nightrider6918
Conversationalist
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How can i get my gf more into physical fun?
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SweetErika
Fingers Crossed
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- Apr 27, 2004
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Welcome. 
Honestly? I'd suggest cutting your losses now. If she's not ready for sex at her age, after 3.5 years with you AND she's unwilling to satisfy your needs in other ways, you're looking at a dead end. Sex doesn't get better with marriage, kids and the general stress of life, even when you have two people who really enjoy sex. If you're thinking, 'our sex life will get better when...' you'll undoubtedly find yourself posting in one of the "Married and Sexually Unfulfilled" threads down the line.
By all means, have some honest conversations with her about this, but recognize this is likely who she is and it's pretty unreasonable to think she'll change. You'll be doing yourselves a huge favor by severing the romantic relationship so you can both find people who are better matches.
Honestly? I'd suggest cutting your losses now. If she's not ready for sex at her age, after 3.5 years with you AND she's unwilling to satisfy your needs in other ways, you're looking at a dead end. Sex doesn't get better with marriage, kids and the general stress of life, even when you have two people who really enjoy sex. If you're thinking, 'our sex life will get better when...' you'll undoubtedly find yourself posting in one of the "Married and Sexually Unfulfilled" threads down the line.
By all means, have some honest conversations with her about this, but recognize this is likely who she is and it's pretty unreasonable to think she'll change. You'll be doing yourselves a huge favor by severing the romantic relationship so you can both find people who are better matches.
Island_Barbarian
Sex God Wannabe
- Joined
- Jun 19, 2009
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- 1,157
Ditto. (I was thinking the same thing)
She might get more interested in sex when she reaches 35 or more, but I wouldn't bet on any big change. (no idea how hold she is now)
She might get more interested in sex when she reaches 35 or more, but I wouldn't bet on any big change. (no idea how hold she is now)
a75
Really Experienced
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- Mar 22, 2011
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- 275
If you 've been dating for well over 3.5 years and you haven't had sex yet apart from sporadic handjobs, I think something's wrong in your description. She is not your girlfriend. She is a good female friend, whom you 've just made a few "more adult" things with, in comparison to your other friends.
I don't know if the reasons of her attitude are hormonic, religious, educational, or she just hasn't found the "right one" yet. In any case it is her choice, therefore you should also make your own choice: Do you intend to stay in a sexless something-like-relationship, hoping it 'll change in the future, or not? I think this is the real question, and not what you can do to get her into physical fun
I don't know if the reasons of her attitude are hormonic, religious, educational, or she just hasn't found the "right one" yet. In any case it is her choice, therefore you should also make your own choice: Do you intend to stay in a sexless something-like-relationship, hoping it 'll change in the future, or not? I think this is the real question, and not what you can do to get her into physical fun
pplwatching
Full grown man
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2003
- Posts
- 2,374
I think that it's important not to throw the baby out with the bath water here. It sounds like you two need to do a better job of communicating with each other. From your short post it looks a little bit like you've approached this as a problem about her desire and her interest. How do you feel that your wants and needs line up with hers? Have you talked about your expectations for this relationship?
Do you have some sort of an agreement that you will abstain from penetrative sex in your relationship, and are you asking her to change that? There's nothing wrong with it if you do, but if so it may be unreasonable to expect her to be more sexual if you've both agreed to wait for marriage for personal reasons. She might just be concerned that more aggressive sexual activity will tempt both of you to do something against your values.
If not, does she have some kind of history of sexual trauma in her past that might make her reluctant to become more sexual with you? Does she have weight or other body issues that might make her feel undesirable sexually? If so, are you willing to help her work through them?
If you both agree that you are open to more sexual activity, then you need to talk more about what she needs to be a more active partner. How do you feel that you contribute to her sexual response? What kinds of things do you do to make her feel loved, desired, and sexual? Are you taking the time to focus on all of the other aspects of your relationship so that she can feel comfortable and enthusiastic about sex with you?
If you are committed to her, then you need to communicate your needs to her in a way that don't make this about her sexual response. Consider what you can do differently to encourage a more intimate sexual relationship. Finally, consider the fact that she might just not have a high sexual drive. If so, are you willing to accept that to have a loving relationship with her?
Do you have some sort of an agreement that you will abstain from penetrative sex in your relationship, and are you asking her to change that? There's nothing wrong with it if you do, but if so it may be unreasonable to expect her to be more sexual if you've both agreed to wait for marriage for personal reasons. She might just be concerned that more aggressive sexual activity will tempt both of you to do something against your values.
If not, does she have some kind of history of sexual trauma in her past that might make her reluctant to become more sexual with you? Does she have weight or other body issues that might make her feel undesirable sexually? If so, are you willing to help her work through them?
If you both agree that you are open to more sexual activity, then you need to talk more about what she needs to be a more active partner. How do you feel that you contribute to her sexual response? What kinds of things do you do to make her feel loved, desired, and sexual? Are you taking the time to focus on all of the other aspects of your relationship so that she can feel comfortable and enthusiastic about sex with you?
If you are committed to her, then you need to communicate your needs to her in a way that don't make this about her sexual response. Consider what you can do differently to encourage a more intimate sexual relationship. Finally, consider the fact that she might just not have a high sexual drive. If so, are you willing to accept that to have a loving relationship with her?
BertrandRussell
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jan 15, 2009
- Posts
- 288
She's not ready yet? What, exactly, does it take for her to be ready?
Ask her. If she can't give you a simple and concise answer, cut your losses and end the relationship. Otherwise, you are doomed to this kind of frustrating uncertainty until you do.
Note that I'm not saying end the relationship if she won't have sex with you. I'm saying end the relationship if she won't take resposibility for her own emotional growth and maturity.
