footlongish
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2006
- Posts
- 570
It seems every week we get a number of people in the How To forum complaining of a "loveless marriage" or wanting to talk about cheating, etc, or just plain asking how to improve their relationship.
I am no guru on the subject, but I have been "working on" a relationship lately, so I'll share my 2 cents. Feel free to join in with your ideas on "working on" a relationship.
BTW: I say "working on" instead of "fixing" because I think the former is do able whereas the later is the result of a successful period of working on, and as such it doesn't necessarily happen. Notice I didn't say my relationship was "fixed" !
Notice I don't discuss the use of profession help.
Take what I say with a grain of salt.
Step 0: find yourself some friends.
OK, you are unhappy. DO NOT keep it your little secret. Find some friends. Maybe they are in the same boat as you, maybe they come from a really good relationship, whatever. You need people that you can talk to about things, ask their opinion, dump on, etc. You can't do this alone.
I find online friends are excellent. I prefer to type out an email versus talking to them on the phone. I'll talk about things in an email that I won't in person or on the phone. Emails give me and them time to think. Etc.
In any event, you need some friends to help you through this.
Step 1: tell your SO you are unhappy.
Just put it all out there. Dump. Don't yell. Don't call names. Don't blame. Tell them EXACTLY what you are unhappy about. Then tell them that you want to work on a number of things and that you expect them to work too. Or else.
Why ? Someone kind of has to take the lead on making change in the relationship and being you are reading this, you are probably the unhappy one and thus Bingo ! you got elected to lead the change. You are right, life isn't fair.
Expect to have to give them an ultimatum. I bet your spouse is fairly happy. I bet s/he doesn't really want to change. They won't unless you make it known that you are so unhappy you are prepared to.... whatever you are prepared to do.
Step 2: Learn to fight properly.
To fix things, both of you are going to need to say things that are sensitive to each other and its important that a) you are heard and b) you don't hurt your partner. You both need to learn how to do this properly.
I highly, highly suggest reading Gottman and putting it to work.
http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Princip...=pd_bbs_1/104-8248709-0894306?ie=UTF8&s=books
Gottman is involved with other books as well. You might want to check them out.
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=br_ss_h...=blended&keywords=gottman&Go.x=0&Go.y=0&Go=Go
I really like the 7 principles book as far as resolving conflict is concerned. I don't agree with some of the other things he says, but what do I know ? I think it is very important that relationships have healthy fighting patterns, no matter if they are in trouble or not.
Step 3) Now that you know how to resolve conflict without hurting each other, its time to start working on "the issues". Each of you make a list of issues, things that bother you. Each of you make a list of needs, things you aren't getting. Exchange them.
There are a number of good articles in the Lit archives discussing what men and women really need. These might spark some ideas.
http://english.literotica.com/stories/stories_by_category.php?category=8&page=5
Lots of other topics in that list too ! (Including how to cheat...)
Now, find books that tackle the subject areas that came up in the lists. Read the books and discuss. If there are questions and exercises, do them separately and then share and discuss.
I'll go out on a limb here and say if the relationship is in trouble, communication has broken down. You need to start talking to each other much more explicitly. Be prepared to talk about things like you have never before. Don't leave these discussions to happen naturally. You'll have to schedule them. Yes, schedule them. Otherwise things will slip or partners will avoid them or they just won't get done.
If working on the relationship is important, then time must be devoted to it. Just like anything else, only it should probably get higher priority than anything else. But it probably won't. Sadly.
Don't make the discussions long. Don't expect to ask a question and get an answer. Cover one little topic. Go away and think about things. Get back together. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Expect tears. Expect some yelling. Expect some disappointment. Expect frustration. But over time if you keep doing this, you will understand each other and each others needs. And that must happen before change can occur.
4) Look for root causes.
If you do enough discussion and you find the right books, you'll eventually get down to the root causes of the issues. Him not holding you after sex isn't a root cause. Him growing up in a household where affection wasn't openly shared is a root cause. You making him feel guilty about sex and him wanting to avoid thinking about that guilt afterward is a root cause.
The root cause has to be identified and then dealt with. I'll bet that a lot of the root causes of the issues in a relationship come from patterns learned before the relationship started. Those patterns have to be broken.
Behavior patterns don't just happen. Behavior starts as a thought. The thought turns into a feeling. The feeling turns into the behavior. To change the behavior you have to change the thought.
So for the man not holding his wife after sex, the thought might be "real men aren't affectionate". The feeling might be insecurity or guilt. And the behavior is surprise, surprise, no cuddle ! So to work on this issue, you have to tackle the belief that real men aren't affectionate. Once the man believes that real men are affectionate, he doesn't feel insecure or guilty and then he wants to cuddle. See how it works ?
If you demand he cuddles without tackling the thought, then he will always feel guilty or insecure when doing it. So it will always be a chore for him. And it will never be something he just wants to do.
5) Sex
I suspect that some of the issues in troubled relationships are going to be sexually based. Here are some books that tackle the subject with varying degrees of detail.
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Smart-Ali...=pd_bbs_1/104-8248709-0894306?ie=UTF8&s=books
A lot of what people do and feel sexually is pre programmed in them before the relationship starts, usually in childhood. Sex Smart is a great book for exploring that part of things. It raises a whole bunch of questions and points to causes, but offers few solutions. Its a good book, nonetheless.
I think this book by the same author would be good as well, although I haven't read it.
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Talk-Unce...f=pd_bxgy_b_img_b/104-8248709-0894306?ie=UTF8
Here is another couples book that seems pretty good.
http://www.amazon.com/Rekindling-De...ef=sr_1_4/104-8248709-0894306?ie=UTF8&s=books
There are lots of books on this topic.
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b...eywords=Rekindling+desire&Go.x=0&Go.y=0&Go=Go
The problem with some of these books is that they don't tackle the root causes. Its great to tell your hubby to cuddle you, but if he feels insecure or guilt doing it, it isn't going to work. Look for root causes. The Smart Sex book is really good in that regard.
I'm kind of surprised at how many relationship problems can be fixed by addressing how the couple fights and the messages (sexual and not) that people grew up with.
And that is all I know thus far. I'll update this as I learn more.
I am no guru on the subject, but I have been "working on" a relationship lately, so I'll share my 2 cents. Feel free to join in with your ideas on "working on" a relationship.
BTW: I say "working on" instead of "fixing" because I think the former is do able whereas the later is the result of a successful period of working on, and as such it doesn't necessarily happen. Notice I didn't say my relationship was "fixed" !
Notice I don't discuss the use of profession help.
Take what I say with a grain of salt.
Step 0: find yourself some friends.
OK, you are unhappy. DO NOT keep it your little secret. Find some friends. Maybe they are in the same boat as you, maybe they come from a really good relationship, whatever. You need people that you can talk to about things, ask their opinion, dump on, etc. You can't do this alone.
I find online friends are excellent. I prefer to type out an email versus talking to them on the phone. I'll talk about things in an email that I won't in person or on the phone. Emails give me and them time to think. Etc.
In any event, you need some friends to help you through this.
Step 1: tell your SO you are unhappy.
Just put it all out there. Dump. Don't yell. Don't call names. Don't blame. Tell them EXACTLY what you are unhappy about. Then tell them that you want to work on a number of things and that you expect them to work too. Or else.
Why ? Someone kind of has to take the lead on making change in the relationship and being you are reading this, you are probably the unhappy one and thus Bingo ! you got elected to lead the change. You are right, life isn't fair.
Expect to have to give them an ultimatum. I bet your spouse is fairly happy. I bet s/he doesn't really want to change. They won't unless you make it known that you are so unhappy you are prepared to.... whatever you are prepared to do.
Step 2: Learn to fight properly.
To fix things, both of you are going to need to say things that are sensitive to each other and its important that a) you are heard and b) you don't hurt your partner. You both need to learn how to do this properly.
I highly, highly suggest reading Gottman and putting it to work.
http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Princip...=pd_bbs_1/104-8248709-0894306?ie=UTF8&s=books
Gottman is involved with other books as well. You might want to check them out.
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=br_ss_h...=blended&keywords=gottman&Go.x=0&Go.y=0&Go=Go
I really like the 7 principles book as far as resolving conflict is concerned. I don't agree with some of the other things he says, but what do I know ? I think it is very important that relationships have healthy fighting patterns, no matter if they are in trouble or not.
Step 3) Now that you know how to resolve conflict without hurting each other, its time to start working on "the issues". Each of you make a list of issues, things that bother you. Each of you make a list of needs, things you aren't getting. Exchange them.
There are a number of good articles in the Lit archives discussing what men and women really need. These might spark some ideas.
http://english.literotica.com/stories/stories_by_category.php?category=8&page=5
Lots of other topics in that list too ! (Including how to cheat...)
Now, find books that tackle the subject areas that came up in the lists. Read the books and discuss. If there are questions and exercises, do them separately and then share and discuss.
I'll go out on a limb here and say if the relationship is in trouble, communication has broken down. You need to start talking to each other much more explicitly. Be prepared to talk about things like you have never before. Don't leave these discussions to happen naturally. You'll have to schedule them. Yes, schedule them. Otherwise things will slip or partners will avoid them or they just won't get done.
If working on the relationship is important, then time must be devoted to it. Just like anything else, only it should probably get higher priority than anything else. But it probably won't. Sadly.
Don't make the discussions long. Don't expect to ask a question and get an answer. Cover one little topic. Go away and think about things. Get back together. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Expect tears. Expect some yelling. Expect some disappointment. Expect frustration. But over time if you keep doing this, you will understand each other and each others needs. And that must happen before change can occur.
4) Look for root causes.
If you do enough discussion and you find the right books, you'll eventually get down to the root causes of the issues. Him not holding you after sex isn't a root cause. Him growing up in a household where affection wasn't openly shared is a root cause. You making him feel guilty about sex and him wanting to avoid thinking about that guilt afterward is a root cause.
The root cause has to be identified and then dealt with. I'll bet that a lot of the root causes of the issues in a relationship come from patterns learned before the relationship started. Those patterns have to be broken.
Behavior patterns don't just happen. Behavior starts as a thought. The thought turns into a feeling. The feeling turns into the behavior. To change the behavior you have to change the thought.
So for the man not holding his wife after sex, the thought might be "real men aren't affectionate". The feeling might be insecurity or guilt. And the behavior is surprise, surprise, no cuddle ! So to work on this issue, you have to tackle the belief that real men aren't affectionate. Once the man believes that real men are affectionate, he doesn't feel insecure or guilty and then he wants to cuddle. See how it works ?
If you demand he cuddles without tackling the thought, then he will always feel guilty or insecure when doing it. So it will always be a chore for him. And it will never be something he just wants to do.
5) Sex
I suspect that some of the issues in troubled relationships are going to be sexually based. Here are some books that tackle the subject with varying degrees of detail.
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Smart-Ali...=pd_bbs_1/104-8248709-0894306?ie=UTF8&s=books
A lot of what people do and feel sexually is pre programmed in them before the relationship starts, usually in childhood. Sex Smart is a great book for exploring that part of things. It raises a whole bunch of questions and points to causes, but offers few solutions. Its a good book, nonetheless.
I think this book by the same author would be good as well, although I haven't read it.
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Talk-Unce...f=pd_bxgy_b_img_b/104-8248709-0894306?ie=UTF8
Here is another couples book that seems pretty good.
http://www.amazon.com/Rekindling-De...ef=sr_1_4/104-8248709-0894306?ie=UTF8&s=books
There are lots of books on this topic.
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b...eywords=Rekindling+desire&Go.x=0&Go.y=0&Go=Go
The problem with some of these books is that they don't tackle the root causes. Its great to tell your hubby to cuddle you, but if he feels insecure or guilt doing it, it isn't going to work. Look for root causes. The Smart Sex book is really good in that regard.
I'm kind of surprised at how many relationship problems can be fixed by addressing how the couple fights and the messages (sexual and not) that people grew up with.
And that is all I know thus far. I'll update this as I learn more.
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