God damn it to hell.

[Guest]

.... you stand in the dark with them, you can't make them walk to the light, you cant force them to but you can stand there in the darkness with them and say okay so that light is over there, now how do we get there, and you wait for them to walk, all the while ready to steady them so that they don't fall as they move forward

 

[Belegon]

I'm so sorry man...

Your good deeds were not wasted, the time and effort were not wasted. No one can take away the hope you gave...not even this. You didn't do it for you, man...you did it for her. And the fact that it helped her, it made her feel valued... that hasn't changed and never will.

 

[Chantilyvamp]

*hugs loads* You are amazing Cat! I am so sorry about your friend.

Drunk drivers...I wont even go into that for persoanl reasons as I might get madder than I allow myself right now. But as one person said above ...burn in hell...I dont think thats strong enough!

 

[Guest]

sorry to hear babe

 

[MrsDeathlynx]

Am I a good thing Starrkers?

Am I truly?

I push people to give their best. I push people to think and to question. I push people to fight.

I pushed her to fight, I pushed her to continue living.

She had given up, she could have gone through much less suffering. She could have passed on without the pain and suffering she had gone through. She listened to me. I had pushed her because of her age. I made her fight damn it. I wouldn't let her give up.

Okay damn it I did feel for her. I allowed her inside. I allowed myself to feel. I couldn't help myself. She was too damned oun to have to go through this.

Yes I held her when she lost her insides and was told she could no longer have children. Yes I was there when her husband left her and her family faded away. I wiped the tars away from her face and pushed her. Yes I did hold hr in y arms as I washed her after she shit herself and pissed herself. Yes I id carry her when she couldn't walk any further. Yes I did allow her to strike out at me when she was upset, I ignored what she called me. I kept after her and made her angry. I directed her anger against her disease.

I tunrned her damn it. She was healing, she was doing well. She was going to get better. She had maybe another six months before her Colostomy was reversed.

She was released and killed by a damn drunk driver.

Okay I admit that in my own way I loved her. I loved her becaue of her strength. I loved her because she didn't give up. I loved her god damn it because she refused to think she was flawed.

I have a CD of pictures of her, a CD she and her parents made for me. These are pictures of her before and after her being diagnosed. These are picturs taken of her before during and after her surgeries. The most important one of these is a picture taken of her as she was being discharged. It is a picture of her standing nude with her Colostomy and scars clearly visible. She is smiling at the camera.

I shall forever cherish this disk. Just as I shall forever mourn her death. Yes, I have to admit that I loved her. I loved her as I love my wife and I can only hope that she felt that love in her final moments.

To those of you who feel that this is/was wrong, Fuck you. May you never deal with this.

Cat

One of my pet peeves, drunk drivers...

Much hugs and love for you hun, I feel for you I really do. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you feel, even in loving her. It is possible to love more than one person, I don't care what anyone says. Just remember that she is looking down on you and smiling, she'll always be in your heart and the heart is where someone special belongs after such a tragedy.

 

[deathlynx]

*snuggles Seacat!* I have no words to heal or numb...Just my heart...

 

[Vermilion]

We can't protect people from the lives they are fated to live, but we can be beside them and help them through it and love them. You did all that for her Cat, and she obviously knew and loved you for it. You gave her support her own family couldn't and made her life better for that. I'm so sorry you have to go through this loss, but don't doubt that you helped her.
x
V

 

[S-Des]

You have my deepest sympathies, Cat. I hate drunk/impaired driving, yet have to watch my friends do it all the time, refusing to believe anything is going to happen to them. To be honest, I'm less concerned with their safety than of the people they might hurt (since they're the dumb-asses taking the risk).

I had a very good friend who was at the side of the road with a flat (when she was still in high school). She was behind the car while her brother was fixing it. A woman swerved and ran into her, pinning her to the car. Even though it was early afteroon, the woman had an extremely high blood-alcohol level. When my friend's father reached the hospital, the drunk was in the hallway, loudly complaining about the "bitch" that caused the wreck. It took several people to pull him off of her. It was before people took drunk driving seriously, so the police didn't demand a breathalizer on the spot and the woman's lawyer got the charges dismissed. I wish my friend's father would have choked her...it might have saved someone's life down the road.

 

[buxxxom]

Hugs to you, SeaCat, and others who will miss her. There's a special level in the bowels of Hell for the drunk driver who hit her.

 

[FallingToFly]

Cat:

I've said before that I wish I could be you when I grow up, and I do.

You have a capacity for love, justice, humor and rage against the unfairness of life that I have NEVER seen in anyone still living. You give your all to every moment,and you are a support for so many people.

I know that a lot of people here in the AH respect you, love you, and genuinely look up to you. I'm one of them.

You have the right to be outraged, the right to be furious, and the right to want justice. Oddly enough- you're living the worst nightmare I went through- losing someone you loved, someone who had finally started fighting back instead of laying down and dying, to the thoughtless, wasteful cruelty and irresponsibility of a drunk driver. I wish I could take away that hell- because it is. Just remember that you HAVE THE RIGHT to be mad as hell, and you have the right to mourn.

Yes, Cat, you are a good thing. You are a good PERSON, a phenomenal inspiration, and a very much loved and admired friend to many here in the AH. My love, sympathy and all the positive energy I can find to you and your wife. Consider the candles lit.

FtF

 

[Svenskaflicka]

*hugs*

Thank goodness she experienced knowing a person like you before she died, Cat.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

So sorry, Cat

I have a dear friend who is a Dialysis Nurse at the local veteran's hospital. Has been for 20 years. All of her patients die in a year or two. And every time she is just devistated.

 

[Just-Legal]

Cat:

I've said before that I wish I could be you when I grow up, and I do.

You have a capacity for love, justice, humor and rage against the unfairness of life that I have NEVER seen in anyone still living. You give your all to every moment,and you are a support for so many people.

I know that a lot of people here in the AH respect you, love you, and genuinely look up to you. I'm one of them.

You have the right to be outraged, the right to be furious, and the right to want justice. Oddly enough- you're living the worst nightmare I went through- losing someone you loved, someone who had finally started fighting back instead of laying down and dying, to the thoughtless, wasteful cruelty and irresponsibility of a drunk driver. I wish I could take away that hell- because it is. Just remember that you HAVE THE RIGHT to be mad as hell, and you have the right to mourn.

Yes, Cat, you are a good thing. You are a good PERSON, a phenomenal inspiration, and a very much loved and admired friend to many here in the AH. My love, sympathy and all the positive energy I can find to you and your wife. Consider the candles lit.

FtF

FtF said it better than I ever could

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Everyday I look for beauty, today I have found it in you.

 

[MagicaPractica]

 

[SeaCat]

Tomorrow is the wake. This should be all kinds of fun.

The hardest part for me will not be saying good by, but not beating the crap out of any of her family members who show up.
Cat

 

[scriptordelecto]

Tomorrow is the wake. This should be all kinds of fun.

The hardest part for me will not be saying good by, but not beating the crap out of any of her family members who show up.
Cat

 

[Sherry Hawk]

Tomorrow is the wake. This should be all kinds of fun.

The hardest part for me will not be saying good by, but not beating the crap out of any of her family members who show up.
Cat

Please don't think me unfeeling...

It's not necessary for you to go to the wake if that part of it will be so hard for you, babe. She's not there; she's already gone.

Funeral/memorial services are for the living, not for those already gone. She knew how you felt; I have absolutely no doubt of that, and that's all that's important, eh?

 

[rgraham666]

*HUGS* Cat. You'll be fine.

You're far too honourable to do something untoward.

 

[S-Des]

So sorry, Cat

I have a dear friend who is a Dialysis Nurse at the local veteran's hospital. Has been for 20 years. All of her patients die in a year or two. And every time she is just devistated.

It takes a special kind of human being to endure that. I know it is far beyond what I could do. Your friend (as well as hospice workers, etc...) is a beautiful person and deserves all the love and support possible.

 

[Vermilion]

Thinking of you today....
x
V

 

[SlickTony]

what a blow. I'm sorry, Cat.

 

[SeaCat]

Well I did it. I went to the wake even though I questioned if I should.

When I walked in I didn't expect to be recognised. For one thing I didn't know any of her finds. For another I wasn't in my work unifrorm. (I was wearing a dark suit, one of three I own. Yes the Cat does own suits.)

I was amazed at the number of people there, all of them friends of hers. When I walked in with my hair back in a braid I was immediately approached by several of these people and welcomed. They recognized me immediatly, it sems she had told them about me. I was pulled into the fold so to speak. I had more than a couple of people come up to me and thank me for helping her.

When her family showed up, fashionably late of course, I was screened from them by a large group of people. It seems they sensed or had been told by my patient about my feelings for her family. I was not allowed to approach them, nor where they allowd to approach me. (Probably a good thing with the way I feel about them right now.)

It wasn't as hard as I expected, although I did have to swallow more than a couple of times when a fiend of hers came up to me with a small box. When I opened the box I found inside a small cross, one that I had often seen her wearing. It has been placed on a chain and hangs in the bedroom. It is a cherished item.

Now I have to thank everyone for responding to my pain. From the bottom of my heart I thank you.

MrsDeathLynx, I do understand better than you may believe that a person can love more than one.

Sherry Hawk, You are not unfeeling.

Rob, I was tempted, oh how I was tempted. (As you probably knew I would be.)

The rest of you. I again thank you for your thoughts. I haven't forgotten you.

Cat

 

[_Lynn_]

Well I did it. I went to the wake even though I questioned if I should.

When I walked in I didn't expect to be recognised. For one thing I didn't know any of her finds. For another I wasn't in my work unifrorm. (I was wearing a dark suit, one of three I own. Yes the Cat does own suits.)

I was amazed at the number of people there, all of them friends of hers. When I walked in with my hair back in a braid I was immediately approached by several of these people and welcomed. They recognized me immediatly, it sems she had told them about me. I was pulled into the fold so to speak. I had more than a couple of people come up to me and thank me for helping her.

When her family showed up, fashionably late of course, I was screened from them by a large group of people. It seems they sensed or had been told by my patient about my feelings for her family. I was not allowed to approach them, nor where they allowd to approach me. (Probably a good thing with the way I feel about them right now.)

It wasn't as hard as I expected, although I did have to swallow more than a couple of times when a fiend of hers came up to me with a small box. When I opened the box I found inside a small cross, one that I had often seen her wearing. It has been placed on a chain and hangs in the bedroom. It is a cherished item.

Now I have to thank everyone for responding to my pain. From the bottom of my heart I thank you.

MrsDeathLynx, I do understand better than you may believe that a person can love more than one.

Sherry Hawk, You are not unfeeling.

Rob, I was tempted, oh how I was tempted. (As you probably knew I would be.)

The rest of you. I again thank you for your thoughts. I haven't forgotten you.

Cat

 

[starrkers]