Finding Our Way Back

[xxerikamariexx]

Erika Smith was in a questionable place in her life. Within the last year, she broke up with the man she thought she'd be with for the rest of her life, she lost her best friend and another relationship just ended. Mike was the love of her life. She almost fell in love with him instantly. He made her laugh and the times they spent together were the best times. But he had an ex, Brittany, it wasn't that Erika didn't trust Mike, she didn't trust Brittany. Finally she had enough. She just couldn't take it. She ended things with Mike and it was the hardest thing she ever did. She loved him. He was the first man she ever loved.

The unfortunate part was that they still had the same friends. So one night, she gets invited to some birthday bash. She thought about bailing but the party was for a friend of hers so she put on some dark blue dress she had in her closet for occassions like this. She showed up at the restaurant and she spotted him right away. She should have known he'd be here. There was Mike standing at the bar with some mutual friends. It was hard for her to see him. He was the love of her life at one point and part of her knew he always would be.

She took a deep breath, she made her way to the opposite end of the bar and ordered a margarita. She'd need it tonight.

OOC: sample PM please

 

[Indarkestknight]

It'd been a hard couple of months recently. The breakup hadn't been fun, and now he was still here, still picking up the pieces. It was still hard to get out, to do things. When Drew had asked him to play wingman at his birthday bash, it'd been that or drinking beer and watching cable porn. This was better, but Mike had also known the risk. Drew had always been more Erika's friend than his. They'd gone to college together, and they were pretty tight.

When Erika showed up, Mike wasn't surprised. He was still a bit awestruck. She was still as beautiful as she had been on that day in the rain, when the two of them had argued for the millionth time about Brittany. It still choked him up a bit to see her, to know she was gone.

It made him hurt so baddly inside, that it felt like shards of glass in his heart. It was like apart of him was empty, with the rest of him thrown in the gutter. It felt like shit.

Didn't help that she looked amazing, done up with makeup, and pretty in that one blue dress that always drove him crazy. It was like she'd stepped out of last year, right back into his heart after having torn it to shred. It hurt like hell to look at, and he couldn't stand to do it. Not for one more moment.

Instead Mike turned back to the bartender, tapping a finger on the bar for emphasis as he spoke. He also slapped Drew on the shoulder, trying to get some of the good vibes back from his friend, who was already a bit toasted, and happy to be there.

"Shot of tequila man, straight up. Oh, and one for the birthday boy too, we're celebrating right?"

He tried to smile, but there was a tightness in his features, as he thought of her, so far away, and yet so close.

 

[xxerikamariexx]

She should have known that Mike would have been here. That alone should have deterred her from coming to this birthday bash. Nobody wouldn't have noticed if she didn't attend. Okay, maybe Drew would because they went to school together a few years back but that was beside the point. Seeing Mike was like a knife right in the heart. They had the same friends so it was just a matter of time, really, until she ran into him. He was the love of her life. Well, he was. Things were good, great even at times, but their fights became intense about Brittany. It wasn't that Erika didn't trust Mike. She knew, at the time, he loved her, it was Brittany she didn't trust. Erika always had this gut feeling that if Brittany threw herself at Mike, he couldn't resist and she couldn't deal with that in the back of her mind all the time.

The day she ended things with Mike for good. It was probably the single worst day of her life. It had been weeks coming but the day they ended it all, it shattered her. She was never the type to let any man dictate her feelings but losing Mike...it crushed her. And seeing him again just brought her back to the day where he loaded up a few boxes into his car and drove out of her driveway for the last time.

But tonight wasn't about her. It wasn't about Mike. It was about Drew, their mutual friend. It would be hard but she'd have to put on a brave face, at least for tonight. She took a sip of her margarita, as the night went on she figured she might need something a little stronger. She didn't like being in such close proximity to Mike, so she took her drink and stepped out onto the patio. Drew was busy at the moment so no one would miss her if she stepped out for a minute, or five.

 

[Indarkestknight]

Drew was having a grand old time, but Mike couldn't say the same. She was still at the edges of his mind, and every time he looked around, it seemed he saw her again. Typical, in the weeks after their breakup, that'd been every day, every night. At the market, driving home from work, even when he worked up the courage to go to a movie by himself. It was always something, a laugh off to the side, her face in a mirror. In some ways, he didn't even know if she was really there, or if was just his mind playing tricks on him. It didn't really matter in the end.

When at last he saw her step outside, he breathed a sigh of relief, thinking for just a moment that she'd left, that maybe he could relax. Even then, it was an false hope, as he recognized the door she'd gone out. It was the way onto the patio, and unless she planned on flying out of the restaurant, it wasn't likely she'd be leaving that way. Anyway, he could understand the way she felt. Probably about the same as he did.

He almost left it at that, indeed a large part of him would have been very happy with that resolution. After all, he thought to himself, she had left him. It wasn't like being miserable had been his choice. He knew the truth though, that he could have tried harder, could have made her understand what Brittany meant to him. It might have been futile, but he could have done that. The truth was, he'd been tired of it, tired of trying to make her understand, of the little games they'd played.

Maybe in some ways, he'd thought she'd be happier like this, that they'd both be happier alone. Fucking stupid of him. Now they were both alone, and what a riot thinking of happiness was now. He was miserable, and she looked the same. Maybe...Maybe...Maybe.

A stupid word. All it ever meant, was what didn't happen.

All at once, he was done with maybe. Done with thinking this bullshit out, with avoiding the issue. Maybe what they really needed was to has this out, to talk again. After a year, it couldn't hurt.

Hardened by resolve, and perhaps a bit of Jose, Mike moved off the barstool, making a beeline around the crowded tables, and following her out onto the patio, where the darkened sky was a heavy black tapestry over the myriad vines and plants around the courtyard. The only real source of light, was the broad window facing down the hillside to the city proper, little tonight like stars.

Mike didn't know where to begin, so he aimed for mildest topic he could find, the weather.

"I hear its going to rain again."

 

[xxerikamariexx]

The first few months without Mike were the worst, almost painful. She was independant by nature and she still was but those first few months were almost torture. It was as if part of her heart was missing. Things had gotten better recently but there was still part of her that missed him. He was her first love. The only man she could envision herself spending time with for many years to come. And when that all crashed and burned, she didn't know how to feel about it. Sure, she went on a few dates after Mike but it wasn't the same. Nothing would ever feel as pure as her love for him did.

She threw herself into her work so that helped on a minor level. But the weekends were the worst. She would spend those days running errands, getting stuff ready for the week ahead but the quietness of her rather large apartment was almost deafening at night. She hated that. And even after all these months later, she didn't get used to it. She hated the quiet. She hated how empty her apartment felt. How empty she felt without him.

She was just staring out into the city. She wanted these feelings to stop. She thought by now that he would be an after thought. That she would stop caring about him but that wasn't the case. It was cool out on the patio and she just stared aimlessly. She took a sip of her drink. She didn't know how much time had passed, and it really didn't matter at this point.

She heard his voice. She closed her eyes, swallowed hard, she would know that voice anywhere. It was painful to here but also nice, having missed his voice. She didn't turn to face him. She stood still, admiring the clear sky of the evening.

"Yeah...it's gotten cooler." She said. She remembered the last major fight they had. It was about Brittany of course. It had poured that day, it had poured almost that whole week. That was the day her world seemed to crumble. She lost the man she loved.

"Seems like Drew is enjoying himself..."

 

[Indarkestknight]

Safely on the topic of their mutual friend, Mike responded with more enthusiasm, moving to stand beside her, looking at the cityscape. For the moment he was content with that view, looking at he was still painful, even on friendly terms. Instead he focused on the night light, sharing his amusement at the mutual friend, keeping things carefully neutral from them.

"You know Drew, put a few shots in him, and he's riding high. Probably going to be sick as a dog tomorrow. Man can't stand his liquor. Remember that time we all went out clubbing, and I ended up carrying back to the car?"

Mike laughed then, for the first time in God knew how long. That had always been the great thing about Erika, she'd always been there to laugh with, to turn things around.

As if to contradict his thoughts, he heard the sound of thunder overhead, as if of something ominous or momentous was on the horizon. Probably about to them both out, with his luck. Couldn't make this night any more of a downer.

"You know he and Brittany dated, for like a month last year, after us. She dumped him when she found a new job out east. Left us high and dry. Guess you were right, in a way. She wasn't worth it."

He couldn't quite keep the bitterness out of his voice with the last note, as he thought about her leaving. All that time, all those arguments they'd had over her, and she'd just ditched him the first chance she'd got. Some friend, he hadn't even gotten a text from her in over a month.

What he didn't say, at least not then, is that Brittany had come onto him hard and fast after the breakup, that she'd tried to make a play for him. The truth was though, he'd never felt that way about her. She'd been a friend, and thats all she'd ever been to him.

Drew knew, but he'd promised never to breathe a word about it. He'd better not either, or Mike would have been obliged to kick his ass.

 

[xxerikamariexx]

She laughed when Mike mentioned the time Drew was so drunk off his ass. She remembered her and Mike having to practically carry Drew to their car to get him home. She had a lot of good memories like that with Mike but then there were the not so good ones, the ones that revolved around Brittany and the many fights they had because of her.

She thought it would make her feel better to know that she was right about Brittany. That she was so self absorbed and didn't have many brain cells in that head of hers. But it didn't. The damage was done and as much as she liked that she was right about her, it didn't make her feel better. She had lost Mike and the reason now didn't even matter. But she was glad that Brittany was out of town because Erika knew if she had ever ran into her in town, she might just have a few choice words for her.

"You might have to keep an eye on Drew. We don't need a repeat of the night we could barely get him into your car." She laughed a little. It was nice to be able to smile and laugh again but she knew it was only temporary. There was so much pain and hurt that still remained. But despite that, she liked to remember happier times, the times where they were completely in love with one another.

 

[Indarkestknight]

Mike smiled at her words, shrugging off her warning. The truth of the matter was, with all the partying going on Drew would find his way home, or more likely to another girl's bed, no problem. Kid always knew how to land on his feet.

Thats better than Mike could say for himself. He stood there with her for a moment then, letting the silence drag on, listening instead to the sounds of the city outside, trying to find words, any words at all, to fill the dead spot in their conversation. After a long moment is was broken, not by his words, but by a low rumble across the skies, as the clouds above them let go, letting the fall below. It was like how rain fell in movies. It was not a slow, soft increase in tempo, but a large, oncoming rush that seemed to fill the air with a dull, continuing roar.

For just a moment, Mike thought about stepping inside, sparing himself the water, but for some reason he could not find effort to move, to stray from that place and time. Thoughts of their time together rushed back, as the rain came, forming a tumult inside and out; consuming him. He smiled then, sadly, and met her eyes for the first time, in that way they always had exchanged glances. Not caring about the rain as he spoke, moving closer to her, needing to be that much closer to her.

There wasn't any poetry to what he said, for poetry had left him. All that was left were those three words, which every abandoned lover feels, deep to their very core.

"I miss you."

He smiled, more sadly now, the rain washing away the last year, as he let himself feel the moment, transporting them back to that day, almost the very hour. He found himself saying what he had thought of on that night, that dark night without her.

"She was never worth losing you. Never."

 

[xxerikamariexx]

She could feel a shift in the weather and before she knew it, the skies opened up. Usually she'd move inside as quick as she possibly could but right now it didn't matter. She planned on going home soon anyway. Coming to this "party" was a mistake, given the fact that she was almost certain Mike would be here and low and behold he was. Even though it was raining hard, it wasn't cold. The air was still warm so the rain on her face, on her skin, it felt almost refreshing. She reached up and brushed the longer strands of her bangs away from her eyes. She hated those damn bangs but she just hadn't gotten rid of them.

She didn't have to look at him to feel him stepping closer. Even in the midst of the rain, she could smell his cologne. And she heard those three words, those three words she had been waiting for, for such a long time. They stung her heart. It hurt to hear that now. So much had changed. She had tried dating here and there but it never went past a second date. Partly because her heart would forever belong to Mike but also because she didn't want to get involved so deeply ever again. Losing Mike crushed her and she couldn't do that again. She refused to.

"Mike, don't. Just don't." She said. She closed her eyes, feeling tears start to come. She refused to let him see her be weak. She took a deep breath, none of it mattered. How she still felt about him didn't matter. It didn't matter that Brittany was 3,000 miles away.

"It doesn't matter. None of it matters." She said. She didn't care that the rain was falling hard. Who cares if she got sick? She was going to drink a shit ton of hard alcohol when she got home.

 

[Indarkestknight]

Now, in this moment, he wants to do a thousand things. To kiss her, to turn from her, to run away, to say something. Anything to fill this space, to keep the moment going for even a second longer. Its too much, too hard to reach past his own pain, to try and bridge the gap. Its like trying to plug a hole with sand. As much as he tries to bucket it in, it simply washes away.

He honestly doesn't know what to do. What to say in this moment. He knows they are standing at the edge of something, but he's too drunk, and too tired, and too sick to death of being sad to know what to say, what he needs to do to bridge the gap.

In the end, he does what he always did when she cried. He reaches up, softly cupping her cheek in his hand, wiping away the tear with his thumb, pushing into the trails of rain that have begun to run across her beautiful face. Her beautiful, sad, lonely face. Just like his own.

He considers what she said, trying in vain to unlock the magical words that will make it all better, failing to do so, as he always has. Words are not his strength, actions are. Instead he moves still closer to her, until they are face to face, and he reaches down, to brush the bangs away from her eyes. When he speaks, his words seem hollow, inadequate to the task, to making her see him as new again, to fixing whats broken again.

"Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe we'll never happen, and we're going to be miserable for the rest of our lives, and we'll grow old and bitter, and die alone...but I don't want that, and I don't think you do either. Just give us tonight, please. Let me hold you in your arms, and tell you it'll be okay...because maybe it will be, together."

 

[xxerikamariexx]

She knew this whole thing was an awful idea. She knew she shouldn't come here. If she didn't see Mike, she didn't have to deal with her feelings. She could just keep burying them in her work, in alcohol, in mindless TV shows. But when she saw him, it made everything real. It honestly felt like a knife in her heart. Mike was the only man she felt a connection with. She had been involved with men before Mike but it was never on the level she felt with him. It was something on a level all its' own. Meeting Mike was the best thing to ever happen to her despite everything that had happened between them. Despite how much Britney had come between them.

She felt the way he cupped her face and that made things worse. She was trying so hard to fight tears. He cupped her face like he did so many other times. Whenever she was having a bad day or when life just seemed to be taking a toll on her. She couldn't look into his eyes. Having him here was bad enough. She missed him. Everything about him. The way he'd fall asleep on her shoulder as they would watch some movie that he wasn't all that interested in.

"Mike..." She whispered, leaning her forehead against his. She closed her eyes. She hated how this felt. How all of this felt. She wanted to make it stop. Despite everything, being close to him still gave her a level of comfort.

"Drew probably needs you...." She said. Hoping that might get in to retreat inside. She let out a deep breath, hating how seeing him brought back all these damned emotions.

 

[Indarkestknight]

He felt her head against his own, and in spite of the moment he couldn't help a ghost of a smile. It reminded him of a thousand different times when their heads had smacked into one another. Stupid things like when they'd both reached down to pick up a fallen paper, or they had both gone in for the soap at the same time. It was a silly memory, but one that still carried a great weight for him. It helped him remember the good times, as well leave the past where it belonged.

When she brought up Drew, it hurt his smile, if only just a little. He'd been focused on her, on them, that he'd almost forgotten their mutual friend. It was a low blow to bring things back to a less personal level, but he knew she was right. They did need to think about Drew, and more specifically about what sort of issues he could get into without them around to smooth things over. Drew enjoyed his drinking, and after a certain point that could become an issue.

Stepping away from her, just a bit, he nodded his assent, and gestured inside. He hated to say the words, but he knew in his heart she was only thinking of what was best for Drew.

"You're probably right Erika...we should check up on him. Come inside with me, I'll buy you another drink. I think you're margarita is a little bit soggy now."

He held out a hand, hoping that she'd take it, that should reach that far, and maybe, just maybe, that they could start to bridge the gap. He missed her so much, and right now what he wanted more than anything, was to have her close again.

Besides, with Drew working interference, maybe they could stop things from getting too morose. It was probably a bad idea to dwell on that kind of thing. Better to keep it light, and work on this gradually.

 

[xxerikamariexx]

She had a similar memory. Soon after Mike moved into her place with her, they became redecorating, painting and just redoing everyone to make the place theirs instead of hers. One afternoon she remembered quite clearly, they were painting the porch, their clothes covered in paint before rain came out of nowhere. It would seem like that day was wasted but it wasn't, there were so many laughs that day and despite everything and anything bad that happened since then, she'd always remember that day like it happened just yesterday.

"I was going to just go home but that would be nice. I didn't get much out of this drink anyway." She let a soft smile curve over her lips. She didn't know why but she took his hand that he offered her. She slipped her fingers in between the spaces between his. She knew they could be mending things or this just might be a way for them to at least try to be friendly after everything that happened between them.

She still felt so much for him. She wished she didn't. She thought by now she'd hate him for everything, for everything that went wrong between them but it was like part of her felt empty without him. He was the first man she ever gave her heart to completely and that feeling never went away.

 

[Indarkestknight]

Mike led her back to the bar, taking her soft hand in his as he walked inside, feeling ten feet tall, just from having her beside him. When the arrived back at Drew, they found him just as they'd left him. Partying hard with his other friends, passing around a plate full of shots. He was ragged, and a little bit unsteady, and clearly having way too much fun.

Mike abstained for more hard liquor, instead asking the bartender for two more margaritas, and then sitting beside Drew at the now heavily crowded bar. Drew, showing surprising clarity for his level of alcohol abuse, slapped Mike on the back, and grinned when he saw their clasped hands.

"Knew you two would find each other again. Why I set you two up, to come here tonight."

Mike shakes his head, correcting him as best he can, without hurting his own chances for redemption. It'd be just like Drew to accidentally screw up his own master plan.

"No, we just had a chance to talk. We're not back together quite yet...but I'm filing an appeal."

Mike turned back to her at the last, smiling slowly. The party atmosphere would hopefully work on both of their moods, even if the air conditioning and their damp clothes weren't the best combination.

 

[xxerikamariexx]

It felt nice to be back inside because it had gotten a little chilly outside in the rain. It seemed liked the number of people in here doubled since she first went outside. She probably wouldn't stay much longer. She was never a fan of big crowds especially drunken ones. She smiled as she took the margarita that Mike had bought her. She knew it wouldn't be long until Drew approached them. And right on cue he did. She heard his smart ass comment, typical for him when he was drinking. She didn't hear Mike's reply as it seemed to get a little louder as Drew's party guests got a bit more rowdy.

"Remind me to kick his ass when he's sober." She smiled a little. Drew had always been a good friend to her even in their college days. And even though he was friends with Mike, he always listened to her when she was really having a hard time with their breakup.

She let out a content sigh. Even if she and Mike never got back together, she'd be okay with having him as a friend in her life. She didn't like them not being at least friendly. He had been part of her life for so long that even if they could no longer be romantically involved, she'd consider herself lucky to just have him as a friend.

 

[Indarkestknight]

Mike shared a chuckle with Erika over Drew's matchmaking skills, knowing well that they would only backfire in this case. With luck his hint toward Drew would get him to shut the hell up about it, and give Erika and he a chance to actually talk. Sometimes just talking about things worked better.

Or try to talk anyway. The bar was getting noisier by the moment. Yelling slightly to make himself heard over the raucus laughter and louder music, Mike decided to start small. Focussing on what might have changed in their year apart. For him, it'd been more of the same, but maybe she'd moved up in the world.

"You still with the same company? I know they were after you for a promotion for a while there, some sort of company gofer or something?"

Honestly, he barely remembered the job offer. Only that Erika had viewed it with the same disposition she might have used in handling a dangerous viper. As near as he could tell, she'd always been happy with her job, and moving up in the world hadn't appealed to her so much.

"I got promoted to site lead for that security gig. Not bad, pays still crap, but at least I don't have to break up bum fights anymore. I moved after you left. Its one of the new apartments on Richmond. Not bad."

Moving had been a mistake. He'd thought he could outrun her by changing apartments, going away from the place with so many memories. Instead leaving had just confronted him with a blank house, empty of any meaning, as blank and empty as he had felt. He'd kept her things though, those few small items she hadn't taken with her, or had Drew pick up. There was a soft scarf, a paperback novel, and a couple of her CDs. Just pieces of her, but they helped a little.