help with FWB

[every_mothers_lover]

my FWB thinks that she isnt sexy in any way but i keep telling her that she is wrong.

is there anything that i can do to make/help her stop thinking about herself in that way???

 

[bisexplicit]

By "fwb" I am assuming you mean "friends with benefits."

I'm afraid that self esteem comes from within, and no matter how many times you tell her you find her sexy/beautiful, she won't believe it unless she feels it.

Although - perhaps upgrading her status from "friends with benefits" to an actual girlfriend may help her. (Then again, I just hate the whole concept of such.)

 

[Eilan]

As opposed to "fuck buddy," I assume?

Bi's right. The self-esteem issue is her issue. You can be supportive, but she'll have to work this out for herself.

Is she open to reading threads on Lit? There's been at least one good self-esteem thread on the HT Cafe. You may want to do a search (If I'm not too lazy, I might get around to it) to see what comes up.

 

[Norajane]

I agree with the ladies. She doesn't like what she sees, so she can't imagine that anyone else might. She won't believe it until she sees it and feels it herself.

I do have some advice that may or may not help. It can help if you're specific about what you find sexy about her, and tell her often, not just when you're talking about her insecurities.

If you're in the car and the light hits her eyes, tell her how beautiful she looks in the light. In the midst of sex tell her how sexy her legs are as you run your hands long them slowly. Touch her often when you're together. If you're squeezing past her in the bathroom, caress her waist or arm, and show her how much you like touching her. Kiss her neck. Smell her hair. Give her ass a squeeze. Let your desire show.

I'm not into the whole fwb thing either, and I don't really understand how that works. It may be that she's having issues with your relationship. Like, she finds it hard to believe she's sexy because, here she is having sex with you, and hanging out with you, and being your friend...but you aren't that into her. Not so into her that you want her as your girlfriend. That can make a girl feel real unsexy.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Keep telling her, then tell her some more, and then keep reminding her. Everytime she says she's not, tell her again that she is. Helping someone build self esteem takes a looooooong time. She has to believe it for herself, and you can't force her to believe it. Have patience and keep offering her positive reinforcement. Over time this will make a difference, and she'll start to believe it, even if she says she doesn't.

I know this is frustrating, but don't give up and don't get upset with her when she says you're wrong. That makes it worse.

 

[jst4fun1]

no matter if friend with benefits, girl friend or wife ...
We woman just "fish" for compliments if we dont hear them often enough. Specially on a bad day...
You should know what we like to hear .... just say it ... unexpected =)

 

[bisexplicit]

no matter if friend with benefits, girl friend or wife ...
We woman just "fish" for compliments if we dont hear them often enough. Specially on a bad day...
You should know what we like to hear .... just say it ... unexpected =)

1) Low self esteem and fishing for compliments are two different things.

2) While some women do feel like guys should "know" what we want to hear, often times they don't - especially if they are knew to relationships. Plus, I'd rather hear the truth than a line that they felt expected to give.

3) Welcome to lit.

 

[jst4fun1]

Thank you for the nice welcome Bisexplicit

1) Low self esteem and fishing for compliments are two different things
2) While some women do feel like guys should "know" what we want to hear, often times they don't - especially if they are knew to relationships. Plus, I'd rather hear the truth than a line that they felt expected to give.

to 1: Yes, absolutly agreed upon. But oftentimes mistaken by others as well. ( speaking out of experience)
to 2: depending on the circumstances, if it is a serious relationship, Oh dear, he better speak the truth and mean what he says! Where, if we would be in a so called " fuck buddy" relation ship, "hey just tell me what I need to hear to get me going.... "

Than again... these are my thoughts ... other ppl may feel differently about it

 

[bisexplicit]

to 1: Yes, absolutly agreed upon. But oftentimes mistaken by others as well. ( speaking out of experience)

Thats a really good point. He may be mistaking what she says as low self esteem, when shes just actually looking for a compliment or two. I hadn't even thought of that - but thats certainly something for the original poster to consider.

 

[NewAndEager]

Well as someone who just got out of a FWB situation, and someone with chronically low self esteem (slowly improving), my opinion is that it could be that you like her, but you won't date her.

my "fuck buddy" was someone I had just stopped dating. For me, it seemed that I was good enough to fuck, but not good enough to date. He told me constantly that he thought I was <insert whatever good compliment here> but it did no good because I saw myself as just a vagina for him to use.

I got out of that situation, and my self esteem has been gradually rising because I realize I'm more than that and other guys are hitting on me.

Just my two cents.

 

[Norajane]

Well as someone who just got out of a FWB situation, and someone with chronically low self esteem (slowly improving), my opinion is that it could be that you like her, but you won't date her.

my "fuck buddy" was someone I had just stopped dating. For me, it seemed that I was good enough to fuck, but not good enough to date. He told me constantly that he thought I was <insert whatever good compliment here> but it did no good because I saw myself as just a vagina for him to use.

I got out of that situation, and my self esteem has been gradually rising because I realize I'm more than that and other guys are hitting on me.

Just my two cents.

Thanks for putting in your two cents!

And congratulations for getting out of a relationship that made you feel bad. You should be proud of yourself for doing that.

 

[ickle_stace]

see with the FWB thing, I'm the other way around at the moment. I've been sleeping with a guy from lit, he decided he didn't want a relationship with anyone at the moment, but the sex is great, he's the first guy that has ever gone down on me, and he makes me feel special when I'm with him. Tells me I'm beautiful and things and I don't have to ask for them. Whereas guys who've just wanted sex in the past haven't bothered to do that, and my exes just treated me like crap and made me feel worthless. But this guy has improved my confidence so much. And it's meant I can still have the company I crave normally because I get lonely on my own, but then I can still have my life and put uni first. Not that I'd say no to being with him in a relationship, but if it happens it happens and if it doesn't then I'll wait until someone comes into my life who does.

I guess thats just my way of explaining that just sleeping with someone can work. I used to think it couldn't but it has to be with the right person, and we both agreed we'd both been against such a thing in the past because we didn't like the idea of sleeping around, so we just only sleep with each other and it works.

As for the self esteem thing. I've been there and yeah you do want to believe guys know what to say. But you don't want it to be a line, and all you can do is keep complimenting her but honestly mean it. She has to learn to love herself the way she is. I mean I came on here last August, and I was shy and I had zero confidence, and I was persuaded to post some pics of myself, and people were messaging me telling me I was beautiful and stuff, and it was the thing I needed to finally make me realise that I should love myself for who I am

Gonna shut up now before I bore you all

 

[every_mothers_lover]

Update

My FWB has now become my G/F
but is still lacking in the area of not thinking that she is beautiful

ickle_stace thanks for your personal view i hope to hear more about you and your FWB

 

[ickle_stace]

My FWB has now become my G/F
but is still lacking in the area of not thinking that she is beautiful

ickle_stace thanks for your personal view i hope to hear more about you and your FWB

just give it time

you can make her feel beautiful all you want, but she has to realise it herself

just keep showing her you care for her xx

 

[wicked woman]

I'm feeling an anti friend with benefit vibe here. Maybe I'm misinterpreting, and I hope I am, but it sounds a bit like because being FWB isn't for you, that you assume that because the woman is in a FWB relationship she must have low self esteem. While it may be the case...just like a woman in a gf/bf relationship might have a low self esteem... I dislike the assumption. I don't think that there is necessarily a direct relationship.

 

[Norajane]

My FWB has now become my G/F
but is still lacking in the area of not thinking that she is beautiful

She will need more time to get to the point where she herself believes she is sexy. There isn't a lot you can do except be patient and keep telling her how sexy you think she is. But don't expect dramatic results - if she truly has a self-esteem issue, it could take years for her to get to the point where she's not feeling negative.

If she's younger, it could take even longer. Women are bombarded with images of what a sexy woman looks like, and it's not until we gain some experience over time that we start to understand that's all bullshit and sexy actually comes from within and starts with attitude.

 

[ickle_stace]

She will need more time to get to the point where she herself believes she is sexy. There isn't a lot you can do except be patient and keep telling her how sexy you think she is. But don't expect dramatic results - if she truly has a self-esteem issue, it could take years for her to get to the point where she's not feeling negative.

If she's younger, it could take even longer. Women are bombarded with images of what a sexy woman looks like, and it's not until we gain some experience over time that we start to understand that's all bullshit and sexy actually comes from within and starts with attitude.

yeah, its taken me about 5 years to get over my self esteem issues

 

[M's girl]

yeah, its taken me about 5 years to get over my self esteem issues

Five years? Guess I'm still working on some of them sometimes... Does anyone have, like me, different sentiments at different times? I can be so confident sometimes and then the next time I'm not sure...

Confidence is a state of mind that still shifts with me...

 

[Eilan]

I'm feeling an anti friend with benefit vibe here. Maybe I'm misinterpreting, and I hope I am, but it sounds a bit like because being FWB isn't for you, that you assume that because the woman is in a FWB relationship she must have low self esteem. While it may be the case...just like a woman in a gf/bf relationship might have a low self esteem... I dislike the assumption. I don't think that there is necessarily a direct relationship.

I'm not particularly in favor of FwB or fuckbuddy relationships, but if I implied that there's a connection between these relationships and low self-esteem, I certainly didn't intend to do so.

I've seen enough threads dealing with self-esteem issues to know that low self-esteem manifests itself in lots of relationships.

 

[ickle_stace]

Five years? Guess I'm still working on some of them sometimes... Does anyone have, like me, different sentiments at different times? I can be so confident sometimes and then the next time I'm not sure...

Confidence is a state of mind that still shifts with me...

well, i used to hate myself all the time, whereas now, the majority of the time i like myself, and im happy with myself, it just sometimes goes wrong and i feel low of confidence, but on the whole im happy

 

[wicked woman]

I'm not particularly in favor of FwB or fuckbuddy relationships, but if I implied that there's a connection between these relationships and low self-esteem, I certainly didn't intend to do so.

I've seen enough threads dealing with self-esteem issues to know that low self-esteem manifests itself in lots of relationships.

Thanks for the feedback Eilan....my comments weren't meant at anyone specifically. Just my reaction to the thread.