how do you deal with loss

[sassykat]

In 7 weeks time I lost my horse of 16 years, my best friend's son was murdered and my dog got in the road and was killed. This is something he didin't do regularly, but he followed a ground hog buddy there...and he got hit, not the groundhog. How do people who have multiple loses deal with it. I am not sure what to do. I have a strong belief in God as does the dad of the boy who was killed. We talk about Job and what he wert through and made sure that we will keep each other strong. But because the actual human in these loses was his son everyone keeps telling me how stong I need to be for him...but I hadn't finished greiving the loss of my horse when the thing with his son started, then losing my dog 2 weeks after....I am just not thinking clear. I should also state that I have no children, my kids are all 4 legged and very spoiled...they were treated better than some peoples children.

What do you do to move on. How do you cope.

I have been told that death happens in 3's, so I have had my 3. Now, how do we move forward?

 

[wicked woman]

I'm sorry for your loss sassykat.

One thing I've learned about grieving is that there is no 'one way fits all' method. I'm hesitant to give any advice because of that but if I was, it would be not to be so concerned about 'moving forward' at this point. You've had major losses...embrace them...engulf them. Mourn as you see fit. Yes there will be times when you'll need to function..***** does go on whether we want it to or not...but don't negate your loss by acting like it didn't happen. It did. Let yourself feel it. People need closure...not ignoring the fact.

(((sassykat)))

 

[coy_one]

I'm sorry for your loss sassykat.

One thing I've learned about grieving is that there is no 'one way fits all' method. I'm hesitant to give any advice because of that but if I was, it would be not to be so concerned about 'moving forward' at this point. You've had major losses...embrace them...engulf them. Mourn as you see fit. Yes there will be times when you'll need to function...live does go on whether we want it to or not...but don't negate your loss by acting like it didn't happen. It did. Let yourself feel it. People need closure...not ignoring the fact.

(((sassykat)))

I couldn't have said it any better than that. I went through counseling for loss issues and yeah - wicked woman says it best.

One thing that I found was really helpful - if the tears come - just let them come - as hard as they can.

(((((sassykat)))))

 

[Ctoago]

You've had major losses...embrace them...engulf them. Mourn as you see fit.

I think that's the very best advice. If you need to talk, find some one who will listen, and don't be afraid to let it out.

Several years ago, I was very close to a friend who's son was dying. I was with them in the hospital, and there when he died. Because my friend didn't cry ( we all deal differently) I was left feeling that I couldn't express my grief - and that was really, really tough. All of our friends had a great deal of sympathy for her - but I had suffered a loss too, and felt alone. I see parallels in your situation. You don't want to imply that your loss is any greater than your friends, of course not - but for your own wellbeing, you need to acknowledge/come to terms with your own feelings - and your animals were important to you, they deserve to be mourned.

I hope you find some comfort.

 

[sassykat]

I'm sorry for your loss sassykat.

One thing I've learned about grieving is that there is no 'one way fits all' method. I'm hesitant to give any advice because of that but if I was, it would be not to be so concerned about 'moving forward' at this point. You've had major losses...embrace them...engulf them. Mourn as you see fit. Yes there will be times when you'll need to function..***** does go on whether we want it to or not...but don't negate your loss by acting like it didn't happen. It did. Let yourself feel it. People need closure...not ignoring the fact.

(((sassykat)))

Thanks for the advice...even tho you were hesitant to give it...

I lost my mom 2 years this coming June...I called my Dad's cell today, got his voice mail...guess whose voice I heard....mom's....maybe I am just too sentimental..but hearing her voice just brought me to tears again.

 

[LadyG]

My mother passed away 3 weeks ago. I've accepted it, I've dealt with it, but I can't let go and actually grieve. I wish I could.

 

[sassykat]

I couldn't have said it any better than that. I went through counseling for loss issues and yeah - wicked woman says it best.

One thing that I found was really helpful - if the tears come - just let them come - as hard as they can.

(((((sassykat)))))

I have had my share of loss issues too...and a bit of couseling too. I grieved then for a loss of a love...but these were my babies...they depended on me...needed me...I do still have one horse, 2 cats and 1 tarantula. I used to have 2 horses, 4 cats, 1 dog, and 4 tarantulas. My "family " has decreased in size in the critters that have permanent homes.

Thanks for your advice {{{{{{{{coy_one)))))))

Happy Easter!

 

[wicked woman]

Thanks for the advice...even tho you were hesitant to give it...

I lost my mom 2 years this coming June...I called my Dad's cell today, got his voice mail...guess whose voice I heard....mom's....maybe I am just too sentimental..but hearing her voice just brought me to tears again.

I personally don't think that's too sentimental at all. There is something absolutely special about Moms...in life that transcends with death.

Hope it brings comfort to your Dad to have your Mom's voice close to him.

 

[wicked woman]

My mother passed away 3 weeks ago. I've accepted it, I've dealt with it, but I can't let go and actually grieve. I wish I could.

Terribly sorry for your loss LadyG. My guess is you will when you're ready in your own way...or perhaps you already are...just not in a 'traditional' way that you expect.

 

[Eilan]

In 7 weeks time I lost my horse of 16 years, my best friend's son was murdered and my dog got in the road and was killed.

My mother passed away 3 weeks ago. I've accepted it, I've dealt with it, but I can't let go and actually grieve. I wish I could.

for both of you

 

[rosebud5446]

i really don't know what to tell you, when my brother died, i just wanted to be alone, but there were always people trying to talk to me about it, and i just wanted to scream 'GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!' but they didn't get it. and it seemed they were trying to tell me how to deal with it, and i didn't want to the same way they did which was very frustrating. all i can really tell you, is do what you feel you need to do, and time is really what it will take to feel better. if you feel counseling might help, give it a shot. other than that, i am very sorry for your loss' and i hope things get better soon.

 

[bobsgirl]

I'm sorry for your loss sassykat.

One thing I've learned about grieving is that there is no 'one way fits all' method. I'm hesitant to give any advice because of that but if I was, it would be not to be so concerned about 'moving forward' at this point. You've had major losses...embrace them...engulf them. Mourn as you see fit. Yes there will be times when you'll need to function..***** does go on whether we want it to or not...but don't negate your loss by acting like it didn't happen. It did. Let yourself feel it. People need closure...not ignoring the fact.

(((sassykat)))

I too want to echo what WW said. Very good advice.

I'm so sorry for the losses you've experienced.

 

[ND2BFUKD]

Hello SassyKat,I'm new to the forum but i would like to extend my sympathy to you on your loss.It's very hard to deal with such a lot of grief when it befalls on you in such a short time.I know what this feels like as four of my close friends died in a short period of time last year.I have to tell you I nearly cracked up trying to deal with it on my own holding it all in.In the end i had to to and get councilling,it was such a reliefe to get what i was feeling off my chest.thanks to the councilling i'm a lot stronger now and i can go about my daily buissness without breaking down in tears.maybe you should see a counciller or find a good friend that your comfortable enough with to talk and let it all go.Another suggestion would be to write it all down and E-Mail it to someone,the benefit of this being that you can do this in the privacy and comfort of your own home at whatever time suits you.If you like you could mail me i would be happy to reply with whatever support i can give you.

Take care and stay safe.

 

[NadiaBlue]

I think everyone deals with loss differently. I go through a shock stage, then really embarrasingly loud crying. It also helps to go somewhere private and scream until you're hoarse. But then, I'm not the most emotionally healthy person in the world to give advice, either, lol. I tend to bottle things up. Sometimes, you have to let it out, though. Go see a counselor if you need to. Try to see the bright side, if you can find one. But yes, definately give yourself the chance to grieve properly, else you'll carry the pain for a lot longer than you should.

Just remember (and I know you don't want to hear this) EVERYTHING happens for a reason.

 

[firefighter02]

You might want to go out and pick up a copy of "Hello from Heaven".

Good book...and I'll leave the rest to you to read through and come to your own conclusions.

In my on the side job I deal with grief on a daily basis, and everyone deals with loss differently.

Just keep remembering that although those we love may be gone physically from this world, they are still with us.

 

[aboysdream]

My mother passed away 3 weeks ago. I've accepted it, I've dealt with it, but I can't let go and actually grieve. I wish I could.

I feel for you my mom passed away three years ago and my dad followed 6 months later. I am still grieving and crying but not as bad as I was the first year.
My sympathies to you

 

[Sunsnowman]

I dealt with people that was traumatized in violent related crimes in our country, many of them lost a loved one in a senseless violent crime. The thing I stressed the most, is that it is ok to miss a loved 1 that has passed on. Also, the right u have done is to talk about it - never stay quiet about how u feel as this will make u depresssed. Never keep back the feelings - I have seen so many people crack at a later stage as they wanted to be strong. If u wanna cry about the losses u suffered, do so - do not try to keep back the emotions. This will make the healing process easier and remember the saying :"Time heales all wounds". Also, and I believe this strongly, that eveerything in life hapens with a purpose....u might not be able to see what the purspose of your losses might be right now, but think about this: U allready made new friends that u would not have made if this has not happened with u...and more good things will happen to u in the future. Just do not be blinded by your sorrow so that u will miss the good luck coming your way.

 

[it's just me]

I lost my best friend almost four years ago. For two years, I didn't believe he was gone. I mean I accepted it but it just wasn't real. Today hurts worse than seeing his baby brother squalling his eyes out during his funeral. I dunno that it will ever get better... I did the last thing I could for him: I helped carry his coffin. That itself give me a great deal of closure knowing that there one was last thing I could do for him and I had done it. I leave balloons on his birthday each year. It is a comfort to his family to see them and know somebody remembered and it keeps him alive in my heart.

He was more than my best friend, he was the brother I never had. Nobody will ever replace him, nor would I want them to. We grew up together--he was a year older than me so I was also the older sister he never had. When he came out of the closet, I don't think I got a wink of sleep for six months as he would call me at 2AM asking "what are you doing?" Today, I would give anything for one of those calls...

Love your loved ones while you can.

 

[Gypsy_Lis]

In 7 weeks time I lost my horse of 16 years, my best friend's son was murdered and my dog got in the road and was killed. This is something he didin't do regularly, but he followed a ground hog buddy there...and he got hit, not the groundhog. How do people who have multiple loses deal with it. I am not sure what to do. I have a strong belief in God as does the dad of the boy who was killed. We talk about Job and what he wert through and made sure that we will keep each other strong. But because the actual human in these loses was his son everyone keeps telling me how stong I need to be for him...but I hadn't finished greiving the loss of my horse when the thing with his son started, then losing my dog 2 weeks after....I am just not thinking clear. I should also state that I have no children, my kids are all 4 legged and very spoiled...they were treated better than some peoples children.

What do you do to move on. How do you cope.

I have been told that death happens in 3's, so I have had my 3. Now, how do we move forward?

Im sorry for your losses. Sending hug vibes to you!! Everybody grieves differently. I lost several family members in one week last year and lost my dad 9 years ago. From time to time, I still grieve. I had to go to counseling to understand everything. For some people, talk helps alot and cry without stopping until there isn't any tears left. Hang in there.

Gypsy_Lis

 

[Programmer Cat]

What do you do to move on. How do you cope.

I get drunk and listen to Queensryche.

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

In 7 weeks time I lost my horse of 16 years, my best friend's son was murdered and my dog got in the road and was killed. This is something he didin't do regularly, but he followed a ground hog buddy there...and he got hit, not the groundhog. How do people who have multiple loses deal with it. I am not sure what to do. I have a strong belief in God as does the dad of the boy who was killed. We talk about Job and what he wert through and made sure that we will keep each other strong. But because the actual human in these loses was his son everyone keeps telling me how stong I need to be for him...but I hadn't finished greiving the loss of my horse when the thing with his son started, then losing my dog 2 weeks after....I am just not thinking clear. I should also state that I have no children, my kids are all 4 legged and very spoiled...they were treated better than some peoples children.

What do you do to move on. How do you cope.

I have been told that death happens in 3's, so I have had my 3. Now, how do we move forward?

 

[Dosxx82256]

For me, I won't go into my losses, but trust me when I say they were severe, I found it helped to cry...a lot and often. I always felt better afterwards.

 

[InsaneWolf]

Its not just death that happens in threes,but also good as well as bad luck
I dont know how you deal with it except to grow bitter and not give a fuck anymore like I do.
All my life Ive had to deal with really horrific situations and now any belief in a so called"god" has gone out the window.I know I am bitter and I think life pretty much sucks and when I die and if there is a god,I will tell him he was one sick fuck .
anyway sry bout your loss but thats life and maybe its better to live a life of evil than to live a so called good pure life and have all this shit happen to you anyway.Just my opinion

 

[wyckdwench]

Loss & Grief

Well everyone handles grief and loss differntly. I am sure someone has already said that on here. In a similiar period of time about ten years ago we had several traumatic events some of which involved deaths. If you would like to know more PM and we can go into detail there.

In our case, my husband shut down for some time but when he did interact he was very angry. One loss was very close to both our hearts and we never thought we would be the same. We were left wondering, why and that in itself made both of us angry, to have waited so long and feel cheated by a death. While others who didn't care or didn't take the time we did had no problems at all. I knew that he needed time to deal with it in his way. So he went walking alone in the woods a lot. He was supposed to be hunting but he did more thinking he tells me now. But I knew he needed that time - in the end it made us both stronger to support each other. We weren't very kind to our families but they knew we were suffering.

Me I wrote a lot, I did my cross-stitch, I wrote to friends, basically I stayed busy but I did hide out from the world for a few weeks. I made an effort not to be in public for too long etc. In the early stages I was in no shape to handle it. As time went on I got stronger plus being pregnant with my second child I was forced to have to go out. To be honest had I not conceived our second son I don't know if I would still be here. It was difficult though when they were both older, I have two boys now 15 months apart. I was left alone with my thoughts and it seemed like I went through an almost delayed grieving for my first son. He lived for a month on life support and died of complications from a birth defect.

I think you have to find a way to deal with the loss that helps ease it for you. I know a lot of people like to plant a tree or a garden in memory of the one they lost. Maybe that is something to consider since you lost so many in such a short time. A nice quiet place where you can relax, remember or just be there. If not that maybe putting your feelings into verse or a story would help. If none of these I have heard that a good cleansing scream has worked for some lol. Just make sure its not some where the cops might think someone is being hurt lol. By all means if you feel like crying let it out, its okay to cry no matter what anyone else tells you. And when they tell you to get over it you have my permission to deck 'em. No one else can tell YOU when you should stop grieving.

I am sorry for your loss and *** hugs***

 

[RagingWillard]

First off, Im really sorry for your and your best friend's losses, I wish the best for you.

Second, a possible solution to your multiple losses and how to cope with them may lay in a White Stripes song titled "Little Acorns." Basically the intro speaks of a woman who has just divorced, lost her father and her job who watches a squirrel prepare for winter by gathering nuts one by one to its nest. She figures since this squirrel can do such a job of curing his problems, so can she. So, she decides to take the problems and grief one by one, cutting them up and approaching them one at a time. This way she isn't overwhelmed by her mounting problems and is able to deal with them.

I think you should try this approach as well. Take your grievances one at a time. I understand that you lost part of your family but I think friends come first. You have all the time in the world to approach your own problems, and when you have the opportunity you should definately help out a friend. After this they may do the same. I know it'll be hard to try and priortize grief, but i think its the best way of handling the situation.

Hopefully this helped and good luck.

-Will