Hmm... a little help needed...

[TallHotChick]

In the year and a half that i have been with my boyfriend, i have always faked orgasms, the only way i can get one is by myself. It makes me feel so bad about not telling him, and i feel so guilty. But i was his first sexual experience(he wasnt mine, but i had the same problem with my ex), so i dont want to put him off, and i dont want to think he is doing anything wrong, because he isnt. I can just never climax. Does anyone have any similar experiences or advice for me?

Thank you

[x]TallHotChick[x]

 

[SweetErika]

What is it that you're doing by yourself that he doesn't do? You could gently teach him to do the same. Could one of the differences be fantasizing?

 

[TallHotChick]

Hmm.. I'm not sure..
i've tried to teach him the things that i do, but that had very little effect.
Its mostly when we are having sex, could it just be put down to being unexperienced?

 

[SweetErika]

Hmm.. I'm not sure..
i've tried to teach him the things that i do, but that had very little effect.
Its mostly when we are having sex, could it just be put down to being unexperienced?

I think you have to keep trying; teaching someone and learning to communicate well about sexuality takes time. Sometimes our partners don't really listen to us, too, so repetition and being very clear is necessary. It took my husband about six years to wake up and start listening/responding to my cues during sex. I'm equally responsible for that though, because I didn't speak up or communicate well with him.

I think what I'd do in your situation is come up with a bunch of new things together. For example, the "Try this and Report Back" thread's g-spot techniques (which can also help you orgasm during intercourse), oral tricks, get some toys, and various interesting things in The Blank Manual sticky. I wouldn't bombard my partner with a bunch of new things, I'd introduce them slowly with a, "Hey, I saw this online, and it looks like a lot of fun. What do you think? Are you up for giving it a try?"

Experimenting with new things provides lots of opportunities to learn about pleasing each other, even if those are techniques we should have covered years ago. It'd be a fresh start, more or less, which is what I'd need to break out of the faking cycle. From there, we could start building REAL knowledge, pleasure and GENUINE reactions to it, of course. That also has a tendency to strengthen a relationship in all ways, in my experience.

Is something like that do-able for you?

 

[TallHotChick]

Yes, thank you for the advice, and i have also decided to be honest with him and work from there. I may keep away from the toys idea whilst i'm still living at home with my parents though... you never know when someone might go snooping...

Thank you so much for your advice

 

[mathis847]

In the year and a half that i have been with my boyfriend, i have always faked orgasms, the only way i can get one is by myself. It makes me feel so bad about not telling him, and i feel so guilty. But i was his first sexual experience(he wasnt mine, but i had the same problem with my ex), so i dont want to put him off, and i dont want to think he is doing anything wrong, because he isnt. I can just never climax. Does anyone have any similar experiences or advice for me?

Thank you

[x]TallHotChick[x]

what a coincidence .. i have the same , or had the same probelm .. erika kinda helped me out with mine so i strongly recommend using her advice .. my bf could never get me off either .. he would get me close , but i never climaxed unless i was helping or just doing it myself... but .. maybe if you try what i did .. teasing ( same as foreplay really , or was for me ) and then maybe going back and forth ... he plays with you , you play with him etc ... now what worked for me was him playing with m gspot and kissing my inner thighs while i used a vibe .. i understand u live at home wiht the parents lol , but look at it this way , if they find them .. just tell them hey at least im doing it safely! you know .. i dont know if that helped any , but it did for me !

 

[Verbiwhore]

Congrats on the honesty.
Don't clam up now tho, keep some noises going, using up that extra oxygen can really heighten the pleasure.
Sounds are a very good way of letting him know what he's doing right, hearing how much the other person is enjoying themselves always makes sex seem so much sexier.

 

[SweetErika]

Yes, thank you for the advice, and i have also decided to be honest with him and work from there. I may keep away from the toys idea whilst i'm still living at home with my parents though... you never know when someone might go snooping...

Thank you so much for your advice

You're welcome.

I'm not sure if I'd tell someone I'd been faking if there was a possibility we could work around it. I believe in honesty, but sometimes changing the behavior and steering it in a new direction is enough, I think. I suppose I'd be afraid it'd be too hard on them long-term, which wouldn't accomplish anything either.

Interesting topic. I wonder if what most men would want.

I'm just thinking aloud, since this is something I've never really thought about, not advising you.

 

[Eilan]

Interesting topic. I wonder if what most men would want.

I smell a new thread.

 

[elizabeth22673]

teach him how honey. take his hand and show him

 

[human_male]

I don't know about your situation or what the bf is like, but I wouldn't like someone to fake it with me. I'd much prefer she communicate her needs with me and help me to improve.

 

[SweetErika]

I don't know about your situation or what the bf is like, but I wouldn't like someone to fake it with me. I'd much prefer she communicate her needs with me and help me to improve.

I'm guessing that's the case for just about everyone, but I think this is often a well-intentioned mistake, which then becomes a trap that's extremely difficult to get out of.

 

[VampireD]

yes my boyfriend has never made me climax either.. but I do a better job as well gettin myself off lol jk

 

[human_male]

I'm guessing that's the case for just about everyone, but I think this is often a well-intentioned mistake, which then becomes a trap that's extremely difficult to get out of.

What's the alternative?

 

[tryptamine]

If you tell him you've been faking orgasms he will never be able to trust any reaction he gets out of you in bed again. It will be a tremendous blow to his confidence, especially since you are his first sexual partner.

I'd avoid that if I were you. Just show him what you want without telling him you've been faking it. Personally I don't think I could sleep with someone again if they told me they'd been faking orgasms.

 

[SusanneS]

I agree with "don't tell".
I'd go with "I love the sex we're having, but here's something that would make it even better for me. It would give me stronger / better / more orgams. Is there anything I could do better for you?"

 

[SweetErika]

What's the alternative?

Er...to not fake it and try to teach your partner.

I was just saying I don't think most women believe faking in a LTR is a positive thing. It's more like a, "Well, just this once, since I'm not even close and he's trying so hard and I don't want to hurt his feelings," kind of thing. Then next time we've already set an expectation, so if he's doing the same thing, we get sucked into "rewarding" him with the same reaction. At least those are common thoughts, but I'm certainly not speaking for all women here.

It seems pretty clear the OP knows faking it wasn't right or beneficial, she feels bad about it and wants to do the right thing now. I don't think there's any point in chastising or telling someone they were wrong, when they've already stated as much and are asking for help to changet. Given the fact that the majority of women know it's wrong and hurtful, advice on how to make it right is a lot more helpful than harping on on something that's already done, that's all.

 

[SweetErika]

If you tell him you've been faking orgasms he will never be able to trust any reaction he gets out of you in bed again. It will be a tremendous blow to his confidence, especially since you are his first sexual partner.

I'd avoid that if I were you. Just show him what you want without telling him you've been faking it. Personally I don't think I could sleep with someone again if they told me they'd been faking orgasms.

That's exactly what my husband said when I asked him. He doesn't need or want brutal honesty like that, and would just want the faking to stop and to move in a positive direction from that point on.

Honesty is admirable, but sometimes it's more about guilt, and has the potential to do more harm than good.

FYI, I started a thread on whether or not you'd WANT honesty in the HT Cafe, if anyone's interested.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hmm.. I'm not sure..
i've tried to teach him the things that i do, but that had very little effect.
Its mostly when we are having sex, could it just be put down to being unexperienced?

A year and half! Your teaching has had no effect because he thinks it's working when you fake. He thinks he's getting it right.

You have a long process ahead of you if you want him to completely change his technique now and really, only yourself to blame.

Nevertheless, posting for help is acknowledging the problem and I do hope you can work things out.

 

[VampireD]

alright, new opinion..get a new boyfriend, one who can treat you like a woman and have you on cloud 9.. obviously this scrub doesn't know what he is doing

 

[ickle_stace]

lesson for the future, don't fake

I've only faked in the past when I've had sex with guys i didn't wanna be having sex with (well only my first boyfriend really - he treated me really badly, and i just wanted the sex to be over).

But normally I do make noise, but I think when guys get to know me well, they can tell when I'm cumming by my noises, cos I don't see the point in faking, not with a guy who cares about me, if he cares that much he'll want to make me cum

as for your bf, im not sure what you can do if he's been doing what he thinks works for a year and a half. maybe you could not fake it, and maybe he'll mention it or try something different

maybe if he mentions it you can tell him sometimes you need different ways to make you cum, and then you can show him the new way and say you like it that way, and he might do it that way from then on

 

[TallHotChick]

alright, new opinion..get a new boyfriend, one who can treat you like a woman and have you on cloud 9.. obviously this scrub doesn't know what he is doing

No way!

 

[human_male]

Er...to not fake it and try to teach your partner.

Isn't that what I fukkin said?

 

[human_male]

Given the fact that the majority of women know it's wrong and hurtful, advice on how to make it right is a lot more helpful than harping on on something that's already done, that's all.

And how have I done that?

 

[boston_bbw]

I admitted to faking with my FB very early on. In fact after I think the 2nd time I faked...granted we discussed it via IM not in person. ... we talked it out and he felt worse about the fact that I felt I needed to lie to him then the fact that he "wasn't cutting it". I think he was secretly relieved to find out I was on an antidepressant and inexperienced.. I promised I wouldnt lie about it again and we changed a few things and BINGO! I'm a happy girl and he knows it