How do i get him to admit it?

[Sultry14U]

I already know s/o is cheating. I know who it's with.


Now, how the fuck do i get him (or her) to admit it to my face?

 

[Halo_n_horns]

I already know s/o is cheating. I know who it's with.


Now, how the fuck do i get him (or her) to admit it to my face?

Invite the two of them to dinner and tell them.

 

[M's girl]

What do you want the result to be? Do you want him to stay? Do you just want to confront them, get it over with and dismiss them both? If you know the person he's cheating with, you probably know her one way or the other, is she a friend and do you want to remain friends with her (if that's at all possible)?

It would depend on those answers for me how I would go about it, I guess. I surely would want them both to admit it though....

Circumstances might make a difference somewhat too. How was your relationship before you found out?

It's hard to give you an answer since we know so little....

 

[Reba67]

Have you asked him about it? Are you SURE? Before you go making a fool of yourself, be sure.

 

[bisexplicit]

Why does he have to admit it? Perhaps you want him to, but it doesn't mean he will. You can confront him, and he still can lie.

All you can do is pick up and move on. Or, alternatively, see a relationship/marriage counselor to help you deal with your issues and see if you can stick it through.

 

[Mitsouko]

If you know for certain, don't bother getting him to admit it. Take the kids, clean out the bank account, be gone before he knows what hit him. Oh and take his favorite car, that always seems to hurt. He'll remember that long after the person he cheated with.

 

[Sultry14U]

What do you want the result to be? Do you want him to stay? Do you just want to confront them, get it over with and dismiss them both? If you know the person he's cheating with, you probably know her one way or the other, is she a friend and do you want to remain friends with her (if that's at all possible)?

It would depend on those answers for me how I would go about it, I guess. I surely would want them both to admit it though....

Circumstances might make a difference somewhat too. How was your relationship before you found out?

It's hard to give you an answer since we know so little....

I have no idea what i want the result to be. There is no way in hell i could remain friends (or anything else) with her.

We've always had our rocky moments....but we always pull through. Right now, i don't think we're strong enough to pull through this. Alot of damage has already been done.

This is someone he knows through his work. Brought her into our bed, with me. I KNEW on that night. And as the days and wks go by everything that he has said/done just makes it more then crystal clear.

 

[Sultry14U]

If you know for certain, don't bother getting him to admit it. Take the kids, clean out the bank account, be gone before he knows what hit him. Oh and take his favorite car, that always seems to hurt. He'll remember that long after the person he cheated with.

Trust me, i've already thought about it more then once.

 

[human_male]

Cheaters suck.

 

[cinnamonstick]

This is someone he knows through his work. Brought her into our bed, with me. I KNEW on that night. And as the days and wks go by everything that he has said/done just makes it more then crystal clear.

What was she doing in the bed with you????

 

[Lust Engine]

Don't expect anything from these people any more. Don't consider them to be trusted friends anymore. Take control of what you can- and there's LOTS, and move on... that's ultimately what will happen anyway so why not start now?

 

[tryptamine]

Just dump him.

Who cares if he admits it or not? It's not necessary to expend all this effort, just dump him and move on.

If you know he's cheating you're just putting yourself through more shit by dragging it out trying to get a confession. Someone who cheats shows themselves to be self-interested and obviously doesn't really care about you.

So just dump him.

 

[M's girl]

This is someone he knows through his work. Brought her into our bed, with me. I KNEW on that night. And as the days and wks go by everything that he has said/done just makes it more then crystal clear.

And you allowed that? Well, obviously....

There are others who will say it still could have worked, but I don't know. THIS is exactly the reason why threesomes are NOT my thing. I don't even know if you communicated well enough before he brought her into your bed (or was it a mutual decision?). Did you? Did you talk about the circumstances and what the TWO of you would do IF any of you (three!) would fall in love or something?

But even if you did... sex is a powerful thing; a powerful emotion. You have to be able to switch that off somehow to be able to do them (threesomes) in my opinion. I, for one, would not want to have sex with someone who can do that, because that would mean he could do that with me as well, switch off his emotions and fuck me without them. I could NEVER do that deliberately!

Did you know her well enough to know that she had no alternative motive to sleep with you and your husband? If she did, it probably worked...

Okay, I know you don't NEED a lecture at this moment. But from my point of view you were just setting yourself up for this. You say other things were wrong as well. How the heck do you think bringing a third person into your bed will make things better? Just because it will please HIM and he will be so grateful to you that all else is fine all of a sudden? It doesn't work like that. People are basically always thinking about themselves first. In this case there are two people who used you and are mainly only thinking about themselves first now....

So ask yourself the questions. What would happen if you two would talk it out (say you could) and decide to start fresh? Would that work for you? Could you ever forgive and forget? I tell you: I could not. But if you could... would the other problems you already had be ones you could solve on top of the big issue at this moment? It takes two VERY strong and determined people to do that and make it work.

If you agreed on the threesome before and he promised to NOT see her outside of that.... he lied. If he brought her into YOUR bedroom without consulting properly with you he probably already lied about why he wanted that before he did. Also.... he might argue that sleeping with her is OK now that you had the threesome. I say: he suggested to have the threesome to be excused for fucking her, also without you present. Only, that is something entirely different and many people (mostly men I dare to say) don't get that. Or wish not to get that!

That's what I'm thinking. If it were me (I guess no matter what the answers to the above questions would be) I would drop him like a hot potato! Does it matter if he confesses? Probably not, but I would want him to, for my own peace of mind. I would want him to realize and admit that he hurt me. I am like that.

 

[Sultry14U]

And you allowed that? Well, obviously....

There are others who will say it still could have worked, but I don't know. THIS is exactly the reason why threesomes are NOT my thing. I don't even know if you communicated well enough before he brought her into your bed (or was it a mutual decision?). Did you? Did you talk about the circumstances and what the TWO of you would do IF any of you (three!) would fall in love or something?

But even if you did... sex is a powerful thing; a powerful emotion. You have to be able to switch that off somehow to be able to do them (threesomes) in my opinion. I, for one, would not want to have sex with someone who can do that, because that would mean he could do that with me as well, switch off his emotions and fuck me without them. I could NEVER do that deliberately!

Did you know her well enough to know that she had no alternative motive to sleep with you and your husband? If she did, it probably worked...

Okay, I know you don't NEED a lecture at this moment. But from my point of view you were just setting yourself up for this. You say other things were wrong as well. How the heck do you think bringing a third person into your bed will make things better? Just because it will please HIM and he will be so grateful to you that all else is fine all of a sudden? It doesn't work like that. People are basically always thinking about themselves first. In this case there are two people who used you and are mainly only thinking about themselves first now....

So ask yourself the questions. What would happen if you two would talk it out (say you could) and decide to start fresh? Would that work for you? Could you ever forgive and forget? I tell you: I could not. But if you could... would the other problems you already had be ones you could solve on top of the big issue at this moment? It takes two VERY strong and determined people to do that and make it work.

If you agreed on the threesome before and he promised to NOT see her outside of that.... he lied. If he brought her into YOUR bedroom without consulting properly with you he probably already lied about why he wanted that before he did. Also.... he might argue that sleeping with her is OK now that you had the threesome. I say: he suggested to have the threesome to be excused for fucking her, also without you present. Only, that is something entirely different and many people (mostly men I dare to say) don't get that. Or wish not to get that!

That's what I'm thinking. If it were me (I guess no matter what the answers to the above questions would be) I would drop him like a hot potato! Does it matter if he confesses? Probably not, but I would want him to, for my own peace of mind. I would want him to realize and admit that he hurt me. I am like that.

I'm bi. He's known that for over 10 yrs, since we've been together. Sharing someone is something that been discussed many, many times over.

From the circumstances : I'm gathering that they were fucking before we ever talked about bringing her into our bed. This was just there way of it being ok. It was pretty much a set-up from the start.

He knew already that she was a squirter, that she liked people to be aggressive in bed....and ALOT of other things.

Oh, and as my added bonus: Since that night....anytime we've actually tried having sex alone he's unable to keep it up. Pretty damn big red flag when thats NEVER been a problem before. And he mentions why can't you be more aggressive?" and wants me to talk to him like she does. Ummm, yeah sorry...not gonna happen ever!

 

[TBKahuna123]

I'm one of those "anything can be worked out" kind of guys, but I think this one is doomed. It's obvious to me that he doesn't give a shit about you. He didn't bring her into your bed to fulfill a fantasy of yours, he did it to exploit your preference for his own pleasure. I hate to see any marriage end, but I think your assessment is dead on, he's been with her for a while.

I understand though, your desire to have him admit it. The worst part of infidelity is the betrayal and the psychological pain it causes. Making him admit it is a moral victory, one which can be empowering in a situation which can strip one of their self esteem. I've been there on that side of things, and hearing her admit it was what gave me the final strength to not second guess myself. Even more empowering is when they come begging back and say what a mistake they made and you get to tell them to go fuck themselves. But I digress.

As for how to make him admit it, all you can do is confront him with it and see if he cracks. He'll probably admit it because he obviously doesn't give a shit one way or the other.

Good luck to you, and stay strong.

 

[M's girl]

Kahuna: so glad you are back!

Sultry: well, I did not know that of course, but what Kahuna said (and you already suspect) is dead on! He used you.

I wonder if he will EVER admit EVERYTHING there is to admit. Not even when he realizes your relationship is over and you need that from him for closure. He probably won't give you that.

I would at least make sure I had said everything I wanted to say. Because, although he might not respond and you will never see the reaction you want and need, it will be on his mind for a long time, probably. No benefits for you there (at least not to see)....

Good luck!

 

[Carnevil9]

I already know s/o is cheating. I know who it's with.


Now, how the fuck do i get him (or her) to admit it to my face?

If you already know it, you don't need him to admit it.

If you do need him to admit it, you don't really know it.

You need to make up your mind which it is, then make the tough choice to follow through.

 

[M's girl]

If you already know it, you don't need him to admit it.

If you do need him to admit it, you don't really know it.

That is so not true and not how it 'works'. If people could rationalize everything thát easy in this world, we would have far less problems, if none...

 

[Bystander]

dump him move on. Save yourself the trouble and stress.
No one likes to be dumped, so if you wanna get back at him thats one way to do it.

 

[BigM]

....clean out the bank account, be gone before he knows what hit him. Oh and take his favorite car, that always seems to hurt. He'll remember that long after the person he cheated with.

People bring such vindictiveness to S/0's caught cheating. I don't get it.

I once had a last fling with an old girlfriend. It happened while my wife and I were dating -- but before we were engaged. Well, years later, my wife eventually found out about it. Instead of getting angry, she got even (sort of).

"You owe me one," she declared with a mischevious grin.

"I owe you one what?" I asked.

"The freedom to have an affair."

Hmmm. It did indeed seem like a little tit for tat was fair. "Ok," I said. "But I don't want to know any of the details."

Since then we've been as close as ever. My point: Be adult about it. Leave him, or if your relationship is strong, find a way to get over it. But turning vengeful isn't right. That's what children do.

 

[Eilan]

People bring such vindictiveness to S/0's caught cheating. I don't get it.

If you've never been cheated on (and the scenario that you described doesn't count, IMO), then you probably wouldn't get it.

It's not the approach that I'd take, but because I was betrayed by my ex, I can certainly understand the appeal. It was probably better for him that I waited a few months to take action after I had met with an attorney. That way I wasn't ruled by my emotions.

As trite as it sounds, I found, however, that living well really is the best revenge. I showed my ex that the kids and I are better off without him.

 

[M's girl]

If you've never been cheated on (and the scenario that you described doesn't count, IMO), then you probably wouldn't get it.

It's not the approach that I'd take, but because I was betrayed by my ex, I can certainly understand the appeal. It was probably better for him that I waited a few months to take action after I had met with an attorney. That way I wasn't ruled by my emotions.

As trite as it sounds, I found, however, that living well really is the best revenge. I showed my ex that the kids and I are better off without him.

Maybe it leaves a door open for him to cheat in return again, this time during the marriage...

I agree about the living well statement. That is the coolest thing you can do for yourself and the kids.