how does a nice guy become a master dom?

[stikkybunz]

my wife and i have been exploring subs and masters for a while now. the main issue i come across is getting over the voice in my head that tells me to STOP! choking, gagging, slapping, whipping, among the many other kinky acts that i failed to mention are all in the cards to be played in the bedroom. push come to shove, my mind wont let me do probably 90% of the thoughts that i have in my head. how can one become a true master in the bedroom when fear of hurting sets in? my wife and i even have a safe word. yet my mind screams that i am going to hurt her. my wife. my soul mate. my everything. anyone have any tips how override my programing in my mind? we are both at a loss for rewiring my mind.

 

[Primalex]

my wife and i have been exploring subs and masters for a while now.

Is this a board game?

 

[nakdsub]

Repetition...

Just keep doing it. Keep in mind, you're not really trying to be a true Master. A real Master starts with the personality. You do not have an inward need to dominate, obviously. You're looking to role play, convincingly, but role play just the same.
So, do it a lot. Soon you'll learn each other's limitations and won't worry so much about hurting her.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

Start small with what you both are comfortable with and gradually move up. No one starts full on and is perfect. Go to munches in your area and talk to other people and I find if you start on one or two things and concentrate on those rather than trying everything at once helps as well.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Let your wife be the judge. What if during the middle of a blow job your wife kept stopping because she was worried about her tongue being too wet or her sucking being too much? It would be frustrating. So get over it and start choking the hell out of your wife!!!

 

[stikkybunz]

Just keep doing it. Keep in mind, you're not really trying to be a true Master. A real Master starts with the personality. You do not have an inward need to dominate, obviously. You're looking to role play, convincingly, but role play just the same.
So, do it a lot. Soon you'll learn each other's limitations and won't worry so much about hurting her.

outside the bedroom, my wife and i are nowhere near dom and sub. to roll play is the fun of it. inside i have always been a sub until her and i met. we both discussed it and i want to play the roll. just need the mentality. we know what the other wants, and what they like.

 

[stikkybunz]

Is this a board game?

never saw it b4. it is a game? lol

 

[stikkybunz]

Let your wife be the judge. What if during the middle of a blow job your wife kept stopping because she was worried about her tongue being too wet or her sucking being too much? It would be frustrating. So get over it and start choking the hell out of your wife!!!

lmfao!!!!! rock on! thats one thing that i can do. tho the choking doesnt always go into breath play. but cutting circulation off is the common act. (i do know the risks and am very cautious of it) its the slapping and physical violence that gets to my head.

 

[SexyFatGirl]

outside the bedroom, my wife and i are nowhere near dom and sub. to roll play is the fun of it. inside i have always been a sub until her and i met. we both discussed it and i want to play the roll. just need the mentality. we know what the other wants, and what they like.

If the hangup is that you just can't get into the proper mindset to allow yourself to be in charge, it's possible that it could help you to look at it another way: You want to please your wife the best you can, right? To give her what she wants and needs? If you have a submissive mindset but want to top her, try thinking of what you're doing for her as serving her sexual needs. Trust that she will tell you if something needs to be done differently or if you are hurting her, and do your best to serve her by giving her what she wants.

If I've completely misread the problem this perspective might not be any help at all, but I wanted to chime in in case it might be useful.

The other advice you've gotten here is good. Don't try to go all extreme all at once, take it slowly. Munches can be an excellent resource for dipping your toes into stuff, and people there may be able to tell you about classes about rope-tying, impact play, etc., but keep in mind that you're not required to be a Real Dom or a True Master or any other labels. The goal is a fulfilling sexual relationship with your wife - don't lose sight of that to try to meet anyone else's standards.

 

[stikkybunz]

Start small with what you both are comfortable with and gradually move up. No one starts full on and is perfect. Go to munches in your area and talk to other people and I find if you start on one or two things and concentrate on those rather than trying everything at once helps as well.

we have read alot about the sun/dom online. we just joined this site a few days ago. i have no clue where to look to find a munch around town. any suggestions on that by chance?

 

[stikkybunz]

If the hangup is that you just can't get into the proper mindset to allow yourself to be in charge, it's possible that it could help you to look at it another way: You want to please your wife the best you can, right? To give her what she wants and needs? If you have a submissive mindset but want to top her, try thinking of what you're doing for her as serving her sexual needs. Trust that she will tell you if something needs to be done differently or if you are hurting her, and do your best to serve her by giving her what she wants.

If I've completely misread the problem this perspective might not be any help at all, but I wanted to chime in in case it might be useful.

The other advice you've gotten here is good. Don't try to go all extreme all at once, take it slowly. Munches can be an excellent resource for dipping your toes into stuff, and people there may be able to tell you about classes about rope-tying, impact play, etc., but keep in mind that you're not required to be a Real Dom or a True Master or any other labels. The goal is a fulfilling sexual relationship with your wife - don't lose sight of that to try to meet anyone else's standards.

there are no correct responses. i am thankful on everyone's reply. to each situation are different parameters. i look at everything and use what is helpful. anyhoo.... p.s. how do i quote just 1 line from a reply? your middle sentence was what i am replying to and i cant figure out how to just quote the 1 line.

 

[SexyFatGirl]

how do i quote just 1 line from a reply? your middle sentence was what i am replying to and i cant figure out how to just quote the 1 line.

Hit the quote button on the post itself (instead of using the quick post feature), and then when it goes to the advanced editing page, just erase the stuff you DON'T want to quote by highlighting it and hitting delete, or just backspacing over it.

I hope you and your wife find a good way to really enjoy yourselves with this. That kind of roleplay can be very fun and very fulfilling.

 

[Lord Pmann]

lmfao!!!!! rock on! thats one thing that i can do. tho the choking doesnt always go into breath play. but cutting circulation off is the common act. (i do know the risks and am very cautious of it) its the slapping and physical violence that gets to my head.

If she wants it, then give it to her. It's not disrespectful in the scheme of things. No more than she wants it to be.

I just have to say, my bj analogy was brilliant.

 

[stikkybunz]

If she wants it, then give it to her. It's not disrespectful in the scheme of things. No more than she wants it to be.

are you a cutter?

 

[njlauren]

Play can be hard because it can go against our 'better nature', when my wife started playing with me she used to apologize or feel bad about doing something.until she saw how fun it was. I would focus on your wife's pleasure, try to feel the energy she is putting out and realize you aren't doing this to hurt them, you are doing it because they love it

BTW this doesn't just affect newbies. I know a woman who is a fierce dom (gay sexually), who will play with men and give them quite a going over but can't go to that level with women, no matter how much they wish it, so don' feel bad.

BTW, a lot of the dom/mes I have met or played with were generally nice people, caring, considerate people who would be apoplectic if they caused someone else distress but wouldn't bat an eye at leaving some pretty wicked ass whip tracks on their subs back

 

[amofiga]

stikkybunz

The only advice I can give has already been given. It's now always about you, it's about her. When my wife originally told me that sometimes she likes to be spanked and tied up, I sort of felt funny about it. Actually, I had done those sorts of things with other women, but it seemed somehow weird hearing my wife say she wanted it. However, knowing it's what she wants makes it easier and I have to always remember that she's no different from other women who have said they sometimes like such things. It was originally strange for me because I was raised by parents who always stressed being "nice" to girls. I just have to remember that if it's what she wants, I AM being nice to her by helping her enjoy her sexuality.

That being said, I can't say that I am a full time dom nor that our relationship includes such dynamics outside the bedroom. I suspect that's sort of the case with you. You somehow feel strange manhandling your wife or humiliating her and worry about physically hurting her (too much). One thing that's important is that you have some ground rules in place for your "play" and that there is a safe word for her to call it quits. Given that, you just have to think of yourself as acting out a scene in a play. Explore your own personality and draw on those times when you wished you could be the aggressive master dom over some woman, and let yourself explore it.

 

[Lord Pmann]

are you a cutter?

Not at all.

 

[stikkybunz]

Not at all.

if your girl was and wanted you to cut her, would it be easy? i know its different. and i'm not trying to be an ass i promise. its hard to over ride my thoughts. but i'm learning better ways to think about it. so this is all a positive.

 

[Ellafun]

Just a guess...

Which one of you read Fifty Shades of Gray?

 

[sunkissedblues]

Which one of you read Fifty Shades of Gray?

Exactly what I was thinking! hah

 

[redguard45]

my wife and i have been exploring subs and masters for a while now. the main issue i come across is getting over the voice in my head that tells me to STOP! choking, gagging, slapping, whipping, among the many other kinky acts that i failed to mention are all in the cards to be played in the bedroom. push come to shove, my mind wont let me do probably 90% of the thoughts that i have in my head. how can one become a true master in the bedroom when fear of hurting sets in? my wife and i even have a safe word. yet my mind screams that i am going to hurt her. my wife. my soul mate. my everything. anyone have any tips how override my programing in my mind? we are both at a loss for rewiring my mind.

Guy have you never fantasied about dominating a woman forcing her to do things that make your cock happy, using her while you degrading her calling her every filthy name that you want and doing what you want to her. Get into a role remember what it’s like to be a man. She’s a fucking woman dominate her like they use to dominate and degrade women in ancient Rome, face fuck her, degrade her, force her to submit like the bitch she is. Spank her, choke her if you want but have control (so you don’t hurt her harder than she wants) be dominate but have control over the feelings of absolute power you have over her for your use like a man. When I am dominating my wife I make her lick my ass while I degrade her while she does it sometimes I grab her by the hair and throw her in the shower and pee on her while I call her names.
My wife loves for me to do things like that to her and a bunch of things I LOVE to do to women. It’s fun but you have to have control over your fun.

I have seen a platoons worth of dismount infantry in the Army buy a whore just to dominate her sexually. The platoon daddy starts what infantry platoons in certain ACRs and BCTs and some other units call “a platoon building exercise” or “platoon moral building”. The E-7 or highest ranking NCO starts the fun buy mouth fucking the whore until he pulls out and cums somewhere on her. Then the whole platoon falls on her like dogs fucking her, forcing her to perform what some of the older guys call tradition irrumatio, degrading her and sometimes after they are done they piss on her while calling her names. She makes a fuck ton of money from the platoon fund to let a bunch of shooters do that to her. I swear she gets off on letting infantry soldiers do that to her.

The real fucked up thing is a saw a video of a bunch of girls in our FSB (forward support battalion) do basically the same thing to a female whore they bought. Forced her to lie down and they degraded her, forced her to lick ass and peed on her while she ate them. Scary as shit to see a bunch of women I knew do that and get that violent.

I have seen a bunch of infantry play the drinking game called the smile game that also involves a whore and oral sex with the added fun of booze. The smile game is mostly limited to troops who have served in Asia. Local custom for soldiers and Marines there I hear.

 

[redguard45]

my wife and i have been exploring subs and masters for a while now. the main issue i come across is getting over the voice in my head that tells me to STOP! choking, gagging, slapping, whipping, among the many other kinky acts that i failed to mention are all in the cards to be played in the bedroom. push come to shove, my mind wont let me do probably 90% of the thoughts that i have in my head. how can one become a true master in the bedroom when fear of hurting sets in? my wife and i even have a safe word. yet my mind screams that i am going to hurt her. my wife. my soul mate. my everything. anyone have any tips how override my programing in my mind? we are both at a loss for rewiring my mind.

Have you never been dominate or had a job or training in fighting or aggression.
Have you never been a soldier or Marine or had any other dominate alpha male job? Have you never taken MMA or martial arts training for the fighting aspect of the combat style or sport. How about private weapons training at any of the shooting schools around America? Was your dad an alpha male or more of a beta. My dad dominated the shit out of my mom so maybe it is a nurture thing. My dad raised four soldiers and a Marine.

 

[redguard45]

This is what you need some training in controlled violence or some aggression training that also introduces control. Controlled violence that’s what you need. You need to get back to your male roots and learn to be violent like the warriors of your past just learn some control with it. Learn to dominate another human being with extreme violence in the ring or through the ability to kill that shooting schools reinforce but with control.

 

[Lord Pmann]

if your girl was and wanted you to cut her, would it be easy? i know its different. and i'm not trying to be an ass i promise. its hard to over ride my thoughts. but i'm learning better ways to think about it. so this is all a positive.

Cutting would be a bit different in my opinion, because that leaves scarring and all that. I'm not into damaging my wife. I'll be up for just about anything in bed, but not when it comes to dangerous, harmful stuff. That's just not my thing. I'm sure the people with the chainsaw fetishes are going to come out here shortly and tell me why I'm wrong. But this is my opinion.

Dominating? Yes please. Cutting her up like a 16 year old Disney starlet? No thanks.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Double post...