UnderYourSpell
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OMG What have you been and gone and done? I was looking for Champs poem to be put into a nipple shape!
GANG BANG - A Radical Critique Thread
- Thread starter unpredictablebijou
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unpredictablebijou
Peril!
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It's really just a plain old critique thread. It can have a scandalous name cause it's in the Hangout, and we were all so bored while you were off being an international jet-setter that the penis poetry got all outta control.
bj
EilonwyKareena
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Bang away...
Sorry to say, it's not really a shape type poem.
Perhaps the muse will inspire....
unpredictablebijou
Peril!
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Bang away...
Sorry to say, it's not really a shape type poem.
Perhaps the muse will inspire....
Dear god, seriously, shape poetry is SO not necessary here. I am utterly distraught that that may have set the tone for this thread. As I say, that's 45 minutes of my life I will never get back.
The bang will begin shortly, I suspect. It's a good piece.
bj
UnderYourSpell
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unpredictablebijou
Peril!
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UnderYourSpell
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Flattery agewise will get you everywhere
UnderYourSpell
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Tied, helpless, vulnerable,
senses heightened
by covered eyes
she waits and only feels.
Spread, parted, opened
fingers probing deeply
riding the roller coaster
of sensations
plunging
faster
faster
wave upon wave
crashing
falling
dark abyss below
senses heightened
by covered eyes
she waits and only feels.
Spread, parted, opened
fingers probing deeply
riding the roller coaster
of sensations
plunging
faster
faster
wave upon wave
crashing
falling
dark abyss below
unpredictablebijou
Peril!
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oh I like that one!
But EilonwyK is still waiting for her bang. You've reminded me though that I promised to make links in the first post, so I've updated those with everyone's pieces so far.
It's kinda crazy but I hope to have some time later to put up some feedback on both pieces.
bj
But EilonwyK is still waiting for her bang. You've reminded me though that I promised to make links in the first post, so I've updated those with everyone's pieces so far.
It's kinda crazy but I hope to have some time later to put up some feedback on both pieces.
bj
EilonwyKareena
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Isn't that always the way? You start something with a clear purpose in mind, and then someone jumps in and mucks with it.
I was kidding about making my poem a shape poem. "Denim" ..... (!hm!just Freudianly typed "Penis" instead - that poem definitely fits its shape!)... anyway, Denim was wonderful and I didn't want to lower the bar, unless we were meaning to do the limbo.
I was kidding about making my poem a shape poem. "Denim" ..... (!hm!just Freudianly typed "Penis" instead - that poem definitely fits its shape!)... anyway, Denim was wonderful and I didn't want to lower the bar, unless we were meaning to do the limbo.
UnderYourSpell
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You obviously haven't visited the Bistro of an evening ....
unpredictablebijou
Peril!
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Nicely phrased!
Well you succeeded in legitimately scaring me, with the idea that this was going to turn into a concrete poetry thread, so well done.
Damn, is it Strip Limbo night in the Bistro again already?
How time flies. Seems like it was only last week... o wait. It WAS last week.
bj
loststar
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the poem is very complex, perhaps a little too complex for my taste, it seems like every line could spin off and become its own poem. It seems to be very diverse in topics too, you talk about your self, your lover, love itself, fidelity, and innocence. I have a feeling that all of these things are connected in the experience, but those connections are not apparent to the reader.
unpredictablebijou
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I don't disagree that it's complex, and possibly a little too tight in spots. But my taste runs toward obscurity, so some of it felt to me like it was more about sound and sensation than an obvious 'meaning'.
I'm always inclined to edit for sound and phrase rather than meaning, actually. So in that context, there were some phrases that really hit me, and some that felt like they missed the mark or were less vivid. The color coding thing is handy, I'm finding, so I'll do that here too:
Rove, godling fingers,
Love is blind to faults
Not cursed, not seen.
Arouse my fear.
My purity forfeit
Only for you.
Speak, silver tongue,
The musk of your voice
Betrays my innocence.
Lust will conquer me
The blue is stuff I quite liked. The red is for lines I felt were either cliche or too abstract to be able to see.
Sound wise, even beyond word choice, I think you have a real ear. The lines "speak silver tongue, the musk of your voice" have an excellent hiss to them that appealed to me.
two points for anyone who knows the technical term for using a repetition of "s" sounds in a poem.
bj
champagne1982
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sibilance... I'll take my points in a basket, ... a B ball basket, from really tall guys with big hands and big... (well, everything in proportion, I say).
UnderYourSpell
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I thought it was sibbilant but didnt like to say in case I made a fool of myself more than usual lol
unpredictablebijou
Peril!
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champagne1982
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I won the halloween poemy thing.
UnderYourSpell
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I know you did with 400% more votes than me!!!
champagne1982
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I'm not even sure we can count it. There was hardly a quorum of voters participating...
unpredictablebijou
Peril!
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UnderYourSpell
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Of course it counts silly girl I certainly didn't vote for no reason (um that doesn't sound right somehow two negatives and all that lol)
EilonwyKareena
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Thank you! That's actually what I was aiming for! I like the feeling of words and the emotions they bring, rather than "what does this poem mean", which to me, is a bit lit-class.
Something for me to ponder. <shudder> the part I despise, editing....
Oooo, I do so live and love alliteration. I was going to be snarky with the answer for the technical term and say something silly. Sufferin' Succotash!
unpredictablebijou
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What, you didn't like lit class?
it made me hot to talk grammar and text interpretation and stuff...
and editing is the best part! It's where you go from meh to magnificent.
Okay, that may make me a freak but there it is.
I dunno - there's nothing wrong with trying to go for a little 'meaning', whatever that is. Some of it is obviously flexible, but the more meat you have in the sandwich, the more you can justify those high-calorie cliches. A meaner editor would have gotten all on you about "silver tongue" and the like, but I try to run a genteel gang bang whenever possible.
Unless you're like me and are into the rough stuff. (click the link)
I LOVE it when it's that hard. Makes me a better, um, writer.
Well I'll give partial credit, since sibillance is a form of alliteration.
Keep going, sweetie. You're doing fine.
bj
UnderYourSpell
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I never got my gang bang ......sigh ......
