How to attract good men?

[titmouse]

In medias res is best ...

I have always blamed being overweight for the lack of man being interested in me, but lately I've been starting to have second thoughts. I am 23, pursue a good education, D&D, alcohol, nicotine free. Not a social butterfly, but not painfully shy either. Hard working person, confidant to most of her friends whom people generally seem to respect. Most say I have a pretty smile and my mirror tells me I am well proportioned and curvy in a Rubenesque way despite my extra pounds. Get the occasional compliment for a nice pair of earrings, or a nice outfit or a new hair cut, even from male friends, so I suspect not being invisible either, at least not completely.

Problem is: no one has ever approached me or behaved in a way that would have indicated interest in me as a woman.

I've been working on improving looks and attitude within the realms I feel comfortable with, but perhaps there is more I could do?

Target audience would be good men looking for a potentially lasting relationship and romance, so advice on how to pick up a random guy in a bar to get laid is not really what I am looking for.

What makes a woman attractive and what makes her unattractive?

Do good girls fair poorly in the dating game? If so, why? If not, any ideas why I could be the odd one out? How can you help it and still remain true to yourself?

Any input would be most welcome. Also from ladies who might have been there or are facing similar challenges. Or if you just have an opinion on any of the above.

Thank you for your time and effort. Your input is very much appreciated.

 

[slok]

Hi there, this isn't really advice but I just thought I would say something. I am a 23 yr old male in precisely the same position. I have no reason to think of myself as being mega ugly, I am often told the opposite but still I do not get approached by women.

All the "bad" boys seem to get the most attention. I think that from what you say it could be the same with women. It's just that the women/men with the most confidence (sometimes the really bad apples) stand out the most so people of the opposite sex are more likely to notice them. I am very shy/quiet around new people so I lessen my chances of being noticed and so do not get approached.

I am also not a fan of heavy drinking which is what most people seem to think makes a "good night out" so I'm not out at the bars etc but then would I want to meet someone there? It is likely I could meet someone there that is not a good match for me and would just cause me hassle. On the other hand there could be some other shy girl who, like me, doesn't do the whole "get drunk and use people" thing I happen to bump into because we both decided to go out and see what happens on the same night.

Life is one big game of chance and if you are louder you are noticed more, so us quiet ones blend into the background and have a lesser chance of being noticed.

Forgive me if this isn't making any sense, lol. Happy New Year by the way

 

[neck_romancer]

Well, I'm sure you know how to attract *men*, but the question is how to attract *good men*, so that requires a bit more precision.

I think that there's a really simple answer: do fun stuff.

Most good guys and most jerks have at least one thing in common: they like sex. So, anything you do to increase your looks or sexual attractiveness really isn't going to help you separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. It'll probably get you laid, but that's not what you're after.

A good guy, though... you'll be able to have fun with a good guy. Because, it's not just a question of "good", it's a question of "good for you". If you're doing what you love to do, what you have a really fun time doing, it'll show all over you. A good guy who sees you having a good time, and likes what you do will dig that, and will probably dig you for it.

Don't listen to what people say about needing to up your chances by making yourself attractive to more people: it's not about attracting the most people. From what you're saying, you only need yourself and one other person. Focus on what makes you happy, and see who pops up.

 

[FurryFury]

I see good advice on this thread. Guys will fuck anything that is handy and let's them. That's NOT what you are looking for.

A lot of guys won't even approach a girl they think is hot, see the thread about guys and rejection.

However getting involved in things YOU are interested in, living YOUR life, trying things, this is the way to a happier life period. People are attracted to other people that have a good sense of self, seem approachable and not desperate.

In my experience when you least expect it is when the good guys come along. You'll probably be busy and mostly happy with your life. This guy will require you to find a way to fit him in to your life's journey. It won't be easy but it might be well worth it.

As long as your focus is on being lonely or unhappy it's unlikely to happen. If it does happen it's more likely to be a failure or with the wrong sort.

That's only my opinion of course. As with all advice take what you can use, throw the rest away.


Fury

 

[Dreamslayer]

There's good advice on this thread, and I just wanted to add that it's very much worth listening to.

 

[slok]

I see good advice on this thread. Guys will fuck anything that is handy and let's them. That's NOT what you are looking for.

A lot of guys won't even approach a girl they think is hot, see the thread about guys and rejection.

However getting involved in things YOU are interested in, living YOUR life, trying things, this is the way to a happier life period. People are attracted to other people that have a good sense of self, seem approachable and not desperate.

In my experience when you least expect it is when the good guys come along. You'll probably be busy and mostly happy with your life. This guy will require you to find a way to fit him in to your life's journey. It won't be easy but it might be well worth it.

As long as your focus is on being lonely or unhappy it's unlikely to happen. If it does happen it's more likely to be a failure or with the wrong sort.

That's only my opinion of course. As with all advice take what you can use, throw the rest away.


Fury

This is good advice.

The point about guys approaching girls that they think are hot is a good one. If I think someone is hot I end up assuming that they are not going to have the personality or commitment I would like because I also assume that they know they are hot and are out for fun. So I do not bother. I know that is silly but it just happens.

I have decided that there is no point in thinking about it constantly so I'm just going to get on with my life and do thinks that I want to do, not try be be someone I am not just for the sake of "fitting in" in order to find somebody because the chances are they will not be right for me.

Just be you, do things you like to do and you will probably bump into someone with similar interests that you get along with and before you know it, bang, it hits you.

That's what I'm hoping for

(Quickly reminds himself that he promised himself not too think about it too much)

 

[FurryFury]

This is good advice.

The point about guys approaching girls that they think are hot is a good one. If I think someone is hot I end up assuming that they are not going to have the personality or commitment I would like because I also assume that they know they are hot and are out for fun. So I do not bother. I know that is silly but it just happens.

I have decided that there is no point in thinking about it constantly so I'm just going to get on with my life and do thinks that I want to do, not try be be someone I am not just for the sake of "fitting in" in order to find somebody because the chances are they will not be right for me.

Just be you, do things you like to do and you will probably bump into someone with similar interests that you get along with and before you know it, bang, it hits you.

That's what I'm hoping for

(Quickly reminds himself that he promised himself not too think about it too much)

Oh but DO be aware of the signs of interest. A LOT of guys seem oblivious.

If she looks into your eyes, chances are pretty good. She might not ask you out but pay attention.

If she smiles or laughs at things you say, that's a sign.

If she touches say, your arm, that's a sign.

Well, you get the idea, right?

And ladies if he spends any time at all with you, he is almost always interested, even if he won't say it or act on it.

Fury

 

[slok]

Oh but DO be aware of the signs of interest. A LOT of guys seem oblivious.

If she looks into your eyes, chances are pretty good. She might not ask you out but pay attention.

If she smiles or laughs at things you say, that's a sign.

If she touches say, your arm, that's a sign.

Well, you get the idea, right?

And ladies if he spends any time at all with you, he is almost always interested, even if he won't say it or act on it.

Fury

I am easily confused into not knowing what to think in these situations.

People need to use eye contact to hold a proper conversation and I always thought that if she laughs or touches an arm it's just being nice and friendly and is something they would do whilst having a good chat with any friend.

I have trouble sorting the "friendly" eye contact and touches from the "little more than friendly" ones. lol.

 

[FurryFury]

I am easily confused into not knowing what to think in these situations.

People need to use eye contact to hold a proper conversation and I always thought that if she laughs or touches an arm it's just being nice and friendly and is something they would do whilst having a good chat with any friend.

I have trouble sorting the "friendly" eye contact and touches from the "little more than friendly" ones. lol.

Usually and this is only my opinion, people don't spend time with people unless they are somewhat interested.

Look at it like the Internet.

Say you PM 100 women with an interest.

Only to the ones that respond in someway are you likely to continue to talk with.

People in RL tend to be the same way. If they don't see something happen they will back off, it just takes longer in RL. They will back off unless they have to be there because of work or something.

So the next time ask if she'd like to get coffee, see a movie or something, that's my advice.

Fury

 

[human_male]

I can't imagine what might be the problem, assuming you're getting out and about. I can say that the good girl thing is probably not an issue. A bad person being more sexually attractive is a female phenomenon. Some men may like a bad, slutty, easy girl but it's just the prospect of easy, nasty sex that turns them on. Unlike women and nice guys, no man's going to be turned off by a good girl. That's my view anyway.

What you do have to watch is how available you're making yourself. Ask youself if someone was interested, how would they go about letting you know. You have to give them the opportunity, and letting them know you're receptive also helps.

I'll give you examples of what I mean: There's two women at work that I liked. One of them would make a point of always saying hello when she saw me, and in a friendly way too, so I knew it was genuine. This greatly encouraged me and I felt confident in going and saying hello and introducing myself. After a few more weeks of her friendly hellos I asked her out for coffee.

The other girl I like literally dashed past me in the hallway, give me a thumbs up and said "You do a great job." and hurried away (I can only assume there was some interest there because I didn't know her and no one ever says that to me, but I could be wrong). Now what chance did I have to respond? I'm not Cassanova. I can't come up with something on the spur of the moment. All I managed was "Errr, thanks very much." If I'd have been prepared I could have smiled, said thank you and how are things with you, and blah blah and gotten a conversation going. Do you see what I'm getting at? You've got to give us a chance or there's nothing we can do.

There's also no reason why you can't make the first move of course, but no women are prepared to do that.

Anyway, I really hope you find some help and luck changes for you. That's the other thing too... luck. But you can't do anything about that.

 

[FurryFury]

I had a buddy that liked "nasty girls."

They always cheated on him.

I told him to find a nice girl who would be loving and respectful of him, then look for the nasty girl inside her.

I don't know if he followed my advice but he recently got married to a lovely seeming girl from a rich family.

*smiles*

Fury

 

[human_male]

I had a buddy that liked "nasty girls."

They always cheated on him.

I told him to find a nice girl who would be loving and respectful of him, then look for the nasty girl inside her.

I don't know if he followed my advice but he recently got married to a lovely seeming girl from a rich family.

*smiles*

Fury

Point taken. But I'd imagine it was just the easy sex, or percieved easy sex that drew him to them.

I'd be very surprised to meet a man that was turned off by nice girls, and only liked bad ones.



It's also my plan to find a nice one and look for the nasty inside her.

 

[titmouse]

Re

First of all, I want to say wow and thank you all so much! I must say I felt a little overwhelmed by the shower of supportive posts and advice. But there is one thing I have to know:

Mom, which one is your handle?!!!

Seriously though, she usually tells me that I will meet someone when I least expect it and live my own awfully busy life with a good attitude and enjoying the journey. I suppose when so many echo her advice I better give it a try soon.

Problem is only, my life-dream of sorts has been not to become a doctor or popular or a politican or a translator, rather to meet a good man, fall in love like crazy, get married and have a bunch of kids and live happily ever after and probably work for things to last damn hard every day. And while I did always well in my responsibilities like eductaion, work, language competitions, volunteer service, the success in those fields was never really what I actually wanted and kept dreaming about. So in a way I am leading a rich life and yet am not satisfied and happy with it because the most important area of it seems to be not working at all, if that makes sense.

And being happy with your life is one of the few things where "fake it till you make it" may not work IMO.

But your posts got me thinking and I had this idea of maybe setting small goals at a time that in a way would contribute to fulfilling my dream on the long run. For example lately I got into baking. Not something I have had much experience in so far, but becoming better at it, while it may not directly get me a good man, one day it may contribute to having a happy man on my side. Or something like that. It's a rough draft, probably need to think more about it.

This whole issue is most likely much addow about nothing. And I don't think I would have considered sharing those questions with you if it was just a case of "I don't get male attention", but rather "I have never ever got male attention in real life, so what's wrong with me?!"

Bottom line, you are wonderful and I appreciate your reassuring comments and insights very much.

I had a buddy that liked "nasty girls."

They always cheated on him.

I told him to find a nice girl who would be loving and respectful of him, then look for the nasty girl inside her.

Great advice. Same goes for guys. At least I so very much hope so!

 

[FurryFury]

Actually I think "faking it" can be very theraputic in this area as well.

Another thought is that you need to try new things that take you out of the house but are not work or school. That way you may find things that give you joy and in that joy someone may just find you.

Fury

 

[Leah57]

I can't believe no one else has mentioned this yet......

Why not try a "personals" site online? There are several good ones. I personally happen to like Yahoo - I met my BF of over 4 years there. Surf around some of the singles sites (eharmony may be a good one, too, but I can't speak from experience). Some of them aren't free, but may have a free trial or something like that. or you can search the databases for some of the characteristics you're interested in, and if you find someone you would like to learn more about, join there.... start with something painfully simple like "I like your profile".... of course, you'll have to have your own profile out there, too....

 

[ShinigamiSama]

the only thing I can think of is really just find a place like I dont know
I'd say a bar but you mentioned alcohol free
so maybe coffee shop that's got moderate clientelle and hanging out an hour or so a day when ever you can?
and I dont mean something like a star bucks or a timmie's either

good luck hun

and if you accidently start picking up good women to tell eh?
and likewise if I end up getting some good guys I'll give the heads up
lol

 

[deliciously_naughty]

I've been working on improving looks and attitude within the realms I feel comfortable with, but perhaps there is more I could do?

Target audience would be good men looking for a potentially lasting relationship and romance, so advice on how to pick up a random guy in a bar to get laid is not really what I am looking for.

What makes a woman attractive and what makes her unattractive?

Do good girls fair poorly in the dating game? If so, why? If not, any ideas why I could be the odd one out? How can you help it and still remain true to yourself?

Any input would be most welcome. Also from ladies who might have been there or are facing similar challenges. Or if you just have an opinion on any of the above.

Thank you for your time and effort. Your input is very much appreciated.

I think attitude is a major factor in a woman's attractiveness. Being well put together doesn't hurt. I'm 5'4'' and weighed around 225 when I met my husband=size 22 or so clothes. That my attitude is positive and self assured (even when I'm really not) was a big draw. That we had common interests and could have long conversations. That we clicked physically with each other (even though we waited a month to have sex).

Good girls can fair quite well in the dating game. Guys (mostly) don't really want to date a bitch. I had a friend who was a size 2 gorgeous bitch. And her relationships failed because of that.

The key things are to set realistic expectations.

You don't want a guy under say 28 or so because most of them are immature. I might even say 30+.

Don't look for a male model. Not because you're overweight (as I am) but because most superhot guys are fairly boring once you get past the fact that they're hot. Substance is key.

Avoid all men who are within six months of a failed relationship. They're rebounding (mostly) regardless of what they say. I wasted over a year on one of these.

Try things like online dating-which is how I met my husband. I met most of my boyfriends from online dating sights like okcupid and match for the past 5 years before I met Mr DN

Be very upfront about what you're looking for. Tell a guy (or at least your profile) that you're not looking for meaningless casual bullshit.

Be yourself. There's nothing that will spoil a relationship faster than pretending to be someone you're not because you think the guy you're with will like it better. The real you will eventually surface. Again, experience talking.

 

[Juggle5]

Do things with other people.

Hi, Titmouse,

Here's some suggestions from my looonnnnggg ago days when I was in your situation. Do things with other people where the focus is something other than just talking. Adult Ed classes are good, things like pottery, American Sign Language, auto mechanics, juggling, ... I met my wife of 37 years when she took an adult ed fencing class I was teaching. Classes are good too because it's easy to ask someone you are interested in to join you for coffee or a snack before heading home.

Another suggestion is to join a fairly large church, and get involved. (Volunteers will never be turned down.) If you're not big on religion, try a Unitarian-Universalist church. They accept a wide variety of beliefs from Christian to Buddist to Pagan to Atheist. They are interested in each person's individual search for meaning in life, where ever it takes you. A church with a large singles group would be ideal.

Hope you find someone someday.
Juggle5

 

[human_male]

I think attitude is a major factor in a woman's attractiveness. Being well put together doesn't hurt. I'm 5'4'' and weighed around 225 when I met my husband=size 22 or so clothes. That my attitude is positive and self assured (even when I'm really not) was a big draw. That we had common interests and could have long conversations. That we clicked physically with each other (even though we waited a month to have sex).

Good girls can fair quite well in the dating game. Guys (mostly) don't really want to date a bitch. I had a friend who was a size 2 gorgeous bitch. And her relationships failed because of that.

The key things are to set realistic expectations.

You don't want a guy under say 28 or so because most of them are immature. I might even say 30+.

Don't look for a male model. Not because you're overweight (as I am) but because most superhot guys are fairly boring once you get past the fact that they're hot. Substance is key.

Avoid all men who are within six months of a failed relationship. They're rebounding (mostly) regardless of what they say. I wasted over a year on one of these.

Try things like online dating-which is how I met my husband. I met most of my boyfriends from online dating sights like okcupid and match for the past 5 years before I met Mr DN

Be very upfront about what you're looking for. Tell a guy (or at least your profile) that you're not looking for meaningless casual bullshit.

Be yourself. There's nothing that will spoil a relationship faster than pretending to be someone you're not because you think the guy you're with will like it better. The real you will eventually surface. Again, experience talking.

I agree you have to be realistic in your expectations if you use a singles website. I noticed the women on those sites are really picky. Beyond picky actually. They always seem to have a list of specifications as long as your arm. And you see really gorgeous ones that have their add up month after month, and I can't help but wonder what exactly are they waiting for.

I think once they sign up and see how many thousands of men are available they think they can sit back and wait for the cream of the crop to contact them. But I don't think it works like that.

So be realistic. Don't be afraid to make the first move and don't be discouraged. Also don't be put off by the "wanna fuck" messages, and the dick pic messages. No matter what you put in your profile you'll get those because some men just message everyone hoping to get lucky. It's just one of the things women have to put up with. Just like men have to put up with being rejected over and over and over again. Which is why I'll never use a singles site again.

 

[scorp0]

"what makes a woman attractive?"

an interest in me, mutual interests and outside interests. If I know she likes who I am i'm much more inclined to find who who she is. If she has outside interests i'm more inclined to look deeper without being concerned about quickly being the only focus.
I'm not good at the language of women ,that being hints and subtlety. I like straight simple words. I like you...you''e fun etc.

i'm much more likely to notice women who look "hot" in a bar or on the street but it is a transitory thing. while looks no doubt play a part, i'm not going to build a relationship with a woman because of their appearance, it's because of who they are.

 

[DrFanservice]

This is good advice.

The point about guys approaching girls that they think are hot is a good one. If I think someone is hot I end up assuming that they are not going to have the personality or commitment I would like because I also assume that they know they are hot and are out for fun. So I do not bother. I know that is silly but it just happens.

I have decided that there is no point in thinking about it constantly so I'm just going to get on with my life and do thinks that I want to do, not try be be someone I am not just for the sake of "fitting in" in order to find somebody because the chances are they will not be right for me.

Just be you, do things you like to do and you will probably bump into someone with similar interests that you get along with and before you know it, bang, it hits you.

That's what I'm hoping for

(Quickly reminds himself that he promised himself not too think about it too much)

Agreed