Feedback on story.

TightsDude

Virgin
Joined
May 1, 2017
Posts
5
Story link-https://www.literotica.com/s/hosiery-holiness-ch-01

I'd like to get some feedback on this story since I'm planning on turning this into a series and I want to improve. This is the first story I've been able to complete in several years. It's both a mother-son incest and fetish story. For the most part, I'm happy with how it turned out, other than forgetting to remove some parts from the Word document and a few minor details (I've already sent an edited version to correct those). However there's a big info dump at the end that I'm unsure on. I know that too much exposition can be bad, but I needed to provide some character context for the mother and I didn't want to make the story too much longer than it already was, especially after the sex scene.
 
I assume one of your edits was to remove the "Tags:" line from the story itself?

In my humble opinion, you're doing something I also do: writing more details than the story really needs. I always end up removing 25% of what I write when I edit a story. The story opens:
Heather entered Daniel's Place. It was a large restaurant, well maintained and good quality, but not too upscale. Good prices as well, although money was not a concern for her. It was the perfect place for a nice casual dinner with family. She walked up to the waiter staffing the front.
You could remove that entire paragraph and the story would still work.

You're doing a lot of "tell don't show". Most writers (and readers) seem to prefer to have things shown.

Why not just start with this?
"Heather Macintosh, reservation for two."The waiter led her to a small table by the big bay window that looked out on a little neighborhood park.

Heather saw Harold walk into the restaurant. He was wearing a dark blue suit. He noticed her and walked over to the table. "Hi Mom," he said, with a hint of nervousness in his voice.
You say, "I needed to provide some character context for the mother ..." Really, you don't. There's no requirement to squeeze all the information about her into Chapter One of a series. Let it come up in conversations later, or have her think about it when it is important to the story.

Sorry if this feels too critical.

-Annie
 
I assume one of your edits was to remove the "Tags:" line from the story itself?

Yeah, leaving that in was stupid of me. I've made a mental note to delete those from the document as soon as I have the draft saved on my profile.

You say, "I needed to provide some character context for the mother ..." Really, you don't. There's no requirement to squeeze all the information about her into Chapter One of a series. Let it come up in conversations later, or have her think about it when it is important to the story.

You're right, that's what I should have done. I was thinking that I needed to because I'm planning on having a different viewpoint character for each chapter, but I could have easily done so in the second chapter which is from the son's perspective.

Sorry if this feels too critical.

No problem, I have a thick skin.

Thanks for the feedback.
 
You're right, that's what I should have done. I was thinking that I needed to because I'm planning on having a different viewpoint character for each chapter, but I could have easily done so in the second chapter which is from the son's perspective.
Well, also, the son knows about his mother! You could have him think about her being financially well-off without just saying it in explanatory text. Maybe even make it show both their situations, maybe, "I feel like I should pick up the check for dinner, but we can both afford it, and she really likes buying me things."

-Annie
 
Back
Top