How To get over LIES

[MR.GGG]

I'm just extracting myself from a relationship where I knew she had veracity problems. I thought I could help her ... ground her so to speak. She chose the lies or at least the paranoia of not admitting that I KNEW she'd lied about some stuff and feared my reaction when it became obvious. The fact that it was a long distance relationship exacerbated the situation. It might have been salvageable IF I'd been able to join her sooner but that is a moot point at this time.

Question. What is the biggest LIE you've ever told? OR - What is the biggest lie somebody close has told you? Did you / they get caught? Did the relationship recover or were the trust issues insurmountable? Did you feel betrayed? Did they? What kind of reaction is "normal" with some people when they get caught? How did you or they justify the lie (s) in the first place? What was the motivation.

I'm not talking wee white lies like "Yes dear I think your new hair style looks GREAT (gag) ." That are meant to be kind. I mean whoppers where the person telling them KNOWS that either the lie or the discovery of the lie will HURT big time, probably kill the relationship and leave you bitter and confused. I'm just curious what some others have gone through. As I jump VERY reluctantly back into the "singles" scene It'd be nice to hear some stories or explanations of why some people do these things and usually to people who don't deserve getting fucked when their intentions were good from the start.

MRS GGG (who shall remian anon becaue unlike some people I don't relish any kind of revenge, as it were, when I still believe SHE will regret doing this in years to come) knows of this page so I'll be interested if an explanation appears that sounds a little TOO personal. Maybe she can tell me in here 'cause Lord knows she couldn't tell me to my face or on the phone - ""WHY ??? ""

 

[Different Guy]

Some people can't help lying, it's a mental thing. My close friend has lied since we were 4 years old and has never changed. I don't think he can help it, he just makes things up.

I just ignore it but if it was relationship based I'd have to get away from it, it's only gonna cause trouble.

 

[Cathleen]

Sorry for your pain Mr.G. I know how hurtful lies can be and how difficult it is to overcome the pain, the damage to the relationship and shock to our ability to trust.

I too was in a long distance relationship. We met through Lit, struck up a friendship and it grew to what I think as being in love with him. I say 'think' because I don't know anymore. His lie took it all away. While we grew closer together, while I allowed him in deeper than any other man, while he portrayed himself as a single man looking for someone special and led me to believe he had found that in me. While he did and allowed all that, he was actually living with a woman and had become engaged to her. He even had the gall to have phone sex with me and a few hours later asked her to marry him. It was all a lie. He played a character.

I think back on it all and it amazes me that someone could deliberately and consciously lie like that -- it's stunning. I think of it and wonder how he felt every morning when he called, when we shared our love, pains and body. How was he able to put that lie aside every time we spoke and shared? My mind is stuck on the idea that with every time we communicated in any way he knew he was lying and I wonder how that's done.

It might appear on the surface that he 'got away' with it because she (the woman he was living with), married him (amazing too). I was not the only ''other woman'', he had others before and after me, maybe even during -- I don't know. I wanted him to hurt like he hurt me but that isn't in my control, isn't my style and mostly I won't put my own integrity in jeopardy to act out. Unless he works honestly and hard through his issues then his conscious and heart will give him more pain then I could cause.

It isn't easy to trust now, in fact it's damn near impossible, if not impossible.

 

[LadyJeanne]

"I love you" is the biggest lie out there, closely followed by the cheating lies: "no, we're just friends"; "you're my one and only"; "I have to work late"...

 

[gracie59]

It is the hardest thing to get over to relize someone dear could be so

THe feelings of the one that was lied to is incommunicable. The hurt, angry and comfusing of the why and how could this be.

 

[Cathleen]

"I love you" is the biggest lie out there, closely followed by the cheating lies: "no, we're just friends"; "you're my one and only"; "I have to work late"...

This makes me very sad, LadyJ. Probably because there is a place in me that believes it to be true. It feels like a fight inside to not believe it -- it's a boundary war.

 

[Cathleen]

It is the hardest thing to get over to relize someone dear could be so

THe feelings of the one that was lied to is incommunicable. The hurt, angry and comfusing of the why and how could this be.

Welcome to Lit. gracie.

"How could this be?" Excellent and powerful question.

 

[Exciteher]

MR GGG, hang in there, sounds like you are in a lot of pain.

My advise would be to keep a few things in mind. You need not "do" anything right now. Take time to process all this, and get grounded. Remember, this is about you only tangentially, it was her transgression. It is understandable to ask "why". And those answers will come but it will take some time. Now is the time for you to let go of this for the moment and take exquisite care of yourself. Time to "do" for yourself now and regain your resources. I know these lies might feel like a kick in the gut, but let the clarifying quality of time do its work. In some ways, the magnitude of your pain is a measure of the magnitude of your care, take heart that you have the capacity to feel that deeply. I know you probably want answers now, but allow time to act as the shock absorber that it is.

To answer your question about why people lie, I feel it is all about fear.

As for "how they could do it?", I think that people "compartmentalize".. they create separate worlds within themselves, and one of the things that keeps those worlds from colliding is the lies they tell everyone and especially the lies they themselves. You have to lie to yourself to lie to another. Also it seems that when people have to "hide" things, it is a sure sigh of a conflict within them. A sign they feel they are doing something that actually goes against their grain, or they know is "wrong", or are ashamed of, or feel they will be judged about. The lie is the marker they know all that deep down. Yet instead of making other choices, whatever people are hiding is so compelling to them that they lie anyway. So choice is another factor, I have noticed that people that lie feel they have few or no other choices, as errant as that perception always is actually.

Yes, there are some people that are so self-centered, so lacking in empathy and so split... that lying is a way of life. I feel sorry for them, their world is an unreal hell. One thing these kind of people have in common is that they are always very dissociated. Lying is a complex subject, there are books written about it, and it is one of the main themes in literature.

As for lies told to me, about 3 yrs into my marriage, my ex cheated on me.
She was a sweetheart, I loved her (still do) she was contentious, kind, caring, loving, unpretentious, beautiful, religious, it was so out of character. I was devastated. I felt betrayed. I simply could not understand. I wanted to know "why". I felt like I got hit by a truck, it gnawed at me, I never knew such emotional pain. I confronted her, she admitted it, she was shaken. I insisted we go to a marriage councilor ASAP. She consented to that. We agreed to separate, she moved in with her sister. She promised to call her affair off, and she did. Only three week later, I found out from her sister she was having another affair. With a different guy! I descended into an emotional plane I will never be able to describe, it was painful, the anger started to come up, it was like the first time I found out, but times 100. That is all I can say. Anyway, with the help of the councilor my ex and I overcame that, I learned how to trust her again, we both worked hard on our relationship those days after that crazy time, and were together for the next 7 years until we both decided to divorced, it was friendly. She had another affair actually.

She would "fall in love" and had the capacity (as I have found many people do) to be in love with more than one person at one time and to sexually desire them. But that felt so so wrong to her, she could never accept that about herself, an she could never be honest with me about that when that happened to her, and she projected her own self judgments on to me, and distrusted my strength to be able to handle it if she confided in me. That was her conflict, that was her "why". That she wanted sex with the others the she fell in love with was uncomfortable for me then, but that she lied about it, and simply could not stop the lying, or even admit that to herself... is what really hurt. That is what ended the marriage, and it ended with her not really understanding her own "why", and knowing the "why" made no difference in the betrayal I felt. I figured all that out only in retrospect.

You know, good people can make very big mistakes. At the time, often they do not know themselves "why". They will say, "I did not want to hurt you."..and there is truth in that, they know their lies and hiding would cause hurt. They will, as LadyJeanne pointed out, say all kinds of things. But I think the real answer "why"... is that they get lost in inner conflict and fear.

That all lead, by a circuitous route.. to me meeting my SO... A door closes, a door opens. When we first got "serious", she made it crystal clear she needed total honesty. She said was bi and had a few women lovers.. and a few male lovers too, she felt it natural to have sex with those she loved. And that if I had a problem with that, if I needed exclusivity, she could understand that but that was not the way she was. She gave me a choice, and that made all the difference in the world. She made sure to take my hand and quickly and gently lead me into her world of total honesty, love, eroticism and passionate intentional living. After what had happened in my marriage, this was so healing. Yeah, it was an anxious start for me at first... and there was one effect of my marriage she quickly picked up on and taught me to overcome... how to forgive and let go. I had in a way, and I think that is what actually lead me to my new SO... but I had forgiven imperfectly.. consciously yes, unconsciously no. Anyway, so began the most amazing , loving, freeing, and deep relationship I have ever had.

So perhaps the pain of lies is but a prelude to the next step.

As for lies I've told, this is the one I regret the most. One day my SO called me, she told me she had been to the doctor and that he said she was going to die. I told her, "No way... we'll get a second opinion, etc". I feel at the time that was an understandable reaction..but as time went by, I turned over every rock, called every doctor I knew (and I know a lot of them), studied everything I could. And after test after test, and surgery after surgery... I began to realize it was hopeless. She already knew that. But I kept telling her she was going to beat this, even though I knew better. It was a lie. Here she was, preparing for the second biggest event in her life, her death, and I was telling her she was going to live. I thought that if I could convince her of that, it she would live. That was the lie I told myself. The role denial plays in lying is powerful. And all these lies invalidated her, put distance between us when we needed each other the most. Finally, my charade could no longer support itself, I knew she could tell I knew the truth. And finally I had to admit that.. and tell her I knew she was dying.

That was so hard for me, devastating. But a peace came over us, we were back together again, we were both in tears, but they were good tears. She told me that she had been afraid that I would never be able to face the truth, that I never would be able to be "with" her again. She said she felt like I had abandoned her at the worst possible time, and that it felt to her I was selfishly betraying her, out of my own fear losing her, of being alone, of whatever. She told me that my lying to her had begun to destroy her trust in me, made her afraid, made her feel crazy and alone. She said needed me to be there, all of me, when "it" happened. She said that not being able to trust me to do that for her was worse to her than death.

I so regret that I had been that weak, that I gotten lost in my own fear and selfish needs, and that I lost sight of what she really needed from me... the truth. And my lie stole precious time. Oh... the irony of it all.

Can one who has had trust shattered, ever learn to trust again? I think it possible. Yes it is difficult, but it is possible.

MR GGG, Cathleen, ( C- I so empathized with what you said.. ) and everyone:
Caroline Myss, in her book (and the DVD) "Why People Don't Heal and How They Can" tells a story about the artist David Paladin, that contains the key to the answer to both the question of "How to get over a lie", and also "How to learn to trust again"...it has to do with forgiveness, I could expound on it , but I think it is an important enough thing that those interested should get her book or her DVD and go to the source. I saw the DVD and instantly recognized not only the truth in that story about David Paladin she told, but also what my SO had taught me. I will leave it at that. .

MR GGG, for now, consider making no decisions about anything for a few days. Get your bearings. A bit premature to contemplate jumping into the single's scene just yet. Even if you have decided to move on, that you are asking "why" is a sign that you are still captured by this and her. Think of it this way: Yeah, the plane is on fire, but so is your parachute...so you need to get the plane on the ground before thinking about anything else. Also, anger is normal, but that is really disappointment in disguise. Don't allow her lies to steal your power... or your compassion.

My best to you, fight for the positive choice.

 

[popcorn2721]

It is the hardest thing to get over to relize someone dear could be so

THe feelings of the one that was lied to is incommunicable. The hurt, angry and comfusing of the why and how could this be.

Ill never understand how easily it is for some people to tell a story and get away with it.
I feel guilty if I even remotely misinform someone..I don't tell lies. I've been lied to and cheated on and find my only consolation is that the negative karma generated by such misdeeds will somehow manifest itself to those people. I have tried and tried talking them out and making those people understand the damage that those lies have taken...
In the end, its nearly impossible for me to let go of the lies that have been told, once the distrust is there...I think the only way to overcome that, is to make sure that your word is GOLDEN... and never tell another lie, instead of making excuses and trying to adjust blame for ones own actions.
Funny thing is that these "liars" look at you like you've lost your fucken mind when you ask them questions and say you dont believe what they are saying and will hang on to that bullshit story too the end of time unless one provides proof that you have blown their lies to bits. In my mind, I think they have a general inability and desire to understand what other people feel when they disregard trust and the things they know are right and wrong, for lies.

 

[Noor]

Rambling

I don't know how you get over the lies, or at the very least the being completely let down by someone you care about and who presumably cared about you.

I have been trying to do so since this February when I no longer had any idea what to believe anymore. I knew about previous untruths, some I let ride because they were not that important and were done in a "white" fashion, others I confronted and was told they would not do it again. Some were lies they told themselves, but I always thought that on the important things with me they were truthful. For several years, I have been understanding and supportive of them, listened to the stories and welcomed them back.

I don't want to be part of a lie ever again. I trusted this person completely, I let them closer to me than almost anyone else, I had thought that we would be friends forever. I wish I could just be angry and dismiss them from my life, but I can't. I don't really don't understand why and how they could do this.

It is effecting my other relationships. I have a hard time trusting or believing in others. It feels like a betrayal, and I don't ever want to let some one that close to me again.

I asked a man I am quite fond of the other night "How do you trust again after betrayal??" and he answered "Trust? Qu'est-ce que c'est?" He told me he basically only trusts family. If I don't find some way of dealing with this, I think that is where I am going to continue to be, trusting no one but my family. Its sad because I was just getting to know someone I thought could be quite special.

I left lit in early June because I couldn't handle being here. There seems to be an acceptance among certain members of the lit community that it is okay to lie here, that one should expect it, that people are fools to believe anyone or anything they see written here. I can imagine that they are that way in real life too.

In the past, the person has watched me on lit, waiting for me to post the right opening and then use it. They don't however seem to research me much, or care, because if they did they would have known that back in February, while I could have used their support, I certainly was no a place where I could handle anymore stress or upsets. They didn't even asked how I was, no apology, no remorse, nothing that addressed their actions.

Maybe if I knew why and what the truth really was, I could somehow trust others again, but not knowing or understanding, I don't know what to look out for. I figure if this person, who I truly believe does care about me, could do this, then anyone can and I have had enough. It is the last straw for me.

I hope your friend is reading this Mr. GGG, so they can see what damage lies can do to people. Someone was trying to argue with me that you can only be damaged if you let yourself be, and I strongly disagree with that. If you care about someone, surrender your trust and faith to them, and they abuse that trust and faith, it is not something you do to yourself, but something they have done to you. In my case, I did not immediately open myself to them, it is something that happened over a long period of time and at their instigation. I believe if you are fortunate enough to have some one's complete faith and trust, then it is your duty to uphold it.

(snip-edit)

I guess in answer to your questions you get over the lies themselves by forgiving the person who lied to you. This is a lot easier to do if the person explains, apoligizes and asks forgiveness.
How you get beyond the feeling that anyone can be lying? I am not sure, I think with the help of the person who has lied you have a better chance. You can try to repress it but I am afraid it would resurface again like most repressed feelings do, usually in times of stress.
Maybe with someone new if they or you can break down the walls the lies caused to be built up, but I think it would take a very special person and a good period in the other areas of your life to do so.

Revenge and anger stuff like posting their nude pics on the internet somewhere, may sound like good possible ideas but I doubt they work for very long, and they make you just as bad as them.

 

[coolr]

i don't really have much to say, but i've come across a deep respect for youand your posts and wish you the best of luck for what yet becomes on your half

 

[Flyin_Free]

Sorry for your pain Mr.G. I know how hurtful lies can be and how difficult it is to overcome the pain, the damage to the relationship and shock to our ability to trust.

I too was in a long distance relationship. We met through Lit, struck up a friendship and it grew to what I think as being in love with him. I say 'think' because I don't know anymore. His lie took it all away. While we grew closer together, while I allowed him in deeper than any other man, while he portrayed himself as a single man looking for someone special and led me to believe he had found that in me. While he did and allowed all that, he was actually living with a woman and had become engaged to her. He even had the gall to have phone sex with me and a few hours later asked her to marry him. It was all a lie. He played a character.

I think back on it all and it amazes me that someone could deliberately and consciously lie like that -- it's stunning. I think of it and wonder how he felt every morning when he called, when we shared our love, pains and body. How was he able to put that lie aside every time we spoke and shared? My mind is stuck on the idea that with every time we communicated in any way he knew he was lying and I wonder how that's done.

It might appear on the surface that he 'got away' with it because she (the woman he was living with), married him (amazing too). I was not the only ''other woman'', he had others before and after me, maybe even during -- I don't know. I wanted him to hurt like he hurt me but that isn't in my control, isn't my style and mostly I won't put my own integrity in jeopardy to act out. Unless he works honestly and hard through his issues then his conscious and heart will give him more pain then I could cause.

It isn't easy to trust now, in fact it's damn near impossible, if not impossible.

Wow Cathleen, that's scary---and sad. That's not even just one lie, that's completely living a lie. I can imagine how hard it would be for you to trust somebody again--especially on the internet where you can't really be posative that what they're telling you is true.

 

[Flyin_Free]

I'm just extracting myself from a relationship where I knew she had veracity problems. I thought I could help her ... ground her so to speak. She chose the lies or at least the paranoia of not admitting that I KNEW she'd lied about some stuff and feared my reaction when it became obvious. The fact that it was a long distance relationship exacerbated the situation. It might have been salvageable IF I'd been able to join her sooner but that is a moot point at this time.

Question. What is the biggest LIE you've ever told? OR - What is the biggest lie somebody close has told you? Did you / they get caught? Did the relationship recover or were the trust issues insurmountable? Did you feel betrayed? Did they? What kind of reaction is "normal" with some people when they get caught? How did you or they justify the lie (s) in the first place? What was the motivation.

I'm not talking wee white lies like "Yes dear I think your new hair style looks GREAT (gag) ." That are meant to be kind. I mean whoppers where the person telling them KNOWS that either the lie or the discovery of the lie will HURT big time, probably kill the relationship and leave you bitter and confused. I'm just curious what some others have gone through. As I jump VERY reluctantly back into the "singles" scene It'd be nice to hear some stories or explanations of why some people do these things and usually to people who don't deserve getting fucked when their intentions were good from the start.

MRS GGG (who shall remian anon becaue unlike some people I don't relish any kind of revenge, as it were, when I still believe SHE will regret doing this in years to come) knows of this page so I'll be interested if an explanation appears that sounds a little TOO personal. Maybe she can tell me in here 'cause Lord knows she couldn't tell me to my face or on the phone - ""WHY ??? ""

Sorry Mr GGG! WHY--that's such a good question. Why do people feel the need to lie? I just don't get it.

My Ex lied about everything and I mean everything--things that wouldn't make any difference if he'd told the truth instead of a lie. I think he just liked to lie--or maybe he'd told so many lies that even HE didn't know what was truth and what was a lie anymore. I watched him lie to everybody else all the years we were together (sometimes even turning to me, as he was telling them the lie, and saying "Right?") Oddly enough it took me a lot of years to understand/accept that he lied to Me too. Now I look back and I wonder what about that relationship was actually even true.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Personally I think that the only way to move past this stuff is to focus on a single, indisputable truth: -

The lies that Mrs GGG told were because of her, not because of you.

You did not cause her to lie, therefore her lies should have no bearing whatsoever upon your actions within the relationship or upon your self esteem.

Similarly, they should have no bearing whatsoever on the woman you meet in the future and the way in which you conduct a relationship with her. Do not compound this tragedy by pinning your total loss of trust in Mrs GGG on the next, unsuspecting (and hopefully far more deserving) lady who walks into your life.

You did not shatter the trust between the two of you. Walk away with calmness, strength and pride, with your head high. Approach your next relationship in exactly the same way.

In the meantime, have a great big HUG <--(",)-->

Velvet

 

[MR.GGG]

Lies

Thanks all for your common sense and rational look on this problem and, typically in here, done with class and compassion. I really appreciate the kind thoughts.

There was a lot I knew about. Some really obvious stuff that simply COULD NOT BE. I suppose I'm partly to blame for not calling her on these points early on so that at least she wouldn't assume I was a complete moron for not knowing. Some of the other stuff built up over time and became excuses which again I thought I had dealt with during numerous discussions. So what I'm saying is that it didn't JUST happen. It just came to a head recently and the move to AZ was OFF for good but it has been building for a year or so. I always thought she'd get her act together, realize how I felt about HER, knew in her heart that it had NOTHINg to do with getting into the US (shit, I'm in Canada NOT Cameroon) and that she could sit down and talk things out with me. She chose not to. She chose to stick with her fantasies and lies and it is time I've lost - mostly.

Right now I have a little key to a house in Phoenix that I have had on my key chain for more than 2 years. I looked forward to using it and right now ALL it represents is those 2 +++ years wasted. I know there is nothing I can do about that time gone but if anything THAT is what I'm pissed off at. Her reservations came out of nowhere and like many of the lies, they were fabrications which took on a life of their own. She feared my reaction to finding out and it didn't matter how many times I told her, she refused to admit or acknowledge that so many things she had told me were not just lies but DUMB lies - lies I KNEW were lies as soon as she told them.

Admittedly I am guilty of that one no brainer though. "" I thought she'd change "" How many people have realized how dumb THAT philosophy is / was ??

I realize what many of you have said - that it is HER fault that she lied and my faith and trust can't be faulted but as you can see she was simply being herself. I, on the other hand, knew her faults (lies) and trusted her to change because of how I felt for her and that I knew she had this "problem."

It reminds me of the story of the scorpion and the turtle. I'm the turtle and I'm asking "WHY?" when all along, like the stupid turtle, I knew I was giving a ride to a scorpion. How dumb is that?

I still feel sorry for her though. I've had a number of people tell me that mid to late 40's is the worst for women and by the time she hits 50, she'll realize and deeply regret doing what she's done to me but mostly what she's done to herself. She could have had a loving and faithful MR.G at her side for many years to come (cum !!) and blew it on falsehoods and paranoia.

Still a pity.

 

[INeedLove]

WHAT A HEART-WRENCHING THREAD!!!!! I am overcome by the depth of sharing and insight offered here. I wish, for all of our sakes, that the pain could be waved away and for healing to be complete. But wishes ....

Ironically, I just blogged about lying yesterday on myspace.

Lying is one of the most awful things someone can do, in my opinion. I put omission into the lying category too. Lying errodes trust and undermines relationships. The only way to fix those things is for the other person to come clean and then show by future action/words that they are honest. Oh, and lots of talking!

I started to post my divorce story which is full of lies (mostly his and a couple of lies I did to myself) but didn't want to ramble. But suffice to say, he gave me the ultimate lie in my book. I have forgiven but not forgotten. I have little to do with him now.

I've decided if I enter into another committed relationship there are several things I will do differently. I am hopelessly optimistic about the future. I won't let him change that about me!!

Good luck to all of you too!!! Sending (((((((((hugs))))))))) to each.

 

[Flyin_Free]

"" I thought she'd change ""

Ahh, isn't that the one that we tell ourselves the most. At least I did. People would tell me that you couldn't change somebody else, only yourself. And I'd think I understood, but still I wanted so badly to change him. I thought if I loved him enough, if I cared enough....even dumb things like if we moved, if he got hired at the better job....if, if, if.....that he would change. He never did. You really can't change anybody.......

Sometimes it's hard to see all the lies when you're right in the middle of it, it's much easier to see after, when you step back and can allow yourself to take a good look at the whole picture. Don't beat yourself up over the lies your seeing now, but that you let pass when you heard them.

It's also easy for somebody else to say *get over it* or *it was her not you* but healing takes time and even though you might know in your mind that it was for the best (the end), hearts don't often listen to the mind. Eventually you'll feel better, but it Does take time.

 

[MR.GGG]

Lies

I lost wife #1 to a cerebral aneurysm several Eve several years ago and God has GOT to be awfully tired of this one little voice coming from below, asking, "WHY?" all the time.

Strangely I actually got an answer to that once. It came back as simply "Because." My retort was that is what a parent tells a kid when they know the kid is incapable of understanding the answer. The answer came back pretty much as "Uh Huh, you got it."

This situation (LIES) is just a whole different book of Whys and a whole different perspective to losing somebody you love. This time I'm wondering whether she was simply who she was and all the warnings that were handed to me were ignored because A) she needed the chance to improve her life (ie. STOP telling lies) or B) I needed to try and help her or and this is the most likely, C) I'm a moron and chose to ignore the many warnings because I really did love her and wanted to be with her ... thought "she would change" given the opportunity. Sort of a natural selection kind of test. If the bear is growling at you do you still walk up and offer it a peanut butter sandwich?

bla bla bla

Ya, ya, I know. "C", right? "C" !

 

[LoverBoy218]

I lied once

I once lied in a relationship over the web, with a wonderful woman. We were quite happy and had even had phone sex multiple times. But slowly I built up lies about what I spent my time doing, as I had rarely been at my house to even chat with her. The truth was I found another girl. The only reason I could not come to terms and tell her that although I liked her very much, I just wanted to be with this girl more. was very simply put fear. I didn't want to break her heart but naive me broke it more by making her wait and wait till she had had enough. I don't think many people lie to hurt, though some do, I think we do it out of fear of what might hurt the other one, although in most cases this is a bad idea and we should just be upfront with the person. I learned my lesson and now in my relationships break up if I want to, not hide away from the other one. For all you hurting, hope that when the other person finally stopped lying (or you caught them) that they probably felt hurt and learned not to repeat it again. Remember that and it might feel better.

 

[Noor]

A friend's father once told me the reasons why these times of things happen to me was because I was open, caring and gave everyone a chance. It was what he liked about me and hoped I would never change. This man died more than 3 years ago, but lately, esp in these past couple years, I have thought about what he said and how he would look at the current happenings in my life.

A couple years ago I read some new age book, the 4 somethings. One of its begin things was that most people do things out of fear and that its usually not personal. I was having a hard time with someone in my life at that time, and I remember asking "what are you afraid of?" and when they finally told me it turned out to be something we could deal with it, so we did.

 

[Flyin_Free]

A couple years ago I read some new age book, the 4 somethings. One of its begin things was that most people do things out of fear and that its usually not personal. I was having a hard time with someone in my life at that time, and I remember asking "what are you afraid of?" and when they finally told me it turned out to be something we could deal with it, so we did.

Hmm, interesting. I think that could be true a lot of the time.

 

[Noor]

I think the worse liars are those who just do it to get what they want, like sex and attention.

I hope Mr GGG you have healed some since you first posted this, not sure I have.
Unfortunately I just found out the other day that a person I have trusted for over a year has been lying to me, and blantantly so, my faith in other people is not getting any better and I am not the only person who they are doing this too. They don't care about anyone but themselves.

 

[Cathleen]

I think the worse liars are those who just do it to get what they want, like sex and attention.

I hope Mr GGG you have healed some since you first posted this, not sure I have.
Unfortunately I just found out the other day that a person I have trusted for over a year has been lying to me, and blantantly so, my faith in other people is not getting any better and I am not the only person who they are doing this too. They don't care about anyone but themselves.

I'm sorry Noor.

It's like they turn off their conscious. I know there must be a reason, some kind of payoff fo them, something that fills their fears, doubts and insecurities. They chose a behavior that only causes more pain to themselves and obviously to others. We all have fears, self-doubt, etc.,that we have to accept as part of being human, it is in the way we deal with those things that build our character. Lying can never add to our character.

 

[emptynester]

my faith in other people is not getting any better and I am not the only person who they are doing this too. They don't care about anyone but themselves.

Noor - what you said is so true. Generally speaking, people who live by telling lies are very selfish people. Think about your relationship with this person overall. Did he put your feelings ahead of his own? Did he seem to care about what made you happy?

You said it yourself, he was lying to others too. Seems he really only cares about himself and what is in it for him.

Don't let someone else's shortcomings dictate how you live your life. When you start to fear trusting others, you pull into your shell. You start to withdraw from people and avoid getting to know someone out of fear of being hurt again.

Life is to short to live it like that. Move on. Don't let him rob you of your time. Learn from this and go into the next relationship a little wiser.

It has been since July 2006 and you are still hurting so over this. You are letting his lies and actions keep you from healing. He is the one with the problem not you. Let it go and him too. Distance yourself from him if you haven't already.

There are people in this world who are honest and care about others. I am amazed everytime I log into LIT at the caring comments in several of the posts where people have started a thread needing help/advice or thoughts and prayers. My thoughts and prayers for you will be that you can find a peace from all of this and a comfort in knowing that you have friends here that care.

 

[Cathleen]

Noor - what you said is so true. Generally speaking, people who live by telling lies are very selfish people. Think about your relationship with this person overall. Did he put your feelings ahead of his own? Did he seem to care about what made you happy?

You said it yourself, he was lying to others too. Seems he really only cares about himself and what is in it for him.

Don't let someone else's shortcomings dictate how you live your life. When you start to fear trusting others, you pull into your shell. You start to withdraw from people and avoid getting to know someone out of fear of being hurt again.

Life is to short to live it like that. Move on. Don't let him rob you of your time. Learn from this and go into the next relationship a little wiser.

It has been since July 2006 and you are still hurting so over this. You are letting his lies and actions keep you from healing. He is the one with the problem not you. Let it go and him too. Distance yourself from him if you haven't already.

There are people in this world who are honest and care about others. I am amazed everytime I log into LIT at the caring comments in several of the posts where people have started a thread needing help/advice or thoughts and prayers. My thoughts and prayers for you will be that you can find a peace from all of this and a comfort in knowing that you have friends here that care.

You are one of those people emptynester. You are kind and share good thoughts to everyone.