Get back that "spark"

[OrgasmicleBunny]

After an emotionally draining weekend, and some long, long discussions my boyfriend has told me he thinks some of the problems we're having stem from the fact he says he doesn't feel that "spark" of passion with me in our relationship. We've been together a 15 months, the first 7 of that long distance and living together for 5 months.

We've always been very open and honest with each other and upfront about our needs.

We have some other issues unrelated to this, but I'm wondering, how does one regain that spark? Is it doomsville for our relationship, or is it completely normal and we're just going to have to be more creative?

lack of creativity in our sex life is not an issue, we're 2 of the most open-minded people I know, if it's out there we'll try it, from mild to kinky.

I'd like some thoughts on losing the spark in a relationship

 

[M's girl]

Has he never felt that spark, or did it disappear over time? That's what I would want to know for starters.....

 

[Typo Fu Master]

Both sides have to want to stay together and try to work it out.

If you're both sexually compatible and the problem doesn't seem to be in the bedroom, maybe you don't have enough in common or aren't doing enough things together that you both enjoy.

It seems this is quite soon for a problem like this to be developing if you've only lived together for 5 months. How often does either of you (him mostly) bring up an issue that you're having?

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

Has he never felt that spark, or did it disappear over time? That's what I would want to know for starters.....

he used to have it, yes.

and I agree, it seems awfully soon to be having this problem, but then again, our relationship moved faster than most, I think.

I am going through a lot right now and so is he, i struggle a bit with depression, and he struggles with lack of motivation and uncertainty about his direction in life.

Typo, what do you mean? How often does he bring it up?

He just told me this weekend, that that was part of the problem he was feeling.

Regarding compatibility, our libidos are bit mix-matched, I tend to want sex more than he does, and this where the discussion came about, that he needed to feel something more to want to have sex more often.
He says it's not that he's not attracted to me, or isn't turned on by me at all, he just feels things are a bit mundane? and not as exciting?

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

Both sides have to want to stay together and try to work it out.

If you're both sexually compatible and the problem doesn't seem to be in the bedroom, maybe you don't have enough in common or aren't doing enough things together that you both enjoy.

It seems this is quite soon for a problem like this to be developing if you've only lived together for 5 months. How often does either of you (him mostly) bring up an issue that you're having?

OH we definitely want to stay together, we've both been saying that for a while, when other arguments have come up, and when we've nearly broken up. WE are both willing to compromise to help each other get what we need, we've even written down our goals and desires and he's VERY good at communicating, probably better than I am. We're still working on so many things, and learning about each other, I can't help but think this is normal??

 

[M's girl]

he used to have it, yes.

and I agree, it seems awfully soon to be having this problem, but then again, our relationship moved faster than most, I think.

This could be part of the problem. Were there things from a former relationship you or he (or both) still had to deal with while you were already together? Happened to us. We both thought we were ready for another relationship. I was. He was too, but his ex wasn't, and she caused a looooot of problems for us. This made M feel insecure and desperate and lost. He did not know how to deal with her (there are children involved in our case) and he sort of gave up on us after a few months. I could see his struggle and instead tried to help him get through the mess. It was not easy, but we managed.

In the end I think it made us stronger. Could something similar be the case with him? Stress, getting into a new relationship too soon? Bad relationships with ex-lovers/wifes?

Just a thought, since M said about the exact same thing at the time. He was very confused and depressed and I knew that, so that's why I never gave up on him and us....

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

This could be part of the problem. Were there things from a former relationship you or he (or both) still had to deal with while you were already together? Happened to us. We both thought we were ready for another relationship. I was. He was too, but his ex wasn't, and she caused a looooot of problems for us. This made M feel insecure and desperate and lost. He did not know how to deal with her (there are children involved in our case) and he sort of gave up on us after a few months. I could see his struggle and instead tried to help him get through the mess. It was not easy, but we managed.

In the end I think it made us stronger. Could something similar be the case with him? Stress, getting into a new relationship too soon? Bad relationships with ex-lovers/wifes?

Just a thought, since M said about the exact same thing at the time. He was very confused and depressed and I knew that, so that's why I never gave up on him and us....

hmm, no nothing like a previous relationship, we both haven't really had any serious relationships, lack of experience perhaps is all I can think of? I do think he's in a bit of turmoil regarding his path in life, but I'm not sure that's related at all to us.

 

[M's girl]

Maybe his expectations are/were just too high. And maybe, like someone else said, it's just not what he hoped for; high expectations or not. It's up to the two of you to find out what to do.

How do you get that spark back? Remember what it was like between you when he (and you) did feel good and secure in your relationship. Why was that; what did you do and what changed since then?

 

[Ravin the Poet]

he used to have it, yes.

and I agree, it seems awfully soon to be having this problem, but then again, our relationship moved faster than most, I think.

I am going through a lot right now and so is he, i struggle a bit with depression, and he struggles with lack of motivation and uncertainty about his direction in life.

Typo, what do you mean? How often does he bring it up?

He just told me this weekend, that that was part of the problem he was feeling.

Regarding compatibility, our libidos are bit mix-matched, I tend to want sex more than he does, and this where the discussion came about, that he needed to feel something more to want to have sex more often.
He says it's not that he's not attracted to me, or isn't turned on by me at all, he just feels things are a bit mundane? and not as exciting?

I wouldn't worry. 15 months is a long time, people just don't want to say it. And everyone says their relationship moved fast. I lost the spark as well, but I got it back. It's burning brighter then ever now. There is nothing you can do that will change it, it's basically on his side of things. It is a thing that happenes over time. When you see someone a lot (living together) it tends to go away, even more so if you were gone for a period of time (long distance). People worry about the spark, but as long as the flame is there, who really cares. You two want to stay together, then really, the issue is nothing. It is normal. 15 months is a year and some, and to some guys, that is a long time. He'll get it back over time, it just depends how you two let it effect you.

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

I wouldn't worry. 15 months is a long time, people just don't want to say it. And everyone says their relationship moved fast. I lost the spark as well, but I got it back. It's burning brighter then ever now. There is nothing you can do that will change it, it's basically on his side of things. It is a thing that happenes over time. When you see someone a lot (living together) it tends to go away, even more so if you were gone for a period of time (long distance). People worry about the spark, but as long as the flame is there, who really cares. You two want to stay together, then really, the issue is nothing. It is normal. 15 months is a year and some, and to some guys, that is a long time. He'll get it back over time, it just depends how you two let it effect you.

you make a good point, he's always saying, it's not WHAT happens in your life, it's how you RESPOND to it.

I feel stronger than ever about things, as he's laying in bed next to me, sleeping off and on, I feel close, comfortable, and "OK" I wish I could tell him that, I'll be sure to when he wakes up.

 

[Typo Fu Master]

he used to have it, yes.

and I agree, it seems awfully soon to be having this problem, but then again, our relationship moved faster than most, I think.

I am going through a lot right now and so is he, i struggle a bit with depression, and he struggles with lack of motivation and uncertainty about his direction in life.

Typo, what do you mean? How often does he bring it up?

He just told me this weekend, that that was part of the problem he was feeling.

I was referring not so much about him bringing up this particular issue but about how often a problem comes up in general. If there have been more and more issues then it may be that he is discovering aspects of your personality and behavior that don't quite mesh with his and it's creating friction.

Regarding compatibility, our libidos are bit mix-matched, I tend to want sex more than he does, and this where the discussion came about, that he needed to feel something more to want to have sex more often.
He says it's not that he's not attracted to me, or isn't turned on by me at all, he just feels things are a bit mundane? and not as exciting?

That doesn't make much sense to me. From personal experience, my desire to have sex with my partner has been directly related to how attracted I was to her. Less attraction = less desire to have sex. Also, in your first post you stated you were both open to trying new things. Have you discussed anything with him to find out what his idea of mundane and/or not as exciting is?

 

[subwannabe]

When he said it was mundane and unexciting did you ask him if he had any ideas to spice things up? Both of you have problems which are contributing to this and I can't advise you on how to get around those problems. They may work out and they may get worse. The only thing I can tell you from a male perspective is that every guy wants to be seduced, wants to be fucked, and, well, wants to be attacked. Do you wear sexy clothing, particularly when you want it, but also when you are out, such as showing cleavage while going to Walmart? When you are home do you put on sexy lingerie, throw him down on the bed, rip his clothes off, and give him a blowjob? You may have fallen into the dating/marriage scenario where you are willing to do all of these things when you are not living together(dating), but when you have lived together for a while you don't feel the need to show cleavage out in public or sexually assault him in the home (or out in public). Another possibilty is to create scenes/roleplay where you can turn yourself into the other woman by putting on a wig or restyling your hair etc so that he can cheat on you. Every male has something inside of us wanting to propogate the species with as many women as possible. Turn yourself into these other women for him by turning yourself into the hotel maid, hospital nurse, librarian, etc. Good luck.

 

[DrHappy]

Have you noticed any signs of depression in him? One symptom of depression is not enjoying things that you used to enjoy. Has he experienced increased stress in another part of his life? This may not be a factor for him, but I thought that it was worth asking.

 

[an_angels_wings]

you make a good point, he's always saying, it's not WHAT happens in your life, it's how you RESPOND to it.

I feel stronger than ever about things, as he's laying in bed next to me, sleeping off and on, I feel close, comfortable, and "OK" I wish I could tell him that, I'll be sure to when he wakes up.

I see a lot of parallels between your relationship and my own. My boyfriend and I have also been together for 15 months and in the beginning it was also mostly long distance. We also have moved kind of fast .. though we aren't currently living together, we sort of did so for about a month when I had surgery and spent my recovery period living with him (so he could take care of me and so how we could start learning how to live with each other).

How often would you say that you have sex? Or at least used to? I was exactly like you, I wanted sex nearly all the time ... at least every night. When I didn't get it, I felt weird, like he was mad at me, or didn't find me attractive, or something like that. But then I looked at it and wondered if it was my libido or my emotions that wanted sex every night. I came to the conclusion that, while I could have sex every night if I wanted to, it was actually must better when there was a day or two in between. I also realized that sex was my way of assuredly getting physical affection, because I felt as though I maybe wasn't getting as much. He can't be playing on the computer or something while we're having sex ... his attention must be focused solely on me. After a while of "living" together I realized that I wanted my own space again. I was feeling pretty bad, and I guess you could say I felt like the spark was gone. I felt like he didn't care or much or like I was invading his space and stuff ... which he claims wasn't the case. But it was just being together too often and everything. Now that we have some space, we miss each other, which means we want to see each other more, and there's more of that spark. I'd say if you spend too much time together this may be the source of the problem. Give him some space ... give yourself some space ... give yourselves a chance to miss one another this way you appreciate each others' presence more.

One other thing I realized, and this was also sort of making me be up his butt because I wanted more from him, was that because most of our relationship in the beginning was long distance, I missed out on a lot of that mushy romantic sort of beginning-of-relationship stuff. This is my first relationship, my first serious relationship ... and he's had several before me, so he's experienced that. I wanted to experience it, too. So I told him that I wanted to see thoughtful things from him ... I tend to leave him notes if I leave for work after he does if I've spent the note at his place ... he doesn't often to that or anything. But I told him about that sort of thing. I wanted to make out like horny teenagers and tease each other, and just that new relationship sort of thing.

Also, don't be afraid to ask him to tell you some things you can do, and vice versa for him. I realized that telling him, "Figure it out yourself" (because I wanted to be made to feel special by his thoughtfulness) is not necessarily the best way to go ... because chances are he's doing nearly everything he can think of at the moment and if his efforts are seemingly unappreciated, then he doesn't want to do it anymore. Spending time away from each other by going to work or school is kind of getting alone/apart time ... but not really because it's work, etc. Go out with just your friends sometimes ... or you stay in one night when he's going out. I go to our local Barnes and Noble sometimes in the evening to get a tea and just read. A little time apart can do wonders.

Also, after I left to come back to my dormitory after recovery, we had a huge fight (before I left we weren't on the best of terms, we'd had a mini pre-fight the night before I officially packed up and came back here). Probably our biggest and riskiest fight. We could have broken up, but we didn't because we love each other and wanted to make it work. After this, I wanted to feel more secure before engaging in sex again, so I sort of with held a little bit. I'll tell you, one night we just went at it like nobody's business making out ... it was great. We didn't end up having sex, just watching each other masturbate. So we were getting satisfied, but not that close.

Sometimes now if we spend the night together and it doesn't result in sex, I still get kind of miffed. But I know he loves me. I just need more physical affection, and that doesn't necessarily have to come from sex.

... uh, yeah, lots of rambling. I hope I helped at least somewhat.

 

[DeeZire]

Whenever a person is described as 'unmotivated' I think: self-centered, and A-hole. Perhaps he's not in this relationship for the two of you, but only for himself. Does he treat other people well? Does he tip at the restaurant? Does he hold the door for you? Does he tend to your needs? If not, perhaps the excitement of a new relationship has masked the fact that he's a jerk. Not saying he's a jerk, just raising it as one of many different possibilities.

I don't think it's wise to commit to a relationship when there are already sexual compatibility issues, unless you're both agreeable to the possibility of you having boyfriends on the side to keep you sexually satisfied. If he's running out of steam at 15 months, what's he going to be like in 5 years?

Best wishes to you, in case this sounded too crass and cynical.

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

I see a lot of parallels between your relationship and my own. My boyfriend and I have also been together for 15 months and in the beginning it was also mostly long distance. We also have moved kind of fast .. though we aren't currently living together, we sort of did so for about a month when I had surgery and spent my recovery period living with him (so he could take care of me and so how we could start learning how to live with each other).

How often would you say that you have sex? Or at least used to? I was exactly like you, I wanted sex nearly all the time ... at least every night. When I didn't get it, I felt weird, like he was mad at me, or didn't find me attractive, or something like that. But then I looked at it and wondered if it was my libido or my emotions that wanted sex every night. I came to the conclusion that, while I could have sex every night if I wanted to, it was actually must better when there was a day or two in between. I also realized that sex was my way of assuredly getting physical affection, because I felt as though I maybe wasn't getting as much. He can't be playing on the computer or something while we're having sex ... his attention must be focused solely on me. After a while of "living" together I realized that I wanted my own space again. I was feeling pretty bad, and I guess you could say I felt like the spark was gone. I felt like he didn't care or much or like I was invading his space and stuff ... which he claims wasn't the case. But it was just being together too often and everything. Now that we have some space, we miss each other, which means we want to see each other more, and there's more of that spark. I'd say if you spend too much time together this may be the source of the problem. Give him some space ... give yourself some space ... give yourselves a chance to miss one another this way you appreciate each others' presence more.

One other thing I realized, and this was also sort of making me be up his butt because I wanted more from him, was that because most of our relationship in the beginning was long distance, I missed out on a lot of that mushy romantic sort of beginning-of-relationship stuff. This is my first relationship, my first serious relationship ... and he's had several before me, so he's experienced that. I wanted to experience it, too. So I told him that I wanted to see thoughtful things from him ... I tend to leave him notes if I leave for work after he does if I've spent the note at his place ... he doesn't often to that or anything. But I told him about that sort of thing. I wanted to make out like horny teenagers and tease each other, and just that new relationship sort of thing.

Also, don't be afraid to ask him to tell you some things you can do, and vice versa for him. I realized that telling him, "Figure it out yourself" (because I wanted to be made to feel special by his thoughtfulness) is not necessarily the best way to go ... because chances are he's doing nearly everything he can think of at the moment and if his efforts are seemingly unappreciated, then he doesn't want to do it anymore. Spending time away from each other by going to work or school is kind of getting alone/apart time ... but not really because it's work, etc. Go out with just your friends sometimes ... or you stay in one night when he's going out. I go to our local Barnes and Noble sometimes in the evening to get a tea and just read. A little time apart can do wonders.

Also, after I left to come back to my dormitory after recovery, we had a huge fight (before I left we weren't on the best of terms, we'd had a mini pre-fight the night before I officially packed up and came back here). Probably our biggest and riskiest fight. We could have broken up, but we didn't because we love each other and wanted to make it work. After this, I wanted to feel more secure before engaging in sex again, so I sort of with held a little bit. I'll tell you, one night we just went at it like nobody's business making out ... it was great. We didn't end up having sex, just watching each other masturbate. So we were getting satisfied, but not that close.

Sometimes now if we spend the night together and it doesn't result in sex, I still get kind of miffed. But I know he loves me. I just need more physical affection, and that doesn't necessarily have to come from sex.

... uh, yeah, lots of rambling. I hope I helped at least somewhat.

incredibly, you do make a LOT of sense. This is why I like this site so much, gaining insight from others is extremely valuable information! The How-To forum, is probably my favorite one!

I too, struggled with thinking I really did want sex every night, that my libido was out of control, but it turns out, I really don't, I just want that physical contact and closeness and even have told him, I might not REALLY want sex, I just want YOu to want to have sex. I thrive on that feeling of being really wanted and desired, so when he makes advances towards me for sex, even if I'm completely NOT in the mood, it makes me feel good.

So, we talked some more last night, and decided that I may not always want sex, but perhaps we could compromise and do something else that I enjoy, like getting a massage from him, or just having "pillow talk" and just a bit of kissing, touching, petting.

He really is trying to do the things I want, to make me happy and I'm trying as well, I also struggle with depression, so that makes things in our relationship difficult as well.

I never really thought about me missing out on the romantic lovey stuff at the beginning of the relationship because we were long-distance, but maybe that's a factor, too.

I agree about us needing some space, I am desperately looking for a hobby, or SOMETHING. I really don't have an interest in things and really would rather spend my time at home on the computer or watching tv.

I also don't really have any friends, because we just moved to a new city, so it's hard to find someone to do anything with, other than him.

Really his only alone time away from me is when I go to work, which is 3 12 hour night shifts a week. I can see why he wants a bit of space.

I appreciate everyone's input, thanks so much

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

Have you noticed any signs of depression in him? One symptom of depression is not enjoying things that you used to enjoy. Has he experienced increased stress in another part of his life? This may not be a factor for him, but I thought that it was worth asking.

I keep thinking I notice signs, like he does sleep and incredible amount of time, but he's ALWAYS been like that, it's nothing unusual for him to sleep 10 or 12 hours, get up for a few hours, eat, etc, and then go back to sleep for a nap for 2-3 hours.

He really doesn't have any other stress, per se, except that he's not happy with is career and financial situation.

I've asked him directly if he's depressed and he says no.

 

[CutieMouse]

I agree about us needing some space, I am desperately looking for a hobby, or SOMETHING. I really don't have an interest in things and really would rather spend my time at home on the computer or watching tv.

I also don't really have any friends, because we just moved to a new city, so it's hard to find someone to do anything with, other than him.

Really his only alone time away from me is when I go to work, which is 3 12 hour night shifts a week. I can see why he wants a bit of space.

He really doesn't have any other stress, per se, except that he's not happy with is career and financial situation.

Recipe for losing the "spark" and feeling like a relationship is in a rut, right there.

I'd suggest you work on developing your own interests, friendships, and life. Not that you can't share those things with him, but honestly I'd eventually get bored with a partner who didn't have any interests, friends, or stuff to do...

As for his "only" stress being unhappy with his career and finances... babe, that is the sort of stress that contributes depression and the failure of marriages, much less 15 month (7 LDR/5 living together) relationships...

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

Recipe for losing the "spark" and feeling like a relationship is in a rut, right there.

I'd suggest you work on developing your own interests, friendships, and life. Not that you can't share those things with him, but honestly I'd eventually get bored with a partner who didn't have any interests, friends, or stuff to do...

As for his "only" stress being unhappy with his career and finances... babe, that is the sort of stress that contributes depression and the failure of marriages, much less 15 month (7 LDR/5 living together) relationships...

i know, i know....that's why im working on it!

 

[an_angels_wings]

incredibly, you do make a LOT of sense. This is why I like this site so much, gaining insight from others is extremely valuable information! The How-To forum, is probably my favorite one!

I too, struggled with thinking I really did want sex every night, that my libido was out of control, but it turns out, I really don't, I just want that physical contact and closeness and even have told him, I might not REALLY want sex, I just want YOu to want to have sex. I thrive on that feeling of being really wanted and desired, so when he makes advances towards me for sex, even if I'm completely NOT in the mood, it makes me feel good.

So, we talked some more last night, and decided that I may not always want sex, but perhaps we could compromise and do something else that I enjoy, like getting a massage from him, or just having "pillow talk" and just a bit of kissing, touching, petting.

He really is trying to do the things I want, to make me happy and I'm trying as well, I also struggle with depression, so that makes things in our relationship difficult as well.

I never really thought about me missing out on the romantic lovey stuff at the beginning of the relationship because we were long-distance, but maybe that's a factor, too.

I agree about us needing some space, I am desperately looking for a hobby, or SOMETHING. I really don't have an interest in things and really would rather spend my time at home on the computer or watching tv.

I also don't really have any friends, because we just moved to a new city, so it's hard to find someone to do anything with, other than him.

Really his only alone time away from me is when I go to work, which is 3 12 hour night shifts a week. I can see why he wants a bit of space.

I appreciate everyone's input, thanks so much

I think we are the same person. Seriously.

Lol, I know what you mean. I also am dealing with depression and he's very supportive with that, but at the same time doesn't really understand it. I think that also plays a major part in your interests. If I have the chance to, why not hang out with him? Or, like yourself, I like watching TV (or reading). 'Cause, essentially, you just get to lie there and (hopefully) be entertained without having to take any more of a risk than changing the channel.

Try to see a doctor or at least a counselor about your depression. This way at least he may not feel as though he's your only resource or "out" in order to deal with it. I've also realized that I take out a lot of unreasonable things on him and that isn't fair ... but I'm also learning about this as we go along. It's weird.

I completely understand about wanting to feel wanted and desired, I definitely know how you feel about that. Same thing with ... when we're both at home and we don't have to go to work ... why not just hang out and be with one another? What, you don't love me enough? What? Why? What's the matter with me? When it's not even ANY of those ... it's just that you're human and everyone needs some space and time alone and apart.

Yyyyup.