How do I re-light his fire -

[FurryFury]

Fury
I guess going at it sideways, so to speak, might be helpful to me in overcoming the worry about facing him over this. I do not seem to be able to choose words correctly in situations as emotional as this is to me. Certainly dont want to end up acting angry - and frustration tends to make me get angry. Its just such a sensitive subject - I dont want to make things worse. Maybe i could email him this thread - I have been reading it over, is it too harsh?

I can't answer that for you. I don't know your husband. Your heart and knowledge of your husband might tell you that, listen to your instincts in this matter.

I'm comfortable choosing my words carefully, trying not to sound accusatory, protecting his ego as much as I can, but telling how I feel and what I think I might need. I'd do that in an e-mail or letter. It's a delicate and difficult line to walk.

Fury

 

[SouthernDom]

Fury
I guess going at it sideways, so to speak, might be helpful to me in overcoming the worry about facing him over this. I do not seem to be able to choose words correctly in situations as emotional as this is to me. Certainly dont want to end up acting angry - and frustration tends to make me get angry. Its just such a sensitive subject - I dont want to make things worse. Maybe i could email him this thread - I have been reading it over, is it too harsh?

I would hold off on sending him this thread.......most men would'nt like the idea of having their partner air out problems they did'nt know they had on a message board.......just my .02.

I'm a firm believer in theory that good lovers are not just born....they are trained and retrained as each partner grows and evolves as a sexual being.

Ya gotta pick your time and with the right atmosphere, tell him what you crave..........give him a chance to ramp up and fulfill your needs.

By the same token, i'll bet he has a few pages in his personal fantasy file he wants to try but has not brought them to your attention due to not wanting to come out as perverted or weird.

I'd say it's time for a serious heart to heart,sexually explicit talk.........

 

[GaryDouglass]

Another Suggestion

Do you know what sexual fantasies he has? If not maybe you could talk just about his desires and truly understand what he may be wanting that you never provided before.

Then armed with that information you could write a story with you and him being the characters. In that story you would play out his fantasies and at the same time include some of yours.

I've been married for 35+ years and find that over time you need to think about trying new things and expanding your comfort zone sometimes in order to make things hot again.

In my own case I only started to love pleasing my wife orally after she agreed to shave and make it nice and smooth for me. In return I removed some hair from my pubic area. For both a man and a woman getting hair in the mouth can be a big turnoff.

These years that hubby and you have together now can be the best years of your life, at least sexually speaking and it would be a terrible shame for them to be wasted. Please don't give up, just keep trying new things.

Does he look at Lit? Perhaps if you can get him interested he will see things and talk to people who will give him a new perspective on how to please a woman and keep her happy.

Good luck.

Gary

 

[PMI]

Thanks for more good suggestions

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[Mazuri]

from someone who's been there...

The first thing you have to do is talk, but in a way and place and time that is comfortable for you both. I, too, had issues saying what I wanted to say with the right words so I started with emails. I told him up front that I needed to get things off my chest, that this wasn't his problems, or my problems, but they were our problems as we were a team in this marriage thing. It took me four or five emails to say everything I wanted to say as I didn't want to give information overload and, I needed time to make them sound right.

I made sure I spoke about what I felt, not what he was doing/not doing. I made sure the emphasis was on things I did or said or wanted. The reason? To prevent him from going immediately on the defensive. Don't say "you never grab me and carry me off to the bedroom anymore" as that makes it his fault and sounds resentful (even if that's how you feel). Tell him "I love it when you grab me and carry me off to the bedroom to have your wicked way with me, it makes me feel loved and wanted and sexy" and them grab him and carry him away on occasion. Men like to feel loved and wanted and sexy, too.

We emailed back and forth for about a month and a half, which seemed really odd at first. I told him all the things I'd discovered about myself that I worried he'd find odd or weird or be disappointed in me if he knew about: that I can't orgasm from PiV sex alone no matter how much I enjoy it, that I like my toys and like him using them on me, that I masturbate and often but it doesn't mean I love/want him any less...my drive is higher than his is now, etc. The things I worried so much about his reaction to were non-issues: his only concern was my pleasure and happiness. He had been worried because he isn't porn-star huge and can get overly exited and go quickly but because I never said anything, he didn't either.

The more we talked, the better our sex lives became. The better the sex, the more often we had it. We started planning dates at least once a month...no kid, no friends, just us...usually dinner and a movie, but we also did other things together: went hiking, or shopping (actually his suggestion as I hate to go shopping), playing disc golf, or anything we enjoyed doing together. The reconnection was amazing for us and it made every aspect of our lives better.

Now, we talk (no more emails!) because we've found that level and trust and love we needed to feel comfortable. He doesn't do everything I would like (he doesn't enjoy giving oral sex, for example) but has tried things he wouldn't have before. I don't do everything he'd like either, but we let the other know it's ok. There's no resentment because we're honest and have at least tried it once.

I took that first step, wrote that first email, because I was unhappy with how things were. I was hurt and resentful and very very close to doing something irreparable: either cheating on him or leaving him or both. And now, though the evils of fate has taken him from me for a while (darn military remote), I am content and confident that we will still be strong and happy when he returns because now we have the right tools to ensure that it happens.

Good luck to you both. It's a hard and bumpy stretch, and scary as hell, but it's very very worth it.

 

[FurryFury]

GREAT post Mazuri!

I would add keep giving him genuine praise. Keep showing and telling him how much you love him too.

Fury

 

[rthnck]

Ate

Mazuri makes a fantastic point. Finding a way to communicate without being hurtful is the key here. I had a similar problem and after years of frustration I finally wrote an email detailing my frustrations, wants and desires. It took a week of editing and reading to myself to get it to the point where I thought it would not be hurtful. Then another week to decide to finally send it. You have to be non-threatening and avoid ego-bruising. The result was a long email dialog that helped us repair what was broken. The difference before the email (BTE) and after the email (ATE) was like night and day and now on the anniversary of my sending the email we arrange for a night out at a nice hotel with a hot tub.

Communication is the only way to alter the path you are on. It's the hardest part. By far, the hardest part....

Good luck.

 

[missgizmo]

Hi there, does your husband feel useless himself? Does he think that this is what you want, what you already have? He may well not have a clue that this is going on in your head.

The date night does sound a great idea but i would first get him in a relaxed setting, say the bath, an talk to him telling how much you love him and how YOU are at a time in your life where you are more sexually aware than you have ever been before and although YOU feel a little uncomfortable with talking about this, you dont want it to become a huge problem for you both as a couple. You would love for him to experiment a little and open up a little more and you BOTH could have the best sex you have probably ever had. Then follow it all up with the date.

Hope everything works out for you both, good luck xx

 

[PMI]

little tiny steps....

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[Mazuri]

The hardest part to get beyond, at least for me, was the feeling that I was doing all the work and he was reaping all the rewards (more and better sex). I could feel myself sinking back into the same ol' resentment I was trying and working so hard to let go. Eventually, I discovered he was working at things as well, just from a different angle and in his own way which helped set my mind at ease a lot.

Just saying that in case it happens with you as well. Don't feel like you're the only one working on things without doing a bit of checking...he may be doing so as well, just in his own unique way.

Again, good luck and keep working at it!