How to... break the ice

[j_cole]

So i am new to posting here but have been lurking for a long time.. but that is neither here nor there.. i have a question to ask you all.

First a little history. I have been a fairly shy person all of my life and at times have had real trouble talking and holding a conversation with people i don't know or have just met recently. This comes and goes but it is definitely a lot easier for me to conversate with people i know well.. This seems like it is generally acceptable and is not too weird. Now my question.

I'm 21 and in college, about to be 22. I just recently, like a month and a half ago, got out of a serious relationship of three years. I am looking to get back in the dating scene at some point but i'm not sure when as of now. However, I know that i would like to be able to atleast talk to and become friends with women consistently. For some reasonthough, when i am talking to women i am not completely comfortable with.. i can't talk. Things either become akward or boring for her. To clarify, i don't have speech problems, just trouble keeping the conversation going.

So women, what do guys say to you when you first meet them that keeps you interested in them.. and men, what do you say.. how's your 'game' work?

I just have trouble breaking the ice when talking with new people (i.e. not knowing what to say) and i know people say you should ask questions or whatever.. but they never elaborate on that and i don't know what to ask about.. so yeah. Please any suggestions would help a lot.

Thanks

 

[Malaria]

when i first met my boyfriend of almost 3 years now he didn't have to say anything to break the ice. The jammy beast pulled a face at me. Well after that I just made him walk me home and Ta Da!!! He's also very shy which goes to show that yhou don't need words to break the ice. If you see a girl you like, get her attention with something silly, after that if shes interested too, it should be plain sailing

 

[Amanroth]

hey. as i wouldn't necessarily consider myself an expert on picking up the ladies, i can only offer you some advice that has helped me. I don't really try though, i find. It seems to me that when i try, i strike out, but when i'm in a position where i just don't care, i'm a lot better. now obviously it's hard to not care about it if it happens to be your goal, so my advice would be to allow yourself to loosen up by having a couple drinks. not so many that your speech is all slurred and you sound like a moron, but 2 drinks makes you feel a bit more confident with yourself, i find.

Now the one thing that i notice about girls is they like a guy that can make them laugh. usually i do this by using my own sense of humor. it's a bit hard to explain what that entails, but usually i can make a joke sound very serious, and i'm never past putting myself down. i think when i make a joke about some of my own shortcomings, it helps to break the ice a bit, letting the girl know i'm not a cocky prick. but also i don't try to put myself down and sound like i hate myself or like i'm depressed. i dunno what your sense of humor is like, but making them laugh is the best way to start a conversation. that way you can always keep her interested because hell, you may not have anything to say that's relevant, but if you can at least tell a joke or two that are GOOD, she'll probably like you. if you're just looking to get laid by a complete stranger though, i'm afraid i can't really help you, because i have tried and i'm not very good at it, unless they are a dirty slut. my brand of humor and the way i work my mojo usually ends up in the girl either passing me for one of my friends, in which i use my humor to help him out instead, or in the girl being in love with me, which... i don't wanna sound cocky, but it seems to happen a lot.

also this is my first post too. i hope it helps you. i realize it was fairly ambiguous. but if you're looking for a girlfriend... just be yourself. chances are if you aren't yourself, it won't last cuz she won't like the real you. if you're looking for a one night stand or possible fuck buddy... i'd say make it seem like you have no interest in sex itself, and just try to enjoy the night and make her laugh. also getting her drunk isn't a bad idea either.

 

[human_male]

It's a common problem, and don't worry it'll get easier with age and practice. I was like you for a long time, now though I don't have much problem talking to women, mostly. There are still times when things sieze up and I don't know what to say.

I think the trick is to just talk to them simply as if they were another guy, just a male friend (just with less swearing and references to sport). As to actually what to ask well just think of the situation you're in (if in a bar watching a band talk about the band, if in a class in school talk about the subject), and don't worry if what you're saying seems boring, stupid or banal... they don't seem to mind as long as you're friendly and smile a lot.

The last time I really put the moves on someone was a teacher at the school I work at. We went out for coffee and since she was a drama teacher, and also was new to Auckland I just focused on those things. How are you enjoying teaching/the school/Auckland? What are the students like, do you get on with them? How does one go about grading a drama course, tell me all about that. Is the class putting any plays on, oh that sounds interesting? Do you prefer Auckland to your home town? Did you want to move or did you move just for the job? And so forth. Tell her a bit about yourself too, especially if you have something particularly interesting to say, but mostly keep the focus on her. She'll probably be just as nervous and stuck for things to say, so she'll enjoy talking to you if you can keep the flow going.

I hope that helps. If not, just remember to keep at it and it'll get easier. That's not much help I know, but don't give up.

Oh yeah I forgot... eye contact. Eye contact. Eye contact.

 

[M's girl]

If you're not too good at doing the talking you must say something that makes her talk. Ask questions. Where does she study/work. Does she like her study/job. Things like that. It helps if you find out before what she likes. She will more likely talk more extensively about subjects that interest her.

Don't be afraid to compliment someone, but make sure your compliments are genuigne and not over the top. You must be/sound sincere. The worst that can happen is that she thanks you and leaves it at that. Main thing is you need to be bold sometimes and take your chances. Women like that.

It's hard to give you scenario's of what to do and say, because every woman and every situation is different. Don't be afraid to look at her face when you speak to her. When you do it shows confidence plus you will be able to 'read' her reaction to you.

Turn your insecurities into material you can work with. If she seems somewhat shy too, just tell her you are shy, but desperately wanted to talk to her so you took your chance and she needs to help you a bit. Things like that.

Just do it, basically. Jump! There is not much else you can do if you want to take a chance here and there!

 

[M's girl]

........also getting her drunk isn't a bad idea either.

Yes it is.

Welcome to Lit anyway...

 

[Amanroth]

No it isn't. Granted getting her totally smashed, IS, in fact, a horrible idea. But as I said, it always helps me to talk to new people when I have a couple in me. I'm sure it works well for everyone else. If you're in a bar, and you buy the lady a drink, it'll help her loosen up a bit and talk back, given she's probably nervous too.

 

[M's girl]

Buying her a drink is something else than 'getting her drunk' you know?

 

[Amanroth]

Yes but I intended for it to sound like a joke.

Although looking back on it, I suppose it's hard to imply something like that when you're only writing text and not actually saying anything. I guess the words lacked the proper emphasis to implicate a joke. It sounded good in my head before I wrote it down anyways.

Moving on.

 

[M's girl]

Yes but I intended for it to sound like a joke.

Although looking back on it, I suppose it's hard to imply something like that when you're only writing text and not actually saying anything. I guess the words lacked the proper emphasis to implicate a joke. It sounded good in my head before I wrote it down anyways.

Moving on.

Fair enough.

But that's what they invented the smileys/emoticons for....

 

[TBKahuna123]

Dude, I was in your same position at about the same age. I was suddenly single after a long relationship and I realized I had never asked out a woman before. All of my relationships just sort of happened, just developed out of other social situations. As I look back on it, I realized that the way this happened was that I met these women in a social setting where I felt comfortable. For example, when I was out at a bar or something, I was shy, self-conscious and in general uncomfortable. When I was in the theater though, I was the man. I was confident that I knew what I was doing and I knew that I was respected by my peers. This confidence is what made women attracted to me.

Now, the answer isn't to just act confident all the time, that's too hard. The idea is to put yourself in social situations where you are already confident. In those situations you can talk about things you are confident about and the women there will be interested in what you have to say. And believe me, there are smart, beautiful, amazing women in EVERY situation. Taking this approach is NOT settling. After a few experiences like this, I found I had more confidence in other social situations as well. Of course I met my wife in the theater anyway, so you never know.

The other idea is that if you can't think of anything to say, ask questions. Ask a question and let her drive the conversation.

One other thing to remember, if she let you start a conversation, she was interested in you, at least a little. Be confident in that and roll with it.

Good luck dude. Just remember that guys like us usually wind up with the best girls, the ones that appreciate the sensitive type.

 

[tanyachrs]

Asking questions is a good suggestion.

My grandmother (who knew she was an expert on picking up women?) likened the art of conversation to a tennis volley. When your partner hits the ball at you, you need to hit it back where they can get at it. Not so hard it goes past them, but not so soft it doesn't make it all the way there.

So when she says "What are you studying in school?" and you say "Economics" it's like hitting a dinker into the net. Say "Economics and it's been more challenging than I expected" or "Economics and I'm dying to get out of it" or "Economics. I know it sounds nerdy but I love it" or "Economics. How about you?" Anything that gives her an opening.

It will feel artificial at first but eventually you and she will find a subject that genuinely interests you both and the future benefit of practicing the gentle art of conversation is it will come in handy when you meet her parents.

 

[j_cole]

Wow.. i wasn't expecting this much advice already.. thank you all so much!

So to respond:

I have always found that i meet my girlfriends/lovers through school (h.s. as my recent breakup i met my senior year). Talking to strangers (men included) is not something i am comfortable with or do well. It kinda sucks because i've only been in a situation where i didn't know anyone like twice in my life.. and the second is right now.

I'm in a new place with no friends (i'm slowly makin them tho) and no way to get off the campus i'm on (which is only 18% women, but i suppose at this point that shouldn't matter). I'm really just looking to make friends with women and then charm em up later if i want a relationship with them once i know em. I actually am pretty good at this, but i have to know them well enough to be open with them in convo.

Its weird cuz even when i'm around my friends and i'm comfortable i still have a hard time talking to women. It just doesn't come to me and takes me quite a while of being around someone to get used to talking. I guess that i'm not good at figuring out what people are interested in (or somethin). I have to get to know them.

I really do appreciate all the advice and can't tell you how insightful it is for me to read.

I see girls around that i find physically attractive (duh!) but i don't really have classes with them and typically only see them in passing. Usually i just smile and say hello or something but its not really a good time to make conversation. I'm kinda hoping for a party/school event where i may have a chance to start a conversation and put all your advice to good use but I'm not foreseeing anything like that happening soon. I guess I'm just totally inexperienced in this kind of thing. Thank you all and please feel free to leave more suggestions if ya can think of some.

~j

 

[StrapFantasy]

I'm afraid the reality is our minds (male and female alike) are most often made up long before any words are spoken. Think about it; if you see a girl and decide she's not particularly attractive, you're probably not going to change your mind no matter what she says to you later on. Ladies aren't any different. As much as we'd all like to think we've evolved beyond physical attraction/first impressions, all of that is still very much with us.

If a mutual physical attraction isn't there before you speak those first words, the odds are very much against you. If she's not attracted to you, she puts up a barrier that is difficult to penetrate with any amount of charm or wit. Not impossible, but certainly difficult. If what you say has an effect on her, then there was some kind of attraction that caused her to keep the door open to hear you.

It isn't a matter of getting another person to like you. They've already decided whether to give you an opportunity long before you had any chance to influence their choice. Sure there are exceptions, but as a general rule, natural selection is far ahead of all of us.

 

[human_male]

I'm afraid the reality is our minds (male and female alike) are most often made up long before any words are spoken. Think about it; if you see a girl and decide she's not particularly attractive, you're probably not going to change your mind no matter what she says to you later on. Ladies aren't any different. As much as we'd all like to think we've evolved beyond physical attraction/first impressions, all of that is still very much with us.

If a mutual physical attraction isn't there before you speak those first words, the odds are very much against you. If she's not attracted to you, she puts up a barrier that is difficult to penetrate with any amount of charm or wit. Not impossible, but certainly difficult. If what you say has an effect on her, then there was some kind of attraction that caused her to keep the door open to hear you.

It isn't a matter of getting another person to like you. They've already decided whether to give you an opportunity long before you had any chance to influence their choice. Sure there are exceptions, but as a general rule, natural selection is far ahead of all of us.

I think you're probably right, but you're not gonna know unless you get in there and talk to her. Also, I think it's possible for a woman to slowly become attracted to someone whom she previously thought of as a friend. It's probably pretty rare though.

 

[StrapFantasy]

I think you're probably right, but you're not gonna know unless you get in there and talk to her. Also, I think it's possible for a woman to slowly become attracted to someone whom she previously thought of as a friend. It's probably pretty rare though.

Oh, I agree. I didn't clarify what sent me down that track. People tend to think there is some trick or knack, some tactic, to getting someone to like them. There isn't - the reality is most likely what I said in my previous comment. So, just be yourself. If it happens, it happens. If not, it was probably decided before you could even attempt to do something to influence it.

I do think deeper intimacy can sometimes grow from friendship, though rare. And I think sometimes a person can win another over through sheer persistence, however that is also rare.

 

[rexfelis]

Good advice for breaking the ice:

Never drink alcohol in order to feel good for socializing. Instead, learn to stop worrying so much. When you worry about each woman's response, you seem as if you need each woman's approval, and thus you seem needy. Needy turns women off. Fun, playful, carefree, has-nothing-to-lose-and-doesn't-really-care-because-it's-just-a-social-game is what attracts women.

So... to break the ice, treat women as though you've known them forever, like they're your little sister or something. Stop approaching as if you only have one chance because this one is the only one, and start approaching like it doesn't matter. Tease, be playful, joke around. There's only 3.25 BILLION other women out there.

You know how it's such an effective sales technique to "assume the sale"? The salesperson gives his or her spiel and then says, "So how many can I put you down for?" They assume you want it, and want more than one. This leads people to do what you want even if they didn't originally want to. Well, assume the aquaintance. Walk in and immediately start talking like you've known them for a while. It assumes a comfort level that they don't have, and pulls them toward it. This takes confidence, which really impresses the ladies if you can be congruent with body language, tone of voice, how fast you talk, etc.

Confidence takes it's time. Talk slowly. Walk slowly. Move slowly.

Act like you belong there.

The biggest and best piece of advice I can give you for breaking the ice is...

Develop self confidence. If you want to know more about that, PM me.