How Do You (Properly) Relationship?

[BiBunny]

Ok, I've been hesitant to post this for reasons that will soon become clear--i.e., my fear of the other shoe dropping--but I figured y'all could help me more than I'm able to help myself right now. I'm also putting it here instead of in How-To because I feel most comfortable here and would like the advice of fellow kinky people.

I'm one of the Lit old-timers, but I only just stuck my head back in here a little while ago, so I'll briefly run through some relevant facts below. But what I want to know is, how do you have healthy relationships? How do you not screw things up when what you have is good?

About me: I am the only child of two narcissistic parents. Yes, I know it's unusual for two narcissists to get together, but mine have been married for 45 years and can't stand the sight of each other. So no help on how to navigate decent relationships there.

I am bipolar. I have ADHD. I may be on the autism spectrum. The first two I've been officially diagnosed with, and I'm being treated with several medications. I am and have been pretty stable, as far as the bipolar is concerned, for several years now. The autism bit is just something I suspect about myself, but I have not been officially diagnosed with that.

In my past, I have had relationships with people with many flavors of mental disorders because I was in varying states of mentally unhealthy myself. There are narcissists, borderlines, and of particular note, one outright psychopath (I am not exaggerating for effect here) in my relationship history. So all I managed to learn from any of that is what NOT to do. I've not had any healthy relationships (besides some of my friendships) or really even been close to people who have had healthy ones to know what I *should* be doing.

For the past two and a half years, I've had the most wonderful Daddy in my life. Even now, I'm afraid to say too much for fear of jinxing it, but let's just say that this is the healthiest situation I've ever found myself in.

I made a deal with myself when this started that I would take it one day at a time. But the last time we were together in person, he told me he loved me, for the first time. This made me very happy because I've been in love with him forever. But it did set off a sort of tailspin on my part because I'm so afraid I'm going to Fuck This Up in a most spectacular fashion.

I've made it this far--two and a half years. But I'd really like to continue for many more. So how do you properly relationship, especially when you're at least a *little* screwed up and can't afford therapy?

Thanks in advance, and I'll be happy to answer any questions if y'all require additional information.

 

[IrisAlthea]

It’s a scary question to answer, for the same reason you are asking the question. And I mean what qualifications do I have to answer it? But my fortune cookie last week said that my decisions are sound and I have been in a relationship with the same man for all of this millenium and then some, so here we go.
Apply salt as needed.

I think healthy can look very different for different people and there are thorny patches and shitty passages in any relationship worth it’s salt. Sometimes it’s more ”is this salveagable with in reasonable time and worth the work” than ”is it healthy”.

Taking one day at the time is something that already works for you and it has for me to. My current relationship started with ending up in bed with a friend doing way more than sleep. The day after I asked if he wanted to go back to friends, start down the relationship path or some fwb thing., scared to have ruined the friendship He said that he didn’t have regrets and asked if we could just take it a day at the time and let it evolve organically.
Not having very clear expectations about how it should be but rather going with what worked, has worked well. Some adjustments/compromises have been difficult and certainly not all sunshine but worth it in the long run/big picture so far.

For me, the balance between having space and having intimacy has always been the most difficult part. Not feeling that there is one correct answer for everyone or even all the time for us, has been helpful.

The other thing I’d say is that if you have healthy relationships with friends, then you already have more relationship skills than you give yourself credit for.

 

[als_hubby]

What Iris said. Since you have healthy friendships, you're already on the right path. When it comes to your love interest, that friendship really needs to develop outside of a sexual context if you're going to succeed long term.

How much do the two of you do outside of the bedroom - i.e., dinner, hobbies, social activities, other common interests, etc.?

By the way, it's good to "see" you here again. I remember you from way back!

 

[BiBunny]

First of all, thank you both very much for your responses.

It’s a scary question to answer, for the same reason you are asking the question. And I mean what qualifications do I have to answer it? But my fortune cookie last week said that my decisions are sound and I have been in a relationship with the same man for all of this millenium and then some, so here we go.
Apply salt as needed.

I think healthy can look very different for different people and there are thorny patches and shitty passages in any relationship worth it’s salt. Sometimes it’s more ”is this salveagable with in reasonable time and worth the work” than ”is it healthy”.

Taking one day at the time is something that already works for you and it has for me to. My current relationship started with ending up in bed with a friend doing way more than sleep. The day after I asked if he wanted to go back to friends, start down the relationship path or some fwb thing., scared to have ruined the friendship He said that he didn’t have regrets and asked if we could just take it a day at the time and let it evolve organically.
Not having very clear expectations about how it should be but rather going with what worked, has worked well. Some adjustments/compromises have been difficult and certainly not all sunshine but worth it in the long run/big picture so far.

For me, the balance between having space and having intimacy has always been the most difficult part. Not feeling that there is one correct answer for everyone or even all the time for us, has been helpful.

The other thing I’d say is that if you have healthy relationships with friends, then you already have more relationship skills than you give yourself credit for.

I appreciate your insight. I feel like our situations are kind of similar, as he and I are kind of evolving organically, too. I've tried not to expect too much, but he almost always overdelivers in that regard. He's a good man, and I've not been able to say that about anyone else I've ever been with. I think good intentions and a kind heart mean a LOT.

My friends are all good people as well. I kicked out everyone toxic from my circle a while back. So I just have to focus on making sure I'm there for them like they are for me, and that's not too hard to do.

What Iris said. Since you have healthy friendships, you're already on the right path. When it comes to your love interest, that friendship really needs to develop outside of a sexual context if you're going to succeed long term.

How much do the two of you do outside of the bedroom - i.e., dinner, hobbies, social activities, other common interests, etc.?

By the way, it's good to "see" you here again. I remember you from way back!

Hey there, it's good to see you, too!

To be honest with you, right now, we're both in a place where we don't go out much because we both lack the time, energy, and funds to do so. Most of our interactions are very low-key. That being said, I do consider him one of my dearest friends, and I think he feels similarly about me.

(Lest it sound like I'm making excuses, he has two children (one of whom has some behavioral problems) and is the sole caretaker for his elderly father, who has gone blind semi-recently. Then, I have to juggle my work and my rather demanding parents. We also both have mental and physical health problems ourselves. It seems like if one of us ever gets a day where we don't have a lot to do, the other is crazy busy or too tired to function. We live about twenty minutes apart and manage to get together rarely, unfortunately. But hopefully, it won't always be that way. I understand he has responsibilities that have nothing to do with me, so I try to not be very demanding of his time, and he does the same for me.)

So, yeah, it's been a ride, but I'm trying not to mess things up, lol.

 

[IrisAlthea]

He's a good man, and I've not been able to say that about anyone else I've ever been with. I think good intentions and a kind heart mean a LOT.

Yup and strangely enough, rather under appreciated.

My friends are all good people as well. I kicked out everyone toxic from my circle a while back.

I forgot to say: Sorry about having to deal with an actual psychopath. I’ve had to just be around one and that wasn’t a picnic. In a relationship it must be horrible.

To be honest with you, right now, we're both in a place where we don't go out much because we both lack the time, energy, and funds to do so.

I don’t think it has to be about doing elaborate stuff together. Just being able to talk about things that are on your mind or that interest you etc makes it different than relationships where you only show a curated part of you/your life.

 

[BiBunny]

Yup and strangely enough, rather under appreciated.



I forgot to say: Sorry about having to deal with an actual psychopath. I’ve had to just be around one and that wasn’t a picnic. In a relationship it must be horrible.



I don’t think it has to be about doing elaborate stuff together. Just being able to talk about things that are on your mind or that interest you etc makes it different than relationships where you only show a curated part of you/your life.

The psychopath thing was...not ideal, to say the least. People like that prey on those they think are weak, and I was definitely weak at the time, being in the middle of an unmedicated mental breakdown. It was amazing how much my mental health increased when that dude was no longer around!

(Also, I cannot tell you how good it felt when he came crawling back several years ago for me to tell him to take a hike.)

I think you're right about not doing elaborate stuff together. We do talk a lot and share a lot of the same interests, too. I don't know, it just feels right in ways that other things haven't. It's a lot more effortless than dealing with a psychopath, that's for sure!

 

[Lady2020]

I wish I could tell you. I can say honesty and listening are important, but I think most people have no idea. It's like playing whack a mole at times.

 

[seela]

I've hesitated to post here, because while J and I have been together for 15 years, it hasn't always been unproblematic and it's definitely not been what you'd expect from a "standard relationship". I don't really feel like I qualify to give anybody relationship advice.

If I can give any suggestions based on my experience, it's that it's okay to find your own way to do things even if others don't necessarily get it. Try to keep an open mind. It's very easy to think that X is what we're supposed to do because everyone else does it as well, or that Y is what we're supposed to do because that's what we've always done. If what you've always done isn't working for you right there and then, it's okay to think about if there are other ways of doing things that might suit you better for the stage in life you're in at the moment. And it's okay that your partner isn't everything to you. You don't have to share everything and do everything together as long as there's something you enjoy doing together and that you like and value each other. At least most times. Sometimes it really comes down to, like Iris put it, figuring out if the relationship is salvageable. Sometimes being stubborn and just refusing to quit helps, too.

For me and J, we met online and got together just for sex a few hours later. It was supposed to be a no strings attached thing and we had a time limit anyway - I was moving away in a few months. Pretty soon it became obvious it was a little more than no strings attached, but we were both sort of avoiding to acknowledge it. I moved away, later I moved to another country, but somehow we stuck with each other through everything. What's kept us together, besides the fact that we generally enjoy each other's company, has been the willingness to compromise and find new ways that work for us in the situation we're in at the time. Sometimes it's meant spending more times apart doing things with other people, both sexy and unsexy, sometimes it's meant spending all the time possible together.

I just realized that most of my post is "it's okay if you don't always want to be with your partner" which is a little sad for a post about relationships, maybe. Oops. This is why I don't give relationship advice. At least I'm keepin' it real...

 

[IrisAlthea]

What's kept us together, besides the fact that we generally enjoy each other's company, has been the willingness to compromise and find new ways that work for us in the situation we're in at the time.

Yes, enjoying each others company is way more important than a lot of things people seem to look for in a partner, I think.

I don’t know how to explain it, but there is something like a rythm and tempo to people and if you match or can adapt around each other in that respect it’s easier to be in each others company.
I had two good friends as a teen and really liked both very much and had great fun hanging out with them all of us or just one on one. One of them I could easily live together with and the other I wanted to kill (and it was mutual) after one sleepover. I’ve noticed the same with friends and partners ever since.

I have a close male friend who comes off way more ”intense” or ”antsy” than I or my husband do. We still have managed to live together the three of us, on a 26 foot sailing boat for over a week and similar adventures over the years and been able to enjoy it.
Can’t really put a name to what it is, but yes, enjoying each others company even when you are not ”on”.

 

[BiBunny]

Ok, so what I'm getting here is that none of us feel qualified to comment on the subject.

Seriously, though, thank you all, Iris, seela, GoldenCompulsion, and everyone else who's commented. I'm starting to feel better and less stressed about it now.

I actually have a bachelor's in psychology, so you'd think I'd know a little about this, but you would be wrong. My program was a very behaviorally-based program, so if it doesn't involve putting a pigeon in a Skinner box and teaching it to peck a key, I don't know how to do it!

 

[Bramblethorn]

I am bipolar. I have ADHD. I may be on the autism spectrum. The first two I've been officially diagnosed with, and I'm being treated with several medications. I am and have been pretty stable, as far as the bipolar is concerned, for several years now. The autism bit is just something I suspect about myself, but I have not been officially diagnosed with that.

Officially diagnosed autistic person here: if self-diagnosis as autistic helps you make sense of yourself and the world, embrace it and don't feel like you need to apologise for it. I was self-DXed for about ten years before I sought out a psychiatrist for an official and expensive diagnosis, and the only reason I did so was because I felt I might need that official status in order to request accommodations at work. Self-diagnosis was the important part: recognising myself as autistic put me on the road to reading up about autism and thinking "oh yeah, I have that issue, and I can use those strategies to help deal with it" as well as finding supportive peers.

Lots of good stuff already been said here, just going to add to a few points.

There are good replies here. Here's my addition.

Ability to compromise is vital, which is what seela already pointed out.

Yup. One of the challenges here is developing the self-knowledge to understand what compromises are healthy to make, and which things are betraying your own needs.

This is something that interacts with autism and possibly with ADHD too: many neurodivergent kids grow up learning that our social responses are bad and wrong, that we need to adjust to Normal People ways of doing stuff, and that when a social situation goes wrong it's our fault for being socially inept.

That self-blame instinct can be very harmful. I've spent many years working on unpicking that, understanding that sometimes my needs are reasonable (even if they're weird!) When I interact with neurotypical people, I go such a long way trying to meet them on their terms - stuff like forcing myself to make eye contact - and I have the right to expect that they'll meet me halfway, rather than just me going all the way out of my comfort zone and into theirs.

Having a supportive peer group with a bunch of other neurodivergent people can be helpful with this; it's been fantastic being able to go to friends now and then and say "this just happened, am I being unreasonable?"

Ability to be vulnerable leads to growth, and lack of growth leads to stagnation & dissatisfaction with oneself and each other.
Ability to realize that you are always capable of harming your partner is key. Responding by asking how you should remedy the harm you caused is the next step.

Yup. Developing the confidence to say "I screwed up" (not as an automatic way of defusing tension, but when it's actually true!) is a major life skill.

So, nobody will be perfect with each other. Everyone is capable of hurting each other. But you can always grow. If you can show your partner real growth, someone who has bought into you and loves you will go along for the ride and support that. And you can do the same for their growth, too. Because I am trying to support my fiancé in becoming more vulnerable with me, too, for the good of both of us.

Related to this: nobody's perfect, everybody fucks up and hurts their partner now and then. A relationship that depends on nobody ever fucking up is doomed. The ones that last, IME, are the ones that have strong healing mechanisms to repair the damage done by those fuckups and learn from them so people don't make the same mistake ... I want to say "twice", but really, "more than three or four times" is sometimes a more realistic goal ;-)

Mind reading: Make a negative assumption of someone's thoughts about you or a situation based on their behavior / what they did

Particularly important for neurodivergent folk, since people tend to make assumptions based on "what would I do in this situation/if I did this thing, why would I be doing it?"

Fortune telling: You anticipate something will turn out badly and treat your prediction as established fact
Personalization: Arbitrarily concluding that anything negative that happened was your own fault

Oh god yes. So many times I've been like "I haven't heard from that person in weeks, I must have offended them somehow" and then it turns out to be that they were just busy and sick and their absence had nothing at all to do with me.

Bottom line, communication is key.

"When I came home and I saw the dishes were still dirty, I felt frustrated because I need help with the kitchen chores."

...is just as important as...

"When you picked up the groceries for me, I felt taken care of. Thank you."

(Or some less formal equivalent )

Yep. However, noting that communication can be draining for autistic folk and we're not always in the right headspace for it, some sort of "I need to talk about this but not right now" script can be important with this.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I’m too so over the place to really contribute right now but I’m glad this thread is here.

 

[cookiecat]

I've been thinking about this thread since you posted but just came back now to reply. Glad I waited - you've gotten a lot of interesting, thoughtful suggestions. And spot on.

I'm not sure if you were here when I came back in 2016'ish? Not to be morbid, but it was at that time my husband had ALS. He passed in 2017. I bring this up because when he was diagnosed, we weren't married and I felt exactly the same as you. I just knew I'd fuck it up just like every other relationship.

My husband came in to my life in my late 40's. I waited so long to meet him, I figured he had to be the one. Holy cats, I made him jump through so many hoops to get close to me. He stuck it out, we moved in together and a year later he found out he had ALS. (We married after his diagnosis)

During the healthy year we lived together, I'm surprised he stayed.

But he did. Whenever I left for work, he'd say, I'll be right here when you get home. (I had weird hours). Or - if I went out with friends, he'd tell me he couldn't wait for me to come back. I'd roll my eyes. (What a bitch!)

So here's the thing I learned. The thing I want to tell you. When your Daddy says he loves you, trust that. Trust him.

I never liked myself too much. Much less love myself. How could I believe someone loved me that much?? I did things to push him away. I made him work for my love back. I was chaotic. At times, I mistook that chaos for passion. Ok wait, I said I was like you, Bunny, but probably not this insane part. Just the part about not being sure a true, strong love from a good man can be real and lasting because somehow I'll screw it up. Like one day, he would wake up and see through my act.

I wanted him to be caveman Dominant. Make me mind. Geeze. He would just look at me and say, when you're done acting this way, let me know. My antics didn't last long.

Once he got sick, all of that stupid sh*t flew out the window. None of it mattered. I had to grow up.

So now, several years later, I'm in a relationship with someone who tells me he loves me. At times, I put up a wall because I hate feeling vulnerable. But mostly, I trust what he says. I trust him. And mostly, I trust myself to be open to love.

 

[Siilver01]

Ok, I've been hesitant to post this for reasons that will soon become clear--i.e., my fear of the other shoe dropping--but I figured y'all could help me more than I'm able to help myself right now. I'm also putting it here instead of in How-To because I feel most comfortable here and would like the advice of fellow kinky people.

I'm one of the Lit old-timers, but I only just stuck my head back in here a little while ago, so I'll briefly run through some relevant facts below. But what I want to know is, how do you have healthy relationships? How do you not screw things up when what you have is good?

About me: I am the only child of two narcissistic parents. Yes, I know it's unusual for two narcissists to get together, but mine have been married for 45 years and can't stand the sight of each other. So no help on how to navigate decent relationships there.

I am bipolar. I have ADHD. I may be on the autism spectrum. The first two I've been officially diagnosed with, and I'm being treated with several medications. I am and have been pretty stable, as far as the bipolar is concerned, for several years now. The autism bit is just something I suspect about myself, but I have not been officially diagnosed with that.

In my past, I have had relationships with people with many flavors of mental disorders because I was in varying states of mentally unhealthy myself. There are narcissists, borderlines, and of particular note, one outright psychopath (I am not exaggerating for effect here) in my relationship history. So all I managed to learn from any of that is what NOT to do. I've not had any healthy relationships (besides some of my friendships) or really even been close to people who have had healthy ones to know what I *should* be doing.

For the past two and a half years, I've had the most wonderful Daddy in my life. Even now, I'm afraid to say too much for fear of jinxing it, but let's just say that this is the healthiest situation I've ever found myself in.

I made a deal with myself when this started that I would take it one day at a time. But the last time we were together in person, he told me he loved me, for the first time. This made me very happy because I've been in love with him forever. But it did set off a sort of tailspin on my part because I'm so afraid I'm going to Fuck This Up in a most spectacular fashion.

I've made it this far--two and a half years. But I'd really like to continue for many more. So how do you properly relationship, especially when you're at least a *little* screwed up and can't afford therapy?

Thanks in advance, and I'll be happy to answer any questions if y'all require additional information.

In my perspective of things I would say that when he said he loved you and you know that you really love him, that's where the true relationship should begin! Don't let the past life continue to screw things up. I prefer not to dwell on the negative things of my past. To me love is a feeling that comes from the heart and not the mind. You have said he's a good man, well, you are a good person too! Forget about the negatives and listen to the heart and make a go of it. With heart, love and desire you have found the makings of a great relationship!

 

[Booboobear84]

The psychopath thing was...not ideal, to say the least. People like that prey on those they think are weak, and I was definitely weak at the time, being in the middle of an unmedicated mental breakdown. It was amazing how much my mental health increased when that dude was no longer around!

(Also, I cannot tell you how good it felt when he came crawling back several years ago for me to tell him to take a hike.)

Proving what Groucho Marx said: Time wounds all heels

 

[Strixaluco]

This thread has grown cold already, but the subject is such an important one. I hope you are going strong @BiBunny!

"how do you have healthy relationships? How do you not screw things up when what you have is good?"

Now a truly lasting relationship, or even a healthy one, starts with choosing right. I am definitely not the best in that regard, having once chosen an unhealthy one and twice someone not matching well in the long run.

But keeping it healthy? That one I have managed as far as my partner hasn't sabotaged it. I've also followed a few other happy couples and how they do it. Like others, I have to say that communication is the key.

Communicating, not assuming. Often checking even if you think you know.

Sometimes giving kind of a manual into how you function. I think this might help the partners of neurodivergent even more, but even though I am classifies as typical, I still do it. Especially about my sensitivities.

Communicating also your fears and anxieties about the relationship, and other vulnerabilities. I can tell you from experience, that with the right partner it usually brings you closer to each other! Sometimes a LOT closer.

Listen. If your partner tells you something, believe it. Like wanting/not wanting/caring/etc. Don't expect you will be able to change any significant priorities or values that (s)he has. And if words and actions disagree... Well very often actions tell the truth (if there's a choice involved, of course - we can't always do as we like), but it is sometimes worthwhile pointing to that gap.

Don't bottle up. If something is nagging you, discuss it before it turns into something bigger.

Learn to solve disagreements in a constructive manner, if you (both of you) haven't already. One clever way I once learned from a friend was that they cut fights short and set up a time when they will solve it. Far enough that both will have time to 1. calm down and 2. come up with at least 2 solutions that they believe the other one could also accept. (Meaning with lesser arguments could be solved sooner, bigger issues needed more time.) When the time came, both had their turn to speak uninterrupted, before continuing. Many couples break up over much smaller disagreements than what they sailed through.

Give words to your feelings. Show your love. Keep it alive, don't take it for granted it stays alive without feeding. Oh and there are 5 love languages.... Which of these come natural to you both?

 

[BiBunny]

I want to thank everyone for contributing to this thread. I'm reading everyone's posts and taking your advice. I just suck at responding to such lovely and encouraging posts with anything other than just "Thank you!" and that feels crappy to me, somehow, for how much time and effort y'all have spent helping me. So I apologize for that, but I do appreciate your input, very much.

 

[FreakyMicNasty]

Honesty, trust, and a lot of sex

 

[DeepAchingNeed]

Ok, I've been hesitant to post this for reasons that will soon become clear--i.e., my fear of the other shoe dropping--but I figured y'all could help me more than I'm able to help myself right now. I'm also putting it here instead of in How-To because I feel most comfortable here and would like the advice of fellow kinky people.

I'm one of the Lit old-timers, but I only just stuck my head back in here a little while ago, so I'll briefly run through some relevant facts below. But what I want to know is, how do you have healthy relationships? How do you not screw things up when what you have is good?

About me: I am the only child of two narcissistic parents. Yes, I know it's unusual for two narcissists to get together, but mine have been married for 45 years and can't stand the sight of each other. So no help on how to navigate decent relationships there.

I am bipolar. I have ADHD. I may be on the autism spectrum. The first two I've been officially diagnosed with, and I'm being treated with several medications. I am and have been pretty stable, as far as the bipolar is concerned, for several years now. The autism bit is just something I suspect about myself, but I have not been officially diagnosed with that.

In my past, I have had relationships with people with many flavors of mental disorders because I was in varying states of mentally unhealthy myself. There are narcissists, borderlines, and of particular note, one outright psychopath (I am not exaggerating for effect here) in my relationship history. So all I managed to learn from any of that is what NOT to do. I've not had any healthy relationships (besides some of my friendships) or really even been close to people who have had healthy ones to know what I *should* be doing.

For the past two and a half years, I've had the most wonderful Daddy in my life. Even now, I'm afraid to say too much for fear of jinxing it, but let's just say that this is the healthiest situation I've ever found myself in.

I made a deal with myself when this started that I would take it one day at a time. But the last time we were together in person, he told me he loved me, for the first time. This made me very happy because I've been in love with him forever. But it did set off a sort of tailspin on my part because I'm so afraid I'm going to Fuck This Up in a most spectacular fashion.

I've made it this far--two and a half years. But I'd really like to continue for many more. So how do you properly relationship, especially when you're at least a *little* screwed up and can't afford therapy?

Thanks in advance, and I'll be happy to answer any questions if y'all require additional information.

Genuinely, there are about a bajillion (technical term) ways to seek assistance and aid in the mental health arena that are entirely free, or at most, on a kind of sliding scale. Throw yourself into your own "recovery" and mental health care with the same zeal, enthusiasm, excitement, passion, and drive that you put into your romantic and sensual relationships, and you will be amazed at what is possible. The fact for most of us is quite simply that we can attain nothing from outside of ourselves that can correct what is on the inside. We must find ways to learn and grow and increase our effectiveness and understanding from an introspective position of truth and empowerment from within first and foremost. Anything and anyone that you are looking to that you expect to make you whole or fill you up inside (aside from the momentary awesomeness in the tangible sexual sense) will inevitably let you down, fall short, and/or disappoint you. When you are able to recognize that you already have everything you could ever need, and genuinely love and care for yourself, the love that you offer and share in a relationship will be so much more rewarding and worthwhile. You CAN do it, you are NOT alone, and it WILL get better. There is so much out there! You can be free from all find your way to build what you truly and sincerely want... and what you AND your partner(s) really deserve.

 

[Dynamic_One]

Ok, I've been hesitant to post this for reasons that will soon become clear--i.e., my fear of the other shoe dropping--but I figured y'all could help me more than I'm able to help myself right now. I'm also putting it here instead of in How-To because I feel most comfortable here and would like the advice of fellow kinky people.

I'm one of the Lit old-timers, but I only just stuck my head back in here a little while ago, so I'll briefly run through some relevant facts below. But what I want to know is, how do you have healthy relationships? How do you not screw things up when what you have is good?

About me: I am the only child of two narcissistic parents. Yes, I know it's unusual for two narcissists to get together, but mine have been married for 45 years and can't stand the sight of each other. So no help on how to navigate decent relationships there.

I am bipolar. I have ADHD. I may be on the autism spectrum. The first two I've been officially diagnosed with, and I'm being treated with several medications. I am and have been pretty stable, as far as the bipolar is concerned, for several years now. The autism bit is just something I suspect about myself, but I have not been officially diagnosed with that.

In my past, I have had relationships with people with many flavors of mental disorders because I was in varying states of mentally unhealthy myself. There are narcissists, borderlines, and of particular note, one outright psychopath (I am not exaggerating for effect here) in my relationship history. So all I managed to learn from any of that is what NOT to do. I've not had any healthy relationships (besides some of my friendships) or really even been close to people who have had healthy ones to know what I *should* be doing.

For the past two and a half years, I've had the most wonderful Daddy in my life. Even now, I'm afraid to say too much for fear of jinxing it, but let's just say that this is the healthiest situation I've ever found myself in.

I made a deal with myself when this started that I would take it one day at a time. But the last time we were together in person, he told me he loved me, for the first time. This made me very happy because I've been in love with him forever. But it did set off a sort of tailspin on my part because I'm so afraid I'm going to Fuck This Up in a most spectacular fashion.

I've made it this far--two and a half years. But I'd really like to continue for many more. So how do you properly relationship, especially when you're at least a *little* screwed up and can't afford therapy?

Thanks in advance, and I'll be happy to answer any questions if y'all require additional information.

Typically, we attract our mirror -- mates that reflect some or most of our personality. This is so we can see those traits that no longer serve us within ourselves and discard or change what we need to so that we can move forward in life...and as a better version of ourselves. We can also perpetuate our parents patterns by "becoming like our mother" ...or father. In the end, it's up to us to un-do all the shit that was programmed into us by our parents, environment and our own choices, and all the resulting emotional trauma.

A power form of hypnosis developed by Dolores Cannon called QHHT got me on a path to healing and the rest was cleared by Ayahuasca and emotional release work. Also did a lot of peeling away the layers. You have to rip yourself open and see what's there, and once you clear the shit, then you realize that you're pretty fucking awesome and you start creating the life you want by deliberately making the best choices for yourself at every turn, being strong, have fun and achieving your dreams.

You always attract what and who you're supposed to attract. Stop being afraid. Everything out here is help and for your growth. Once you have enough self awareness, you know this intimately. You want it to work out well, and that's great. Just have fun and be self-aware so you can move past the old patterns. You can't control what might or might not happen. Life is a dance. Go out there and bust a move.

 

[AchtungNight]

Speaking as another autistic bipolar person with adhd, narcissism, and other mental disorders in various amounts- I fall back on various stress relievers. Mostly from my vivid overactive imagination. I also always smile when I see I am not alone. Hello humanity, how you been? Can I join you? If not I’ll be right over there watching.

 

[KateAYoung]

Ok, I've been hesitant to post this for reasons that will soon become clear--i.e., my fear of the other shoe dropping--but I figured y'all could help me more than I'm able to help myself right now. I'm also putting it here instead of in How-To because I feel most comfortable here and would like the advice of fellow kinky people.

I'm one of the Lit old-timers, but I only just stuck my head back in here a little while ago, so I'll briefly run through some relevant facts below. But what I want to know is, how do you have healthy relationships? How do you not screw things up when what you have is good?

About me: I am the only child of two narcissistic parents. Yes, I know it's unusual for two narcissists to get together, but mine have been married for 45 years and can't stand the sight of each other. So no help on how to navigate decent relationships there.

I am bipolar. I have ADHD. I may be on the autism spectrum. The first two I've been officially diagnosed with, and I'm being treated with several medications. I am and have been pretty stable, as far as the bipolar is concerned, for several years now. The autism bit is just something I suspect about myself, but I have not been officially diagnosed with that.

In my past, I have had relationships with people with many flavors of mental disorders because I was in varying states of mentally unhealthy myself. There are narcissists, borderlines, and of particular note, one outright psychopath (I am not exaggerating for effect here) in my relationship history. So all I managed to learn from any of that is what NOT to do. I've not had any healthy relationships (besides some of my friendships) or really even been close to people who have had healthy ones to know what I *should* be doing.

For the past two and a half years, I've had the most wonderful Daddy in my life. Even now, I'm afraid to say too much for fear of jinxing it, but let's just say that this is the healthiest situation I've ever found myself in.

I made a deal with myself when this started that I would take it one day at a time. But the last time we were together in person, he told me he loved me, for the first time. This made me very happy because I've been in love with him forever. But it did set off a sort of tailspin on my part because I'm so afraid I'm going to Fuck This Up in a most spectacular fashion.

I've made it this far--two and a half years. But I'd really like to continue for many more. So how do you properly relationship, especially when you're at least a *little* screwed up and can't afford therapy?

Thanks in advance, and I'll be happy to answer any questions if y'all require additional information.

Hello if you want a happy relationship with “daddy” please don’t over think things because he loves you