How to re-start?

[shanier]

My name is Rebecca. I'm a very open, sex-positive person with very few hang ups. I'm also very accepting of the sexual proclivities of others. For the last few years, I've been celibate, but I'm considering putting an end to that: hence my post here. Here's the trouble, if trouble is the right word.

At the beginning of 2008, I decided that I was having a bit of a problem balancing sex with everything else in my life and wanted to take some time to find a better balance. So, I decided on a year of celibacy. At the end of that year, I ended up meeting and falling in love with someone. He happens to be a minister and doesn't believe in sex before marriage. We did plan to marry and, thus, my celibacy continued. Until he cheated on me and we broke up last fall.

So, here we are 2012 and I'm thinking that I'm ready to bring sex back into my life, but I find I'm not really sure how to do it. I'm not exactly nervous, I'm just...unsure. When I was younger, I was always pretty much down for anything. Now, I'm not sure. Ha.

I have two friends, one guy, one girl, who I've known forever and both have offered to help me get back into things, but I worry that crossing that line with friends is really risky. So, it's almost scarier than just going out and meeting people.

In the end, I'm just not sure what to do or how to get started. Any suggestions?

 

[Paul_Chance]

Often

I've always believed sex with friends was a good thing, the only caveat I would toss out there is look at their past relationships, as that is the template that will define your sexual relationship with them (we've all got our patterns). Failing one as a partner, they both might be willing to be your wingman and take you back out on the town while you find that partner. Either way, good luck and enjoy! Often

 

[Bramblethorn]

I have two friends, one guy, one girl, who I've known forever and both have offered to help me get back into things, but I worry that crossing that line with friends is really risky. So, it's almost scarier than just going out and meeting people.

I know the popular wisdom is "never sleep with friends", but it's usually worked out well for me. (One spectacular failure, but even that one lasted four years, and I suspect the factors that killed the relationship would've killed the friendship even if we hadn't been sleeping together.)

 

[shanier]

Sex with friends has never worked out well for me. The best case was after sex with my best friend. We didn't talk for a year. I don't know. I think I'm just probably not ready if I can't move it from my head to my body. Who knows.

 

[Cattypuss]

Is there any reason not to try just dating (e.g. through match.com or whatever) and assume that dating might lead to sex?

Are you particularly looking for no-strings sex?

 

[subwannabe]

Maybe others would disagree with me but I wonder if maybe you are putting too much emphasis on bringing sex back into your life by using a calendar instead of finding someone you really want to have sex with first.

 

[shanier]

I'm *NOT* ready for dating. No. Emotionally, just not ready.

But I was always a very sexual person and I feel like I may have lost that...hence the desire for that. As I said, I may not be ready for that either.

 

[lynn-23]

When your friends say they are willing to help, did they mean help you find someone, or to have sex with you themselves? You said one was a girl, have you had bi-sex before?

 

[shanier]

When your friends say they are willing to help, did they mean help you find someone, or to have sex with you themselves? You said one was a girl, have you had bi-sex before?

They both want to fuck me and have been really up front about it. I'm pansexual; I've had experiences and relationships all over the gender map.

 

[fire_breeze]

I'm *NOT* ready for dating. No. Emotionally, just not ready.

But I was always a very sexual person and I feel like I may have lost that...hence the desire for that. As I said, I may not be ready for that either.

If you're questioning about your readiness to re-assume sexual activity, in my not so humble opinion, you're not ready.

People's attitude towards sex change throughout time; maybe yours has changed, and that itself is somewhat discomforting to you. You are not the same person as several years ago, and with that, your sexual attitude and response is not the same as it was several years ago. I have nothing very constructive to add, no advice or anything, except that I thought that I'd point this out and perhaps encourage you to reconcile your current self (both as a dating and as a sexual being) as a separate entity from who you were before you embarked on your period of celibacy and go from there. We change throughout time, and we cannot always go back to who we used to be - it could very well be possible that this is such a case for you. You may be a very sexual person - and that may not have changed - but rather how you chose to express that sexuality has changed, and change needs to be accepted before we can move on.

And good luck

 

[lynn-23]

They both want to fuck me and have been really up front about it. I'm pansexual; I've had experiences and relationships all over the gender map.

To "get started" again, would you prefer to be with a guy or a girl? I know you are a bit reluctant to do it with either since they are friends. I've never been "with" another woman, but it seems to me that a woman friend might handle that better than a guy friend. Are you attracted to them? That seems to me to be a big part of the question here.

 

[shanier]

To "get started" again, would you prefer to be with a guy or a girl? I know you are a bit reluctant to do it with either since they are friends. I've never been "with" another woman, but it seems to me that a woman friend might handle that better than a guy friend. Are you attracted to them? That seems to me to be a big part of the question here.

Oh, well, I'm attracted to both. However, my female friend actually makes me far more nervous because she's also my best best best friend in the world--that puts way more at risk. I think, in the end, I'd rather not have a physically relationship with her, because I just don't want to risk our friendship for sex.

My guy friend...well he's a virgin...and I have no problem with that, but I think I'd feel guilty having his first experience be with me while I'm so out of practice...not to mention he's more than a decade younger than I am.

 

[shanier]

People's attitude towards sex change throughout time; maybe yours has changed, and that itself is somewhat discomforting to you. You are not the same person as several years ago, and with that, your sexual attitude and response is not the same as it was several years ago.

See, THIS is exactly what I'm wondering. I don't think I'm unready for sex... I think, maybe I'm worried that the changes I was hoping for when I started the whole celibacy thing aren't the changes I achieved.

I think this has actually helped me quite a bit...this thread I mean. For one, I know now that I'm not willing to risk anything emotional here (not for my friends about whom I care greatly) and that anything I do will have to take that into consideration....This makes me feel much better about things. Thanks!

 

[lynn-23]

Oh, well, I'm attracted to both. However, my female friend actually makes me far more nervous because she's also my best best best friend in the world--that puts way more at risk. I think, in the end, I'd rather not have a physically relationship with her, because I just don't want to risk our friendship for sex.

My guy friend...well he's a virgin...and I have no problem with that, but I think I'd feel guilty having his first experience be with me while I'm so out of practice...not to mention he's more than a decade younger than I am.

I might be worried that you giving your guy friend his first time (which I'm sure you would be wonderful at) might cause him to fall in love with you. Although, I have to say, the idea of giving this much younger guy his first time sounds very very exciting and fun!

 

[shanier]

I might be worried that you giving your guy friend his first time (which I'm sure you would be wonderful at) might cause him to fall in love with you. Although, I have to say, the idea of giving this much younger guy his first time sounds very very exciting and fun!

I know, right! That's what makes it an even tougher decision. The idea of it is really kind of exciting, but the reality is...I think it'd hurt him in the long run. Oy.

 

[lynn-23]

I know, right! That's what makes it an even tougher decision. The idea of it is really kind of exciting, but the reality is...I think it'd hurt him in the long run. Oy.

I'm sure his first time would be a wonderful memory that he would treasure forever. But he would probably end up with a bit of a broken heart when his feelings that might devolope are not returned.

What about if all 3 of you played together for a night? That might not have quite the emotional attachment.

 

[shanier]

I'm sure his first time would be a wonderful memory that he would treasure forever. But he would probably end up with a bit of a broken heart when his feelings that might devolope are not returned.

What about if all 3 of you played together for a night? That might not have quite the emotional attachment.

My best friend is quite happily married (nearly 20 years) and while her hubby is content for her to have female lovers (while not joining in himself), he likes to be her only male lover.

 

[lynn-23]

Oh, ok. Got it. I didnt think to ask if she was married. That indeed would probably be a problem. lol.

So, what do you think? Could your friends help you to find someone? I can sympathize with you, dating does suck. I'm glad I found my man and dont have to play those games. It always seemed to me that the best people you meet in the most common places. Don't look for guys in the bars; look for them at the grocery story, or church, or the guy/girl that you walk passed every day going to work, or something like that.

 

[Cattypuss]

Would it not be an option just to carry on with life and when sex rears its head in the natural course of events, decide about the sex then?

Does sex have to be an item on your agenda? Could it not just be put into the "if it happens it happens" category?

 

[thirty]

How difficult is it to get it started if you are horny enough?

 

[shanier]

woo hoo! I did it! And it was like riding a bike...well, I mean, it was as easy to remember as riding a bike. And it was a lot of fun...well...he's still here, so it's still fun. He's just sleeping.

 

[Que]

woo hoo! I did it! And it was like riding a bike...well, I mean, it was as easy to remember as riding a bike. And it was a lot of fun...well...he's still here, so it's still fun. He's just sleeping.

Something tells me you quite literally "wore him the fuck out."

 

[lynn-23]

woo hoo! I did it! And it was like riding a bike...well, I mean, it was as easy to remember as riding a bike. And it was a lot of fun...well...he's still here, so it's still fun. He's just sleeping.

Congrats. Who was the lucky guy?

 

[shanier]

Congrats. Who was the lucky guy?

To be honest, I don't know him that well.

Something tells me you quite literally "wore him the fuck out."

Yeah, pretty literally. We had a lot of fun tho, before he fell asleep and then again when he woke up.

 

[lynn-23]

To be honest, I don't know him that well.



Yeah, pretty literally. We had a lot of fun tho, before he fell asleep and then again when he woke up.

Oooo, interesting. Tell us more!