How to get a guy to talk who doesn't

[Pandora23456]

I want to help out a friend of mine but my thoughts aren't really helping. How do you get a guy to talk about the problems in a relationship or anything in general that has to do with the two people in the relationship? The guy continues to say that real men don't talk, it's just for gay guys. Do you think he has underlying issues? Please give me your thoughts.

 

[Shadowann2]

I want to help out a friend of mine but my thoughts aren't really helping. How do you get a guy to talk about the problems in a relationship or anything in general that has to do with the two people in the relationship? The guy continues to say that real men don't talk, it's just for gay guys. Do you think he has underlying issues? Please give me your thoughts.

Run, don't walk, away from a guy who says that! Communication, especially about what's going on in the relationship is essential for the relationship to work! If you can't talk about the problems, or issues, in the relationship, then they can't get resolved. Any man (or woman!) who flat refuses to talk about what's going on, isn't worth your time. They obviously don't care enough about the relationship to work on it, or even really participate in it, since communication is the number one requirement for a healthy relationship. And the excuse, "Real men don't talk," is a load of crap, and show's a very antiquated view of the roles of men and women in a relationship. Kick him to the curb, and be glad you dodged that bullet!

(That's what I would tell her, if she was my friend.)

 

[mynameisben]

I want to help out a friend of mine but my thoughts aren't really helping. How do you get a guy to talk about the problems in a relationship or anything in general that has to do with the two people in the relationship? The guy continues to say that real men don't talk, it's just for gay guys. Do you think he has underlying issues? Please give me your thoughts.

This is a joke. Right? It's difficult for me to believe any guy can be so stereotypically dim-witted to use a homophobic "Real guys don't..." troglodyte-ism. Some things are too obvious to post in a Dear Abby thread, and this is one of them.

In the astronomically unlikely event this is not a joke, then I agree whole-heartedly with Shadowann. Don't walk -- run out of that relationship as fast as you can and don't ever look back. Ever.

 

[niv78]

Wow, you people are quick to tell someone to run from a relationship. Part of a relationship is working through these types of issues. I'm a type of person who does not usually talk about bad things going on with me because I do not like to burden people with my problems. Chances are he sees things quite similarly.

The best way to get him to talk about his issues is to just give him time, You can't expect everyone to just change who they are quickly, I have to trust someone and know they can handle my problems before I share them.

Men are also more likely to talk about actions, rather than feelings. Pointing out the acts of relationship problems would lead to them at least thinking about the emotions behind those problems thus being more likely to address them when he can see them as a concern.

 

[PhilGarlic]

Dont

Don't try, once he starts, the drivel and bull that comes out will drive you mad.
As for real men, they know when to talk but most importantly when to stop!

 

[Pandora23456]

No, he doesn't even do this. If she asks what she might be doing wrong in the relationship than he says yeah there are things but you have to figure them out on your own or they won't get fixed. She asks but you won't say what. He seems like a great guy except when she does something he hates and than it drives him mad...but since he never tells her what drives him mad she can't stop doing it.

Wow, you people are quick to tell someone to run from a relationship. Part of a relationship is working through these types of issues. I'm a type of person who does not usually talk about bad things going on with me because I do not like to burden people with my problems. Chances are he sees things quite similarly.

The best way to get him to talk about his issues is to just give him time, You can't expect everyone to just change who they are quickly, I have to trust someone and know they can handle my problems before I share them.

Men are also more likely to talk about actions, rather than feelings. Pointing out the acts of relationship problems would lead to them at least thinking about the emotions behind those problems thus being more likely to address them when he can see them as a concern.

 

[SubNebGuy]

First of all, yes these close minded men still exist in teenage form. Hell, racism still exists and that fire has been stomped out so many times....but I digress.

If he won't talk, your relationship is doomed. Communication is probably the most important thing about a relationship. Without it, you are two separate people living two separate lives with no idea if the other person loves you or wants to kill you in your sleep.

If he won't talk, its time to break up and find someone new. If that doesn't crack his shell, he's going to live a miserable life indeed...and one your 'friend' doesn't need to be a part of.

 

[silverwhisper]

pandora quoth:
if she asks what she might be doing wrong in the relationship than he says yeah there are things but you have to figure them out on your own or they won't get fixed. she asks but you won't say what. he seems like a great guy except when she does something he hates and than it drives him mad...but since he never tells her what drives him mad she can't stop doing it.

i really gotta dispute the characterization of "great guy" if he's that much of an asshole. seriously: if he won't say what the problem is, the problem is his, not hers.

ed

 

[littlebabyclit]

The guy whom this thread is about sounds seriously communication challenged. If she elects to stay with him, she's in for a LOT of exhausting work emotionally, methinks. That will get old, if not soon, eventually. Perhaps time and aggravation will erode this relationship on its own.

 

[lennythelion]

If she asks what she might be doing wrong in the relationship than he says yeah there are things but you have to figure them out on your own or they won't get fixed. She asks but you won't say what. He seems like a great guy except when she does something he hates and than it drives him mad...but since he never tells her what drives him mad she can't stop doing it.

I think that's just plain abusive. It sounds like a way of keeping control in the relationship so that she can never know where she stands. To quote Monty Python's Holy Grail knights: "run away! run away!"

 

[fenghuang]

IMHO the first option is not to run. It should be to try to understand.
Western society makes it dificult for any men to talk about feelings - that doesn't inherently make them abusive.
Is he abusive? (His SO needs to decide that objectively, for herself.)
Only if the answer is yes, should she walk away ... with her head held high.
If the answer is no, and if the relationship matters enough, she should take small steps to make it work for both of them.

How to get his to start talking? I think the key is how to start. And IMHO that has to be done entirely in context - who is he, how does he talk, how does he think - it's a huge question for anyone to answer without knowing him as well as she might.

 

[subwannabe]

This guy is total loser and can't be fixed. Some women just need to realize that some guys just can't be changed. He is the way he is and no matter how much they think they can change him, they can't.

 

[MissMDS]

My husband isn't much of a talker. However, he had enough other qualities for me to keep him rather than turn him loose while we were dating. If she wants to keep him for the long haul, she needs to start asking the right questions to get the answers she's looking for.

 

[Shadowann2]

I think that's just plain abusive. It sounds like a way of keeping control in the relationship so that she can never know where she stands. To quote Monty Python's Holy Grail knights: "run away! run away!"

I agree. It sounds like he is trying to exert his control over her. Saying it won't get fixed unless she figures it out for herself is the biggest load of crap I ever heard! How is she supposed to know what to "fix," if the dipshit refuses to tell her? Is she supposed to be a mind reader?! Just because he tells her what is bothering him doesn't make her attempts to fix it after the fact any less productive or sincere.

Of course, this begs the question: When she has problems with what he does, does he make the effort to work on things? Or, are we to assume that he is psychic and knows what bothers her and never does it?

I think this guy is messed up in the head with his unrealistic expectations of your friend and his refusal to work on the relationship (i.e. communicating!). I stand by my original statement: Run...don't walk!

 

[CaRaMeLPoleDoll]

This reminds me of my Ex. sometimes it only took saying the wrong thing, or not doing something to get him uppity about it. of course i never knew what i had done wrong to cause his anger but instead of talking about it he would give me the silent treatment... let me just say mental abuse like that is dangerous and will inevitably cause long term issues for her, even if she dumps him in the end.
in saying that though i agree with MissMDS below...

My husband isn't much of a talker. However, he had enough other qualities for me to keep him rather than turn him loose while we were dating. If she wants to keep him for the long haul, she needs to start asking the right questions to get the answers she's looking for.

if she wants to stay with him maybe she needs to be asking the right questions or asking them in a way that he will respond positively.

it does sound like he's a bit of a jerk... i'm biased though given my experience with these types of guys.