets caught up in the passion, but there are a couple of minor details which need more explanation to maintain verisimilitude:

* While it works for erotica, the church lady - Ms Jones’ pencil skirt doesn’t quite set right for someone in charge of religious missionaries - not in my religious background anyway.

* Joey, as a seemingly insecure young church missionary would be a tighty-whitey guy.

The depth of Joey’s character could easily carry momentum into a longer piece.

Haha I wish I’d read this before writing my own comment because the underwear thing also jumped out at me. I didn’t even realise I was picturing him in tighty-whiteys until it was described otherwise

 

[Coquetteprincess]

I never would’ve guessed this was written by someone who doesn’t usually write msub. The general area of of femdom is my favourite, and this was really impressive. Most stories struggle to build this level of sexual tension over two or three pages but this felt effortless. You also managed to establish a great deal of exposition with very little space and time taken up doing so.

Five stars from a femdom fan.

This is such a wonderful compliment, thank you sooo much!!! I really appreciate the feedback!! I guess I’ve found my niche with the msub stuff hopefully the sexual tension can carry over to my next chapter which is almost done!

 

[Coquetteprincess]

Haha I wish I’d read this before writing my own comment because the underwear thing also jumped out at me. I didn’t even realise I was picturing him in tighty-whiteys until it was described otherwise

Oh my goodness. I wish I could edit the story!!! I really screwed up with the underwear choice! Don’t worry, he’s wearing tighty-whiteys in chapter two!

I don’t know why I didn’t think of that! Hahaha.

 

[Presider]

This is such a wonderful compliment, thank you sooo much!!! I really appreciate the feedback!! I guess I’ve found my niche with the msub stuff hopefully the sexual tension can carry over to my next chapter which is almost done!

Yesss my next question was going to be…part 2?

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

Oh my goodness. I wish I could edit the story!!! I really screwed up with the underwear choice! Don’t worry, he’s wearing tighty-whiteys in chapter two!

I don’t know why I didn’t think of that! Hahaha.

Coquetteprincess, I think we can edit stories after publishing, can't we? Let me double check that...

I don't know if you're still looking for feedback now in December but I'll gladly read your story just for the fun of it.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

Just started reading your story! If you are still looking for feedback this week, I could have some thoughts ready later this week.

 

[Coquetteprincess]

Just letting you all know that part two is published!

https://www.literotica.com/s/ms-jones-punishes-joey