Hello everyone. I guess I have sort of a problem. I was wondering if anyone has any comments, suggestions, tips, etc, on how I can get and keep a woman/girlfriend. Some people say that I am too nice of a guy. Others say that I am just not looking in the right places. I have been told that I am a very attractive guy. Could it be that I live in the North East and I am Black?Anyone care to help with this? Thanks!
Finding and getting women
- Thread starter kindeecop
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SweetErika
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I doubt race has anything to do with it.. Is it possible you're looking too hard and appearing desperate? And/or you lack confidence? Women don't like desperation and a lack of confidence.
Also, what kind of relationship are you seeking? Where have you been looking for women? Have the women you've been with broken up with you? If so, did they give you a reason? Do you have a fair number of female friends? Why do you think your kindness is an impediment?
Also, what kind of relationship are you seeking? Where have you been looking for women? Have the women you've been with broken up with you? If so, did they give you a reason? Do you have a fair number of female friends? Why do you think your kindness is an impediment?
chylo
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hey kindeecop, I'm a white guy and in the same boat that you're in. In fact I was thinking of starting a similar thread... Anyway... You say that you're from the North East, and I'm not sure but I do think that has something to do with the situation, but that's not all there is too it. I think I appear too desparate sometimes. I also feel like my two long relationships (one that was 2 years and one that was 2 months) were just excuses for the girls to use me. I just get that feeling because things change from everything being good, to horrible in a blink of the eye. And in the last relationship she started dating a friend of hers that just re-entered her life about 2 weeks after she dumped me. I wish I some advice for you. I think it could be the women we're finding, and the feeling that we're too nice... aka that there's something wrong with us. I just think that turns the ladies off. Maybe try and do something to boost your ego so you don't feel that way anymore. Getting into a relationship with someone just because they show you attention isn't the way to do that though... (that's my problem sometimes, not saying it's yours)
Hi kindeecop
I don't make any claims to be an expert, but from what I've seen one of the things that can turn women off is when a man projects a lack of self confidence.
The following could be completely wrong for you, but:
You don't have to behave like an egomaniac to act confident with women. Just try not to mother them, don't call them too much, and don't try to 'impress' them by catering to their every whim. Have your own opinion, and especially when meeting someone who makes you a bit nervous inside, don't be afraid to disagree with her- on politics, where to eat, what is the best car, anything other than acting like a puppy dog.
In other words, be yourself. Don't be the guy who's bending over backwards to pick a chick up.
Best of luck!
G
I don't make any claims to be an expert, but from what I've seen one of the things that can turn women off is when a man projects a lack of self confidence.
The following could be completely wrong for you, but:
You don't have to behave like an egomaniac to act confident with women. Just try not to mother them, don't call them too much, and don't try to 'impress' them by catering to their every whim. Have your own opinion, and especially when meeting someone who makes you a bit nervous inside, don't be afraid to disagree with her- on politics, where to eat, what is the best car, anything other than acting like a puppy dog.
In other words, be yourself. Don't be the guy who's bending over backwards to pick a chick up.
Best of luck!
G
SweetErika
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Super advice from chylo and gallow. Don't stop being a nice guy either...in fact, you can use that as one of your best traits to build confidence. Think, 'I'm a super guy who treats women well and has a lot to offer...I'm a great catch, and any woman would be lucky to have me.'
Kindness + confidence = the perfect partner.
Kindness + confidence = the perfect partner.
Seattle1120
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I was in the same boat, once upon a time.
I was a late bloomer, physically and emotionally. When I was in my 20's, I was tall and gangly with a chicken neck. Emotionally I was clueless on many, many levels - especially on how to do with both men AND women. Consequently, I didn't do well with women at all, and I once went more than four years without having sex at all (in fact, I have a story pending on this board that describes just how this skein ended). That changed when I began to grow into my own, and also started growing my hair out. I was in a new city, didn't know many people, and I could be whoever I wanted to be. Before I knew it, women were approaching me! At first I didn't realize why they were approaching me and on a few occasions, I looked a gift horse in the mouth. When I finally clued in to what was happening, the less I did, the more positive attention from women I got. The more attention I got, the better I felt about myself, which made me more confident, and got me more favorable attention. The end result was that in two years, I had sex with three times as many women as I had been with prior to that involuntary celibacy. The less I looked, the more I got. Eventually I settled down and had actual relationships, but even there, the less effort I put into it, the better I did.
So the moral of the story - this one at least - is "less is more."
Hope that helps.
I was a late bloomer, physically and emotionally. When I was in my 20's, I was tall and gangly with a chicken neck. Emotionally I was clueless on many, many levels - especially on how to do with both men AND women. Consequently, I didn't do well with women at all, and I once went more than four years without having sex at all (in fact, I have a story pending on this board that describes just how this skein ended). That changed when I began to grow into my own, and also started growing my hair out. I was in a new city, didn't know many people, and I could be whoever I wanted to be. Before I knew it, women were approaching me! At first I didn't realize why they were approaching me and on a few occasions, I looked a gift horse in the mouth. When I finally clued in to what was happening, the less I did, the more positive attention from women I got. The more attention I got, the better I felt about myself, which made me more confident, and got me more favorable attention. The end result was that in two years, I had sex with three times as many women as I had been with prior to that involuntary celibacy. The less I looked, the more I got. Eventually I settled down and had actual relationships, but even there, the less effort I put into it, the better I did.
So the moral of the story - this one at least - is "less is more."
Hope that helps.
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Thanks everyone for all of your help. Erika, I do think that I am a great guy, very much so. I treat the women that I am with like queens, but for some reason, they always leave for the "bad boy" type of guys. I will never change who I am, I am me and that is it. I wish that I could find a woman who would like all of that and love me for who I am. Any takers? 
SweetErika
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kindeecop said:Thanks everyone for all of your help. Erika, I do think that I am a great guy, very much so. I treat the women that I am with like queens, but for some reason, they always leave for the "bad boy" type of guys. I will never change who I am, I am me and that is it. I wish that I could find a woman who would like all of that and love me for who I am. Any takers?
I'm sure there will be lots of takers in the near future! I'm guilty of going for the bad boy type too...in fact, I had to fight myself to stay with my now-husband...I didn't know what to do with someone who treated me so well! We're used to be used and abused, so that's what we tend to go for, although most of us come to our senses at some point. You WILL be rewarded for your kindness, guarenteed!
MissTaken
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I mean no offense
How old are these ladies that you speak of, kindecop?
It has been my observation that women in their early to mid twenties seem to be more attracted to the passion that evolves from conflict rather than the comfort and security of decent men.
I am just guessing, but it seems that your concerns are similar to many men who are trying to date young women.
I would NOT suggest you try to create that passion by being something you are not, but rather, be patient. The right lady could be around the corner. When you click with the right one, you will know it.
How old are these ladies that you speak of, kindecop?
It has been my observation that women in their early to mid twenties seem to be more attracted to the passion that evolves from conflict rather than the comfort and security of decent men.
I am just guessing, but it seems that your concerns are similar to many men who are trying to date young women.
I would NOT suggest you try to create that passion by being something you are not, but rather, be patient. The right lady could be around the corner. When you click with the right one, you will know it.
Thank you very much for you opinion. I am myself in my late 20's and the women that I am dating are in their early to mid 20's so that is the age that I am dealing with. I find that the ones that I have dated do not seem to know what they want, while I have a pretty good idea. I have not dated an older woman (older then me that is) simply because I have not found one that I have clicked with or if I have then she is already married! That may be what I have to do though, look for someone who knows what they want. Thanks for all of yoru help and opinions. Do others feel the same way about women in the early-mid 20's? Is that just a common thing?
SweetErika
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kindeecop said:
Bearing in mind every woman is different, I think it is more common for women in their mid-late twenties and older to know what they want and be sick of the games. You certainly shouldn't discriminate based on age, but you might want to look in a slightly higher age bracket.
ReadyOne
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I found many women in their late 20's early 30's coming "back on the market" from divorce. You need to find out where they are in their recovery and how fast it's progressing, and you may end up with a pre-made family.
But saying all that, I still found several excellent women. Some had gotten fed up with the bad boy they married, others finaly "woke up" and found themselves, or their partner didn't step up to the responsability of children...
A good place to look is the local pre-schools. No, not for the little ones, but for the mothers dropping them off because they haave to work because they're single.
They also network a lot, and if you can tap in you may find several good leads.
But saying all that, I still found several excellent women. Some had gotten fed up with the bad boy they married, others finaly "woke up" and found themselves, or their partner didn't step up to the responsability of children...
A good place to look is the local pre-schools. No, not for the little ones, but for the mothers dropping them off because they haave to work because they're single.
They also network a lot, and if you can tap in you may find several good leads.
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