How to make a casual same sex encounter happen- for the Very shy, like me

[SweetErika]

Maybe I missed it but another concern I didn't see mentioned is STD's. Even if you aren't in a monogamous relationship your sex partners have a right to know what else you are doing. Even though I have never actually heard of it myself I'm quite sure that a woman can pass on an STD to another woman.

Sexually Transmitted Infections are absolutely a serious risk in Female-Female interactions, particularly because many women discount the risk and don't practice safer sex during oral, genital-to-genital contact and toy sharing.

Careful when making assumptions... The OP's question was how to do it, (this is, after all, the How To forum...) not what the risks were. She also never said her BF wasn't aware of her plan, just that she wasn't looking to include him or any other man in the fun.

I respect your morals, and happen to agree, just not your judgments and assumptions.

*Hijack over*

We often talk about the risks and give information related to a given activity; if the OP has already considered such information or whatever, s/he is certainly free to disregard it.

And to be completely fair, if you want to live by your own rules, you should really be contributing information on how a shy woman could make a casual same-sex encounter happen, rather than criticizing others' posts, no?

 

[boredVAwife]

I think the OP snuck out the back door of this thread. I have too much experience / advice on this subject unfortunately but not sure if she will post back here after getting bitch slapped all around her own thread.

 

[SweetErika]

I think the OP snuck out the back door of this thread. I have too much experience / advice on this subject unfortunately but not sure if she will post back here after getting bitch slapped all around her own thread.

If you're right, that's her loss because there's plenty of good advice in this thread so far and hopefully she'd view the discussion on communicating and cheating as food for thought. I honestly don't see how 'consider XYZ before you proceed' equates to the OP being bitch-slapped, but to each their own.

If you have experiences and advice on this topic, I'd strongly encourage you to share them because there are many people in similar situations who lurk or just don't post often and could benefit from your knowledge.

 

[boredVAwife]

What I meant was she was sort of jumped on by the moral majority. Few will disagree about the problems that straying causes and I would be the poster girl for effing up her marriage because of that but to do it in public and not a private pm sort of lacks a bit of class in my opinion. She didn't give anywhere near enough details to warrant the conclusions some jumped to. My own personal experience is a marriage that went south because of my actions but I will not attack someone else for those actions. Give advice if asked yes but attack no.

 

[subwannabe]

The thing is this is a public forum and she made a post on it wanting responses. She didn't clarify what kind of responses. If she only wanted specific feedback she should have said so or asked that negative or preachy posts be done by PM's only. A lot of us posters are not only giving advice to the OP but to others with similar thoughts who opted not to post. Thats what public forums are all about. I fully support responders who want to run the whole gambit of possibilities to give the OP as much information as possible. Sometimes my thoughts have already been posted by someone previously and I may offer some other alternative post that maybe I don't even agree with just to try and give all sides of an arguement. I always have to shake my head when someone comes here expecting us to give them an unconditional green light for doing something and then get mad when they don't get it. To make an informed decision the person needs to hear several thoughts and possibilities. It is very possible someone here brought up something the OP had not considered.

 

[infinity706]

But it does take effort. Imagine a guy just wants recreational sex with a stranger, or friends with benefits. It's doable, but takes work. It's more than just going going up to someone and saying how about a fuck.

Just for the record, "Hey, wanna fuck?" can actually work and is actually standard procedure in certain hookup spots. It really depends on what your standards are. It's hardest for men searching for women, though.

As for the OP trying to find a woman to fool around with, it would proably be far easier for her to go solo, whether or not her boyfriend knows. It's not really that hard to get a FFM threesome, but you'll be mostly limited to really slutty women or prostitutes. (I personally like the slutty chick option, though)

From what I've been told, if an ad gets posted, it would also be a good idea to ask for bi or bi curious women. There are some lesbians that are fine with bisexual women, but the majority only want other lesbians.

 

[jennifer036]

Just for the record, "Hey, wanna fuck?" can actually work and is actually standard procedure in certain hookup spots. It really depends on what your standards are. It's hardest for men searching for women, though.

As for the OP trying to find a woman to fool around with, it would proably be far easier for her to go solo, whether or not her boyfriend knows. It's not really that hard to get a FFM threesome, but you'll be mostly limited to really slutty women or prostitutes. (I personally like the slutty chick option, though)

From what I've been told, if an ad gets posted, it would also be a good idea to ask for bi or bi curious women. There are some lesbians that are fine with bisexual women, but the majority only want other lesbians.

Interesting. I have a different take, but interesting.

I just want to take issue with threesomes mostly limited to slutty women. Not at all. I've been in threesomes with good friends.

 

[HeyItsDani]

I just want to take issue with threesomes mostly limited to slutty women. Not at all. I've been in threesomes with good friends.

Agreed. What an ignorant thing to say.

 

[jennifer036]

Agreed. What an ignorant thing to say.

Right. Once a good friend asked if I would do a favor, it was a birthday present for her boyfriend. It was awesome. He didn't know in advance even though she had sort of casually tested the waters a bit before. We both started kissing him on either side, and let's just say the rest is history.

 

[want24nik8]

Right. Once a good friend asked if I would do a favor, it was a birthday present for her boyfriend. It was awesome. He didn't know in advance even though she had sort of casually tested the waters a bit before. We both started kissing him on either side, and let's just say the rest is history.

I'd love to hear the rest of that story sometime...

 

[infinity706]

Interesting. I have a different take, but interesting.

I just want to take issue with threesomes mostly limited to slutty women. Not at all. I've been in threesomes with good friends.

I didn't say every woman that would join a couple for a threesome is slutty. It's just that the few that aren't slutty or prostitutes are the exception to the rule. Besides, it's not like being slutty is a bad thing as long as you can handle it responsibly. I've certainly had my fair share of sex with people that I don't know their names.

 

[Tmmldr]

What I meant was she was sort of jumped on by the moral majority.....

And the people here should know best of all that any one who is at one moment, a righteous member of the moral majority is at another a complete cum covered slut.

 

[boredVAwife]

I am by no means a card carrying member of the former club but feel free to sign me up for the latter. And my best and last advice for the OP: Honey do what feels right in your heart. Live by the golden rule in everything you do and you cannot go wrong. Then again there is always the biker creed: Do unto others - then split.

 

[Tmmldr]

A special membership card for you, for the select few whose threesomes are on bikes.

 

[beautiful_Ds]

This statement seems kind of off-putting. Is your boyfriend aware of and okay with this? (Granted, he doesn't have any right to stop you, but he does have the right to get angry if he finds out that you kept the encounter a secret from him.)

Anyways, getting past that . . .

If this study is accurate, and assuming you're not an attractive celebrity, your best bet is to attempt to seduce someone who's already your friend and already trusts you.

I know, it's just that I keep getting PMs from men, and the only man I want is my guy. He does know about my lesbian fantasies, I haven't told him I'm so breast obsessed or that I want to try some things for real.

 

[beautiful_Ds]

Over the years I've had several "Friends With Benefits" type relationships while I was married. My prime criteria for these relationships was that my counterpart also be married and looking for an uncomplicated friendship plus physical situation. I also did not want to go to bars or hit on strangers for fear of STD's. I did not want to be involved with people in my everyday life, i.e. friends, neighbors, co-workers, relatives, etc. I figured the fewer connections to my "real life" the better. I certainly didn't want to reveal my intent with someone I worked with every day or someone in my regular circle of friends who could be very put off by such an approach. In short, I wanted a sincere, frustrated, emotionally stable female version of me who was also in a reasonably good marriange that she was not ready to flush down the toilet.

Years ago, I opted for the personals in a partcular legitimate magazine in my area. Most of the ads were for "SWF" or "SWM" or the like, but I also noticed that there were some from "MWM" and "MWF" and certainly implied that they were by/for married folks. I gave it a shot. I placed an ad for a "MWF" looking for the type of uncomplicated part-time relationship I desired. Surprisingly to me (at the time) I got a fair number of responses. A few were obvious kooks or swingers or the like, but most sounded sincere. SOme seemed too difficult from the standpoint of geography or sechedule. It took several ads and a few awkward lunches with women that were either unattracted to me or vice versa. However, after a couple of months I connected with someone with whom I had a relationship lasting almost several years. We remained platonic E-mail" friends for years after she decided that things were too risky and wanted to end it. We had nearly been spotted at a restaurant by several people couples from her church who also decided that to have lunch there that day. The potental of being discovered trully freightened her. A job promotion for her husband also eventually took her out of the area. After that ended, I tried again and was eventually rewarded with another multi-year relationship. Again, we remained "e-mail" friends after we eventually quit our physical relationship.

The magazine eventually stopped accepting such ads, but I found that some internet chat areas in AOL or Yahoo or other legitimate websites also afforded a way to connect. It is IMPERATIVE that you be EXTREMELY CAREFUL if you decide to take such a route because there are a lot of phoney ripoff type "personal" pages online. I'd avoid them. There are also a lot of weirdos running around loose. A non traceable rented mailbox and/or throw-away cell phone with pre-paid calling card are wise approaches until you really have the opportunity to get to know if your potential partner is sincere. This all may sound a little James Bondish, but I believe that it can be a potential option if you are indeed just looking for a relatively uncomplicated, no-strings situation, but also aren't looking for a quick wham-bam one night stand. I was never the "wham-bam" type so for me, the latter approach was never acceptable.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

Thanks for the advice about staying safe. I so do not want to end up tied up in someone's basement.

 

[beautiful_Ds]

And the people here should know best of all that any one who is at one moment, a righteous member of the moral majority is at another a complete cum covered slut.

Consider this awesome quote stolen!

 

[beautiful_Ds]

Thanks everyone for your responses! I had to laugh about some of the comments. Actually up until recently I was a member of a "high control religious group," which is a nice way of saying cult, and some things that were said made me have flashbacks, which is ironic.

 

[shybiguy71]

Same but different

I wish i knew how to make this happen with a male friend too

 

[SweetErika]

I know, it's just that I keep getting PMs from men, and the only man I want is my guy. He does know about my lesbian fantasies, I haven't told him I'm so breast obsessed or that I want to try some things for real.

If you have a name that sounds remotely female, you show your online status, post in AmPics and/or Personals, post female pics or make posts that the Horny Toads like for whatever reason (like they're totally thinking, 'let's see if I can convince this young, shy, bi-curious newbie to let me get into her e-panties' ), you're WILL get unsolicited PMs from guys. You'll probably get FAR fewer by making sure your status is Invisible (in your User CP; I'd say I get 75% fewer slimy PMs since I did this! ) and putting something in your profile and signature that says you neither welcome nor respond to lewd messages or requests for "chat," pics, any type of sex, etc. Then it's their fault if they waste their time PMing you.

Having been where you are now, my suggestion is to be completely open and honest with your guy unless this is something you're 100% great with not exploring now and you're absolutely positive you'll never feel compelled to explore it in the future. If it's a dealbreaker (something you'd feel you'd miss doing terribly--even many years down the road--or cheat over under the right circumstances), then talking to him now will only benefit both of you later on. And since he already knows the fantasies part of it (and hasn't reacted poorly, it seems), he'll probably appreciate your honestly and be willing to work something out with you that meets both of your needs.

I think that's pretty much what people here are telling you - if this is something you may need to explore now or later in your life, you really don't want to get deeper into your current relationship with this monkey on your back because it's going to make you both miserable at some point. That's not a judgment, it's just reality that secrets such as this drive wedges between even the best couples, and the vast majority of people deserve happiness and partners who are great matches.

As for the sucking it up and actually telling him part, it might help to write it down and read your thoughts to him (or have him read them with you right there), or talk about it in the "safety" of a dark(ened) room, or when you two are cuddling in the spooning position. IIRC, I thought about it for a long time and then finally blurted it out when my then-fiancee asked what I was doing on the computer, but I've used several of those other techniques to talk about difficult subjects.

 

[roomfor1more]

You are dating and not married, so I am not going to even going to discuss if this is cheating. In my opinion you are still free to decide if you want to commit to your boyfriend and let him know about your search for a female.

Probably the best place would be to try a lesbian bar and if you wanting to avoid the bar scene then online is probably your best choice. Best thing is to get a free email account from one of the many providers. Also buy a disposable mobile phone or a pay-as-you-go phone for this type of purpose. There are several sites where you can chat and meet someone for free. However, you will need to consider your safety, plan for your safety, and have your first meeting in public. In my opinion, this may take some time but if you are diligent in your search, I believe, it will be fruitful for you.

 

[NikkiBastion]

I agree that you shouldn't cheat, but I'm also realistic about our sexual behaviors, and frankly, some people would rather blow someone's brains out than cop to an affair due to their misguided ideas that telling them the truth would 'hurt' them.

But for the How To - her best bet, if she's determined to do it at all - is to tell her bf this is what she wants to do, let him react and then make sure he knows he's not invited (and let him react to that, too). I could see him playing the "cheating" card for no other reason than he's mad he doesn't get any girl on girl action

If he throws a huge fit, she should evaluate the strength of their tie.

If not, she could probably approach some of her close girlfriends and ask around.

 

[beautiful_Ds]

Well, me and the BF may be breaking up, it has nothing to do with my desires. And I just found out that a new girlfriend is bi.