I need your help guys and gals

[mrbaigent]

I don't post here much as I'm quite shy but I've landed myself in a situation that I just can't figure a way out of.

I met this girl a while back and we've ended up in a relationship 7 months strong. Thing is, she's now wanting us to move in together but I just don't think I'm ready for it. I'm only 19 years old and I don't earn enough money to be able to pay rent, bills etc. As it stands at the moment I'm completely head over heels for my girl but I have to say no to moving in with her. Now this is where the problem comes in. She's had a troubled past, abandonment issues things like that. I'm scared that if I say no she's going to do something monumentally stupid. Or that I'm going to lose her. Neither of which I want to happen.

So I turn to you, fellow Literoticans, for any help and advice you can offer.

Thanks so much

 

[Kissophile]

Are you now living at home with your parents? If you are, it's probably not a good idea to jump straight from their home to one you share with a woman.

You said something about abandonment issues, and that's kind of a red flag. It could mean lots of things but one thing is for sure: if she is telling you she has abandonment issues then she is telling you she wants the security of knowing you will not leave her. So make it plain that you want to continue to build your relationship so that it lasts a long, long time. But tell her too that you don't feel you can live up to the responsibilities (you mentioned paying rent and so forth) that come with living together. That would put a crimp on any relationship and you don't want to risk that.

If you are straight and honest with her I'm sure she'll see that it's smart to wait.

Good luck.

 

[Voodoo Child]

firstly, don't be shy about postin on lit, everyone is very friendly

secondly, when you say your not ready.. do you mean financially or do you mean you're not ready to actually move in with her?
i think that if there is a real risk of her gettin properly upset about this, is it an option of your parents helping you out or is there other any way of makin money?

if that isn't an option, i think there isn't really a way out except to say you cant afford it.. at the end of the day, there are two scenarios. 1 is you live with her and 2 is you don't
i think your best bet is start saving now and tell her you'll be ready when you have enough money

 

[EJFan]

it seems to me that since you said you didn't feel you were ready for cohabitation that you really AREN'T READY FOR COHABITATION. it may sound course, but i think you answered your own question.

also, to do something based merely on what you feel the repercussions may be if you DON'T could lead to serious problems.

i understand what you mean about fearing losing her and stress on the relationship, etc. but if it's a strong, mature relationship you'll be able to work through it together. if you have a good reason for not wanting to move in together, she'll see that and you can approach the possibility again when it's mutually acceptable.

personally, i've made more than a few mistakes in my past where i did something because i was afraid that NOT doing it would lead to a breakup or something. believe me, it doesn't help things in the long run. if you're both in "a good place" where this is plausible, it'll be the best move you make... if one of you is reticent but does it anyway, it'll be the worst move you make.

good luck! i'm sure you two can work it out.

and it is "literoticans" or "literoticites"?

 

[SweetErika]

Ditto to Kissophile's and EJFan's comments. I'd also like to add that if you tell her no in a loving and logical way (maybe you can offer to reassess the situation in a few months or something), she shouldn't take it poorly. If she gets angry or breaks off the relationship because you're standing up for your needs and doing what's best for both of you, she's probably not ready for a relationship of any kind. Even under the best circumstances, living together is difficult and strains the relationship. Neither one of you should want to take on that challenge before you're really ready.

Good luck!

 

[Kissophile]

Ditto to Kissophile's and EJFan's comments. I'd also like to add that if you tell her no in a loving and logical way (maybe you can offer to reassess the situation in a few months or something), she shouldn't take it poorly. If she gets angry or breaks off the relationship because you're standing up for your needs and doing what's best for both of you, she's probably not ready for a relationship of any kind. Even under the best circumstances, living together is difficult and strains the relationship. Neither one of you should want to take on that challenge before you're really ready.

Good luck!

This makes a lot of sense to me.

 

[Weird Harold]

I met this girl a while back and we've ended up in a relationship 7 months strong. Thing is, she's now wanting us to move in together but I just don't think I'm ready for it. I'm only 19 years old and I don't earn enough money to be able to pay rent, bills etc. As it stands at the moment I'm completely head over heels for my girl but I have to say no to moving in with her.

First, talk to her about the practical aspects of living together -- where would you live, how much is everything going to cost, who would pay for what, who will do the cooking and cleaning, where is the furniture going to come from, etc.

Establishing a household is NOT cheap -- if she's the same age as you are, there are going to be almost punitive deposits required for the utilities and amenities, not to mention buying pots and pans and tableware and spices and staple food reserves and cleaning supplies, and spare lightbulbs and bedding and etc ad nauseum.

Stress that it is NOT your feelings for her that you're not ready for, it's the expense and finacial drain of living together that is the problem.

Nothing kills romance faster than fighting over the last bean in the can in the cold and dark because you can't afford the electric and gas bills. "Living on Love" is a great idea, but totally impractical.

Stress the need for planning and budgeting and come to some agreement on what you need in the way of resources to feel comfortable living with her and set up some plan for achieving them. Concentrate on building up the necessary resources while you work on building the relationship to a point where you're ready for cohabitation.

(note: if she's got a place of her own already, emphasize that you don't want to be a "kept man" and you can't contribute to a household at this time.)

 

[ExplicitAngel]

Hi,

I just want to add, that if you move in with her and don't feel ready, you'll hold it against her. Perhaps down the track, there will be something you want, that she doesn't, and you might start to feel bitter, because you moved in with her even though you weren't ready.

Just be careful and, I know everyone says it all the time, but communication is key, and let her know you love her.

 

[SweetErika]

Re: Re: I need your help guys and gals

First, talk to her about the practical aspects of living together -- where would you live, how much is everything going to cost, who would pay for what, who will do the cooking and cleaning, where is the furniture going to come from, etc.

Establishing a household is NOT cheap -- if she's the same age as you are, there are going to be almost punitive deposits required for the utilities and amenities, not to mention buying pots and pans and tableware and spices and staple food reserves and cleaning supplies, and spare lightbulbs and bedding and etc ad nauseum.

Stress that it is NOT your feelings for her that you're not ready for, it's the expense and finacial drain of living together that is the problem.

Nothing kills romance faster than fighting over the last bean in the can in the cold and dark because you can't afford the electric and gas bills. "Living on Love" is a great idea, but totally impractical.

Stress the need for planning and budgeting and come to some agreement on what you need in the way of resources to feel comfortable living with her and set up some plan for achieving them. Concentrate on building up the necessary resources while you work on building the relationship to a point where you're ready for cohabitation.

(note: if she's got a place of her own already, emphasize that you don't want to be a "kept man" and you can't contribute to a household at this time.)

WeirdHarold, you give the most common sense advice on here!

 

[wicked woman]

Forgive me for not being as tactful as I might...I'm tired...very tired...so....


Man are you crazy Do not...I repeat...do not...get into a situation of living with a gf at 19 unless you were born with the maturity of a 30 yr. old...no not even then. You should be spending this time learning about you...the world...and women...not settling down to the responsibilities of a live in relationship.

Forget the finances...oh ok tell her that..it's easier to explain, I suppose. But I don't see anything wrong with saying you're way too young to even consider such a thing...

btw if you're that one in a million that is ready to settle down at 19, I apologize...but if not...

 

[Noor]

I would tell her know, and try and explain the economics. Free rent is something I really appreciate these days when jobs are iffy and I have a lease.
you may not find anyone who will rent to you either, but anyway...
if she is worried that your refusal is the beginning of the end, start making a plan with her, maybe a few years down the road, like when you guys graduate from college if you are going or when you turn 21.
My mom wouldn't live with or marry my dad until he had saved up a years worth of living expenses, and that wouldn't be a bad idea for you guys to do, 10% from every pay check. Maybe if she is feeling like she is part of the process to eventually live together her abandonment stuff won't kick in. You guys can always change your mind later.

hth,
Noor

 

[James G 5]

holy mother goddess, you're 19, it would be mental
don't do it, I speak from experience
and if she insists....she doesn't respect you
period.

 

[Weird Harold]

Re: Re: Re: I need your help guys and gals

WeirdHarold, you give the most common sense advice on here!

AwShucks <blush>

I'm just a common sort of fella -- the good sense is my father's fault.

(The advice is from going through this with two daughters that moved out at his age.)

 

[AvaAdore]

I've been in a similar situation. Last year my bf really wanted to move in together with me. I told him I didn't feel ready (which was true), even though I loved him a lot. Also I told him, since I'm living at home and still at university, it's really un-practical for me and it would just make my life harder.

However, now we have been together for almost 2 years, and I do feel ready. I am most likely going to a different city to do a Masters degree in February, and if I do, he is going to transfer to the same university to finish his degree, so we will move in together. It feels right. It doesn't mean I will marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. I may and I may not, who knows? I am 20 btw, so not a big age gap.

Just tell her you aren't ready! Be honest! And don't do anything you don't want to do.