Golf Jokes

[DannyBoyUK]

The difference between golf and tennis is that tennis is murder - you just want to kill the other player. Golf is suicide - you just want to kill yourself..."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Myself and a fellow caddy recently helped two aged Germans around our course. Failing yet again to get the ball in the air the worst golfer of the pair exclaimed "I suppose you have never seen any player worse than me?" My friend the caddy replied that "there are plenty worse than you sir but they are no longer playing."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

An avid golfer goes to see a fortune teller to enquire if there are any golf courses in heaven. "I have good news and bad news" she tells the golfer. "Whats the good news?" asks the golfer "The good news sir is that the courses in heaven are spectacular, without doubt better than anything you have ever seen on earth." "Whats the bad news then?" he asks "You have a tee time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit. Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."! Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette. Man: "Oh thank you so much!" Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?" Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink. Man:"Oh..thank you so much. You are like a miracle"! Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??" The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too??"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Mike and Bob had just finished the the first nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day. "Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today, what's the matter?" asked Bob. Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Mable's dead." "That's terrible," said Bob, "you think your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?" "Well," responded Mike, "the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

One day a Blonde was Walking down the street when the club pro saw her out of the glimse of his eye and yelled " do you want to play and she said no I dont know how to I dont even know how to hold the caddy

 

[DannyBoyUK]

"You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married." "Of course I do, my dear--it was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long. Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway .. a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway. In a gasp, one lady remarked "I think I know that guy .. isn't that Dick Green?" "No" replied another, "I think it's a reflection of the grass!"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

"Caddy, why do you keep looking at your watch?" asked the curious golfer."It's not a watch, sir. It's a compass"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Hear the one about the bad tempered golfer who bought a new set of Great Big Bertha Woods. After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro thet these were the best clubs he had ever played with. In fact "I can throw these clubs 40 yards further than my old ones" he told the pro.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

The worst foursome in golf: O.J. Simpson, Heidi Fleiss, Ted Kennedy and Greg Louganis. Why are they the worst? Well, O.J. slices....Fleiss hooks....Kennedy drives everything into the water, and Louganis doesn't know which hole to put it in!

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Watching from the Club house overlooking the 10th green, we saw a foursome approaching. Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist fight. The Golf Captain stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting men. "Why are you fighting?" he asked "You see," said one of them, "my partner had a stroke and died just now, and these buggers want to include it on the scorecard."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, everytime I swing my 7 iron I pass this outrageous gas." He swings the iron in the doctor's office and breaks a loud sound of wind. He swings the 8 iron and nothing, he swings the 6 and nothing. He swings the 7 again the same loud sound is heard, followed by a very foul smell. The docotr says,"H'm, interesting case," and gets up and grabs a long pole laying against the wall. "What are you going to do with that," the fellow nervously asks, fearing the worst. "I'm going to open the window and let some air into this room," the Doc replies.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A guy was on a holiday in Mexico and rented a car to go to the nearest golfcourse for a round of golf. When he returned the car, the man in the car rental agency noticed that the golfer had dropped something in the front seat and said: "Excuse me, sir, but are these yours?" "Yes, thanks, those are my tees." "What do you do with them?" "I put my balls on them when I drive..."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. "There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday". "Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A Jew, a Catholic and a Morman were having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention. The Jew, bragging about his virility said "I have four sons, one more and I'll have a basketball team!." The Catholic poo-poohed this acomplishment, stating, "Thats nothing boy, I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon replied, "You fellers ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course!."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

There are two guys out on the course that come up on a couple of ladies playing slow. One of the guys walks up towards the ladies to ask if they can play through. About halfway there he turns around and comes back and says to his friend, "I can't go up there and talk to them, that is my wife and my mistress." So his friend replies, "I'll go up and ask them." When he is halfway there he turns around and comes back and states to his friend. "Small world".

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Three guys decide to play a round of golf: a priest, a psychologist, and an economist.

They get behind a *very* slow two-some, who, despite a caddy, are taking all day to line up their shots and four-putting every green, and so on. By the 8th hole, the three men are complaining loudly about the slow play ahead and swearing a blue streak, and so on. The priest says, "Holy Mary, I pray that they should take some lessons before they play again." The psychologist says, "I swear there are people that like to play golf slowly." The economist says, "I really didn't expect to spend this much time playing a round of golf."

By the 9th hole, they have had it with slow play, so the psychologist goes to the caddy and demands that they be allowed to play through. The caddy says O.K., but then explains that the two golfers are blind, that both are retired firemen who lost their eyesight saving people in a fire, and that explains their slow play, and would they please not swear and complain so loud.

The priest is mortified; he says, "Here I am a man of the cloth and I've been swearing at the slow play of two blind men." The psychologist is also mortified; he says, "Here I am a man trained to help others with their problems and I've been complaining about the slow play of two blind men."

The economist ponders the situation-finally he goes back to the caddy and says, "Listen, the next time could they play at night."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"