Help explain this?

[Farawyn]

You are exactly right about this. YOU get to define what a relationship is and isn't. No two relationships are alike.

Many years ago, before internet and skype and cell phones, I had a long distance relationship for nearly a decade with the man who eventually became my husband once we finally managed to get in the same town. We managed it with letters (SHOCKING, I know), audio cassettes, Ma Bell, and trysts that we worked out all sorts of ways. Our family and friends had a hard time believing we were making it work, that he was not cheating on me and that I was not cheating on him - yet... indeed it was the case. All these years later and we are still married and I still love him with all my heart. Would those years have been easier had we been able to sext? fuck yes.

Maybe not.
It kind of makes it worse. For me, anyway.
That’s a LONG time to do long distance. Kudos to you both.

 

[Reyhoney]

You are exactly right about this. YOU get to define what a relationship is and isn't. No two relationships are alike.

Many years ago, before internet and skype and cell phones, I had a long distance relationship for nearly a decade with the man who eventually became my husband once we finally managed to get in the same town. We managed it with letters (SHOCKING, I know), audio cassettes, Ma Bell, and trysts that we worked out all sorts of ways. Our family and friends had a hard time believing we were making it work, that he was not cheating on me and that I was not cheating on him - yet... indeed it was the case. All these years later and we are still married and I still love him with all my heart. Would those years have been easier had we been able to sext? fuck yes.

You’re seriously so amazing and I love everything I know about you so far. I’m not shocked someone fell for you years ago before all the social media’s today!

 

[Dreamliner]

 

[celticlady]

Love this!
Thanks, Dreamliner

 

[richard_daily]

This story/poster sets off my BS detector.

 

[Reyhoney]

This story/poster sets off my BS detector.

Do I? Explain why? Maybe you’re full of BS and smelling your own?

 

[Taramafor]

People often claim much.

People also often make themselves to be hypocrites. Even with people they care about.

Expereince with X also doesn't mean the same results will happen with Y. Even if it's the same experience.

As someone that likes the "rough stuff" I can say that there are times where spark is there and times it is lacking. If it is lacking there's other factors at play. Like not making an effort to make active time together. In this case I suspect a lack of trust factors in. While relationships need to be built without trust first being present if one simply isn't willing to take another at their word it just isn't going to work out.

 

[Reyhoney]

People often claim much.

People also often make themselves to be hypocrites. Even with people they care about.

Expereince with X also doesn't mean the same results will happen with Y. Even if it's the same experience.

As someone that likes the "rough stuff" I can say that there are times where spark is there and times it is lacking. If it is lacking there's other factors at play. Like not making an effort to make active time together. In this case I suspect a lack of trust factors in. While relationships need to be built without trust first being present if one simply isn't willing to take another at their word it just isn't going to work out.

Honestly now that I’ve had lots of time to process it, I can understand what happened. I really don’t think he was as dominant or rough as he claimed to be, he just wanted to come off that way to overcompensate. He was so insecure and he admitted it.

Thing is, I can live without rough sex, that’s not a must, I don’t know why he felt like he had to appear a certain way. Oh well, time to move on.

 

[Nezhul]

One thing I may add is that having dominant tendencies and kinks, and being insecure - are two completely different things. In fact, our entire society teaches men that women need to be pampered/cherished/protected/taken care of....

And then when you suddenly have fantasies of bringing her to her knees and spanking the heck out of her, holding her hair and pumping her cunt until tears come to her eyes - even if you find a girl who's totally on board with that, it creates a problem. A dissonance between what you have been told to do and what you are going to do. You can't help but think that by spanking her for real you are going to hurt her and she'll leave. You can't help but feel that rough sex is being rude in her eyes and she will (as we all know every women does) prefer someone gentle and loving to you. Even if you are gentle and loving in all other aspects.
This really creates insecurity. At least it did a lot for me. It takes some practice to allow your brain to rewire and understand that spanking someone and hurting them can be done for fun and you don't become some kind of scum because of that, to understand that hitting someone in the scene doesn't equal abuse.

Just wanted to put my two cents about confidence and lack of thereof for a dominant person. So what ReyHoney described above - you know, he could have been a dominat person. Maybe not. But his lack of confidence doesn't put a cross on it.
He still acted kind of like a jerk in many ways, employed emotional blackmail to try and fix it - which never helps. So I'm not saying you was wrong.


Also what I described above - it's one of good reasons why Doms need aftercare and reassurance too.

 

[Reyhoney]

One thing I may add is that having dominant tendencies and kinks, and being insecure - are two completely different things. In fact, our entire society teaches men that women need to be pampered/cherished/protected/taken care of....

And then when you suddenly have fantasies of bringing her to her knees and spanking the heck out of her, holding her hair and pumping her cunt until tears come to her eyes - even if you find a girl who's totally on board with that, it creates a problem. A dissonance between what you have been told to do and what you are going to do. You can't help but think that by spanking her for real you are going to hurt her and she'll leave. You can't help but feel that rough sex is being rude in her eyes and she will (as we all know every women does) prefer someone gentle and loving to you. Even if you are gentle and loving in all other aspects.
This really creates insecurity. At least it did a lot for me. It takes some practice to allow your brain to rewire and understand that spanking someone and hurting them can be done for fun and you don't become some kind of scum because of that, to understand that hitting someone in the scene doesn't equal abuse.

Just wanted to put my two cents about confidence and lack of thereof for a dominant person. Also what I described above - it's one of good reasons why Doms need aftercare and reassurance too.

This makes a lot of sense judging from things he’s told me about his past. His ex’s especially the last who was with him for 5 years hated rough sex, he said in the start she said it was all okay but later told him it made her feel so horrible and almost like she was getting raped. He said I had to bury that part of me. Maybe that has to do with it? Psychology is a tricky thing.

 

[Nezhul]

This makes a lot of sense judging from things he’s told me about his past. His ex’s especially the last who was with him for 5 years hated rough sex, he said in the start she said it was all okay but later told him it made her feel so horrible and almost like she was getting raped. He said I had to bury that part of me. Maybe that has to do with it? Psychology is a tricky thing.

Yes, I can see how that would make one extremely insecure about having rough sex with someone else.

That's why you make sure that you do those things with someone who's into that, and that they aren't doing it for you. Or at least if they ARE doing it for you - that it's all a neutral thing to them, and they are totally OK and happy to keep it up. It's hard to say who was at fault in his past relationship. May have been the girl who hid her true feelings. May have been him because he was too eager and didn't read the signs, that this wasn't for her.

In fact, now that I think about - it's very easy to test if your partner is really into it or not. Just stop the kink stuff for awhile, do more vanilla. Or even talk about doing so. If they ask you why you stopped dominating them - probably there's something they are missing.
Not sure if it's a good way, though. Never been in such situation.

 

[DVS]

Just putting this out there, for whatever it's worth. There are some people who can get into kinky or unusual sex, including BDSM with a partner, if that partner is a stranger. Sometimes, once they get to know this person, they can no longer get into what they previously enjoyed, because now they know this person.

This is why some people only play with strangers. The more they get to know someone, the less they tend to enjoy the kinkier parts of their sexual attraction. In fact, once they get to know someone, their sexual attraction can actually change.

For some people BDSM is very personal and the better they know someone, the more they get into the act of submission or domination. That's the way I am. I enjoy the mental side of dominating and the better I know my partner, the better I am able to use her own mind against her and to my advantage.

But, there will always be those who can only be sexually mean to a stranger or dominate a stranger. It might be related to how they feel about their own sexuality...maybe they are embarrassed with their sexual desires or maybe they can't hurt someone they have feelings for.

In my day, men were taught to be nice to the "weaker sex" because it was the right thing to do. Open doors for them and take care of them, as they are the feminine sex. Whether you believe in that any more, it's just the way it was. I'm not sure if it still is, or not.

Thinking about that sort of thing, a gentleman never hits a woman. Actually, when with a woman who enjoys that sort of thing, you are in fact being a gentleman by accommodating her requests. At least that's how I see it.

The human mind is a tricky thing. Some men can't overcome what they were taught as a young boy, no matter if the woman wants it or not. So, they reserve their more kinky BDSM play for strangers.

 

[1bigMystery]

Just putting this out there, for whatever it's worth. There are some people who can get into kinky or unusual sex, including BDSM with a partner, if that partner is a stranger. Sometimes, once they get to know this person, they can no longer get into what they previously enjoyed, because now they know this person.

This is why some people only play with strangers. The more they get to know someone, the less they tend to enjoy the kinkier parts of their sexual attraction. In fact, once they get to know someone, their sexual attraction can actually change.

For some people BDSM is very personal and the better they know someone, the more they get into the act of submission or domination. That's the way I am. I enjoy the mental side of dominating and the better I know my partner, the better I am able to use her own mind against her and to my advantage.

But, there will always be those who can only be sexually mean to a stranger or dominate a stranger. It might be related to how they feel about their own sexuality...maybe they are embarrassed with their sexual desires or maybe they can't hurt someone they have feelings for.

In my day, men were taught to be nice to the "weaker sex" because it was the right thing to do. Open doors for them and take care of them, as they are the feminine sex. Whether you believe in that any more, it's just the way it was. I'm not sure if it still is, or not.

Thinking about that sort of thing, a gentleman never hits a woman. Actually, when with a woman who enjoys that sort of thing, you are in fact being a gentleman by accommodating her requests. At least that's how I see it.

The human mind is a tricky thing. Some men can't overcome what they were taught as a young boy, no matter if the woman wants it or not. So, they reserve their more kinky BDSM play for strangers.

I mostly lurk.. I just wanted to say I always appreciate your insights.

 

[Reyhoney]

Update.

Thought I’d come back and add to this. Honestly I’m mostly doing it because at this point it seems like almost a joke.

So he’s been texting here and there but we kept it short and cold. Then he eventually asked if I want to talk on the phone, I thought okay, I may get answers (bad choice on my end, should have known better)

So he tells me he hooked up with this girl drunk at a party and after 1 date he wants her and already asked her if she wanted kids (even though after we dated almost a year, he still didn’t know if he wanted me). Anyway then he described the sex they had... WHO DOES THIS!? He said oh and I’m positively surprised she likes rough sex. I was SHOCKED. I told him didn’t YOU say you didn’t enjoy it!?? He said yes I actually do but we need to slowly do it, not be so rough right away, and I’m not repeating my mistakes with you! (Jaw drop) and the douche said “well I realized it’s also your fault, it takes two! I depended on you to tell me if you wanted it rough or not”. I’m not the one who had to numb herself!!!

Then he said oh I’ve been fantasizing about you and the great intense sex we had (again, that he blamed and dumped me for) and then he started masturbating on the phone and sent me a dick pic (even though he wants that other woman.)

I told him this means NOTHING to me anymore. He’s nothing, and I told him the issue here isn’t your ex, it isn’t me, it’s YOU and it has to do with your childhood.

As long as I live and walk this earth, I’m not engaging with that sociopath ever again.

 

[ronmcc2448]

Thought I’d come back and add to this. Honestly I’m mostly doing it because at this point it seems like almost a joke.

So he’s been texting here and there but we kept it short and cold. Then he eventually asked if I want to talk on the phone, I thought okay, I may get answers (bad choice on my end, should have known better)

So he tells me he hooked up with this girl drunk at a party and after 1 date he wants her and already asked her if she wanted kids (even though after we dated almost a year, he still didn’t know if he wanted me). Anyway then he described the sex they had... WHO DOES THIS!? He said oh and I’m positively surprised she likes rough sex. I was SHOCKED. I told him didn’t YOU say you didn’t enjoy it!?? He said yes I actually do but we need to slowly do it, not be so rough right away, and I’m not repeating my mistakes with you! (Jaw drop) and the douche said “well I realized it’s also your fault, it takes two! I depended on you to tell me if you wanted it rough or not”. I’m not the one who had to numb herself!!!
Then he said oh I’ve been fantasizing about you and the great intense sex we had (again, that he blamed and dumped me for) and then he started masturbating on the phone and sent me a dick pic (even though he wants that other woman.)

I told him this means NOTHING to me anymore. He’s nothing, and I told him the issue here isn’t your ex, it isn’t me, it’s YOU and it has to do with your childhood.

As long as I live and walk this earth, I’m not engaging with that sociopath ever again.

Rey,

He will never settle down.He is looking to fulfill and find something and I would bet he truly doesn't know what that IT is. He is a master talker manipulator.

He needs to be in counseling and deal with his childhood issues you mentioned. Until then he will only move from woman to woman in search of The Perfect Rough Sex not even sure if that's what he truly wants or needs. As you have seen he cant be trusted and is thinking with his little head. I would be willing to bet you two aren't the only woman who are on the hook currently. RUN and dont look back and block him from everything.

 

[Reyhoney]

I honestly don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t reach out on here for help, I think an experience like this (my first BDSM experience) would have ruined me forever without the guidance I received from all of you.

I blamed myself for so long and I hated myself cause I felt like it was all my fault and I kept replying him rejecting me over and over in my head that I felt so shitty about myself, but now I see I was never the problem. He had a mask on the entire time and he got me good. There’s something turbulent going on within him that needs to be addressed. I started thinking maybe he truly is a sociopath even though I feel bad even for thinking that. Even if he isn’t, he seems unhinged and his sexual tendencies are backwards and messed up.

I really do wonder what happens in his new relationship, I mean he’s already discusing kids? Guess I’ll never find out.

 

[PurpleNurple101]

I honestly don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t reach out on here for help, I think an experience like this (my first BDSM experience) would have ruined me forever without the guidance I received from all of you.

I blamed myself for so long and I hated myself cause I felt like it was all my fault and I kept replying him rejecting me over and over in my head that I felt so shitty about myself, but now I see I was never the problem. He had a mask on the entire time and he got me good. There’s something turbulent going on within him that needs to be addressed. I started thinking maybe he truly is a sociopath even though I feel bad even for thinking that. Even if he isn’t, he seems unhinged and his sexual tendencies are backwards and messed up.

I really do wonder what happens in his new relationship, I mean he’s already discusing kids? Guess I’ll never find out.

It sounds like you found out all you really need to know about this person. I have read this thread through and while I am new here, it seems to me that you have a great deal of clarity now by comparison or at the very least a pathway towards finding clarity. If some of that comes from conversations here, then you have done well and I applaud you and this group of people who made time and effort for you towards that direction.