First time writer and feedback. Please!!

[EroticBengali]

Hi all,

I have written my first story. I would absolutely love your honest feedback and opinions on it all.

I have no experience so apologies if it lacks professionalism.
Based on a hijabi woman having her first post divorce sexual encounter

https://www.literotica.com/s/rana-the-hijabi

Thank you!!

 

[StillStunned]

This isn't in any way a comprehensive review, or even detailed feedback. But I think we as a Lit community should be a bit more supportive to new writers when they post their first story. So this is mostly just to reassure you that your request for feedback has been seen, and hopefully someone else will come in with a better response.

I just want to say that the idea is hot. You might get more response with a more immediate opening though. When a reader clicks on one of our stories, you have their attention on credit. Something about the title or description has piqued their curiosity and they're willing to give it a go.

But they'll just as quickly click back if the story doesn't immediately grab them. It's a curious paradox of free erotica that we have to work harder than mainstream writers for our readers' approval. They want that small investment - the tiny effort of clicking on the link and reading the opening paragraphs - to yield immediate returns. They want something juicy: sex, action, witty dialogue, gorgeous writing. Something that convinces them to read one more paragraph, and another, and another.

What they don't want is dry facts. They don't want to read backstory, or physical descriptions, or a who's who. That's too much like homework. They wonder whether they have to keep track of who these strangers are, but they don't care about the characters yet. They haven't come alive in their mind yet.

That's your first challenge when writing a new story: engaging the reader's fickle attention so they keep reading until they care.

I hope that this is clear. And I hope that you realise that it's not a universal truth. It's just a trick that's worked for me, and for other writers. We all have our own way of writing, though, and no matter what advice you get, ultimately it's your story and your decision. We all have to figure out for ourselves how we want to write, so don't let me or anyone else tell you "this is what you MUST do." It's all advice, nothing more.

Good luck!

 

[darwin1859]

Hi all,

I have written my first story. I would absolutely love your honest feedback and opinions on it all.

I have no experience so apologies if it lacks professionalism.
Based on a hijabi woman having her first post divorce sexual encounter

https://www.literotica.com/s/rana-the-hijabi

Thank you!!

@EroticBengali ,

Congratulations on your first story!

I think it's very good. Your rating right now is 4.3 and that's good. If it were a little higher, you'd be in the coveted "Hot" category. I also think you did a good job to portraying the MC as secretly eager to see his cousin nail his mum. I have some suggestions that may improve your rating:

You need to tag your stories and your tags should reflect the content. I suggest: "desi, aunt, nephew, milf, first time, divorcee, muslum, hijabi, older-younger, aunt/nephew" There are many advantages of tagging. You signal the type of story and encourage people who will like it and discourage people who will not. Also, after your story is no longer new, tags are the main way people will find your work.

You could use an editor, or even a spellchecker; some people are unduly annoyed by misspellings. And your writing doesn't strictly adhere to all the mechanics of grammar. While it's readable, I sometimes have to read it twice to understand. You should especially capitalize Ash's name, because 'ash' is a valid English noun, so that's potentially confusing. Again, not that people cannot get your meaning, but if you make them snap out of their immersion in your story, it makes the experience of reading less enjoyable and more likely some readers will deduct a star in their ratings.

I agree with other advice to start your story when something interesting is happening, or just about to happen. You started with kind of a lot of backstory. A lot of authors do that, but it's better to start with a hook. As an example of what I mean by hook, what if you started with a provocative line of dialog and then filled in the backstory later?

"She's divorced! Why don’t you fuck her, bro?" I snapped at my cousin Ash, referring to my own mum. We were tight, but hearing him talk about her like that still pissed me off. He had been saying...

And one last thing, in the lines below (and a few other places) you are telling us this. Ideally you would show us (avoid telling us) by writing out the conversation (instead of narrating a summary of the discussion):

I decided not too push it much further as he was coming round for the summer holidays later that week. We spoke again the next night. Hesitant to approach the subject I stayed quiet.

I also managed to catch up with my mum alone for the first time since ash had come. I asked if she was okay as she smiled saying it's nice ash is here. His good company.

I hope you will write more!

 

[EroticBengali]

@EroticBengali ,

Congratulations on your first story!

I think it's very good. Your rating right now is 4.3 and that's good. If it were a little higher, you'd be in the coveted "Hot" category. I also think you did a good job to portraying the MC as secretly eager to see his cousin nail his mum. I have some suggestions that may improve your rating:

You need to tag your stories and your tags should reflect the content. I suggest: "desi, aunt, nephew, milf, first time, divorcee, muslum, hijabi, older-younger, aunt/nephew" There are many advantages of tagging. You signal the type of story and encourage people who will like it and discourage people who will not. Also, after your story is no longer new, tags are the main way people will find your work.

You could use an editor, or even a spellchecker; some people are unduly annoyed by misspellings. And your writing doesn't strictly adhere to all the mechanics of grammar. While it's readable, I sometimes have to read it twice to understand. You should especially capitalize Ash's name, because 'ash' is a valid English noun, so that's potentially confusing. Again, not that people cannot get your meaning, but if you make them snap out of their immersion in your story, it makes the experience of reading less enjoyable and more likely some readers will deduct a star in their ratings.

I agree with other advice to start your story when something interesting is happening, or just about to happen. You started with kind of a lot of backstory. A lot of authors do that, but it's better to start with a hook. As an example of what I mean by hook, what if you started with a provocative line of dialog and then filled in the backstory later?


And one last thing, in the lines below (and a few other places) you are telling us this. Ideally you would show us (avoid telling us) by writing out the conversation (instead of narrating a summary of the discussion):



I hope you will write more!

This isn't in any way a comprehensive review, or even detailed feedback. But I think we as a Lit community should be a bit more supportive to new writers when they post their first story. So this is mostly just to reassure you that your request for feedback has been seen, and hopefully someone else will come in with a better response.

I just want to say that the idea is hot. You might get more response with a more immediate opening though. When a reader clicks on one of our stories, you have their attention on credit. Something about the title or description has piqued their curiosity and they're willing to give it a go.

But they'll just as quickly click back if the story doesn't immediately grab them. It's a curious paradox of free erotica that we have to work harder than mainstream writers for our readers' approval. They want that small investment - the tiny effort of clicking on the link and reading the opening paragraphs - to yield immediate returns. They want something juicy: sex, action, witty dialogue, gorgeous writing. Something that convinces them to read one more paragraph, and another, and another.

What they don't want is dry facts. They don't want to read backstory, or physical descriptions, or a who's who. That's too much like homework. They wonder whether they have to keep track of who these strangers are, but they don't care about the characters yet. They haven't come alive in their mind yet.

That's your first challenge when writing a new story: engaging the reader's fickle attention so they keep reading until they care.

I hope that this is clear. And I hope that you realise that it's not a universal truth. It's just a trick that's worked for me, and for other writers. We all have our own way of writing, though, and no matter what advice you get, ultimately it's your story and your decision. We all have to figure out for ourselves how we want to write, so don't let me or anyone else tell you "this is what you MUST do." It's all advice, nothing more.

Good luck!

Hi, and thank you so much for your response. I most certainly will be taking everything you said board. And I appreciate you taking your time out to read my story. I wanted to expand on the story so much more but being a first timer I didn't know how long it should be etc. And finding someone to proofread it before submission is hard...given no one knows I write it lol.

And I completely agree. The responses I've had from the community have encouraged me to to continue writing and now I want to start the next story.

Thanks again.

 

[EroticBengali]

@EroticBengali ,

Congratulations on your first story!

I think it's very good. Your rating right now is 4.3 and that's good. If it were a little higher, you'd be in the coveted "Hot" category. I also think you did a good job to portraying the MC as secretly eager to see his cousin nail his mum. I have some suggestions that may improve your rating:

You need to tag your stories and your tags should reflect the content. I suggest: "desi, aunt, nephew, milf, first time, divorcee, muslum, hijabi, older-younger, aunt/nephew" There are many advantages of tagging. You signal the type of story and encourage people who will like it and discourage people who will not. Also, after your story is no longer new, tags are the main way people will find your work.

You could use an editor, or even a spellchecker; some people are unduly annoyed by misspellings. And your writing doesn't strictly adhere to all the mechanics of grammar. While it's readable, I sometimes have to read it twice to understand. You should especially capitalize Ash's name, because 'ash' is a valid English noun, so that's potentially confusing. Again, not that people cannot get your meaning, but if you make them snap out of their immersion in your story, it makes the experience of reading less enjoyable and more likely some readers will deduct a star in their ratings.

I agree with other advice to start your story when something interesting is happening, or just about to happen. You started with kind of a lot of backstory. A lot of authors do that, but it's better to start with a hook. As an example of what I mean by hook, what if you started with a provocative line of dialog and then filled in the backstory later?


And one last thing, in the lines below (and a few other places) you are telling us this. Ideally you would show us (avoid telling us) by writing out the conversation (instead of narrating a summary of the discussion):



I hope you will write more!

Hey,

So I had the "HOT" tag on and off for a couple days so I did wonder what it meant. So happy to hear I made it! Especially for a first time writer.

First of all - thank you. Thank you for reading my story and thank you for writing such an in-depth review. Honestly means a lot.

I thought I did do some tags so I'm quite annoyed that it didn't work as I'm sure my story would've been of interest to a few others.

Regarding grammar and spelling - I completely agree. I'm actually embarrassed by it. I wrote this on my phone notes app late at night. Given how long it ended up to be reading it over on a phone wasn't the easiest. That's my fault. Apologies!! There's no excuses not to have names in capitals. Pure schoolboy error.

I did think that at first but in my head thought I could sort of start a whole existence for her writing multiple stories which would build as part of her life which is why I wanted this as her first experience. But point taken. I do agree.

Once again. Thank you so much for your review!! If you have any suggestions for what you want to see Rana doing. Please get in touch!

In regards to more... Rana will be losing her anal virginity and trying her first forbidden white cock all whilst playing the good girl in the community

 

[StillStunned]

So I had the "HOT" tag on and off for a couple days so I did wonder what it meant.

Just so you know, you get the red H if you have ten votes or more and the average score is 4.5 or better. So you can gain an H, lose it, regain it and so on.

Regarding grammar and spelling - I completely agree. I'm actually embarrassed by it. I wrote this on my phone notes app late at night. Given how long it ended up to be reading it over on a phone wasn't the easiest. That's my fault. Apologies!! There's no excuses not to have names in capitals. Pure schoolboy error.

The best proofreading tool is text-to-speech. Word has the Read Aloud feature, for example. It's tedious, but it forces you to see what you actually wrote, not what you think you wrote. You'll catch nearly all your typos that way, and it will help you with things like flow and consistency.

 

[darwin1859]

I thought I did do some tags so I'm quite annoyed that it didn't work as I'm sure my story would've been of interest to a few others.

Once again. Thank you so much for your review!! If you have any suggestions for what you want to see Rana doing. Please get in touch!

In regards to more... Rana will be losing her anal virginity and trying her first forbidden white cock all whilst playing the good girl in the community

A couple other things: Many readers really get off on men being cuckolded (there's also a healthy appetite for incest/incest-y topics) and your story has strong elements of this. You should try to tag your story because those readers don't have a lot of stories (or enough for their tastes) of a son being cucked by someone. Take a look at the "Looking for stories" posts about bullies fucking moms.

Know also that there's a faction disgusted by cuckoldry; you'll get up votes and down votes. It looks like you've already seen that happen.

I cannot recall if you did this, but if you want ratings and comments, ask for them At the top and a reminder at the end (when the rating form only appears on the last page).

As for what's next? Write what turns you on. I think it's erotic when there's teasing and then a chaste woman gives into her desires. So, I hope Rana has anal and loves it in the moment but then regrets it later (thinks she's been a slut), then does it again. I think when characters in stories do things during sex that they wouldn't normally, it shows how aroused they are. That's inherently erotic.

Beyond that? Maybe Rana decides she needs to start dating men her age... have a disastrous date (or a couple) and maybe some shameful, unsatisfying sex. That causes her to reluctantly make a booty call to Ash... Maybe he pressures her into doing things outside her comfort zone (ATM? Threesomes? Sex with her son? Sex in a car? Or in public?) and each time she reluctantly does it for him and loves the feeling in the moment, then regrets it, then ends up doing it again. Maybe throw a pregnancy scare in there. The readers who like incest will want the son to fuck her, and/or possibly be more bullied by Ash. Some people get off on guys cleaning up a creampie (eating it out of their wife/gf... mum, in this case).

Again, I think you have a flair for writing about the son's secret kinky desires; emphasize that strength.

Finally, you should write what turns you on.

Looking forward to your next chapter!

 

[EroticBengali]

A couple other things: Many readers really get off on men being cuckolded (there's also a healthy appetite for incest/incest-y topics) and your story has strong elements of this. You should try to tag your story because those readers don't have a lot of stories (or enough for their tastes) of a son being cucked by someone. Take a look at the "Looking for stories" posts about bullies fucking moms.

Know also that there's a faction disgusted by cuckoldry; you'll get up votes and down votes. It looks like you've already seen that happen.

I cannot recall if you did this, but if you want ratings and comments, ask for them At the top and a reminder at the end (when the rating form only appears on the last page).

As for what's next? Write what turns you on. I think it's erotic when there's teasing and then a chaste woman gives into her desires. So, I hope Rana has anal and loves it in the moment but then regrets it later (thinks she's been a slut), then does it again. I think when characters in stories do things during sex that they wouldn't normally, it shows how aroused they are. That's inherently erotic.

Beyond that? Maybe Rana decides she needs to start dating men her age... have a disastrous date (or a couple) and maybe some shameful, unsatisfying sex. That causes her to reluctantly make a booty call to Ash... Maybe he pressures her into doing things outside her comfort zone (ATM? Threesomes? Sex with her son? Sex in a car? Or in public?) and each time she reluctantly does it for him and loves the feeling in the moment, then regrets it, then ends up doing it again. Maybe throw a pregnancy scare in there. The readers who like incest will want the son to fuck her, and/or possibly be more bullied by Ash. Some people get off on guys cleaning up a creampie (eating it out of their wife/gf... mum, in this case).

Again, I think you have a flair for writing about the son's secret kinky desires; emphasize that strength.

Finally, you should write what turns you on.

Looking forward to your next chapter!

I have just submitted the second part. Genuinely excited for you to read it. Will send the link upon publish.

 

[EroticBengali]

A couple other things: Many readers really get off on men being cuckolded (there's also a healthy appetite for incest/incest-y topics) and your story has strong elements of this. You should try to tag your story because those readers don't have a lot of stories (or enough for their tastes) of a son being cucked by someone. Take a look at the "Looking for stories" posts about bullies fucking moms.

Know also that there's a faction disgusted by cuckoldry; you'll get up votes and down votes. It looks like you've already seen that happen.

I cannot recall if you did this, but if you want ratings and comments, ask for them At the top and a reminder at the end (when the rating form only appears on the last page).

As for what's next? Write what turns you on. I think it's erotic when there's teasing and then a chaste woman gives into her desires. So, I hope Rana has anal and loves it in the moment but then regrets it later (thinks she's been a slut), then does it again. I think when characters in stories do things during sex that they wouldn't normally, it shows how aroused they are. That's inherently erotic.

Beyond that? Maybe Rana decides she needs to start dating men her age... have a disastrous date (or a couple) and maybe some shameful, unsatisfying sex. That causes her to reluctantly make a booty call to Ash... Maybe he pressures her into doing things outside her comfort zone (ATM? Threesomes? Sex with her son? Sex in a car? Or in public?) and each time she reluctantly does it for him and loves the feeling in the moment, then regrets it, then ends up doing it again. Maybe throw a pregnancy scare in there. The readers who like incest will want the son to fuck her, and/or possibly be more bullied by Ash. Some people get off on guys cleaning up a creampie (eating it out of their wife/gf... mum, in this case).

Again, I think you have a flair for writing about the son's secret kinky desires; emphasize that strength.

Finally, you should write what turns you on.

Looking forward to your next chapter!

https://www.literotica.com/s/rana-the-hijabi-tries-anal-pt-02

Enjoy! (Hopefully)

 

[EroticBengali]

Hi all,

Please see my second submission - https://www.literotica.com/s/rana-the-hijabi-tries-anal-pt-02

Love to hear your reviews

Thank you

 

[darwin1859]

Hi all,

Please see my second submission - https://www.literotica.com/s/rana-the-hijabi-tries-anal-pt-02

Love to hear your reviews

Thank you

That was quick. Readers will appreciate that, and I thought this was a good second installment. It leaves the reader eager for your next post. I think some readers will miss the son's tortured narration as a cuck to his cousin. Ash also wasn't really "present" in this installment (his big cock was), but we didn't really hear from. This was all Rana's POV. Maybe the next installment should be from Ash's POV?

 

[EroticBengali]

That was quick. Readers will appreciate that, and I thought this was a good second installment. It leaves the reader eager for your next post. I think some readers will miss the son's tortured narration as a cuck to his cousin. Ash also wasn't really "present" in this installment (his big cock was), but we didn't really hear from. This was all Rana's POV. Maybe the next installment should be from Ash's POV?

Glad you liked it. And I agree. The next part Rana goes public and will be written in Ash's POV with a lot more focus on public and humiliation