How do I get past this?

[david_42]

I grew up in the bible belt as well. Went to a church school for eight years. Had the great luck of figuring out what a hypocrite was when I was about seven and realized just about everyone involved in the church and school fell into that group.

Unfortunately, one of the areas where everybody is born an expert is sex, so they don't feel obligated to learn anything or even try to learn. I realize most guys would disagree, but bad sex isn't worth the hassles. I define bad sex as anything you don't feel good about before, during and after.

Younger guys tend to jackhammer because they are used to beating off. And I mean beat! Some of them learn better, but it takes a long time. An older man might be worth trying.

 

[TBKahuna123]

I guess I wasn't really trying to make any assumptions about you only going after hot guys or being shallow in your criteria like that or anything, but obviously, as you said, youare attracting the wrong type for you. Why did I recommend geeks? Easy, because usually us geeks are more gentle and caring than the average guy. Not to mention those who spend hours a day on the Playstation are great with their fingers, but that's another story.

Here's a hit, those guys that are easy to pick up are the ones that won't fulfill you. The shy ones, the ones that "wait too long", the ones that are your platonic friends because they are afraid to cross a line and lose your friendship, those are the ones you need. Anyone can be a good lover, all they have to do is give a shit. Care enough to ask, care enough to listen, care enough to learn what your partner likes and dislikes. The shy ones usually have confidence problems and need an ego boost. Believe me there's no better ego boost than a post orgasmic woman clutching your arms and breathlessly repeating, "oh my god!"

Now yes, I just over exaggerated all of this, but I'm trying to make a point. It's obvious to me what you're looking for and it's hard to find, because as you said, you don't knwo for sure until they show their true colors. Just keep searching and don't give in to dispair. Maybe someone will invent a jerk detector some day, but until then it's still a crap shoot. I would just say don't be afraid to make the first move if you meet a guy who seems a bit shy that you like. In 2005, it's ok for the woman to make the first move.

 

[TBKahuna123]

I grew up in the bible belt as well. Went to a church school for eight years. Had the great luck of figuring out what a hypocrite was when I was about seven and realized just about everyone involved in the church and school fell into that group.

At first I was gonna say "wait a minute, that's unfair", but then I realized that I've been to churches like that too. Having joined the Joy Guilt Club, sorry I mean the Catholic Church just a few years ago, I've spent a lot of time researching and reconciling my views with the church's views on sexuality. What I've learned is there's a fine line between true church teaching of sex being sacred, and what it gets twisted into as sex being bad. Sex is bad is a guilt technique used to scare kids into not screwing around and getting pregnant, not dishonoring their family and men of the dark ages not being able to reconcile themselves to the fact that they aren't sticking their dicks where no man has gone before. It's a whole homophobia thing, but that's a whole other discussion.

Unfortunately, one of the areas where everybody is born an expert is sex, so they don't feel obligated to learn anything or even try to learn. I realize most guys would disagree, but bad sex isn't worth the hassles. I define bad sex as anything you don't feel good about before, during and after.

Dean on! Also, everyone has the same reaction when their partner tries something new(well most people). Even my wife, open, adventursome, loving, asked me that dreaded question "why are you trying to learn something new? Are you bored?" This was after she just came down from a half dozen g-gasms, so obviously this bothered her if she could think through that. Still, it was the insecurity that she might not be doing enough to please me that prompted her to ask why. Now she's smart enough to know that when I told her I just wanted to learn something new so we DIDN'T get bored and that I wanted to continue to grow, that she took it as it jumped ont he bandwagon for the ride. A lot fo guys especially act defensively and still think their failing, thus their egos are bruised. That's male nature, and some of us are just dumb.

There's no excuse for bad sex. I don't knwo a woman alive who would condem a man if he asked her what he could do to make her feel better. I think almost all of them would be gratified to know that we care enough to learn what they want.

Of course most of us won't even ask for directions when we're lost ont he road, so perhaps asking for directions in the sack is an unreasonable expectation.

 

[mikeofokc]

Simple Communication

I know this will sound stupidly too simple but whats wrong with talking to your possible bed partner about what each of you likes and dislikes before ripping off your clothes and acting like teenagers again. Technique is really important but also its what common desires and fantasies we share that really can take sex to the next level of physical and emotional enjoyment.

Why is it a couple will spend more time talking about how long to microwave a pizza than they will about what makes great sex. One of the most important needs in our lives and people seem to be too shy to share their thoughts with that special someone.

Great sex does require a little bit of learning about each others bodies and how we can physically stimulate our partners in a manner that allows for the greatest pleasure and enjoyment. But a more important factor is to be able to understand and share our intimate thoughts. If a male thinks that what he saw once in a porn video is what turns every woman on then he cant learn differently until you tell him. But also by sharing likes and dislikes we open our minds and allow our thoughts and desires to be understood. Like any erotic story sharing those thoughts can paint a mental picture which will not only allow our partners some understanding but also stimulate their erotic desires and allow for a more pleasurable time.

Its sad that as we grow up that know one can really teach us about how to have great sex. We learn it from trial and error, rumors, lies, reading and most importanly sharing with someone we respect and trust. Techinque seems to be the first thing we want to know so we can show our bed room skills. But if you stop there you are missing developing your mind and its awsome ability to let lust, passion and desire make your sex life what it is truly capable of being.

 

[skizbees]

Good news...started to masturbate again. I feel a little strange about it..not relaxed..but more tense. I've been busy with school, teaching, and tutoring, but I'm finally making plans this weekend to see a friend of mine since we both have a day off. I don't know what we'll do (nor do I really care..just as long as I don't see school walls is fine). I haven't had a date in about three months. Hmm...any suggestions?

 

[human_male]

Good news...started to masturbate again. I feel a little strange about it..not relaxed..but more tense. I've been busy with school, teaching, and tutoring, but I'm finally making plans this weekend to see a friend of mine since we both have a day off. I don't know what we'll do (nor do I really care..just as long as I don't see school walls is fine). I haven't had a date in about three months. Hmm...any suggestions?

I suggest having sex with your friend. Giggidy giggidy giggidy.

 

[jerseyman1963]

Here's what worked for me

Skizbees: This may be presumptuous of me to say, but I think the problem you're wrestling with is about the men you're attracting, and the men you're attracted to, and I want to suggest something that worked for me when I was in a very similar situation. It's a man's view, but take it for what's it's worth if it rings any bells for you.

About 5-6 years ago I broke up a two year long relationship because I finally got tired of being treated like crap. Or, more to the point, I finally woke up and realized that I was consistently getting involved with the wrong women, and I was LETTING myself be treated like an after thought. It was really hard to come face to face with the fact that I was playing a significant role in allowing the wrong people to get to far into my life. After much soul searching I realized that, if there were (hypotheticaly speaking) 10 things I was looking for in a girlfriend or lover, I was so anxious to have anything, anyone, just SOMEONE in my life, that I was willing to settle for 2 or 3 things out of 10, and completely over look the fact that she was completely deficient in the other 7 or 8 areas.

That was sobering - to realize that I was bringing this on myself. Now, you can't always know someone on first blush. You have to spend some time with them to figure out if their appearance is superficial or real. But I was consistently going way past the point where I should have realized it was bad for me and gotten out.

Discussing that with one of my best friends (a woman), she gave me a great piece of advice. She said, "Go out with a lot of women, just don't sleep with any of them. Go on a lot of old school 'dates,' but don't get serious with anyone. Just go out and have a good time, but don't get involved with just one woman, and don't have sex with any of them."

There was something about this plan that was liberating. By deliberately drawing a line that, at least for the moment, I was purposely not going to cross, and by slowing down my typical relationship timeline, which I realized I was rushing, I found the breathing room to figure some things out. I stopped worrying about things prematurely. I took things one step at a time. I didn't get into any situations before I was ready for it. I had the space to 'suss people out and decide how far into my life I wanted to let them. I got a chance to judge whether someone was thoughtful and considerate, not self absorbed, and on my page. And I got to do this all without turning into a complete hermit.

Not everyone understood where I was at. One woman, who I really liked a lot and who I was very attracted to and turned on by, even stopped seeing me BECAUSE I wouldn't sleep with her. (It was hard to resist but I did.) I thought that was pretty funny. I was like, "When was the last time a woman broke up with me because I wouldn't sleep with HER?"

One unexpected result of this plan was that I became very attractive to a lot of women. I had women falling all over me. (I know that sounds stupid, but it's really the truth.) In a funny way, because for the first time ever in my life I made a statement about what I wanted, instead of just falling accidentally into whatever came along, I became more attracttive, and attracted better people. The end result was that my next relationship was really awesome.

I don't know if this will work for you. Your situation just sounded a lot like what I went through and I thought maybe you needed a little breathing room to figure some things out, and this could be one way to do it. Maybe.

Hope you have a good date with your friend this weekend, sound like you need and deserve it, and I am with whoever suggested a lot of masturbation. It's definitely not as good as being touched by someone special, but it's a whole lot better than being with a creep, and it will get you through to the next good guy to come along.

 

[sweetsparkles]

The past partners I have had (with one exception I doubt I'll ever get again), have been ethusiastic, it seems, but really awful lovers as a result. I managed to pick the "jackhammer, stab and jab" method subscribers you typically see in porn. It's a sensitive organ, just like the penis and should not be damaged in such a way, unless biology and health books lied. I tried talking to them all beforehand, and even spoke up during, and after, yet..these assinine responses of "Oh, you know you like it rough, you got so wet before!" or "You're just soo tight, I like that" or as they grope like they haven't had a woman in years "OH, this is what I want..YESSS" as I try to run from my own bed, or get their bodies off me. (I'm 4'11", and prefer not to get pinned; when you push down on my ribs and I start to shake, I can't breathe, I'm not that hot for you that I'm quivering. Even on top, don't bear hug me, I know where your arms are.)

Gee...me saying "I prefer gentle sex, becuase I tend to dry out easily and am sensitive if you don't go slow, and DO NOT JACKHAMMER me" must fall on deaf ears.

It's gotten to the point where I've enjoyed celibacy with little to no masturbation. (so far about 8 months) I'd like to change this pattern by finding someone better (who won't try to crush me, even if I'm on top), and if I bat for the other team, maybe it wouldn't hurt as bad. Any advice appreciated.

*HUG* *HUG* *HUG* not rib crushing though....nice and gentle. Hope you find what your looking for.

 

[skizbees]

Well, I'm back. We just talked on the phone for about 20 minutes about various things in our majors, and frustrations and some ease of teaching students. He's encouraged me to start playing guitar again (which I'm looking forward to...I've left some songs unfinished), and is a very nice man. I'm in no hurry to jump into a relationship (single since February and hope it lasts for a while longer). I just do hope there's more than just a few minutes of chat in person and one phone call. Instead of a date, I slept most of the day and got some work done around the apartment and for classes. I'd rather have the date, or at least more than a few minutes to talk with him...