How to not feel rejected

[lovingHusbandx]

Hello How-to readers. I'm a married man in my early thirties and i love my wife more than anything. Unfortunately, our sex drives are off by an order of magnitude. Where i'd feel extremely satisfied having sex two or three times a week, my wife is happy to have it once every two or three weeks. I'll try to make advances towards here every few nights and they are almost always rejected. We have set aside some time every week for love-making, but even that is not inviolate. Every time she rebuffs my advance (especially during the time we've set aside) i feel very sad and rejected. Has anyone here experienced this? Do you have any methods that you used to not feel rejected?

Thanks,
lovingHusband

 

[lushlucid]

one thing that i think turns my man off is when i push for sex too much, it becomes predictable and routine, not romanitc or sensual or even fun, and altho im the one pestering, i often feel a bit meh afterwards.
Think about that the next time you give her a nudge.

 

[lovingHusbandx]

one thing that i think turns my man off is when i push for sex too much

Hi lushlucid, thanks for your response. I've tried both nudging more and nudging less. Either way, i still feel the same even if i don't nudge, but our "set aside" time slips away without any intimacy.

 

[Bandit58]

Hi lushlucid, thanks for your response. I've tried both nudging more and nudging less. Either way, i still feel the same even if i don't nudge, but our "set aside" time slips away without any intimacy.

Intimacy is much more than just sex. A kiss, a cuddle, a joke, a smile....is there emotional intimacy in your relationship as well as the physical? I know I am much more ready to have sex with someone who will kiss and cuddle without expecting to have sex every time he does so.

 

[lushlucid]

agreed, i don't like that the word intimacy is often used instead of sex. Intimacy is much more

 

[lovingHusbandx]

is there emotional intimacy in your relationship as well as the physical?

Hi Bandit58, thank you for your reply, too! There actually is a lot of that type of intimacy in our relationship. I'm very cuddly by nature, and we do hug and kiss (and smile and laugh) a lot. I'm certainly happy with the amount of emotional intimacy that we share, and i think that my wife is, too. I will say, that during these times when i feel rejected, a little cuddling would definitely make me feel better and i should probably be better about communicating that to my lovely wife.

 

[pandoravampire]

in both of my long term relationships, we went through phases of tearing each others clothes off at the door, to preferring 1-2 a month. For us, as with you, it could be a miriad of things that cause and redress this. But when you in a less sexually compatable phase, i found that after i had gotten over my initial response of feeling GUTTED!
I would seek intimacy in other ways instead. So, like having a nice long soak in the tub together with a bottle of wine. Massage that didnt lead to anything, ever, i kept it sacrosanct. So that he'd never have to refuse. I had to be allowed 'near' him, even if he couldnt have sex with me. For me, i missed the intamacy of sex, not necessarily the sex.
In another period, my libido went awol, i felt hunted by his cock. Dreadful. I simply did not want sex. After having kids, you go off it for a while lol.
Again, anything that he did for me, tenderness that wasnt including a grope, was great. Just wanted to avoid those 'not tonight josephine' moments.

As it is hard to be the person being rejected, i have also known the difficulty of its polarity, in being the one that rejects. You dont want to hurt that person, you just cant be bothered to have sex. But you cant say no without upsetting them, causing rejection. A double bind for all. Remember, its not you being rejected, its the offer of sex.

my best wishes to you and yours. Im sure it will pass.

 

[Eilan]

As a formerly disinterested spouse, I'd suggest thinking about other aspects of your relationship. My experience has been that nonsexual problems/resentments often manifest themselves inside the bedroom. Other people's mileage may vary, of course.

And communicate, obviously.

BTW, do you have children?

 

[DrHappy]

Take a look at this board for mismatched libidos.

Have you tried sexual intimacy where either she masturbates you? Or maybe where you masturbate while she holds you or caresses you?

 

[SilentMale]

As a formerly disinterested spouse, I'd suggest thinking about other aspects of your relationship. My experience has been that nonsexual problems/resentments often manifest themselves inside the bedroom. Other people's mileage may vary, of course.

And communicate, obviously.

BTW, do you have children?

I have to agree with Eilan. Not only resentments but things like daily stress in the marriage, including financial problems, problems at work and possibly even other emotional or physical problems. Marital arguements, where you call each other names also harbors a tremendous amount of resentment long after you have kissed and made up.

Communication with your spouse is also a very important issue. It could be that when you are ready to have sex, she's thinking about the laundry or the grocery shopping she needs to get done.

Another factor is whether you both communicate to each other what your sexual likes and dislikes are. For instance, if you like oral sex and she feels it is disgusting but does it anyway to prevent an arguement, then she is less likely to want to have sex. Secondly, if you aren't fullfilling her sexual desires, then she may be thinking, why bother.

She may very well be in love with you and doesn't want a divorce, but isn't willing to have sex if you get on/ get off then roll over and go to sleep leaving her frustrated and needing to finish the job herself.

Just a few thoughts to consider.

 

[FurryFury]

Do y'all have small children?

How good is your communication with each other about what is really important to the both of you individually and/or your desire to make certain the other one feels valued?

How stressed out is she? Does she work, watch the kids and keep the house?

 

[liberatedslave]

Your wife could have any number of reasons for refusing sex. You say that time is designated for it that doesn't happen but are you sure it's not a case of her saying "Ok, we'll have sex tomorrow." just to get you off her back today? Sexual compatability isn't just about negotiating timeslots and compromising on frequency. You may feel ready to accept any form of love-making from your wife right now, however coerced it is. That in itself is counter-productive. She gets the impression that you're only bothered about your needs and not about actually making love to her because you still think she's fucking beautiful all over.

Clearly your wife is unhappy on some level. This is what you need to investigate and address. Has she had a kid recently? Has she put on weight and started to dislike her body and being naked with you? Have you put on weight? What stresses is she under right now? What was happening in her life when she first went off sex? There are endless questions to ask both her and yourself.

Loss of sex drive is a symptom and you need to approach your relationship with your wife holistically. Find out how you can be more generally supportive of her, maybe get away somewhere (without any kids around) for a few days. Take her out for a meal, romance her a bit, remind her why you fell in love.

If you stop focusing on what she's not giving that you feel entitled to and look at being more giving to her by way of taking the initiative I'm sure she'll respond more positively and bring you closer to the heart of the matter.

Ok, end of lecture. I do wish you all the best with this.

 

[mfstl]

Get Off Me!

Women often feel this as they are seen in the maternal role. Meaning that they are often clung on. Too much over stimulation having someone on you all the time. Women who have had babies experience this most, the men with these women often feel rejected. We will use the baby issue here. When a woman has a baby they feel the need to nurture it before you. Meaning that the baby is usually on her all day. The one time she puts the baby down, you are so ready to be hugged, loved on or whatever that when she doesn't want to pay attention to you right off or she would rather sit with you you feel rejected.

Understand that she has had someone on her all day and all she wants is a little freedom. NOW THIS DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A BABY! As you all know women work on imagination, This is not a baby but her job, her parents, her friends, finances, and on on.... She wants to be left alone. If you are not going to help her relax then you are seen stressor and she wants the stress to go away not you. And Sex is not always relaxing. You have to relax their mind and then their body will relax.

 

[FurryFury]

That's a great idea. Ask yourself what has changed in her world since she was into sex more? Then try to take away, or take her away from some of those stress producing things.

That and communication should help. When you communicate you should keep in mind your goal is to explain how you are feeling and what is important to you without hurting her. You should also be listening to her feelings and what is important to her.

 

[TBKahuna123]

It's ALL about communication. Chances are she doesn't want you to feel rejected or to hurt your feelings. I've been down the same road you are on right now. Hell, I've been down the road she's on now too. While pushing her or guilt tripping her into having sex more frequently is a sure way to damage the relationship, so is not expressing your concern. She has to knw how you are feeling and you ahve to explain it in a way that doesn't sound like you are trying to guilt her into sex. Just tell her how you feel and that you aren't expecting her to put out more, just be aware of your feelings. This is the perfect time to express that a little intimacy would go a long way to salving your hurt feelings.

When my wife and I went through this, it was for medical reasons. Unfortunately we were both young, hadn't been married long, and didn't know how to communicate worth a shit. It was VERY hard on us. I'd try to tell her how I felt, she'd think it was a guilt trip. Soon she took EVERY affectionate advance as a attempt at sex. It was really really tough. The medical condition passed, things got back to normal, but not really normal. It had a long effect on us until we learned to talk about it and figure it all out. The fact is that finally understanding how I felt let her tell me how she felt. This opened up the doors that did wonders for our sex life.

There's no way to change how you feel and you can't feel less hurt or rejected, until you understand how she feels. Talk about it, at the very least knowing that she knows how you feel should make things easier to deal with.

 

[dangermoose007]

its not always all about communication, nor is it always about being more romantic, and not pestering, sometimes, theres abosolutely nothing one can do if the other partner isnt letting you, or if its not within their realm of possibility.
either way the OP sounds like me if you replace wife with fiancee

 

[TBKahuna123]

No, it's not always about communication, but 99% of the time it'll help.

 

[candy_mama]

I feel your pain. My dear husband and I have vastly different sex drives - mine high, his low, low, low. I've tried leaving him alone, waiting for him to make advances, but that results in 'wham bam, thank you ma'am' and not much for me. We have an amazing relationship in every OTHER aspect. My only answer to this is to get sex elsewhere, knowing that in every other way I am committed to our relationship.

 

[lovingHusbandx]

Thank you all so much for your responses! I'm touched that so many of you took the time to do so. I'll respond when i have some time.

Best to everyone,
lh

 

[lovingHusbandx]

Let me thank you all again for your responses. I don't want to give the wrong impression about my marriage. We are very happy together and have a very loving and cohesive relationship. However, like everything else, there are still times that it's less than perfect, and one of those times spurred me to make my original post. To answer a few questions, there definitely have been external stresses in our life (just like everyone else). We have two terrific kids (both under 5) and both work outside the home and we share the child rearing/home keeping/bread-winning responsibilities nearly equally. Throughout the 10 years that we have been together, i have always wanted sex more than my wife, but it's only more recently that i feel the acute sense of rejection. I should also say that since i first posted, we have talked a little more about how i felt sad on one particular occasion after which we spent some time cuddling together which made me feel very loved . I recognize that the key to preventing these types of negative feelings is communication. We communicate extremely well on most issues. Unfortunately, i can have trouble telling her when something is bothering me if i think it will upset her since i want so much for her to be happy. I'm going to try to redouble my efforts to communicate my feelings in these instances. Thank you all again, and i look forward to hearing more input.

 

[helix27]

Ok I may have missed it somewhere in this thread but I have a question... If you two go out, does she reject your public displays of affection? If you were to randomly kiss her, hold her hand etc etc what would/does she do?

Also another question... Does your wife think of herself as a attractive person?

Also to me, from what I have read so far, you seem to be trying to please her just to make sure she is happy, and hoping that the end result is good, happy, loving sex. While that is not really a bad thing. My thought is that maybe you should just "be". (I hope that makes sense. ) I have heard from many of my female friends the irritated complaint; "he is always trying to make me happy" "I wish he would just be himself". I guess I trying to tell you to just be yourself. There is something about you that she was once attracted to and maybe turned on by. Course you did say that when it came to the sexual part of your relationship that you were always wanting more. I do agree with everyone else here though, that communication is key. I just get the vibe that too much of that communication in this instance would be along the lines of talking about the lack of sex problem when lack of sex is usually the after effect of another problem else where.

my two cents

 

[M's girl]

deleted

 

[Mansa Musa]

Body massages are good libido boosters. And you´ll have to foist the little darling in someone else, preferably their grandparents.

 

[lovingHusbandx]

Also another question... Does your wife think of herself as a attractive person?

Unfortunately, no. She's a beautiful woman with an amazing body, but she doesn't thing so. Truth be told, i think that this is at least a small part of why she hasn't wanted more sex over the years. However, i don't really want this thread to devolve into "how can i get more sex", rather i'm trying to help myself feel better in times when my wife doesn't want the intimacy (sexual or otherwise) that i crave.

Best,
lh

 

[M's girl]

deleted