How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

I've often been asked, "What do you do now that you're retired?"

I say, "Well, I don't have much of a chemical background but
I spend a lot of time recycling oxygen into carbon dioxide,
but the one I enjoy the most is turning beer into urine!"

 

[wally2450]

To the couple fucking on the third floor apt across the street from
my office:


We at X Associates would like to thank you for your weekly Friday
show. every Friday at 4 we can count on you to get it on and on and
on.

I must admit my surprise in a city full of skyscrapers that someone
in a third floor apt in midtown doesn't see the need for window
coverings of any sort especially when there is a 17 floor office
building across the street.

I only can assume you are feeling the need to keep up with the porn
shop that opened up on the first floor of your building. though I
question your intelligence I applaud your lusty lifestyle.

Last weeks super freaky positions sex was great fun. all the
engineers here are still trying to work out the logistics on a
couple of those positions, and we are fairly sure that one of them
is physically impossible due to the stresses it would put on the
female body.

This weeks theme seems to be speed fucking from behind...and was
that a third person in the room we saw, we aren't sure but oh what
randy fun. and once again we are amused, and titillated.

You have no idea what a welcome break you bring when the call comes
from that side of our office that the fuckers are at it again.

The cubicles clear out and you have 20 some odd men, and one woman
(me) pressed against the windows.

As much as we enjoy the current show we do have some ideas that
could really bring it to the next level of enjoyment for your
adoring viewers.

1. Invest in some kind of glare free glass for the window. the glare
gets nasty on overcast days like today and we could barely make out
who was slapping who on the ass.

2. Move a bit closer to the window...not too close, just say a foot.
this give us the viewer the premium viewing situation.

3. Man...get rid of the chubby girl, from certain angles well she is
just too much woman for us.

4. Sex against the window, just think about the fun that would be
had for all, you then could see us we could see you, it would be a
wonderous intimate act for the 25 of us.

5. Maybe add one more show a week, I know last week you did a bonus
wednesday show and it went over great, it really warmed us up for
friday.

I would really like once again to thank you on behalf of us all here
at X Associates. you make what is the best day of the work week here
even better, because nothing can beat seeing two young people as
yourself fuck like monkeys right before we leave this hellhole for
the weekend.

 

[wally2450]

For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with
ignition trouble.

 

[wally2450]

The aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up
to
the pier at homeport when the Captain of the ship noticed a sailor
on
the flight deck gesturing wildly with semaphore flags. He then
noticed an attractive young woman standing on top of a station
wagon,
also waving semaphore flags. Always concerned about security and
never having seen something like this, the Captain barked at his
Bridge Signalman, "What message are those two people sending?" The
Signalman concentrated intently and soon reported, "Sir, he is
sending FOXTROT-FOXTROT and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT." Not having

any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain
dispatched
an armed Marine to escort the sailor back to the Bridge. The sailor
arrived, out of breath from running up the many ladders to the
bridge, and saluted smartly. "Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered,
sir!" "

Seaman", shouted the Captain, "Who is that woman on the pier and why

are you exchanging signals FF and EF?"

"Sir, that's my wife, Sir, and she wants to eat first!"

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

The aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up
to
the pier at homeport when the Captain of the ship noticed a sailor
on
the flight deck gesturing wildly with semaphore flags. He then
noticed an attractive young woman standing on top of a station
wagon,
also waving semaphore flags. Always concerned about security and
never having seen something like this, the Captain barked at his
Bridge Signalman, "What message are those two people sending?" The
Signalman concentrated intently and soon reported, "Sir, he is
sending FOXTROT-FOXTROT and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT." Not having

any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain
dispatched
an armed Marine to escort the sailor back to the Bridge. The sailor
arrived, out of breath from running up the many ladders to the
bridge, and saluted smartly. "Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered,
sir!" "

Seaman", shouted the Captain, "Who is that woman on the pier and why

are you exchanging signals FF and EF?"

"Sir, that's my wife, Sir, and she wants to eat first!"

did you leave something out on this one? i dont get it lol sorry

 

[Weird Harold]

did you leave something out on this one? i dont get it lol sorry

Signal EF== Eat First. Signal FF== ? First

It's related to the old joke about what the first thing GIs returning from Vietnam would do:

The first thing I'm going to do is kiss my wife/GF right on the lips. Then I'm going to get up and kiss her on the mouth.

 

[smoothdevil]

GIVING UP WINE

I was walking down the street when I was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless
woman who asked me for a couple of dollar s for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,
'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it
instead of dinner?'

'No I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless
woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?'
I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?'
I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. '
I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I
probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping,
hair appointments, and wine.'

 

[smoothdevil]

For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with
ignition trouble.

great great .... LMAOF

 

[wally2450]

A couple are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. They're
talking about old times and whether they've any regrets.

"Well," says the man, "There is one thing I wish we could have done
together."

"What's that?" asked the wife.

"Well, I've always wanted to have sex doggy fashion."

"Do you really want to do that?"

"Yes," says the husband "Do you think we could?"

"Well," says the wife, "I suppose we could, but on two conditions."

"Yes my dear, of course, what are they?"

"Well, the first is that we do it in the dark, and the second is
that
we do it on a street where we don't know anyone!!"

 

[wally2450]

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year
old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the Three Little Pigs story to her class. She
came to the part where the first pig was trying to gather building
materials for his home. She read, "So, the first pig went up to the
man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but
may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think the
man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, "I
think the man would have said, 'Well, fuck me, a talking pig!'

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

 

[wally2450]

Mr. Cleaver told his wife, "I think we need to find a new
baby-sitter for little Wally. This Judi is just too worldly-wise for
a teenager."

"But Wally said she told him some sort of interesting story about
animals last night," Mrs. Cleaver replied..

"Uh huh. And when I asked little Wally about it, he said it was
about a wolf who was trapped into giving a mink to a fox with a
beaver."

 

[wally2450]

A guy comes home after losing a lot of money, playing golf. A few
minutes later his wife comes home from work with a new fur coat. Her
husbands says "Hey how did you get this?" She says that her boss won
the lotto and this is her share. This happens a few times, first the
coat and then a car and then jewelry etc. One night the wife gets
home really tired out and asks her husband to run her bath, which he
then does. But only fills it up an inch. She gets in and says to him
"Why did you put in so little water?" "Well, we dont want your lotto
ticket getting wet, now do we?!!!!"

 

[NocturnalFables]

Man can't sleep at night. He looks over at his wife sleeping next to him and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. He gets a bottle of aspirin out of the medicine cabinet and returns to bed.

He wakes his wife up and hands her the bottle. "What's this?" she says sleepily.

"Aspirin" he says confidently.

"But I don't have a headache" the wife says confused.

"Good" says the husband. "Lets have sex!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My absolute favorite joke for the last few years which was told by comedian Ron White (of Blue Collar Comedy Tour fame).

The De Beers diamond company is getting close to saying what they really mean. Their slogan used to be "Diamonds are Forever" but then they changed it to "Diamonds... Take her breath away!" Now it is "Diamonds... Render her speechless!"

Why don't they just come out and say it? "Diamonds... That will shut her up!"

 

[wally2450]

Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield Because he said . ..

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me
to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet
she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I
went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are
you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate
myself now.' I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a
two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the
bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex
offenders. My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in
the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for
mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked
him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' My wife's such a
bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling..

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from
Chicago last night.

MY FAVORITE: My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy,
I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

 

[wally2450]

Chivalry has changed from the days of Sir Walter Raleigh, but
contrary
to rumor, it hasn't died out altogether: A man will still lay his
coat
at the feet of a pretty girl; the difference is that nowadays it's
intended to keep her back from getting dirty.

 

[wally2450]

The naive miss was seated in her doctor's office.
"Our tests indicate that you are pregnant," said the M.D., "and
there is
every indication that you are going to have twins." "But how can
that
be, doctor?" the girl protested. "I've never been out on a
double-date
in my life."

 

[wally2450]

Good Ol' Days Grandpa was always going on about the good old days and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, six oranges, two loaves of bread, a magazine and some new blue jeans all for a dollar!" Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't do that anymore. They got those video cameras everywhere you look."

 

[smoothdevil]

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

All answers were given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions :

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


What's the difference between moms & dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect? (I really like this one)

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet, you know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd GET rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of
her head.

 

[smoothdevil]

You will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'

 

[wally2450]

Long ago... Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot...

Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot.There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me, For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn. We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn. We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since. We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me Me. Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney. And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to seeA boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me Me. We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,And when they made a movie, they never made it twice. We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me Me. Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp. We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T ,And Oprah couldn't talk, yet, in the Land That Made Me Me. We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe. For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me Me. We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson, and Zeppelins were not Led. And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,Madonna was a virgin in the Land That Made Me Me. We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,And babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars. And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,And dorms were never coed in the Land That Made Me Me. We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag. And Hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me Me. Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks. And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me Me. We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill StreetBlues,We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal teaOr prime-time ads for condoms in the Land That Made Me Me. There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,And fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill. And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me Me. But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A. They send us invitations to join AARP,We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me Me. So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines. And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me Me. And thanks for the memories...

 

[smoothdevil]

So simple yet so profound.

Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson:

'I have outlived my dick.'

 

[smoothdevil]

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She
was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny,
and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her, so we put her in a carrier and took her to
the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat."

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would
let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash
her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that
wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my
husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,
with my husband getting in the last word on this particular
occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to
see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had
obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your
wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and
now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.
God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.

Now, THAT, my friends, is getting even!

 

[bailadora]

*snip*

Now, THAT, my friends, is getting even!

That's funny!

 

[wally2450]

Jill and John were driving down the road and John swerved slightly
to
go past a pretty blonde jogging.

Jill said, "Did you see her?"

"Well, yeah." said John.

"That really gets me. I've never understood that about women. She
was
wearing a necklace, two bracelets, hoop earrings, her nails were
freshly polished with Salerno Mavala nail polish, she'd recently
spritzed Chanel behind her ears, and she was wearing Yves Saint
Laurent lip gloss!" Jill said.

"You noticed all that?" asked John.

"Yes I did. You didn't?" replied Jill.

John said, "Not exactly. All I noticed was that she had legs all the

way up to her very well rounded cute little butt."

 

[smoothdevil]

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island..

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again...

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, “Yeah, would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”