I fucked up...

[Cathleen]

*hangs head*

It is her first time. She's so damn innocent of human beings sometimes. I wish she'd talk with her friends about what a bastard I am or whatever. But she doesn't talk to anybody else about it, just me.

*sigh*

<<--(bullet)

*sigh for you*

You know when I was breaking up a relationship the person I needed to talk with was him. I needed my friend...

You are the one she needs - the friend in you. If you two can do this then I think the she will respond to the lover in you. You're not a bastard so much as you are human, just like her.

 

[LadyJeanne]

LadyJ, your words were clearly from the heart. So very well said.

Naba, forgiveness is a gift, please respect her feelings and most importantly respect that gift if she gives it to you.

Yup, I've been there. Four years of a loving, trusting relationship without ever a doubt, and suddenly he tells me he spent an evening with a friend and there was drinking and somehow they found themselves kissing and groping. WTF? And then, after telling me all this, a couple of weeks later, he goes back to the friend's house to wash her car and bring her ice cream, just as friends, you know? And he expected me to be upset, but that I should get over it and stop asking all those questions about the details cause it wasn't a big deal. And really, he was kissing her but he was thinking about me.

Eventually, I decided our relationship was worth saving. A year later, I could honestly say I had forgiven him, in that I didn't care anymore. Three months after that, I moved out.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I fucking know it's all my fucking fault, I don't fucking know if I have to have my face constantly rubbed in that fact by her! I rub it in myself, dammit.

You're not getting it! Her face is being rubbed in it every time she thinks of you!

 

[mrmgp]

Okay, Nabä, time for an anti-male male to weigh in on the subject.

You titled this thread right. Yes, you fucked up. You seriously fucked up. And now you feel guilty as hell. And rightfully so. You betrayed someone who loved you and trusted you, and did it repeatedly. And you also did some of it while she was in the fucking hospital! That's probably the most hurtful thing to her.

No wonder she's pissed at you. News flash: She's going to be pissed at you for a long time. This isn't something for which you will receive the instant forgiveness you seem to crave. You hurt her, and hurt her deeply, and now she's probably in as much pain as you are in, only worse, since she's really the victim here.

If you really love this woman, and want to make things work with her, then you will allow her time to work out her feelings of mistrust and betrayal and anger and disapointment. Stop whining about how much misery you are going through and how much you wish this nightmare would end and how much you want to "make it right". Be a man and face your period in the doghouse--a period which is probably going to last a while, and deservedly so. You brought this on yourself, so you deserve no sympathy. There's no "Get out of jail free" card that's going to quickly remedy this situation for you.

Whether or not your relationship survives, you damned well better remember the look of hurt and betrayal and disappointment on her face when you confessed your indiscretions, and you damned well better remember how you feel like the stuff that dog shit scrapes off its shoes the next time you feel like being unfaithful, so that you don't do it again.

 

[Nabä]

Be a man and face your period in the doghouse--a period which is probably going to last a while, and deservedly so. You brought this on yourself, so you deserve no sympathy. There's no "Get out of jail free" card that's going to quickly remedy this situation for you.

Deservedly so? Nobody deserves this shit.

The sad thing about the whole thing is the sheer human mediocrity of it.

P. S. - I never said I was the victim or anything.

 

[Nabä]

You're not getting it! Her face is being rubbed in it every time she thinks of you!

Then it's better if she stops thinking about me, I guess.

 

[Nabä]

Eventually, I decided our relationship was worth saving. A year later, I could honestly say I had forgiven him, in that I didn't care anymore. Three months after that, I moved out.

*This* is the frightening bit.

 

[dragon_gurl]

ah sigh

I have to agree with all the above people. if you fuck up you have to suck up the conisquences. STOP FOCUSING ON YOU! You've done that enough! now it is time to focus on her.

the next time she asks you details of the "events" Ask her if knowing all the details is really going to make her feel better? And if she thinks it will, then tell her, all the dirty details. Sometimes you (meaning her) have to know what went on, for her sake, so she can rationalize, justify, and deal with how she feels about you and what happened.

Stop invalidating how she feels about you betraying her, and deal with it.

And Fyi, i have cheated in the past, so i am not an innocent. I know it sucks to have to live with the guilt of hurting the person who loves you, and who you love.

And why the fuck did you write that in your journal?... SOunds like you were hoping she would find out that way, so you didn't have to tell her.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

Deservedly so? Nobody deserves this shit.

The sad thing about the whole thing is the sheer human mediocrity of it.

P. S. - I never said I was the victim or anything.

You have not said outright that you are the victim. I will agree with you there. Instead, you are acting like it with everything else you say. "She makes me feel like crap for what I did, how can I make her stop doing that?" That is really what you're asking about here. The entire underlying tone of that question is that you think you are being victimized in some way because of the way she has reacted to what you did to her.

After reading the rest of the responses here, I have to agree with what everyone else has said, along with standing strongly behind what I originally posted here. You are looking for an easy way out on this one, a way for her to leave you alone since you dont think you would ever do something like that again to her, if she gives you a second chance. Unfortunately, a lot of people have the same thought on cheating: once a cheater, always a cheater. And in the reality of all of what has been said, you come off as being extremely self-centered towards your relationship with her and how what happens should be focused mainly on how you feel and what you want. It isn't about you anymore when you screw up like you did. It is about her and what she wants to do next. If you really cared about her, like you're saying you do, then you would be willing to do anything she asked to try to make it right, including answering every question about anything she asks just because she asked it.

 

[mrmgp]

Deservedly so? Nobody deserves this shit.

Then you aren't truly repentant for what you did. You just want an easy release for your pain and probably don't give two shits about hers. Fuck off. You deserve your misery. I hope she rakes your stupid ass over the coals for a long time to come. Selfish twit. Males like you make me ashamed to have a penis sometimes.

P. S. - I never said I was the victim or anything.

No, but you sure as hell act like it. Be a man, something I suspect doesn't come naturally for you.

 

[mrmgp]

Then it's better if she stops thinking about me, I guess.

Jesus, what a colossal pussy. Do you need a tampon?

 

[mrmgp]

*This* is the frightening bit.

Cry me a river, you unrepentant jerkoff.

 

[Nabä]

I have to agree with all the above people. if you fuck up you have to suck up the conisquences. STOP FOCUSING ON YOU! You've done that enough! now it is time to focus on her.

...

And why the fuck did you write that in your journal?... SOunds like you were hoping she would find out that way, so you didn't have to tell her.

And how the hell do things get better if I focus on her on this forum? What do you think I do in RL?

Sometimes, when you do dreadful things, you write them down in the vain hope that seeing them in black and white will make you see reason.

 

[Nabä]

After reading the rest of the responses here, I have to agree with what everyone else has said, along with standing strongly behind what I originally posted here. You are looking for an easy way out on this one, a way for her to leave you alone since you dont think you would ever do something like that again to her, if she gives you a second chance.

Unfortunately, a lot of people have the same thought on cheating: once a cheater, always a cheater.

And in the reality of all of what has been said, you come off as being extremely self-centered towards your relationship with her and how what happens should be focused mainly on how you feel and what you want. It isn't about you anymore when you screw up like you did. It is about her and what she wants to do next. If you really cared about her, like you're saying you do, then you would be willing to do anything she asked to try to make it right, including answering every question about anything she asks just because she asked it.

I have been answering every bloody question every time she bloody asked for a bloody month and more. And I don't think it's bloody helping her.

 

[Nabä]

Then you aren't truly repentant for what you did. You just want an easy release for your pain and probably don't give two shits about hers. Fuck off. You deserve your misery. I hope she rakes your stupid ass over the coals for a long time to come. Selfish twit. Males like you make me ashamed to have a penis sometimes.

No, but you sure as hell act like it. Be a man, something I suspect doesn't come naturally for you.

Do you have any concrete advice besides denigrating me and attempting to portray me as some kind of lower life form?

 

[Nabä]

Jesus, what a colossal pussy. Do you need a tampon?

No, I don't need a tampon, dammit. I need answers and reason and meaning in my life. Not tampons.

 

[Nabä]

Cry me a river, you unrepentant jerkoff.

I think I've gotten your point. Do you have personal experiences that make it so difficult for you to see where I'm coming from?

 

[Nabä]

*When* has a person repented enough? How long must it go on? I don't know if I'll be able to handle this attrition if it keeps going on without quite simply going numb.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Your point being? I have taken responsibility, I am not dictating how others ought to feel... I'm feeling wiped out because I don't know how this fucking thing will end.

My point is that you are whining on and on about poor me, what a fuckup and bastard I am. Walk tall and take your medicine like a man, for chrissakes, not a worm.

 

[Nabä]

I'm not a poor wretch, or a fuck up, or a bastard, or anything. But today I just couldn't take it anymore.

Thanks all... I just needed somebody *else* to bare my bones for a change.

 

[Nabä]

Btw - Nabä is the Yanoama word for all humans who are not Yanoama and it translates into English as "lesser subhuman being."

 

[LadyJeanne]

*When* has a person repented enough? How long must it go on? I don't know if I'll be able to handle this attrition if it keeps going on without quite simply going numb.

I don't understand why this is so hard for you to understand. Your girlfriend is in a lot of pain right now. For her, the relationship the two of you had where there was mutual trust, where she never had to wonder if you were lying to her or cheating on her or where you are and who you're with, is over. She knew there were cheating men out there; she didn't know you were one of them.

It's not just the matter of what happened with you and the other woman. It's bigger than that. It will go on for as long as she feels awful. It will ease up when she can put it out of her mind for more than a few minutes at a time. She's going through a huge emotional fallout. You have to go through it with her if you want to save the relationship.

Think of it in terms of physical pain. It only takes a second for someone to kick you in the nuts. How long does recovery take? How long afterwards does it hurt at the merest touch? And how long does it ache when you think of it? How long does it make you cringe when you see someone get kicked there in a movie?

Her emotional pain is much worse than that.

 

[Nabä]

I don't understand why this is so hard for you to understand. Your girlfriend is in a lot of pain right now. For her, the relationship the two of you had where there was mutual trust, where she never had to wonder if you were lying to her or cheating on her or where you are and who you're with, is over. She knew there were cheating men out there; she didn't know you were one of them.

It's not just the matter of what happened with you and the other woman. It's bigger than that. It will go on for as long as she feels awful. It will ease up when she can put it out of her mind for more than a few minutes at a time. She's going through a huge emotional fallout. You have to go through it with her if you want to save the relationship.

Think of it in terms of physical pain. It only takes a second for someone to kick you in the nuts. How long does recovery take? How long afterwards does it hurt at the merest touch? And how long does it ache when you think of it? How long does it make you cringe when you see someone get kicked there in a movie?

Her emotional pain is much worse than that.

I understand. But understanding and experiencing - that's worlds apart.

 

[mrmgp]

Do you have any concrete advice besides denigrating me and attempting to portray me as some kind of lower life form?

I told you you are just going to have to ride this out. But no, this isn't what you want to hear. You want someone to wave a magic wand and erase this "little" fuck up you made so that you don't have to feel any more guilt. You only want to hear from your girlfriend, "Oh, it's okay, love. I forgive you. It's all forgotten now. It'll never be brought up again." You want us to validate your feelings, probably so you can either show her our postings on the computer or print them off for her to read so that you can justify in your mind how unreasonable you think she's being over your unfaithfulness.

Quit being such a pussy. You're "poor, poor, pitiful me, I'm being punished" routine has gotten old. Be a man and not a little boy, and accept full responsibility for your actions, and the punishments meted out to you. If you are pulling the same whiny ass bullshit to her that you are pulling with us, she's probably assuming as I am that you aren't sorry for what you did, you're just sorry you got caught, and you don't have the courage to face even the slightest negative reactions from her over your unfaithfulness.

She's in the process of completely re-evaluating your worthiness as a potential life partner. So far, you are getting a failing grade by acting like such a baby. You're not going to win her forgiveness overnight. You aren't going to be able to do one or two things to impress her and make her completely regain trust in you. You'll have a cloud of suspicion and doubt hanging over you throughout the rest of your relationship with her, even if it's infinitessimal, and you brought this on yourself. You've also shaken her faith in her ability to trust another man completely in a relationship, and you've also undermined her self-esteem. I re-iterate again. She is the victim. Stop acting like you are. You are the perpetrator of her sadness.

You should feel guilty for what you did. But I suspect that you are too damned self-centered to feel guilt. It's the punishment phase that's killing you because, as I suspect, deep down, you don't think you did anything that was all that wrong. You're coming off as though you feel you are a convict who's facing the death penalty for jaywalking. Grow up.

 

[Mary Hall]

But I suspect that you are too damned self-centered to feel guilt.

Let`s hope the girl finds someone who isn`t a dirty sewer rat