I think my marriage just imploded...

[dolf]

I read a bit more. you're an abusive cunt. whatever she is is isn't, you're still an abusive cunt. do her a favour and just leave.

 

[cfuhrer]

?????

especially since she gets mad if he masturbates but has been masturbating herself the whole time.

This.

 

[dolf]

This.

yup, lame.

 

[Wings]

I read a bit more. you're an abusive cunt. whatever she is is isn't, you're still an abusive cunt. do her a favour and just leave.

Why do you find him abusive?

 

[irksomesauce]

Awwww...

Blurt Bitch on the recruiting prowl for a brand new femprog boy.

...how cute.

Hey OP:

Free, lifelong chunky creampie buffet between Wings' legs!

 

[dolf]

She didn’t. Our sex life never got any better. She never made any effort whatsoever to connect sexually with me. The best I got was that she reduced the number of times that she rejected me, which in turn made me feel worse as it made me feel like now I was forcing myself on her. She always seemed to enjoy having sex with me but I still felt like I was forcing myself on her and it left me feeling really shitty. This is a point that she and I have talked about and she even admits that this is true. She refused to initiate sex with me which made me feel really undesired…

I really feel like she is making a conscious choice to not work on this as it is uncomfortable for her and she is just too selfish to do anything that she does not want to do.

I corned her and basically told her our sexual problems need to go away and that I was losing patience,

She basically tried to tell me that she loved me and that she enjoyed having sex with me but that she was having difficulty due to her last relationship’s sexual issues. I’ll be honest. That makes me really angry. It has been 17 years, I should not be hearing about issues she had with an old boyfriend… .

I went out and bought a bunch of sex toys for us to use,

She continued to not initiate unless I got pissed at her. Even then she would make a half assed effort the next night, usually by masturbating herself and letting me watch until I got interested enough to join her.

She still promised me that she was going to make sure she was initiating sex. I told her that I didn’t believe her. I told her that she would initiate sex she was having difficulty due to her last relationship’s sexual issues. I’ll be honest. That makes me really angry. It has been 17 years, I should not be hearing about issues she had with an old boyfriend with me the next night, and then once again it would fall back into the same pattern of excuse making and betrayal.

She failed to initiate the next night, making an excuse that she was thinking about it but was too tired and wanted to go to sleep. She did initiate the next night, but again, it was a really half assed effort where I got to watch her masturbate… after that, nothing.

The thought popped into my head, she knows that I love that meal. She never makes it for me though. The last time she made my favorite meal was last year for my birthday. That was nine months ago! Even then, when she made it, she threw a fit about it. I had to basically guilt her into doing it for me.
.

so, he knows she doesn't want sex, that she feels violated, because of past sexual trauma.

what is his tactic here? guilt trips, tantrums, emotional blackmail until she feels forced to perform like a circus animal.

he has sex with a woman when he knows she doesn't want it, when he knows she is only agreeing because she wants to avoid being yelled at and guilt tripped.

that shit is abuse. clear cut, no grey areas, sexual abuse.

...i'm not saying she's a sweet, loving angel. she may be a psycho bitch, or not, we only have his word on that. what she is or isn't doesn't change what this is though.

burn him at the fucking stake.

 

[butters]

 

[Wings]

Got it. I was reading that as anger and you read that as abuse. I get where you're coming from now.

 

[dolf]

Got it. I was reading that as anger and you read that as abuse. I get where you're coming from now.

most likely, from what i'm reading...

she had a traumatic relationship, she left, she met him, she adored him, she took meds, her sex drive died, his reaction stopped it ever coming back, he continuously retraumatised her and then bitched that she was choosing not to get better... better meaning, in his mind, putting out and acting like she likes it.


anger doesn't make a man bully a woman into sex. when a guy is told about sexual trauma, he's supposed to feel anger at the abuser, not at the victim for inconveniently and selfishly being traumatised.

 

[Sir Victor]

I strongly suggest that you seek professional help and counselling if you both want it,
and read this book:
https://books.google.com/books/about/Trauma_and_Recovery.html?id=3cn2R0KenN0C

 

[EternalFantasy]

so, he knows she doesn't want sex, that she feels violated, because of past sexual trauma.

Please point where you read that; i must've missed it.

 

[dolf]

Please point where you read that; i must've missed it.

it's a two parter,

I’ve been married for 14 years, and I’ve been together with my wife for more than 17. I met her when I was at a really low spot in my life at 18 when she was coming out of a really abusive relationship at 20.

She basically tried to tell me that she loved me and that she enjoyed having sex with me but that she was having difficulty due to her last relationship’s sexual issues.

it's very annoying that this still upsets her.

It has been 17 years, I should not be hearing about issues she had with an old boyfriend

 

[KingOrfeo]

You're only making each other miserable. You're rubbing wounds against wounds. Divorce, divorce, divorce.

 

[EternalFantasy]

it's very annoying that this still upsets her.

He's allowed to be annoyed, he doesn't realize the connection/depth of that injury even after 17 yrs. If he did, he probably wouldn't be where he is. And you are probably exaggerating that as trauma. The abuse could've been anything. She doesn't seem asexual due to it.

I still do not think you read this right at all. You for some reason read it through glasses with: Man = always bad; woman = always good, infused on them. Or trying to save face for your original reply.

Total and real picture entirely missed.

 

[dolf]

He's allowed to be annoyed, he doesn't realize the connection/depth of that injury even after 17 yrs. If he did, he probably wouldn't be where he is.

I still do not think you read this right at all. You for some reason read it through glasses with: Man = always bad; woman = always good, infused on them.

Total and real picture entirely missed.

go for the cliché.

no, i'm addressing his shitty behaviour because i'm addressing his post. if she posted, admitting that crap about wanking, etc. I would address her behaviour.

...which I pretty much already said. but you're reading my response through the ''feminist always takes a woman's side!!!'' glasses.

 

[EternalFantasy]

go for the cliché.

no, i'm addressing his shitty behaviour because i'm addressing his post. if she posted, admitting that crap about wanking, etc. I would address her behaviour.

...which I pretty much already said. but you're reading my response through the ''feminist always takes a woman's side!!!'' glasses.

Your analysis and conclusions are 1. extreme, and 2. in my opinion do not represent the reality of what's written.

But it's just my opinion, of course. No offense.

 

[dolf]

Your analysis and conclusions are 1. extreme, and 2. in my opinion do not represent the reality of what's written.

But it's just my opinion, of course. No offense.

well you would think that. because you're a man. and therefore an evil, woman hating monster.

 

[EternalFantasy]

well you would think that. because you're a man. and therefore an evil, woman hating monster.

I'm afraid it's not even a nice try.

You jumped to conclusions in your first post, they called you on it, then you twisted stuff up later to save face.

Be a real man and own up to it.

 

[dolf]

I'm afraid it's not even a nice try.

You jumped to conclusions in your first post, they called you on it, then twisted stuff up later to save face.

Be a real man and own up to it.

it was funny.

no twist required. it's all there. reread.

you'll be waiting a hell of a long time for me to be a 'real man', eejut.

 

[irksomesauce]

The only kind of "man" dolf likes are those who:

1. lower themselves to fuck a cobwebbed, socialist death cave like hers;
...a. are young enough (18+) they'll screw anything regardless of anything else, or

2. guys who punch her in the mouth in public

A "man" she likes and uses up thusly she then second-hands to sister progressive losers like street corner worker lovetoread.

 

[Christobal]

I am not taking a side. You two should not be together. There is plenty of fault to go around but you two aren't working as a couple. I doubt it will work.

Sometimes you have to leave and face new problems rather than trying to fix ones that you know but aren't likely to change.

 

[VerySuperLost]

Thank you all!

So reading through this there is not a single post I don't agree with. This is a tangled mess, and that is why I posted here. I frankly needed help with untying exactly how I feel about this situation. Really, having an outsiders view is what I needed. I could have gone to my friend about it (and I did...) but he's my friend. He's obligated to be supportive of me. By going to all of you as strangers I removed that. If I'm being a cunt, I want someone to tell me that. I have no desire to hurt my wife and frankly a stranger sitting behind a keyboard has the ability to tell me that without having to worry about my feelings or their relationship with me!

Even the people calling me an asshole are right. Just the fact I don't feel like continuing makes me an asshole. I made a promise to my wife and walking away means I'm breaking that promise. I own that and that makes me an asshole. Doesn't mean its the wrong choice and even if my marriage does end I need to learn from my mistakes to ensure that I don't make the same ones going forward.

The accusation of me abusing her is probably even a little fair and it's topics like that that really drove my desire to ask people their opinion. While I never viewed it from that lens there is an element of truth to it. The only defense I can make is that I've always been completely honest about my expectations and she has continued to vocalize that they are fair and that she will work to meet them.

We're sitting down to a long conversation tonight about this. We'll see how that goes.

I want to thank everyone for their time and opinions. I'm an asshole and the only defense I have is that I want to be with a partner that connects with me. Thank you for your support and opinions! They did help me to address my thinking!

 

[irksomesauce]

Great...

...another BattlingSoul-type, effiminate flasher/masochist.

 

[dolf]

The accusation of me abusing her is probably even a little fair and it's topics like that that really drove my desire to ask people their opinion. While I never viewed it from that lens there is an element of truth to it. The only defense I can make is that I've always been completely honest about my expectations and she has continued to vocalize that they are fair and that she will work to meet them.

my opinion of you is slightly improved.

people who are abused often blame themselves, so bear that in mind when she says you are being fair. every time she gets yelled at for not wanting sex, every time she has sex she doesn't want, you drive her sexuality further and further away from you... you don't stop a dog from cringing by kicking it.

people often see a lack of desire for sex as a lack of love, but that's often not true. if you're willing to see things from another angle then maybe your relationship does have some small hope of being rescued. you two need a really good therapist.

...the wanking ban is still fucked up though.

 

[Christobal]

you two need a really good therapist.

...the wanking ban is still fucked up though.

A really, really good exceptional therapist.