Group poem: Live by 'Consenting Couplets'

[perks]

the first stanza.....nice start..felt the mood, although I didn't think it was intense enough. The feeling of belonging to someone wasn't there. I felt like it was more of a fathre figure giving some kids advice than master/subs.......but I got the master thing with the capitalization...I just didn't feel it.

The second stanza.answer to the first......got that....woooo hoooooo. It didn't hold on to the structure of the poem. And then the kids that the master was sitting with talking so nicely to, well the subbies don't like him much....so apparent. Since when doesn't a sub like their master?....I am again reminded of that father figure with the boy and girl..cept now I see him as a pedophile.

Third stanza....your voice is that of the man in the first stanza<if I'm following this>.....but then you tell the boy and girl to run away from you. The subbie thing is completely lost at this point, you don't capitalize. So it completes my theory...of pedophile, giving the boy and girl advice, they hate h im.....he advises them to run away.

I think I'm a freak.....and I didn't even write this.
perky

 

[lovetoread]

When I started reading this,I thought it was going to be about d/s,but it didnt do that at all. That was a disappointment to me,as it would have been a good way to go.

I liked the poem,the imagery was great. I just didnt get how the title went with this poem.

 

[WickedEve]

Perky if I squeezed you, would you quack? Just curious. lol

We all now know that the first stanza was about D/s but the second stanza changed that, and by the time you get to the third stanza it's about satan, mankind and an angel (I think). The father is not speaking in the 3rd stanza.
By the 3rd, girl and boy is mankind. The Dom in the 1st stanza is Satan. The 3rd voice is a freaked-out angel trying to save everyone. Don't you get it? lol
Go back and read this thread and you'll see what I'm talking about.

 

[WickedEve]

lovetoread/write/andpost

I just didnt get how the title went with this poem.

The first stanza starts by saying that the subs live to serve. That's how they live--what they live for.

The 3 rd stanza says to grasp the seconds as you fall--Live every moment!

There's lots of living in this poem! LOL

 

[perks]

HOLY GOD!!!!! doh..or is that satan.......wicked eve............OMG.......I have seen the light.....let me go read it again......damn this is so cool.

perks

 

[REDWAVE]

Holy Cow!

Well (last time I checked, anyway), we're far from having the highest rating, but we seem to be way out in front for "Most Commented Upon." Actually, Drake, I did pick up on the dom/sub thing-- I just wasn't interested in going that way. Sorry. It's all my fault the poem didn't do well in the voting; you can blame me. Had we produced a steamy BDSM threesome, the Lit. readers probably would have loved it!


But a dark, brooding, non-erotic meditation on the conflict between authority and rebellion, with a metaphysical conclusion by Wicked, balancing life and death, good and evil, yin and yang, etc.-- that's way too heavy for this site. I had a choice of following Drake's lead or playing against it, and being the churlish miscreant that I am, I chose to play against it bigtime!

This exercise makes me think of the philosophy of Gorgias the Sophist. According to him, nothing exists. Even if anything did exist, it would impossible to have any knowledge of it. Even if anything existed and it was possible to have any knowledge of it, it would be impossible to communicate that knowledge. I think he may well be right about the third point. Just as I "misinterpreted" Drake's first stanza (or at least took it off in a wildly different direction), WickedEve's take on my stanza was different from what I had in mind. (However, I did make it deliberately somewhat ambiguous so she could choose different responses to it.) To me, Drake's dominant father figure represents all authority in general, and the capitalist system in particular. My persona (the rebellious lad) is not only denouncing the system, he is saying it is decayed and decrepit and about to fall. The phrase "unholy father" is a parody of "holy father," and is meant to suggest the transvaluation of all values-- i.e., that what is commonly held up as "good" is in fact "evil." The most harmful and despicable force on earth, in my opinion, is organized religion, which cloaks itself in the mantle of goodness and light. I find it interesting everyone thinks my stanza is so dark. Actually, it ends with a positive idea-- the overthrow of capitalism (or of oppression generally). Anyone who's brave (or foolish) enough to really want to get into my head should check out my political website "SLAVE REVOLT" at
http://www21.brinkster.com/redwave69

There, hopefully I've succeeded in confusing eveyone totally by now!


Tigerjen-- is that cute babe bending over in your av hoping to receive a "surprise" from behind?

 

[WickedEve]

That Devil Poem!

REDWAVE is the Devil!
SATAN! SATAN!
(run screaming from the computer which must surely now be possessed.)

Sister Perky, come into the light... on seconds thought go back into the darkness. Girl, you've got a pimple! Hide yourself! LOL

 

[WickedEve]

Shouldn't that be "Unholy Cow?"

Redwave, it appears that the 3 of us didn't play well together. We all did our own thing.

Daddy is a Dom.
boy is insane.
girl is a religious fanatic.

Just your average American family.

 

[REDWAVE]

WHAT? Me Insane?

Why, you Jezebel, how dare you call Jesus Christ insane! . . . Get back, Napoleon, I'm typing now . . . I'm not insane! I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!

 

[perks]

damn I'm in love with you guys.....my favorite duck....and two freaks.what more could a girl want.....oh wait...maybe poetic continuity?

 

[REDWAVE]

Me, too!

Perky Baby--

I'm in love with the buttcheeks on your avatar.

 

[WickedEve]

Poetic continuity? This poem has it! You name it, it has it. It's just too complex for anyone, except the Consenting Couplets, to see it!
Now let's talk about our cash prize for having the best poem. How much do we get? Can we split it 2 ways since Redwave is too insane to need money. He'd only wipe his butt with it.

 

[Whispersecret]

LIVE
by Consenting Couplets ©

boy. girl. Sit at My Feet.
Assume your roles
and cloak yourselves
with your mantles of self defeat.
To be reborn,
you live to serve.
Honor Me. Let Me hear you speak.

I understood the D/s suggestion, but was confused when it didn't pan out. I can see the reference to the theme "live" here, in line 5. The statements are clear and strong, but the language in general just doesn't grab me. However, I do like the phrase "mantles of self-defeat."

Unholy father, your decrepit claws
Are sunk into our flesh
Your toothless gums mouth our vitals
Joylessly and lifelessly
It is your defeat, not ours
Which is being born
In the belly of eternity

I would have liked this better on its own. I like the image of toothless gums on vitals, but this was supposed to be a group effort. (Hmmm, reminds me of a certain chain story I participated in...) When you work with others, you have to resist the temptation to do what you want and do your best to make your part jive with the rest. If you can't do that, you're being selfish (sorry, RW) and you might as well just write on your own.

After reading the second stanza, I definitely thought that this was now about the devil, and not about a dominant and two subs.

Lost wanderers, my words, heed.
Birth plummets you towards death.
Grasp the seconds as you fall,
and be aware of your need
to wrench your soul from his clutches,
and utterly devour defeat,
till no longer you live.[/b]

This was a valiant attempt to bring the poem full circle, and I admire the message in it. However, the shifts of point of view within the three stanzas was confusing to me. I notice that there was a subtle rhyme scheme that doubtless added to the poem, but thankfully didn't scream to me "RHYMING POEM!" I see it in the first and third stanzas, but not in the second. The poem would have been stronger to me if it had occurred throughout.

 

[REDWAVE]

O well!

Well, I guess I'm just the "odd man out." BTW, Eve, you're wrong. I know what to do with money, and it's not wiping my butt with it-- the pictures of dead Prezs chafe my asshole. I buy drugs with it!

 

[REDWAVE]

Shameless plug by the insane one

I just found out I have two new poems posted here, "A Bawdy Christmas" and "Crystal Dreams." I didn't think they'd be posted till tomorrow, but Laurel got them up quickly. If you like my style of insanity, or if you love to hate it, please check them out and let me know what you think. "Vote early and often!" They're listed on my bio page; the link to that is below, in my sigline.

I'd also be fascinated to see what someone thinks about "SLAVE REVOLT."

 

[Dillinger]

Wow... so incredibly different than the other entries - and refreshing for the different and unique viewpoint presented.

It was like a slap to the face after the others (I just randomly went through each of the entries and commented on them - this one happened to be the last one I'm reading.) And I am not saying this in a negative way. This poem is meant to slap the reader in the face. Kudos are always due for succeeding at one's goal.

And yet I find the message to be a positive one in the end... "utterly devour defeat"

This is an insightful poem and one I will return to read some more. It is perhaps the hardest to come to grips with of all the entries - and I find myself challenged by the concepts. Through such challenges we grow, we learn - we understand. And that IS what it means to live.

 

[Jazzy2]

REDWAVE

You ain't right! Always cuttin' up. LOL

Not a lot of sense goin' on, but borin' it ain't.

Jazzy2

 

[Consenting Couplets]

We're finished

Yay- we're through! The final edited version of our poem is now in the first post of this thread. Let us know what you think of our changes. Have we improved upon the original? And to my teammates I'd like to say: it's been an honor and a pleasure working with you on this.

 

[REDWAVE]

Jazzy2

Hey, Jazzy2-- you're new here, aren't you? Welcome. I usually try to be entertaining in my posts, although I just posted a long serious reply on daughter's ridiculing religion thread. If you want some real sense, with no cutting up at all, there's my website SLAVE REVOLT at
http://www21.brinkster.com/redwave69

 

[Melissa Randolf]

Live by consenting couplets

Love the rewrite! Much more evocative...plus tone changed to life not death...especially liked the green growing image, and wheel of life. This poem is much more visual than its orig version. Good job, couplets!

 

[Jazzy2]

Re: Live by consenting couplets

REDWAVE--

Took a quick look at your page. DAMN!!!!

Thanks for the invite. You keep it real.

Jazzy2

 

[WickedEve]

REDWAVE, sorry about my fried brains, and your swollen belly!
And congrats on that last stanza. I love it! You made our Live poem so much better.

 

[REDWAVE]

Thanks, WickedEve. You did a great job with your stanza, too, especially the line "Birth plummets you into death." Now if I could have just persuaded one of the two of you to go along with my "swollen belly." O well!

 

[Whispersecret]

Extra stanza...nice job. Tied it up neatly.