How to handle nasty complaints

[oggbashan]

Personal Contacts in local government

I can do it but rarely do...

I get on the phone to the head of the appropriate department and explain the problem.

I get a telephoned response within the hour.

How come?

Because IF I don't, I will write a letter to the Chief Executive, copied to the local leaders of the three political parties and to the two local newspapers and the two radio stations - and it will be front page in the newspapers, there will be competing phone ins on the local radio stations and the shit will hit the fan...

I only telephone when I am absolutely sure of the facts, have evidence, preferably in writing, and I know that the local authority has made a serious error. In 25 years they have failed to respond to the phone call 3 times.

It's not just that I'm infamous or notorious - it's because when I do call I have a really serious issue that they need to sort out - and they know I'll push the media to the limit if I don't get an answer.

An example: A junior officer proposed to change the car parking rules to ban light trucks from car parks. She didn't ask anyone's advice and drafted the rules on weight. If I hadn't objected, any large car including the Mayor's limousine, most cars adapted to carry wheelchairs and most medium sized saloons could not have parked legally in any Car Park in the whole District. They didn't listen to me. The media had fun - TV crews doing vox-pops 'Do you know you won't be able to park here next week?'; newspapers printing lists of all the politicians who would lose their free parking, interviews with ambulance crews who couldn't park their ambulances even in an emergency...

I don't call often. When I do - I mean it.

Og

 

[Alex756]

Anyone have a suggestion for when a company already has it's officials in the slammer? Is almost through a bankruptcy where 2 compeititors bought them? And the tech are praying for when their paychecks stop saying adelphia?

Don't get me started on how I hate my cable company. I need 2 trees removed to get dish though, its almost to the point of paying 2 grand. Almost.... Oh please comcast take over a little faster? Banish the evil denizens of Adelphia to the hell they deserve!

~Alex

 

[chris 44]

Douglas Adams, the third book in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series.

And I like your madness as well.

Congratulations Lilredjammies, the nice people at the hospital call it insanity and keep giving me pills, but I'm glad to say that they don't seem to be working

I was actually working on a novel along the theme of madness (no, don't look so surprised, it's true). I got way past the 20k word mark when the Americans brought out that awful film version of Hitch Hikers and I decided to write a romance instead.
So what can I send as your prize, how about the attached? Unfortunately it's a brief synopsis of the above story. The nice people at the hospital say it's just a matter of time, but when I ask them what, they just smile.

Congrats again,
Chris

 

[wishfulthinking]

This is the standard by which all complaint letters should me matched:

Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John

 

[neonlyte]

I have great admiration for NTL, we had cable TV and broadband for 27 months before they finally got around to charging us for it, this was despite several reminders and one change of bank account. They only finally twigged when our modem went down, their engineers cannot book a call out charge unless you have a customer number, we didn't They waived the back charges.